Reverse Discrimination

I run in many activist circles. I have friends that fight for the rights of animals, for the right to breastfeed wherever and whenever (including a swimming pool), for the right to allow women the choice to keep their child or to abort, for the right of the newborn male to keep his foreskin...but above all else these friends fight for the rights of women. It's safe to say that the majority of my friends are feminists. I get it, I am right there with them, I think women should have the same opportunities as men. I think that women should get to choose what is right and okay for their bodies and themselves. I think women should be valued for their intellect rather than their T and A. I took many a women's studies course in University...so why is it now that I have sons that I feel like I may be on an island all by myself?

The thing is that I notice that there is a lot of reverse discrimination when it comes to boys. Girls can pretty much play both gender roles with not much of a comment, but boys on the other hand are encouraged to be gender neutral to a point, but once they pass that point people get uncomfortable. A boy can have long hair, until he is school-aged and even then he will be called a girl many many times before he reaches that age. He can wear pink, but will get commented on for it. He can play with dolls etc, but he must also suck it up when he is upset, brush it off when he is hurt and pretend that he is fine when he gets insulted.

There was a recent post about what to say if a girl is wearing a bikini top, as if it some how makes her listen to "the man"...but what if a boy wore a bikini top....not so comfortable now is it?

And then there is the stuff that makes me personally irritated with society. We can have all of these classes and clubs that are co-ed. But, we cant have just boys clubs because women fought so hard to get acceptance into them...but on the other hand we have "women only" clubs that boys can not attend. (the biggest one being Boy Scouts Vs. Girl Scouts). When I brought this up to a couple friends about wanting my boys to have their own club, it was like I had spat in the face of feminism...when really I just wanted my boys to be able to do boy stuff....

Because really we ARE different. I feel like we are oppressing little boys for the sake of our feminism.

Breastfeeding and Divorce

This is a response to this horrible post.

Disclaimer : This is my blog so these are my opinions, just putting it out there.

I get so tired of women blaming children for their lack luster lives. I get it, we all have those days when we just want everyone to go away so that we can do some sort of activity that is just for us. But to blame children for the fall out of a marriage is just cowardly in my opinion, and furthermore to blame breastfeeding is just incredulous.

The thing is unless you were raped you had some say in whether you were going to get pregnant. And guess what, you knew fully well that this wasnt some 5 year gig. Parenting is for life! Get over yourselves. If you didnt want strechmarks, your "fun bags" to sag, the C-section scar or for your va-jay-jay to be disfigured then you should have kept your legs closed. (or gotten you or your partner fixed.) It is you people that make the No Kids people so crazy. Fuel to the fire.

Let me tell you something that may shock you...Breasts are for feeding. *gasp* I could honestly care less if you want to do it under a blanket, in a bathroom or out there for the world to see. Babies tummies are made for breastmilk. Instead of formula we should have milk banks!! It is insane that women feel burdened by society or judged that they are guilted into breastfeeding....they are for feeding!! Why on earth does milk squirt out of them if not for a child to get some comfort and sustenance? (and formula feeding moms dont start harping on me...if you couldnt nurse it was because you were abandoned by society, and were not given the right tools to nurse. I KNOW I have been there!) And if you don't want to nurse, DONT. Why the heck would a baby want you to resent him everytime you have to feed him? But OWN it and say, it's because *I* didnt want to...and then get on with your life. Stop trying to persuade others to follow suit.

But to say that Breastfeeding is Creepy, or to say that it destroyed a marriage is a piece of crap. Breastfeeding is NORMAL. Whats creepy is that a man would be placed in front of his children. That HIS needs are more important than that of a helpless newborn.

Let me tell you something ladies...there is this thing called a Gigi. Get one for him. He can use his hands and a tissue. And another thing, if a man thinks that his needs should be placed before his baby's maybe, just maybe this man isnt worth the ring? Just a thought....

There are all these articles going around about how children, and breastfeeding are oppressing women and that we can have it all. I am just gonna say it. We CAN'T. Or as a wise wise woman said to me, "We *can* have it all, just not all at once." What causes divorce rates in this country is the thought that we shouldnt have to compromise. Guess what? You do. You can not have your cake and eat it too.

We ALL make decisions that forever change the course of our lives. There are some of us that say, yes. I made that decision and so now I am paying for it, but it isnt the child's fault....it's yours. So grow up.

No regrets ladies...live your life with no regrets.

The Other Side of the Face(book)

I am a big fan of Facebook. I like to look at other peoples profiles, yes creep, and love to see pictures and videos of people that I can't see in real life. I have over 300 "friends" and have joined many a group and a fan page over the last year. I like to chat, as other people seem to choose that over the phone, and I just like to feel connected.

My DH is out of town alot so FB becomes a little like going out on a Friday night to me. Socializing, laughing, commenting on pictures and posts etc....but in the last couple weeks I have become a little disillusioned by the glorious Facebook.

The thing is that nothing is private anymore. Nothing is new news. If I do end up talking on the phone with someone I already know what they are going to say. I already saw their status update, pics from the zoo, and the video of the birthday party. So what do you talk about? Other peoples walls..."so did you see what suzie did yesterday?" "yea that video was funny".

It kinda gets old...and a wee bit boring.

The worst part that has happened just recently was that I was party to a "discussion" between a couple of my friends...in the old way (like 5 years ago) they would have picked up the phone or met for coffee to discuss their disagreement, and I would not have had any idea that they were having an issue. They may or may not have included me, and even then I would have had to take their word for it....now I saw the whole thing; and BOTH sides were not very nice to eachother. I kind of feel like the kid whose parents want to get divorced and they are arguing and the kid is sitting there with her ears covered, but she still knows what they are saying.

It was just bad.

I really did not want to see that side of my friends, especially directed at eachother. It makes me that much more uncomfortable.

So for me that was kind of the end of Facebook as I know it.

Dont get me wrong, I will still post and check it etc, but I need to get off of it and make an effort to see people in real life where words do not get confused in tone.

Over Protection

It's no secret that I sometimes lose it when the kids are driving me bonkers. I raise my voice and say things that I shouldn't say.

It's funny that I can let myself get away with this bad behaviour but can't allow anyone else to; especially my husband.

It's not really fair. I am not sure why I hold him to a higher standard than myself. He has just as much of the stresses that I do, he works just as hard and he has just as many issues with the boys, but when he reacts just as I would I hold him more accountable.

Sometimes I feel that it may be because he is a man, and yes I know that is a total cop out...but I mean it in the way that he may be harder on his boys because society wants us to toughen them up. Meanwhile I am searching for why the child is acting out and making excuses for it.

*sigh*

Attachment Parenting - The Fallacy

We have all heard the term "Attachment Parenting." It was coined by paediatrician Dr.William Sears after reading a book called "The Continum Concept" by Jane Leidloff. Combining her ideas with the work of Dr. John Bowbly he introduced AP to the world. He wrote many books and articles in magazines such as Mothering to outline the 7 Baby B's that one must follow to "be" an "Attachment Parent."

As a new mom trying to find her sea legs 6 years ago I read everything from Baby Wise to The Baby Book and what he was saying in those 900 pages really resonated with me. I followed those Baby B's exclusively. Now as a mom of 3 young boys I want to let you know that the Baby B's and "Attachment Parenting" is a crock.

You can Breastfeed that baby until he is 10 and he will still say that he hates you. You can bed-share until she is 15 and she will still defy you. You can wear that baby in a baby carrier until your heart is content and he will still look you in the face and lie to you about something.

The Baby B's and the term "Attachment Parenting" just give women more tools to oppose eachother, to continue with the mommy wars and judge eachother more harshly.

In my opinion you could do every single one of the Baby B's and still NOT be an "Attachment Parent". You could also not do any of them and have the most well adjusted and attached children ever.

I like to think of it as who a person IS as a parent and not what they DO.

The Baby B's are like a loose list of things that you can do with an *infant* to foster attachment, and all of these become obsolete for most of us once our children are around 3 or so. (there is of course the stray person who continues to co-sleep and breastfeed until 10, but there are not many here in North America.)

So after 3 years do we just cease to be an "Attachment Parent"? I think that instead of focusing on the list of things that make you AP we stop putting all our efforts into judging those that feed with formula, wear a bjorn or push a stroller and focus more on how to foster attachment with the preschooler, young child, tween, teenager and young adult.

How to instill confidence, self esteem, and self worth. To foster empathy and sympathy but also assertiveness.

We need to ignore the claims made by other moms saying that "I AP my kids and they turned out so right" because her kids have just as many off days as yours do, and she loses her temper or takes the easy way out sometimes too.

