India - The Prequel

Hindu Temple

When you tell people that you are going to India they get really excited. I think it's because it is one of those exotic far-away destinations that almost everyone has on their bucket list. Maybe it's because it is so far away, or maybe because there is something for everyone. They have a rich history, amazing food, an incredible culture, nice weather, and spirituality that encompasses the whole country.

While we were travelling we saw tourists that fit in every one of these categories. Families there for the sun, backpackers there to experience the "real" India, older tourists visiting all the heritage sights, and many many people dressed in what I would consider yogi, or simple clothes following a spiritual path that only they and their god(s) knew of.

For many people India is a world that is full of mystery, and wonderings. It is so far removed from our western culture that it gets romanticized in our movies and media. You hear again and again from people who have been there that India is not a destination, but rather an experience. And, it was. However for me, it was not an experience that people would assume - you see it was not my first time to India, and going back coloured my experience in more ways than even I expected.

12 year old me

When I was 12 years old my parents and my three siblings moved to Kota, Rajasthan. My dad was working with the Canadian and Indian governments on a project and so my grade 6 year we moved from Canada into a 6 bedroom house in the outskirts of a little town in north west India. We had many servants, a cook and a nanny. (her name was Shanti) It sounds like it was glamorous or something but my parents are not like that at all. We had to have the servants as it was expected that a western family would have them.  Honestly though, my mom had 4 kids under 12 in a foreign country with no support so I think she enjoyed the help at least a little. We were not the only family that lived in Kota, as the project was quite big. I was lucky enough that there was another girl my age and we made fast friends the first day of "school". All the children on the project were homeschooled, but we also went to school with a teacher who made sure that we kept on track with curriculum.

A Holy Cow

I can't really sum up that year except to say that THIS was the experience that people talk about. I think that it would have been the same had we gone to any third world country. I was an adolescent girl who was  acutely aware of myself. Incredibly self conscious and even more so as I was one of 40 or so families that were white. People noticed me. All the time. They looked, stared, and gestured. People smiled and were curious...and I, who has always been an extrovert, was incredibly shy. This was the one year of my life that I feel I took a backseat and WATCHED instead of jumping right up to the front as I usually do - even to this day.

The reason behind this is because I was a complete outsider. Not only did I not speak the language, but I was also a girl (becoming a woman), and at that time women were expected to act differently than they would be in North America. I had to learn new ways to carry myself, to talk to elders, to men, to my brothers. Having always been the oldest in my family, it surprised me when people would comment on how I must pay so much respect to these two little brats that made my life miserable, how there were celebrations for them, how I was to respect them. I can't really explain what it is like to grow up in a culture with such freedom for women and girls, and then living within another one that marginalizes them.

Experiences are the things that shape you. I credit India for shaping me.

When I came back to Canada I was again the outsider. Of course it was Jr.High, but how can one girl go back into the social pecking order that is adolescence when her whole idea of the world is vastly different than that of all her classmates?

I had felt racism directed at me. I had felt inequality in my soul. I saw true poverty with my own eyes. True desperation, and real suffering. I had witnessed squalor, filth, hopelessness and death. But I had also witnessed understanding, compassion, joy, and a work ethic like no other. This changes you, especially if this happens in those formative years when you are just learning about yourself. My experience made me more compassionate, more empathetic, and more understanding of all people around me. It also made me incredibly grateful for the life that I have been so lucky to be born into - that of a middle class Canadian woman.

Wearing a Sari as an Adult

And yes, India was amazing. I will share what I learned this time around in a series of posts. I am not sure how many I will do as this one wasn't really supposed to go into this direction - but I have a feeling none of them will since it is about a country that has touched my very soul.

He and ADHD

My son was diagnosed with ADHD.

Lego Ninjago

How many times have you read that? Many I suppose. It's not like it is some new age diagnosis that has been over diagnosed by pediatricians that have no idea what they are really talking about since it is a brain thing - and not a body thing - or is it both?

The point is that yes, many kids have it.

It's not a death sentence. Its not something that can be cured. It's not something that needs to be worn on the sleeve if his shirt to let everyone know that hey, he may be a little different. It's not an excuse for bad behaviour. It's not an excuse for any behaviour at all.

It's the way he thinks. It's in his DNA. In his brain chemistry. And yes, some if the behaviours that are symptoms can be hard to deal with for me. But they are also hard for him. He doesn't think like me. He doesn't understand some social cues. He doesn't understand personal space. He doesn't understand why his playing really loudly can sometimes cause adults to be irritated - he doesn't realize that he is doing it. And he isn't doing it on purpose.

I can tell him a million times that he needs to "be quiet" or that he must "calm down" or "stop moving" but that isn't going to make him stop. It will just make me more frustrated. It will also hurt his self esteem. But I will still do it. I am only human. 

Loves to Learn! 

The worst part about ADHD is that these kids are smart. Not just book smart, but smart beyond their years. They are creative, and think outside the box. They are leaders, forward thinkers and trail blazers. They take risks. (this may be because they lack the executive functioning not to think about risk, before they take them... But this is beside the point.)

The reason why this is bad is because you, the parent, the teacher, the adult can forget so quickly that these children are different and your expectations of them will be off. You will expect more of them than needs to be expected - and that isn't fair to him and it certainly isn't fair to you.
But life isn't fair. 

The best thing I can do is educate myself and continue to ask questions. Try to view the world from his eyes. Try to remind myself daily that he isn't like his brothers and to stop comparing them. To see them as individuals with different strengths and weaknesses - not better nor different - but unique to them. 

Inquisitive

It has taken me a long time to write this post. We knew that he was a challenge when he was younger and had flags go up as he progressed in school. Why such a bright kid was having so many problems, we knew it was coming. I didn't want to know - and even now am wary of the diagnosis as it is a label..and who really wants the label good or bad or indifferent? 

But I need to own it. To be an advocate for him and for our whole family. To learn and share my knowledge to other families going through the same thing but maybe not as vocal as me.. (who is) who maybe don't have the same background as me and maybe don't know what questions to ask. 

I struggled when they gave me the 12 page report that outlined all the tests and issues and suggestions and considerations about my son. But you know what? Its just a piece of paper. He is who he is for a reason. It is my job as his mom to give him the tools to be the best that he can be just by being himself.
                                                

I love this boy!!

**update Aug 31 - After writing my blog I recieved some comments and so I decided to compose a Vlog for you. (sorry for the lighting and the crappy quality - working on it)

Attachment Parenting - The Fallacy

We have all heard the term "Attachment Parenting." It was coined by paediatrician Dr.William Sears after reading a book called "The Continum Concept" by Jane Leidloff. Combining her ideas with the work of Dr. John Bowbly he introduced AP to the world. He wrote many books and articles in magazines such as Mothering to outline the 7 Baby B's that one must follow to "be" an "Attachment Parent."

As a new mom trying to find her sea legs 6 years ago I read everything from Baby Wise to The Baby Book and what he was saying in those 900 pages really resonated with me. I followed those Baby B's exclusively. Now as a mom of 3 young boys I want to let you know that the Baby B's and "Attachment Parenting" is a crock.

You can Breastfeed that baby until he is 10 and he will still say that he hates you. You can bed-share until she is 15 and she will still defy you. You can wear that baby in a baby carrier until your heart is content and he will still look you in the face and lie to you about something.

The Baby B's and the term "Attachment Parenting" just give women more tools to oppose eachother, to continue with the mommy wars and judge eachother more harshly.

In my opinion you could do every single one of the Baby B's and still NOT be an "Attachment Parent". You could also not do any of them and have the most well adjusted and attached children ever.

I like to think of it as who a person IS as a parent and not what they DO.

The Baby B's are like a loose list of things that you can do with an *infant* to foster attachment, and all of these become obsolete for most of us once our children are around 3 or so. (there is of course the stray person who continues to co-sleep and breastfeed until 10, but there are not many here in North America.)

So after 3 years do we just cease to be an "Attachment Parent"? I think that instead of focusing on the list of things that make you AP we stop putting all our efforts into judging those that feed with formula, wear a bjorn or push a stroller and focus more on how to foster attachment with the preschooler, young child, tween, teenager and young adult.