So stop believing people when they say AP is the BEST way, it may be for some people, but I think what the best way is LISTENING to your OWN gut and doing what is BEST for YOUR family. If that means following 2 or 1 or none of the Baby B's so be it.

Parent your children with love, with respect, with kindness, empathy and compassion. Have no regrets, and be kind to yourself in the process and you will be even better than a so called "Attachment Parent". And as a bonus your kids will be better off as well when these unattainable expectations are released from your psyche.

I am no longer an "Attachment Parent". I cast that label from myself. I am my kids' mom AKA a parent and the BEST one that my kids deserve.

Differences

When my first was just a little baby I would get so caught up in the *shoulds* of life. He *should* be eating this much, pooping this much, crying that much etc. I would get such anxiety if he wasnt meeting these arbitrary milestones. Who exactly created these milestones? Who was I putting him up against? I constantly went on all sorts of message boards to try and measure him up against someone. I had NO confidence.

Why? It's not like I didn't understand babies. I have 3 younger siblings. Not only that but I babysat and nannied all through my youth. So you would think that I would have known and understood that babies are all made differently and there are NO *shoulds*.

I look back at his little life and think of all the times that I got so frustrated about when he should sleep. I would try to put him down at 7pm, (because I wanted to watch survivor) I thought that he should be asleep so that I could have my "adult time".

It's laughable. I shake my head.

As I type this it's 11pm and my littlest (8 weeks) is lying here sleeping on the couch beside me. I watched the whole season finale of Glee with no problem, nursing and patting him down while enjoying my program.

No *shoulds*. I don't expect anything from him. Ever. I just take him one day at a time.

This comes with experience, confidence and age. I know that times will be tough and then they wont.

I just accept that he is a baby and babies are unpredictable at the best of times and just roll with it.

Now, if only I could use the same techniques with the oldest...........

Bad Behaviour.

I went to the Canmore Children's Festival today with my 3 kids, hubby and my kids Granny. It was a beautiful day for it and there were many things for the kids to do. Face painting, bouncy castle, concerts, magicians and the like.
I was nervous to take the kids because I was afraid that they would act out as there has been many transitions in our household and they are not coping as well as I had hoped...but I understand why they are.
To my glorious surprise my kids were excellent. They listened and followed me, they came when called, they had a general great time. The other kids were for the most part pretty well behaved as well...of course there were a couple kids that were acting out, but nothing that you wouldnt expect from 2-10year olds.
What surprised me was the behaviour of the other PARENTS that were there. Now, I was in Canmore, so maybe some of it may have to do with people on vacation, or maybe because they expected that somehow they should have gotten everything they wanted or needed...
Whatever the case these parents were the poster children for snot-nosed brats.
I waited in line for 30 mins for the Bobs and Lolo concert and got front row seats because of it...now the organizer said that children (older) could sit at the front on the floor in order to leave more room for more adults...so when hordes of children started rushing the stage I wasn't too surprised...but when I noticed that they were 2 year olds I was. I HAVE a two year old and I would not let him rush the stage and LEAVE him there un-supervised. It was like these parents thought that it was the job of the people in front (ie ME and MY family) or the organizers or the talent to watch their children....ummmmm....no.
These little guys walked all over the stage and no one was watching them, the tech guys looked petrified....not to mention parents then decided to sit in front of us because they wanted to "make sure" that their two year old was having a good time, meanwhile blocking the view of my 5 year old who HAD a seat...
Self Righteous. They KNEW that I was irritated about it as well, because they kept looking at me. So when this one mom sat right in front of my 2 year old I just let him kick her in the back until she moved.
I just couldnt believe that all these parents were so laissez faire when it came to their kids...total disregard for the performers and the other kids and parents...and these are my peers!!
To top it off we went to the bouncy tent and this one little boy (3) was attacking other children kicking them and hitting them, littler kids than him, and this dad yelled at him to stop hurting his daughter and pulled him out...only for the rest of us parents to realize that his mom had left him there! WTF?
I get the whole "free range children" thing, but give me a break...there is free range and then there is negligence. (or laziness)

Trying to Understand

I have been at my parents for a couple days while trying to keep my house clean. I am finding the boys incredibly hard to handle, the bigger one more than the little ones.

My parents commented that perhaps he has ADHD. Just because he doesnt respond to regular discipline. I started researching it and he hits a whole bunch of markers. He also gets super intense the more that he is stimulated.

I have always noticed this intensity that he has just under the surface and it's something that I really have a hard time dealing with. Looking at these websites and books tho, it shows that perhaps this intensity is just a part of him...and maybe he does have ADHD....at least I have something to start looking at...

It makes me think that maybe I should look into it more because maybe it will help me understand him more....and deal with him better.

A Handful

So after listing my house and hiring a cleaning company to come to clean it so you could eat off the floor, I decided that perhaps living there would not be the best idea.

I moved in temporarily with my mom, just so that the realtor could show it easier, without toys and crap around. Also, so that showings could be at any time without me having to run around and try to fix any chaos that happened in between showings.

Keeping the kids out of the house has not been easy. We are home bodies so we are completely out of our elements. We don't have much of a routine on a regular day...but now it is completely non-existant.

So my kids are a little hard to handle to say the least.

Certifiably

I am insane. I have decided that it is time to move. I have a 3 week old baby and I am packing up my house, de-cluttering it and listing it on Wednesday. Let me tell you, I think I may have lost my mind.
It is a huge job, even though we live in a small townhouse. The amount of clutter/ garbage and crap that this house has is just incredible. We ( my mom, sister, husband and myself) have been working non- stop to get it ready to list this week.
My realtor said that it needed a serious declutter, and he wasnt joking. I am sure he felt like he stepped into an episode of the horders. We have made some progress, it kinda echoes in places.
I am confident with the $600 I am going to be spending on cleaning that it will be ready to list and show...but not confident on how long I can keep it that way.

Hitting the Wall

So it was bound to happen sooner or later...the dreaded grocery shop. I had gotten enough food to last me until my husband got home but late last night I remembered that my son's birthday party is on Wednesday and I still do not have a cake for him. So off to the grocery store we went.

It wasn't a total disaster, they were pretty well behaved...that is until I let them get a cookie from the bakery...then it wasnt so pretty.

They were fighting and trying to climb out of the cart. I know that I must have looked like a real mess. Asking them again and again, and getting more and more frustrated as they fooled around. I finally buckled them both in (which I should have done in the first place). They whined and cried and screamed as I was at the checkout and the baby started as well. I was feeling really overwhelmed and tired, and just wanted to get home.

Once we got to our car they would not cooperate and get in their car seats and so I had to climb up and put them in the seats. They cried and whined and screamed...meanwhile the baby was crying too. I just wanted to get home as soon as possible.
I drove home as fast as I could. (just 5 mins away)
I pushed the garage door opener to get to my sanity and promptly hit the side of the door frame with my van.
So the door frame is not damaged, but my beautiful van has a wee bit of a scratch....I think I lost my mind at that point.
I really did hit the wall.
sheesh

And The Saga Continues

So a couple days ago when I was just about at my wits end, my children decided that they didnt need any sleep. So at 3 am boy child two woke up, and then at 4 am boy child three woke up. Now this would not have been such an issue IF they had both decided to go back to sleep...however, that didnt happen...and it also didnt help that I have been trying to get "me" time in the evening, which meant that I did not go to sleep myself until after 1am.

So after all this being sleep deprived and grumpy my good friend asked me if she could take my kids for the afternoon so that I could just have a nap with the little one. I took her up on her offer immediately, as I was so tired. Knowing that this was going to happen in the afternoon made the morning a much nicer time. We got ready for 1 pm and we all packed up and went to the van.

As soon as I pulled on my automatic sliding doors I knew something was wrong...they were not so "automatic"...I thought to myself, "Did K leave the lights on?" > even though I told him not to touch the interior lights...

I put my keys in and tried to turn it over. Dead.

I started to panic. Not only was I going to miss my nap, but my husband was not going to be home for 5 days. I thought 5 days without escape would be way too much for me. I told K that the van was dead and had the biggest temper tantrum ever. I was weirdly calm...which is probably because this was just too much. If anything could have happened it kept happening. It was like Karma was coming and kicking my butt.

I called my friend in a panic, telling her that we couldnt come, that I was mourning my nap and that I was going to lose it. (which I did, but having said this it was the first time that I cried since having the baby)...she calmed me down and asked if I had AMA. Which I did.

It was like a light at the end of the tunnel. I had forgotten that I had AMA because I dont drive POS cars anymore, so I have not had to use it. ;P

They came in 40 mins and boosted my van, which made me so relieved as I thought that I would have to go get my second car (which is for sale) drive it to the garage, and then put the van in neutral and try to push it out of the garage and boost my van....with 3 kids....

I drove to my friends house and she watched my kids for 2 hrs, I went right home and napped. I was woken at 4pm by the phone ringing, I thought it was my friend calling so I answered it.

No, it was my Mother In Law, who my husband had told me we had re-scheduled, telling me that she would be arriving momentarily.

Now, this wasnt the issue, the issue was that IF I had known that they would be visiting I would have cleaned instead of napping...so I put the baby gates up and kept them in my living room...

When it rains it pours. :)

ps. Did you know that Graves Disease is caused by Stress??? NO KIDDING

An Attempt to Move

When my oldest was just a wee one, before I learned of slings and things. My husband and I bought a house. The house was a 3 bedroom condo, about 1200 sq ft. in a very family oriented community. We thought that it would be a great house to raise a family. Now 5 years later and 2 more kids and a dog, it's a little cramped.

Now, I don't *need* a new house. I like the idea of keeping your foot print small, but and I don't know if this is the Jones in me talking, I just feel like it's too small. I like the layout upstairs, and the kitchen is not bad..but my living room and dining area make me insane. There is no real space for the boys to spread out and do their thing. So they end up ripping apart my living room to jump on, or bring all their toys onto the landing, which is another "bigger" space.

I really only want a unfinished or partially finished basement and some semblance to a backyard and I would be happy for a while (5 more years??)

I really want to be able to open the back door and allow the boys to play on the back deck while I put the baby to sleep. I can join them after the baby is sleeping.

Now, its hard for other children to nap, because we are so on top of each other.

I also think the dog needs her own space too, and I want the crate out of my living room.

The issue I am running into now is that I have to move this summer for everything to work out the way that we want it to.

That means, cleaning, de-cluttering and listing my house (and keeping it clean) while my husband is away for days on end and I have a new born...this is gonna be tough.

But worth it I hope.

Maybe I should just go on vacation....

The Maiden Voyage

Imagine if you will, a newly minted mom of three decides to enroll her eldest son in soccer. The first game is the second day that she is single parenting for eight days. She has most of her routine figured out at home, but she is still trying to figure out how to juggle three children outside of the house.

So picture this, a Van pulls up to a soccer field and the doors open. A mom jumps out and runs to the other side of the vehicle to pick up a screaming baby that looks to be 2 weeks old. He is starving and all he wants is to be comforted and to get a little milk. She holds him in one hand as she unbuckles a 2 year old. Once the 2 year old is free he bee-lines it out of the van and runs into the field. The mother grabs the two year old and goes back to unbuckle the 4 year old.

The 4 year old decided that before he went to soccer that he wanted to wear his rubber boots, but upon arriving and noticing that none of the other children are wearing boots he decides that he wants to wear his shoes.

So he sits on the sidewalk and asks his mom to put them on. She tries to with little success as the baby is still crying and the 2 year old keeps trying to escape.

Another mom with older kids approaches the mom and asks if she can help, "because I have three and know what it is like." The newly minted mom gives the more experienced mom the newborn and says "He is just really hungry, as soon as I get this one to practice I can feed the baby."

The 4 year olds shoes are put on and the mom takes the baby in one hand, and carries her bag, and a long piece of fabric in the other hand. She orders the older children to follow her....the wrong way.

Once the mom has realized she has gone the wrong way, she quickly changes course. She has now decided to just undo her tank and start nursing while walking as the baby was becoming frantic.

They finally make it to the right field, once they get there the coach throws a shirt and pair of socks at the 4 year old and says, "get your mom to help put those on." The mom looks at the socks and shirt, and digs out the shin pads from her bag. She attempts to put them on but she only has one free hand and her 2 year old keeps running away. She puts her leg over the 2 year old so he cannot run anymore and tries in vain to put the socks and shoes on. Another mom shows up (happens to be a friend) and the mom BEGS her to put the shoes and socks on the child. She does. She then asks the mom to hold the infant as she wraps the long piece of fabric around her, as it is cold the mom does a crappy tie and shoves the infant in and latches him on. She then runs after the two year old for a whole hour. The fabric keeps coming undone and she gets stares and comments from those around her about coldness, activity level of the two year old, and comments about the fabric.

Once the game is done the mom gives the kids a snack and while the two year old is occupied with eating she re-ties the fabric properly.

They pack up and start for the van. She now has a soccer ball in one hand, and a bag and a water bottle in the other. The baby is close to her chest and she looks confident. She tells the two boys to run to the van and as the two year old gets to the cement he trips and eats cement. His front lip is cut open and he is hysterical. He goes blue and passes out, the mom doesnt look too concerned, and if you asked her what she was thinking she would reply, "Can it get any worse?!" The mom drops everything in her hands and picks up the lifeless body of the two year old to the van. She squishes the baby in the wrap in the process who then starts to cry. The four year old starts crying as well as he is scared that his brother passed out.

The mom places the child on the front seat and blows in his face and flicks his ears to wake him up. He takes a huge breath and starts to scream unconsolable. The mom then hugs and kisses the two year old until he calms down.

She puts the 4 year old in his carseat, buckles him in and re-assures him that everything is okay. Buckles in the 2 year old and promises a popsicle for his lip when they get home. Buckles in the 2 week old and caresses his head. She then climbs into the drivers seat, takes a deep breath and starts the van, and closes the doors.

The Birth Story - Part Four

With my previous deliveries the pushing part was the best part. No pain. So when my midwife told me that I was fully dilated I was excited to start pushing. I had gotten out of the tub because I didn't really feel like I had the leverage that I needed to effectively push out the baby, and in hindsight I had probably decided to go on the bed as that is what I was used to. (muscle memory).

Pushing wasn't painless this time, however, and that really surprised me.

With every push I could still feel my lower back spasm, and so instead of letting go completely between each push, I held it and kept the tension until the next.

I pushed hard and could feel movement. My midwives commented on how I had my bag of waters bulging before the baby's head. Suddenly with a loud *pop* the waters exploded and hit my head midwife full in the face! I could hear the others joking about having a shower and how much water had come away. I kept my focus however, thinking about my walls and carpet, and continued to push.

The next push and I was crowning, the next came his head. Shoulders with the next push and he appeared at 9:52pm, after 4 or 5 pushes.

The relief that I experienced once he came out was immense. I had never felt anything like it and my back stopped hurting immediately.

I held him close and kissed his little head. We hung out for 30 mins waiting for the placenta and he started showing signs of wanting to nurse.

I wanted to see if he could self latch, as in the breast crawl video, and was delighted when he did.

My placenta was birthed shortly after and we skyped with my husbands mother as she was in the U.S. and unable to attend. (my mother and sister were present).

After everyone had gone home my sister sent me a copy of my birth story from her perspective, and it is the most powerful thing I have ever read. She talks about how inspiring it was for her, and how she wants to birth naturally. She talks about the power of the female body and how birth is a process and not a medical procedure.

So while I felt that this birth was my toughest, my little sister put it all in perspective for me.

Pain with Purpose; with a wonderful gift at the end.

The Birth Story - Part Three

I had gone to the Birth Breastfeeding and Bonding conference and had met Barbara Harper while pregnant with E. I had heard of the benefits of labouring in water since my first pregnancy, and had used the water with K until my water had broken. I had read all about water birth and all of the positives that came associated with it, "natures epidural" and the like. I was still pleasantly surprised when I got into the water and my contractions seemed to disappear.

I was worried that the contractions would stop all together and then I would have to get out of the tub. I sat pensively and waited for the next contraction to come. When it did it was still intense but bearable. I was so happy that I had this relief, as the contractions out of the water were the most painful of all my births.

Its not that I have had orgasmic births or anything, just that with both K and R the really intense contractions were at the end, and I had very few of them before pushing. I wasn't prepared to experience those types of contractions from the middle of labour on. These particular contractions were much different than that of my other births. They started in my sacrum and flowed into my uterus, down my thighs and into my calves. I could not walk through any of them, and if this had been a first birth I can honestly say that I would have probably asked to be transported to the hospital for some pain relief.

I had absolutely no idea how to cope and was saved by the water. If I had not had the water I am honestly not sure what I would have done.

I rocked through each contraction on my knees in the warm pool. My midwives, knowing my wish for a peaceful and less chaotic birth than that of my first and second, spent the majority of the time chatting with eachother at the kitchen table. Every 15 mins or so they would come up to check to see how I was coping, do a fetal assessment and then leave.