How to instill confidence, self esteem, and self worth. To foster empathy and sympathy but also assertiveness.

We need to ignore the claims made by other moms saying that "I AP my kids and they turned out so right" because her kids have just as many off days as yours do, and she loses her temper or takes the easy way out sometimes too.

So stop believing people when they say AP is the BEST way, it may be for some people, but I think what the best way is LISTENING to your OWN gut and doing what is BEST for YOUR family. If that means following 2 or 1 or none of the Baby B's so be it.

Parent your children with love, with respect, with kindness, empathy and compassion. Have no regrets, and be kind to yourself in the process and you will be even better than a so called "Attachment Parent". And as a bonus your kids will be better off as well when these unattainable expectations are released from your psyche.

I am no longer an "Attachment Parent". I cast that label from myself. I am my kids' mom AKA a parent and the BEST one that my kids deserve.

The Spirited Child

I went to a parent's group today just to learn more about my kids etc. We were talking about temperaments and how no matter what your parenting style is, how it will not affect the child's innate personality; no matter how hard you try.

We talked about labels and how we can say lots of negative labels when referring to our kids, but how we can change those labels into positive traits as well. For example, bossy could be self-assured, defiant could be independent, nosey could be seen as curious. When we look at these labels in a positive way we see that we actually want to cultivate them in our children. Self-assured, independent, curious adults are exactly what I want my sons to be.

We also talked about the label of the spirited child. We took a test to see if our children had any of the traits that a spirited child is supposed to have. I thought that between my two kids my younger one would be more spirited as he is the most vocal and active. That boy knows what he wants and will not rest until he gets it. What surprised me the most was that my older son ranked the highest on the spirited scale. It was shocking to me actually.

He does not do well in transitions, he is extremely sensitive and empathetic, he likes things just so, etc. I was wondering why I didnt notice any of this until I took this test and it occurred to me that I "over parent" him. I dont want the battle or the conflict so I head it off at the pass, I cut the crusts off his peanut butter sandwich and serve it on a green plate with a green cup....I read him 4 stories before bed, and get the water, and the snuggle, I make sure the labels are cut out of his shirts, he doesnt have to wear jeans, etc. Now I realize that the reason I don't see that "spirit" is because I have made his life easier, and he doesnt have many transitions....but is this doing him a dis-service? Should I be ignoring his quirks and making him see that it doesnt always go his way?

Am I coddling him? And what does that mean for kindergarten?

A Question of Parenting Style.

My last post I concentrated on "attachment parenting" and the disservice that "experts" can do to new mothers by making them think that some how this will lead to angel children. Today I am going to talk about the 3 types of parenting that are in Barbara Coloroso's book "Kids are Worth It."

The first thing that I should point is that there has to actually be a classification of 3 types of parents. Really...so we all basically fit into one of 3 molds...I dont think so. There are as many types of parents as there are kids so to try and place us all into a category again undermines our very abiltiy to parent and makes us question those instincts that we have towards our offspring.

Anyway, I digress. Let's start.

Authoritarian.

This parent is a bear. Doesn't really listen to their child, uses corporal punishment, is punitive etc. Not someone you want to aspire to be. :)

Democratic.

The listener, The *I* statements, the reasoning...basically the run of the mill parent. The one that we *should* all be.

Permissive

The jelly-fish. Lets their kid get away with anything, and honestly, at least for me..the hardest parents to deal with. No discipline at all.

Now where is "AP" on this scale....you know what? It could be all three. Shocking!!!

But really, sometimes we have to put our foot down, esp. when safety is a concern and at other times we can be totally permissive when we want to keep our cool and know that this battle wont matter in the long run.

Whatever the case, it just doesnt matter what the label says you are. You are you, and you know your child and you want to do the best you can do as a parent. No "expert" telling you what you "should" do is going to help you, if anything it will just make you feel more judged or more guilty for something that you may have done in the past.

Parenting is hard. Its the hardest job that anyone will ever have, bottom line. If you teach your kids respect, respect for them, you, and life what else really matters?