After about an hour of being in the water my contractions ramped up and they started feeling like they had when I was out of the water. I was so happy that my husband was there as he sat vigilantly by the pool side (he refused to get in :P ) holding my hand. I was having a really hard time trying to cope and so I grabbed my husbands hand and squeezed with all of my might. I could tell that it hurt him as well.

As the contractions increased I tried as best as I could to breathe through each one, finding it more difficult as they started to come one on top of eachother. I kept thinking that if they were to continue with such ferocity that I would not be able to cope at all. I remembered reading that one has to open and let go to make labour less painful so I kept repeating "open, open, open, open" through each one, hoping that they would give me some reprieve.

As the last couple went through my body I told my midwives (who had all appeared at the same time) that I did not think that I could do it anymore. My midwives and my husband reassured me that it was almost over.

I kept looking at the bed, thinking that it would help if I just got on it. I desperately wanted to be checked again just so I could know how much longer I would have to endure. I got out of the tub and had the most powerful contraction that I had ever had. I tried to breathe through it, and when it was over I quickly got on may back and demanded to be checked by my midwives.

She quickly checked me and told me that I was fully dilated and that there was just a little lip of a cervix left and if I wanted to push through it, or if I wanted her to move it for me. I told her to move it, and asked if I could start pushing. She laughed and said, whenever you feel like it.

The Birth Story - Part Two

My labour started as the previous ones did. Braxton Hicks for days on end. I felt like I was constantly in a start, stop cycle of labour. It started 3 weeks before I actually went into labour. I had a wonderful Blessingway and three days later I had a period of strong Braxton Hicks that lasted 3 full days. I thought that these contractions that were consistently 7 mins apart were the real deal; unfortunately they were not.

My husband was set to go back to work on the monday and so on Saturday I started to panic that he may not be home to witness and support me during the birth. I had tried everything that I felt comfortable doing to bring on labour and was feeling very disheartened that it wasn't happening. I went for a massage and hoped that it would start on the Sunday. By Sunday I was having inconsistent contractions and we decided that we would just go for a really long walk. I had written a blog post about how frustrated I was and decided just to let go of all expectations. We walked for an hour and I got a Chai Latte and we headed for home.

Once I got home my contractions were staying at 2 mins apart. They seemed pretty legitimate but I was worried that it was false labour so I didn't let anyone except my mom, my cousin and my good friend L in the loop.

I called my midwives, just because I thought that they could just check me and let me know if anything was happening. We decided that I would call back in an hour to re-assess.

I kept walking around and around and around my island just to make sure that the contractions continued as I really wanted my husband to be home. I plugged in my ipod and downloaded a contraction app just so I could keep an eye on them.

Another hour and a half went by and my contractions kept on coming, not only that but they were getting stronger and stronger.

I was excited and started thinking that it was the real thing.

I called my midwives again and the midwife said that she would be over in 30 mins. I couldnt wait, and hoped that the contractions kept coming.

When she arrived she brought in all of her supplies and I worried that we would have to help her load them all back into her car if I was actually experiencing false labour.

She asked me if I had gotten the tub ready and I told her that I had. I took her up to my room and the other midwife arrived.

We did my blood pressure and a fetal heart tone, and then she asked me if I wanted to be checked. I agreed.

I was 5cm and she said that I had lost my plug and that there was a lot of show. She told me that yes, I was in labour and that she expected me to have the baby in 6 hrs at the latest.

I called my mom to come and watch my other kids and went about getting the tub filled and finishing my laundry. The midwives joked about how they thought that it was funny that I was in active labour while folding laundry, I commented that you could not do laundry with one hand.

My mom came over and we had supper, we put the boys in a bath and then put the boys to bed.

An hour after the boys went to bed I started having contractions that were an 8/10 on the pain scale. I then asked to be checked again (now at a 7) and went into the tub.

The Birth Story - Part One

When you become pregnant the first time you know that at some point you will have to give birth. You really have no idea what to expect, and have nothing to reference it to. You are basically blind to the experience, with some theoretical knowledge but not much else. Even if you take birthing classes you have ideas of how to cope with pain, but you really don't *know* what is coming.

For your second birth you have some idea of how the birth will go, generally. This is unless your first birth had complications and you hope to have a different experience. If you had an uncomplicated birth then you have an idea of what it will feel like and how it will go.

After having two, it seems like your birth will be old hat. Its not that you don't look forward to it, but you know what is coming.

Both of my previous births followed the same formula. Contractions for 7 - 10 hrs, active labour for 1-2 hrs of hard contractions followed by pushing. Pushing for me was the best part, no pain just progress.

So, following all that I thought that I knew what was coming. I was ready for birth, I wanted to meet my baby, I had prepared myself. All I had to do was wait...which was difficult for me.

So imagine my surprise when this labour and delivery was nothing like I had expected...

Trying to let go.

I had hoped that I would have a new baby now, but it seems my girlfriend S is going to be right. (She always goes over her dates, and so thought that I was crazy to think I would go any earlier.) I just had the 10th in my mind for the last 9 months, so I am a little disappointed that he didn't come yesterday...and what is worse, it just seems like everything has slowed right down. I mean, yes, I still am having contractions all the time, but nothing regular. It makes me really tired. I have been sleeping a tonne. 2 hr naps and going to bed at 9pm.

I keep thinking of R's birth and thinking how I had to let go in order for him to come. I am trying to think of all the things that I need to get ready or to let go so that this little one can come. I keep coming up with dead-ends. I really feel like I am ready.

Well, as ready as one can be to go into labour. It's not like I *want* to go into labour...who really does? It's hard work, and as quick as it can be done, it's still like a massive workout. I sometimes think that my other two are holding me back as well. Like they need to be taken care of before I go into labour, but they have been sleeping pretty well for the last couple days so I am not sure what is up with that either.

All this wouldnt matter if I didnt have until tomorrow to figure it out. If I wasnt on a deadline this baby would have shot out 3 days ago...but no, it will just wait until the husband is on the plane.

Frustration and Too Much Information.

My husband now works shift work, but the kind of shift work that takes him away for days on end....

I made the mistake of getting checked by my midwives at my last appointment, my husband is only home for 5 days and I wanted to see if I was at least starting labour. They checked me and the diagnosis was awesome. 3 cm dilated, fully effaced and engaged and a paper thin cervix. My midwife was convinced that it would be no more than 2 weeks. I was hopeful that it meant that my husband would not miss the birth.

So began a waiting game that is making me insane.

It's not like nothing is happening, I get contractions...every 7, 10, 5 or 2 mins apart, for days. I have other changes that I have noticed as well, I have a back ache, leg cramps, and am incredibly grumpy. (of course that could just be the fact that I have a cold at this time as well).

A couple nights ago I had contractions so strong that they caused me to have a cold sweat. Now, that is intense.

The issue I am having now is that he goes back in 3 days and we have to book the flight, I feel like I am on this horrible timeline and there is nothing I can do.

Now, dont get me wrong, I am a huge proponent of natural birth and do not want to force my body into doing anything that it isnt ready to do, but my biggest fear is that he will get on the plane and at that exact moment I go into labour.

It's just frustrating, that's all I am saying.

Come on Baby, gimme a sign.

Water Birth

This post is purely to spite my husband. :P I told him I was going to write it, so here I am.

I am planning a water birth with this baby. I have borrowed a tub and set up my room to look like a birthing suite. The pool is on one side and the bed is on the other.

There is space for the midwives to work and we have set up a resuscitation station should anything go wrong (in or out of the water).

I am really excited about it. My last two births were incredibly fast and I felt completely out if control. I also experienced quite a bit of discomfort because when a woman goes through a fast labour she doesn't get the build up of hormones that one would get if their labours were a little slower.

Birthing in water may slow it down just a little and give me the pain relief that I am looking for.

Now for the spiting part....my husband doesnt like the idea of a water birth because he thinks that we are not water mammals so why would we birth in the water. (regardless of the fact that the baby is made in the water).

He also thinks that it brings up too many variables that can not be controlled. (because you can control birth).

And he thinks that I just want to do it because it is popular. (which isnt necessarily wrong....I mean if loads of people are having water births and say how great they are why WOULDNT you give it a go?)

I just want to try, make this experience less chaotic and more calm. (and I only have a couple weeks to go...if that.)

For more information on Water Birth check out HERE.

Toddler Property Laws

I came across this today and laughed as I thought of my two year old.

Toddler Property Laws

If I like it, it's mine.

If it's in my hand, it's mine.

If I can take it away from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

If we are building something together, all of the pieces are mine.

If it looks like mine, it's mine.

If I think it's mine, it's mine.

If I give it to you, and change my mind later, it's mine.

If it's broken, it's yours!

~ Author Unknown.

We are definitely going through the "mine" stage right now as he is well aware that a baby is coming any day now. It's hard not to laugh at just how serious he gets when it comes to what is his and what isn't.

This kid is in for a wake-up call I think.... ;P

A Completely Superficial Post

This post is just for me to compare all of the wraps that I am interested in for this new baby. :)

I have always defaulted to "boy" colours and my wraps are all very dark and subdued. I want a little more vibrance. :)

The one on the left is the Girasol Rainbow.

I like it because it has a lot of bright colours. The only downside is that I think my best friend owns this one, and I dont want to buy the same wrap as her. Another good friend of mine said that perhaps I should get the night Rainbow, but honestly, it looks dirty to me....

This one on the right is the Girasol Night Rainbow.

I am a fan of the Girasol's weave, it is lighter than a Didymos, but heavier than a Ellaroo. There is a Girasol that I seem to be drawn to, so maybe I will try and get one of these...

This is called the Girasol Symphuo (above). I really like the vibrance of the colours and the brown strips seem to pop right off the fabric. I think this one *may* be my favorite so far. I would actually sell two of mine to get one of these. (A ring sling, and a Ellaroo.)

There is also this one on the left, which is just named #26 which is kinda funny. It reminds me of the Rainbow, but I would like to see the two of them side by side to truly see what the difference is... (in real life.) I think that the Rainbow is block colours and this one is more striped.

So next to the Neobulles, which I am unsure of because I have never felt one to know what the weave would feel like. The colours are really vibrant, and my girlfriend *may* be bringing them into her store....

Both of them seem to be pretty much the same. The one on the left is a softer looking wrap, colour-wise, with pink and turquoise as the main colours. The one on the right has much more red to it.

So dear friends, which one do you like better? Please leave your comments and help me to choose a new wrap for this little one. :)

Reality Check

Did that make you cry? I know I did. With the last couple of weeks being

tougher, with a lack of a husband for the most part (our choice - work),

I have been counting down the hours until the kids go to bed. What this

video reminded me was that I CHOSE to stay at home with my kids to

WATCH them grow up. I only get them for so long before society takes

them away from me.

I sometimes need to be reminded of that fact when I am about to go crazy

over the constant demands of more this and that. It's not a picnic with two

preschool aged boys at home and another baby any day now, but this was

my choice, and I need to own it.

I decided to post this video on my blog so that I would always have it as a

reminder of how precious time is and to absolutely try to live life in the

fullest. Of course we get bogged down by adult responsibility, but

sometimes that phone call or email or facebook status doesn't need to be

answered right away, and so what if you don't answer it at all...they will

call back, email you back, and there is always another day for status

updates.

I want my boys to look back and really enjoy their childhood. They can

say to their spouse, "I had a pretty good childhood, I felt loved and

appreciated." Rather than, "my mom was counting down the hours until

we went to bed."

We just have to remember to take each day as that, a new day, and hug

our love ones close.

THAT Mom....

I confess. I am one of those people that judged people who had kids harshly before I had my own. I used to work at a resturant as a hostess and saw many many families and unruly children. I promised myself I would never ever let my kids do any of the things that the kids were doing at the tables. (like dropping french fries!!! *gasp*)

When I got pregnant it got worse. I would notice parents yelling, grabbing, and children screaming in shopping carts and I would think these moms were the worst! Kids don't have to cry ever, I thought to myself, If you know what you are doing.

I became a nanny just before I got pregnant and thought of that time as my trial for having kids. Let me tell you, those kids that I watched had THE BEST nanny. I got down at their level, played, didnt need to discipline, they went to sleep easy! (of course I had the energy of a 23 year old!!)

So, now here we are at 33 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old boy and a 4 year old boy, both of who have energy coming out of the ying-yang. I can admit that perhaps I was a little quick to judge these past moms....

You see, I was THAT mom at the playground the other day. I had gotten maybe 4 hrs consecutive sleep the night before and my husband had been gone for 7 days. I was going just a little crazy with the continual need to separate my boys as they love to rough house. I decided that I would take a friends advice and take my kids to the playground. There is one rather close so I thought we could kill an hour or so before I had to start making dinner.

Once we got outside my kids bee-lined for "Summer Bucket"; which is full of all of our outdoor summer toys. K was ecstatic to find water guns and pistols. Of course he showed them to R and the two of them immediately started shooting eachother.

The kids BEGGED to take them to the park and I quickly looked over to see if there were any other kids or moms at the park. Noticing that there wasn't, I agreed.

They were in heaven and the best part was that I could sit my butt on the bench and just zone out.

We were there for less than 10 mins when the local school bus pulled up and children started appearing with their moms and siblings to the park.

My kids were super excited to now have real people to use for target practice. K and R started "piss-shoe-ing" every single mom and toddler. They were acting like crazed mad men!

K started saying how everyone was bad and he was going to kill them.

I felt so embarrassed. I tried, with little success to get them to just point at inanimate objects. When I tried to take the guns away I got massive temper tantrums...it was starting to go down-hill. I started to feel judged and watched by the other moms, and knew that when they went home that they were going to post about the frazzled mom with the 2 boys and the guns.

I became THAT mom in that moment, the one that people say, "I will never let my kids bring guns to the park and shoot people."

I do wish that perhaps they gave me some slack as you could tell that I was quite haggard, tired and 33 weeks pregnant.

Moral of the story. Don't judge moms, you have no idea what their day has been like.

No Ideas, Just Anger.

I lost it today. Completely and totally. It could be that 9 days without a husband is my limit, or just that I am sick and tired of arguing with K for everything. (could be the 32 weeks preggo too). I am just at my limit, and this child and I are not going to have a very good relationship if it continues the way it has been going. I posted about "Listening" but really I should have said all out "Ignoring" or "Defiance". I have tried all of the gentle discipline I can, reasoned, negotiated, screamed, yelled, cried, stomped my own feet, shut my self in a room..it goes on and on. I am *trying* to respect him. To treat him like an adult, but I am slowly realizing that most of this is just BS and no amount of respect for him is going to make his reciprocate. Where is the respect for ME? I always said that my children would never yell or hit me, and guess what...they do. I spend all day long arguing with an almost 5 year old, and you know what I don't like him. I pretty much have hit rock bottom, and unless someone can show me the holy grail of this is what Attachment Parenting does when they are older, I am really falling from believing it. He is not respectful, he is un-grateful, rude, right now he is up stairs throwing his toys because I told him that he needs to start picking them up, he whines all day long, and picks on his brother and laughs about it. I follow every fricken tenet that Sears, Neufield, Kohn, and Faber and Malish talk about and it's not working. And I swear to god if the he needs to go outside and burn off energy for 90 mins a day comes up I will scream. You need to GET him to go outside before that happens. So, anyone want to just commiserate and say, Yea, my kid is like that?

It's the little things.

I have been thinking a lot lately about others and the way that they choose to parent their children. When I was a new mom I was extremely passionate about how to parent, I saw a right way and a wrong way. I can admit it, I was pretty judgmental. I can say that now, and apologize to those who I probably insulted along the way. I can still get judgmental, when I see something that crosses the line towards neglect or harming a child, but for the most part I could really care less what others do with their kids.

So why the long disclaimer? I am going to post about how I put my kids to bed and why I do it.

Some would argue that one needs "mommy time" and that time starts once the kids are in bed preferably by 7pm. I don't work like that. I am on call 24/7. All the time. Am I tired? Hell yes. Do I get grumpy sometimes? Yes. Do I complain about it to my friends...yes, I am human after all. But for the most part, I cherish these moments that make me the most crazy.

I read my kids 6 stories. 2 for the little one and 4 for the big one. I answer all of the questions that are asked. I go to the potty again and again just to make sure that they are really ready for sleep. I get the teddy, and the baby and tuck them in as well. I then lay down and snuggle them. Each kid gets as much time as he needs.

Does this cut into the "mom time"? Yes. "Is it irritating some days when I have other things on my mind?" Yes. "Would I change it?" NO.

I love to snuggle them. I feel like I get to connect in these moments. My little one drifts off to sleep with no tears, patting my face and kissing me. I soak every moment up. How many times will he do this? Not many. Boys start to pull away by 7years.

The older one and I talk about his day, what bugged him, what made him happy, sad...what he wants to do the next day, etc. He loves to kiss my belly and say goodnight to the baby. I look at him and realize how big he is already, and how fast they grow.

I had my kids because I wanted to share my life, and experience life through the eyes of a child. I wanted to experience unconditional love.

Every moment I spend putting my kids down, I try to burn it into my brain for when they are older.

Life is so precious and so fleeting, I try to live my life with no regrets, and having my kids go to sleep, with no tears and snuggling their mom just makes ME feel better.

So back to the disclaimer. That is why I co-sleep sometimes, why I nurse until 2, and why I don't let my kids Cry It Out....because it feed *my* soul too.

The Spirited Child

I went to a parent's group today just to learn more about my kids etc. We were talking about temperaments and how no matter what your parenting style is, how it will not affect the child's innate personality; no matter how hard you try.

We talked about labels and how we can say lots of negative labels when referring to our kids, but how we can change those labels into positive traits as well. For example, bossy could be self-assured, defiant could be independent, nosey could be seen as curious. When we look at these labels in a positive way we see that we actually want to cultivate them in our children. Self-assured, independent, curious adults are exactly what I want my sons to be.

We also talked about the label of the spirited child. We took a test to see if our children had any of the traits that a spirited child is supposed to have. I thought that between my two kids my younger one would be more spirited as he is the most vocal and active. That boy knows what he wants and will not rest until he gets it. What surprised me the most was that my older son ranked the highest on the spirited scale. It was shocking to me actually.

He does not do well in transitions, he is extremely sensitive and empathetic, he likes things just so, etc. I was wondering why I didnt notice any of this until I took this test and it occurred to me that I "over parent" him. I dont want the battle or the conflict so I head it off at the pass, I cut the crusts off his peanut butter sandwich and serve it on a green plate with a green cup....I read him 4 stories before bed, and get the water, and the snuggle, I make sure the labels are cut out of his shirts, he doesnt have to wear jeans, etc. Now I realize that the reason I don't see that "spirit" is because I have made his life easier, and he doesnt have many transitions....but is this doing him a dis-service? Should I be ignoring his quirks and making him see that it doesnt always go his way?

Am I coddling him? And what does that mean for kindergarten?

The Paramedic's Wife.

My husband is a paramedic. He is not an "ambulance driver", he does not just do first aid or CPR. He doesn't just drive people to appointments or to the hospital. He is not a taxi service. He is not paid as a professional driver.

He wears a bullet proof vest to work because sometimes he needs to help people who have been in violent situations, and the person receiving the help may have their attacker near by, not wanting them to survive.

He can get attacked by dogs, wives and husbands who are angry and violent, by people so messed out of their minds that they don't know what they are doing.

He saves lives. He has saved many many lives. Sometimes I wonder if he should. (from an ethical and religious point of view...who is he to decide whether someone lives or dies?) He has saved the same people many times in a row because they want to die.

It frustrates me that he doesn't get the acknowledgement and respect that he deserves. It frustrates me that the unions can't band together like fire-fighters, cops, or nurses. It frustrates me that the wives and husbands of paramedics don't bond together and commiserate or build community.

It frustrates me that he has seen so many bad things done to people by other people so that he loses a little empathy for man kind. He has lost his feeling that people are inherently good.

It frustrates me that we spent 4 years to get his education, went over 20K in debt (just to survive while he got his education) and have burnout after 6 years to show for it. Also, that his education, while 4 years long does not count as a degree.

It frustrates me that paramedics are such a vital part of the health care system and never get a thank-you, a card or some flowers.

It frustrates me that he works long hours away from home dealing with people who abuse the system.

It frustrates me that people think that he is less than he is, or that he sits on his ass playing video games between calls and that is why he should have to try and raise a family on $14 -35 / hr....and not a penny more. EVER.

It frustrates me that this still bothers me after 6 years.

I hope that one day we can finally leave the field of EMS behind us forever.

Wanting a Break

I realized the other day that I have not been without my children for more than 48hrs, and even then it wasn't in a row. My girlfriends have been getting together more recently, and I would really like to join them, but I feel like I should stay home, get organized, spend time with the husband and the children all before our lives take a huge turn to the right....

I would love to get a break however. A mom's retreat. Somewhere where I can read a book without any distractions, revitalize. Get a spa treatment. A hair cut. A Latte. Just have some more time to myself before I give birth and this little one inside becomes all encompassing.

I know that in two years from now, I will not have left any of them for long periods of time as a baby really keeps me housebound. (I am not complaining, I do not feel comfortable leaving a newborn - two year old.)

My youngest son is weaned. He sleeps in his own bed (most of the time), sleeps through the night (some of the time) and is pretty independent. My older son is completely emotionally ready to be left with dad for 2 days....

I just need to figure out when, where and how.

Making the Best Decisions.

I recently posted about how I found my dream home. We found out that we could afford it, it would just put us at the top of our borrowing bracket. So now we are faced with the emotional decision of wanting our dream home, and waiting for it.

It's kind of interesting, before my husband and I would have jumped on it because we live by our guts and emotions, but we want to make the best decisions that we can for our future.

So, we will wait.

I am dying for a new house. Especially one with a backyard, especially as my husband goes away for work...but we want to have ourselves in a situation where we are comfortable, can save up some savings, and be able to pay for some of our 3 children's schooling.

I think the right decision will be to buy one that we can really afford with lots of wiggle room so that we can go on vacation twice a year. (once in the summer and once in the winter). We can renovate as we see fit, as we like to reno...and we will make sure that it is near to a park or a green space, but not necessarily on one.

Of course it could all change in time....I guess we will see in 3 or so months. :)

Dr.Jack aka The Man

Thank god for Dr.Jack Newman. I emailed him after I had my meltdown yesterday. He replied as only Dr.Jack can and assured me that I could nurse and that the radiation treatment was not even an option if you had a little one.

So, radiation is off the list for the time being.

He also recommended some different medications and told me to ask my doctor about them. I was so relived to hear that women can successfully nurse with Graves. Not that I actually doubted it because I have been having symptoms for quite a while. Like read: years.

I was also concerned about passing it on to the new baby as a couple of people had told me that this might be the case. He assured me that it could not cross in milk but may cross through the placenta and to let my midwives know in case the baby needed treatment in the first 3 months.

If I have any extra money laying around this year I am going to donate it to his clinic, as he alone is one of the best resources for breastfeeding in the whole of Canada.

(I would urge you to do the same. :) )

Pity Post - pay no mind...

I am awake at 1:16am due to hunger and pregnancy induced insomnia...

Today was a interesting day, mood wise.

We went and saw a show home that we can now afford because of my husbands new job. It was lovely. I fell in love with it immediately. You know when you have your list in your head of every little thing that you may want one day...this was my forever house. I could live there NO problem for years. The only thing is that my husband would have to stay a rig worker for 10 years to pay off the mortgage.

Also, I am starting to get nervous about the 8 day away thing. Supper and bedtime are the hardest parts of the day for me and I will really miss my hubby, but I have to keep looking at the bigger picture. I know we can do this...and if I lived in that house it would be even more do-able...lol.

All this is exacerbated by this damn Graves bullshit. It's really hitting home for me today, and probably the actual reason why I am awake. I mean no one is actually "normal" but to actually know that you have a disease that affects your quality of life is really daunting. And the treatments scare the shit out of me. (this is my blog I can swear if I want). I mean, cutting your neck!! Your NECK. Good lord. I can't even take pre-natals because they make me gag, but I am supposed to go on meds for my whole life? Every day? And radiation...radiation?! I can't even go into that one, as I will just get more upset.

I haven't been googling Graves a lot because I don't want to hear horror stories, or get myself too worked up with mis-information...but I did join a support group on Facebook, and while the stories are uplifting and people are getting treatment, I keep noticing that they all have my symptoms. Some of these symptoms are ones that I didn't even know WERE symptoms....like my eye twitch, and watering. I thought that it was just stress from my husband. I got it after having Ryan...now apparently it is one of the first signs.

I keep hoping, and praying that this is just some mistake. I mean they haven't *actually* diagnosed me yet. I haven't had the antibody test to make sure that it is, as it is super hard to figure that out in pregnancy...so they will have to wait until I give birth and the hormones all fix themselves.. THEN we can go get tested.

I just really hope it isn't. (and that it isnt cancer either.)

This really really sucks.

Still Processing

We have had many big things happen this week and I am still processing them but am feeling that we may be getting back to normal. My husband gave his 2 weeks from a job that he has worked at for 6 years to work up north for an 8 on shift...which will be a big change..

I will post more about it once we get closer as stuff is still being worked out.

I am having tones of Braxton Hicks which is normal for me to start getting at this stage of the game (28weeks). Just more tiring than anything.

And as for a follow-up from my last post...I am feeling so grateful for all the wonderful support and advice that people are giving me. I really feel like I have a strong network of friends and family to draw on in the next couple years while I figure all this stuff out.

I am def. leaning towards another baby tho...just to delay deciding anything at this moment at time. :)

My oldest will be starting soccer in March...I will then be a soccer mom...so why not add another boy to the mix....

(I dont think my husband reads this....)

Life

This is a harder post than I thought it would be. I have been trying to write it since yesterday, but the words are not as available as I would have hoped, which means that I am still processing.

I was diagnosed with an auto immune disorder yesterday. Graves disease. The reason why I have been a toothpick for over 6 years.

See, I started at about 120 lbs before having my kids, and my last weight was just over 90 lbs, on a 5'6" frame...needless to say I look pretty emaciated.

But, still able to get pregnant, and gain weight while pregnant; so kinda confusing.

When I was pregnant with my last child the midwives noticed that my thyroid levels were low, and we got them retested but they normalized so we stopped investigating. This time they were even lower, almost non-existent. So they kept testing and a specialist finally decided that Graves is what I have had since my early 20's.

I have very conflicting feelings about getting the diagnosis. On the one hand I feel relieved that it isnt cancer, or something worse. I am also surprised to find out that all of the weird things that I thought were just quirks of myself, are actually symptoms...like tingly fingers, and insomnia.

I am also freaking out about the treatments that are available.

Basically there are 3.

1) Radiation - my least favourite but most effective treatment. While I don't get the willies from radiation itself, I am nervous to either a) have to wean my child prematurely, and b) not be around them for at least 4 days after treatment. I have not ever been away from my kids for 48hrs, let alone 4 days....and my oldest is almost 5.

2) Surgery - again, the need for weaning, and not being there for my children. Not to mention a huge scar across my neck...partial decapitation is not something one would look forward to.

3) Medication - 30% effective...not really good odds. Again the weaning, the doctor did say that I could nurse while on medication...but at the same time, what would this medication do to my new little buddy.

So, the neat thing is that pregnancy actually inhibits this disorder, but I can't be pregnant forever. Although this may cause me to try for #4 in a year or two....if only to delay these choices. The worse part is that I am an attachment parent that *wants* to nurse for as long as mutually agreeable, and *wants* to wear my baby close, and not leave my kids for long periods of time.

C-Sections vs. The Zodiac

I am the Vice President of a Birthing Advocacy group and so I have some strong opinions on the way that women are treated in the birthing room.

I have many issues with the way that women are induced, and how interventionist our society has become when it comes to a birth. Women are not machines, and birth is not a formula, it's different for everyone....

Anyway, this post is not to go on and on about my beliefs that are backed by science, this post is to talk about why (in my nut bar way) I am opposed to elective c-sections.

The bottom line for me is that we humans don't get to choose everything about our babies...we don't get to choose the gender, we don't get to choose the colour of hair, skin, or eyes, we don't get to choose the weight, the child's personality, intelligence and the like....so why do we get to choose a birthday?

I am one of those freaks that believes in the zodiac. I am a Gemini through and through. So it bothers me when doctors want to induce a woman, or schedule a c-section before the baby is ready...now don't start flaming me about the necessity of c-sections. I absolutely believe that there is a time and a place for them, and my dislike for the choice of date really doesnt matter if they are before or after the mid-month (when the sign changes). However, if your doctor says, I have an opening on the 20th or the 23rd...do they or you really have a choice to what sign your child is born under? Do you even think about that? I don't think many people do.

Maybe I am a complete freak for even thinking about it, but I do....I would hope that when at all possible that a woman be allowed to START her labour and then if a C-section is needed we already know what sign the child was to be born under. I mean, does it really matter if she has a couple contractions? (if anything those contractions will help with milk production later).

A Rut.

You know when you can see the end goal and know how to get there, but just can't seem to make it in a timely manner? That is how I feel at this moment...I am stuck in this rut.

Now, I warn you that I am going to bitch about finances for a moment, which is probably faux-pas but that is all I think about at the moment...or at least it is at the forefront of my mind.

I used to go to school, and I couldnt afford this school, so I got my mommy to co-sign a loan for me so I could go. I, in the meantime (last year of school) got preggo (totally planned) and stopped going to school full time. So, said loan, came into repayment.

Not a bad thing entirely. We also got the Child Tax Benefit and that was automatically placed into the account paying the loan.

Fast forward to last year, and for some reason the govt started sending cheques rather than putting it into said acct. So the loan goes into arrears, by quite a bit, before we are any the wiser that this has happened.

Now, to today. We are still in arrears about $200. Not a lot of money I know, but to just throw $200 at a loan when you are living off of one income and trying to pay for food is just not happening. Of course the bank doesnt care that we pay them $400 a month to try get caught up to this stupid loan.

I wish that everything wasnt so black and white and that they would just back off a little because we do pay every single month. The min. payment is $140 and we pay $400...and yes, it is still in arrears, but come on...we pay in good faith.

My dream will be realized when I can move this loan out of the institution it is in and put it somewhere else, close all my accounts and never ever use them again.

The Same, not Different

I have been listening to some of my friends and aquantinces about how difficult it is to raise boys, and all of the challenges that they face with their sons.

At first people suggest that it could be a variety of things, as kids are usually affected by many different environmental factors.

Food. The types, organic or non, dairy, food colouring, gluten, frequency of eating, or not eating for that matter.

Potty. Whether they go potty really affects the mood of kids. I know that mine get aggressive when they need to pee.

Energy. Too much sleep, not enough sleep, exercise, how much running do they need? The more energy they burn off the better it is for everyone involved. (hard in the winter)

There can also be many more things that we just don't know that affect boys and girls equally, development, environment, brain...etc.

I started thinking that perhaps that it may be because some of these moms have girls as well...

Let me explain. It's no secret that I believe that girls and boys are hardwired differently...so perhaps the mom expects her son to act a certain way and that he is such a handful because her daughter isn't?

I think this could be a real answer for some of these moms...I see them with both of their children, or all three, and see that the girls are talked to in a different manner. For example, "Hunny, can you please get your boots on" vs. "(Child's name) put your boots on."

It could be that the boy is harder to deal with and that he needs that direct-ness, but I dont think so.

I think that I have the benefit of seeing that both of my boys are equally challenging in their own ways and am better to just go with the flow than try to understand what is causing it. Just by listening to them and giving the opportunity to get angry and frustrated without me coming down on them allows them more time to process and then we get on with our day!

A Post on Haiti.

I couldn't continue to watch the coverage about Haiti on the news and the telethon without commenting for a moment.

There are a couple things that I want to mull over...I do want to preface by saying that a good friend of mine's husband is from Haiti and I hope and wish for all of his family to be safe and healthy.

I wanted to talk about the orphans, children and the newborns. This was a country that already had it's share of children that needed adoption, and the disaster just added to that toll. It makes me frustrated that the media thinks that if Canadians adopt these children then their nightmare will end. That is complete ludicrous. These poor children will have post traumatic stress syndrome...and most of them are old enough that this disaster will haunt them forever. Some children saw their parents die in front of them, siblings, friends, loved ones...how is going on an airplane across the world going to help? I mean really, I am not saying that if we adopt these kids that it wont have an impact, far from it...I am just trying to say that they will need major attachment parenting, and psychological help. Imagine being 5 and losing your mom, and then just being flown to another country where you dont speak the language and some stranger trying to "save" you and assimilate you into the culture...it just worries me...for the kids.

I think that the parents that were in the process of adopting will have a better handle on things because they understand why they were adopting in the first place. We all want to help, and I am trying to be as politically correct when I post this, but not ALL people are meant to be adoptive parents, and I question some of the motives of the people wanting to.

My husband and I have always talked about adopting or fostering to adopt, but we want to do it to give another child a step up in life that they may not have had the opportunity to, I wouldnt want to adopt just to be one of the ones that "saved" the children....

The next thing I wanted to rant about was the backlash that aid organizations have been getting when sending formula to newborns in Haiti. Yes, there is not very much clean drinking water. Yes, we need to educate women on breastfeeding and encourage it....but at the same time, sending donated milk seems like a big production. Every child deserves breastmilk, (hopefully their own mothers). Let's just say that the mother passed away, or she is too injured to nurse...perhaps we can take off our Lactivist hats for just a minute and realize that while corrupt (now) formula was created for a reason, and that we should accept the donation from any company (even Nestle) if they are willing to give it. Formula could mean life and death for some of these infants, and to get caught up in semantics at this time of crisis I feel is in poor taste.

I am as much of a breastfeeding promoter as the next person, but I do see the inherent need of formula. Especially in places where it is low income and lack of resources. The cost alone to send pumped milk itself would be outrageous....storage, transit, pasteurization, re-fridgeration...Perhaps this money or milk could be put to better uses. (at this moment).

I just feel that the west is trying to make this better by throwing money at it, by holding up a badge that says "I donated to Haiti" like it is some fad or something, using this horrific crisis as a soap box for some other agenda. We need to help them get on their feet, help with aid, find some of the children's parents, and help them re-build.

Day 20 - Clutter Challenge

Picking up speed.

96 - Book on Cats.

97 - Mosquito Net for a baby stroller.

98 - 2 Childrens Books.

99 - Cat's harness and Lead.

100 - Pillow Case!!

Great 100 items done! Just 50 to go and I have 1 week to go!!

Day 19 - Clutter Challenge

And the list continues...

91 - Another Playtex Drop In

92 - A bunch of operating CD's for a Window's machine

93 - Mop / Broom hangers x 2

94 - Toy Police Badges

95 - A big bag of clothing (adult)

95/ 150 done...looking good!

Day 18 - Clutter Challenge

I am still working away at my clutter challenge, but doing a horrible job at writing it down and keeping track, but my house continues to look fabulous.

So the list.

86 - Paper Bags from Planet Organic

87 - A Diego Game.

88 - A Santa Teddy

89 - Palmers Bottom Butter

90 - Drop in for Playtex Nursing System.

Not bad, more to come...hopefully today!

The End of a Chapter

I have a habit for doing thing for free for the benefit of others. I guess I just have a philantropic nature. I really enjoy helping people, even if it is to my detriment.

I have been actively involved in a parenting group (grassroots) in my city for the last 6 years, I have attended countless meetings, been to many many a potluck and a playgroup, and moderated the forum for 3.5years.

I am not sure why I kept on doing it. The bickering, drama and stress alone that I showcased in this blog, should have been enough to get me to stop. For some reason I felt obligated to stay. To stay for friends, because of the time and effort put in, for my own need of acceptance, to show that I can make a difference? I am not sure. I just know that as of yesterday, I just couldnt.

The group has been taken over by a new board of directors and the transition has not been an easy one. I am friends with all of those on the board, but one should not mix business and pleasure. I am really happy not to have to be the "devil's advocate" for all those members that emailed me quietly offlist because they did not want to stir the pot, and knew that I had no problems in doing so.

Now, I can just participate. I dont have to watch my tone, or make sure that I am showing a good face for the parenting group. I can do whatever I please, accountable to no one but myself.

In reality, I will probably just fill up this new free time with something else....PTA anyone....

Day 17 - Clutter Challenge

This day will be full of posts for the clutter challenge! (just to catch up!)

81 - Kid's Book - Zip

82 - Kid's Book - Fiddle I Fee

83 - Kid's Book - Old MacDonald Had a Farm

84 - Kid's Book - It's Silly Time

85 - Vanilla Scented Candle

I could use all the books as one, but books are hard for us to give away so I am going to count each and every one. :)

Day 16 - Clutter Challenge

I have kind of fallen off the bandwagon as my kids are making me crazy, and the house is looking worse for it.

I do have some stuff however,

76 - A Spice Jar

77 - A Bag of Magnets and Buttons

78 - 4 Little Einstein CD's

79 - A Blood Pressure Cuff (toy)

80 - Kids Book - Plop

80!!! Woot!

Disciplining the Parents

What a concept.

My mom actually brought this lightbulb moment for me. Let me explain what it means and where I am coming from.

So today at playgroup things were a little more chaotic than I would have liked. Many of the moms had already left the room to go to see the parent educator and I was left to watch the children with the other volunteers. Needless to say, on the first day back, many of the kids did not have good listening skills. There was blatant disrespect and behaviour issues.

I listened to the facilitator ask the children time and time again to "please stop the behaviour" but they didnt. I started to get frustrated and asked the facilitator what course of action were we going to follow, and that my child would have been removed from the situation LONG ago. She replied that "We don't do time-out" and then continued to plead with the child to stop...

So, feeling that I had lost my power I decided to leave, as I was leaving a little girl (3.5yrs) looked me straight in the eyes with a "look at what I am going to do" and pushed my 2 year old to the ground, and gave me a smirk.

I was not going to let this child think that she could disrespect me or my 2 year old son, so I exclaimed. "(child's name) we do not push little children. You need to apologize to him." She looked so taken aback that *someone* was holding her accountable that she ran SCREAMING to her dad.

He promptly picked her up and asked her what the problem was, and what was wrong. I went right up to him and said, "She pushed my son, on purpose, I expect her to apologize."

Now, I know forcing children to apologize is just dumb. They are going to dig their heels, but for some reason, losing my authority in the playroom made me NEED to get it back from this child and her dad....and you know what, it took 15 mins of her crying and making excuses, but she finally apologized.

Did I handle that one wrong....probably. So while recanting the story to my mom she said, "why would you think that the children would care what you think? You need to hold their parents accountable."

She continued to explain that when a child is in school and skips or whatever, the parents are called and chastised by the principal, and then they put pressure on their child not to do the offending behaviour again.

So her solution for my issue would have been to go up to the parents and say, "Don't you teach (child's name) not to push younger children? That type of behaviour is not acceptable in my house." By shaming the parents they may think that perhaps instead of coddling their child they should step up and actually parent.

Hey, like I have said time and time again, I am all for gentle discipline and attachment parenting to a point; but some behaviours are just not okay. Period.

Hitting, Slapping, Fighting, Choking, Scratching, Spitting, Hair Pulling, Toy Throwing, Hitting Parents, Hurting Animals, Hurting Babies etc. No amount of talking and distraction is going to put a stop to these behaviours. The child needs to know that this type of behaviour is NOT acceptable in the least bit, and that their are consequences to those behaviours. Immediate consequences.

Thats my rant....

Another Crying Post

A good friend of mine just decided to Cry It Out with her child last night. I know this because she posted it on Facebook. I don't really understand why people post that stuff on their Facebook profiles...maybe to get support or to support others I would assume. What basically starts happening is a mommy war right on her wall. Pro - CIO vs. Against.

This is one of the BIGGEST issues that splits parents down the middle, so I was surprised that she actually did post it, as she is a business owner as well, and mom's are incredibly fickle. I never post that I don't vaccinate, co-sleep, or whatever, because I don't think my clients need to know...and if they want to know they can ask me to my face.

The thing with Crying It Out is that everyone has a different opinion on what Crying It Out actually entails...some would say *any* type of uncomforted crying, other would say *any* type of crying period, another would define it as crying for 10 - 15 min intervals, some say leaving a child for 12 hrs in their crib and not going in..for anything.

I am more of the latter. I understand why parents use crying it out. I truly do. I completely sympathize with moms feeling so helpless and sleep deprived that they hope that anything will work. And it does work. Science supports it. Of course psychologists refer to it as the extinction method, or learned helplessness, but those words are not really as marketable.

It really comes down to a child's temperament and personality, and my issue is with the "experts" that think that one size fits all and even if your child pukes not to go in, and they will learn in 3 days! (or asphyxiate on their own vomit and die...but that isnt in the talk either).

I think a mom that is sleep deprived should try anything that she can to get some sleep, but she MUST listen to her instincts. If she feels sick, or sad or whatever, STOP. If she thinks in the bottom of her gut that maybe, just maybe this may be hurting her baby...STOP. If she feels okay letting her child cry for 10 mins and then the child falls asleep and she goes in to check on them and all is fine...so be it. What she does in her house does not affect me or the relationship that I have with my children, and honestly I would probably be jealous that she got more sleep than me the night before.

The bottom line is that we have lost our ability to just listen to ourselves and our children. We have instincts for a reason, we need to listen to them.

A Really Good Day

I had an incredibly awesome day with my boys today. Does that mean that I usually don't? Well to be honest a 4 and a 2 year old can be trying at the best of times and that just gets worse when you get more pregnant. ;P But, one of my intentions is to spend more time with my family and so today I decided to take the boys to the zoo.

We had our regular class that we go to on Tuesdays, which was WONDERFUL to get back into our regular routine after the holidays, and then we went straight to the zoo.

We got there at 11:30am, and then decided we would get lunch. I was to meet up with some friends at 1:30pm, so I knew that I had plenty time to get the kids fed and watered.

We got lunch and then just walked around the zoo for a couple hours. Had some snacks and walked around some more.

It was not stressful in the least bit. This is a huge turning point for me as taking them anywhere would cause me to have a meltdown by the end of the trip.

I think a lot of it was because I had no expectations. No one to really meet, I mean my friends were going to be there, but it was a large group, so I wasnt expected to stay with them.

We were able just to do the zoo at our own pace, just for us.

I think I may do this more often.