Freak of Nature.

When I would go out with my first I would secretly hope that people would look at me and think how cute my baby was. I really did. I loved getting those smiles that people give you when they see you with your first baby. Of course, they could have been secretly thinking, "hahaha! She doesn't know what she is in for!" But, I think for the most part people just like seeing babies.

After I became pregnant with my second, I would hope the same. I would hold my 2/3 year olds hand and then have the baby in my carrier of choice. We would walk and people would say, "oh, what sweet boys you have..." I really enjoyed just going out with the two of them and walking wherever we needed to go, taking our time and being our silly selves.

I didn't think that it would change. As my brood got bigger I thought that people would still give me that smile and say how precious my kids were. They didn't change, so why would I think that the interaction with people would?

But it did. I wrote about it in this post and this post. It were these outings that made me feel like a freak of nature with all of my kids. And the sad thing is that I only have 3. Many people I know have 4 or even more. I dread going out with them. I feel like everyone is looking at me, and maybe it is all in my head, but I can't handle the judgement. I just don't have the confidence to put up with it.

Sometimes I get the nerve to try go out again with all 3 because I need something that can't wait until the husband comes home. But inevitably every time that I do, fate steps in and shows me that I am a fool to think that anything should really go my way.

For example. We went to the grocery store (ahh the grocery store land of judgement galore) and I had both my kids in the "car cart" and the baby in the wrap (tied loosely because he was nursing). The 3 year old started acting out and standing on his seat, I warned him that I was going to buckle him in..he ignored me. So I calmly leaned over and put the strap on...the baby started fussing because he was being compressed by me bending over (but it would take a SECOND to snap the strap and we could go) and all of a sudden this old lady (70's) came over yelling, "HIS HEAD!! HIS HEAD!! YOU ARE SQUISHING THE BABY'S HEAD!!!" and I was...a bit...(it really wasnt that bad.)

Anyway, the WHOLE aisle then decided to look at this freak wearing this long piece of cloth tied to her squishing her baby, and her two other children crying and whining.....I wanted to crawl in a hole...I thanked the lady, said he was fine, and left.

I go to that particular store often, and feel sad that it's things like that which make me afraid to go out.

It's almost like I feel ashamed to have 3 children. When I am around my friends I don't as like I said, many of us have more than one...but when in public and I have one child holding my left hand, and one child holding my right, and then the baby on the front, it just makes me feel uncomfortable.

ps. the picture is from Demi Bella which I am totally ordering from!

Barely Making It? Change it up.

I have talked before how it irritates me when people say "I don't know how you do it" in regards to single parenting 85% of the time. My response is always "Not well!" Today was sure one of those examples!

My lovely sister came over last night to watch my children for me so that I could go on a much needed Moms Night Out. (which I enjoyed immensely) When I came home we decided to stay up and have some girl time. I stayed up WAY too late! 2 am is not okay for moms of 3 kids. I felt sick in the morning. (and I didn't get my latte, so that makes me grouchy as well). She helped me put together some furniture (IKEA), and then went back to her life...and I back to mine.

There is something about lack of sleep and lack of latte that makes children's fighting and whining that much more hard to take, and makes me a much worse parent. I was yelling and screaming and sending kids to their rooms because *I* was having the tantrum.

It's interesting how just that little bit of extra sleep can really change the tone of the day. Also, how when I lose control it just reinforces the behaviours that I don't really like to see in them...but they are just copying the way that I react when I am having a tough go.

Weekends have always been the toughest in any case because being alone with no adult interaction really drains on me. But I have said this before. I really feel that being a parent that tries to be present and aware of my kids feelings etc, sets me up for a little bit more failure because the expectations of my self are much higher than they could be.

I try not to speed through the day because I don't want to rush through their childhood, so I decided instead to sign them both up for a class. It's a sports class right in the middle of the day. So we get out, change the routine and make the day better.

After our class we visited Starbucks and got hot chocolates, and my latte... we then came home and watched a movie together, dinner then bedtime....and the hope that tomorrow will be much better! :)

Life

This is a harder post than I thought it would be. I have been trying to write it since yesterday, but the words are not as available as I would have hoped, which means that I am still processing.

I was diagnosed with an auto immune disorder yesterday. Graves disease. The reason why I have been a toothpick for over 6 years.

See, I started at about 120 lbs before having my kids, and my last weight was just over 90 lbs, on a 5'6" frame...needless to say I look pretty emaciated.

But, still able to get pregnant, and gain weight while pregnant; so kinda confusing.

When I was pregnant with my last child the midwives noticed that my thyroid levels were low, and we got them retested but they normalized so we stopped investigating. This time they were even lower, almost non-existent. So they kept testing and a specialist finally decided that Graves is what I have had since my early 20's.

I have very conflicting feelings about getting the diagnosis. On the one hand I feel relieved that it isnt cancer, or something worse. I am also surprised to find out that all of the weird things that I thought were just quirks of myself, are actually symptoms...like tingly fingers, and insomnia.

I am also freaking out about the treatments that are available.

Basically there are 3.

1) Radiation - my least favourite but most effective treatment. While I don't get the willies from radiation itself, I am nervous to either a) have to wean my child prematurely, and b) not be around them for at least 4 days after treatment. I have not ever been away from my kids for 48hrs, let alone 4 days....and my oldest is almost 5.

2) Surgery - again, the need for weaning, and not being there for my children. Not to mention a huge scar across my neck...partial decapitation is not something one would look forward to.

3) Medication - 30% effective...not really good odds. Again the weaning, the doctor did say that I could nurse while on medication...but at the same time, what would this medication do to my new little buddy.

So, the neat thing is that pregnancy actually inhibits this disorder, but I can't be pregnant forever. Although this may cause me to try for #4 in a year or two....if only to delay these choices. The worse part is that I am an attachment parent that *wants* to nurse for as long as mutually agreeable, and *wants* to wear my baby close, and not leave my kids for long periods of time.

Stuck

I am feeling so stuck lately.
I want to move but can't.
I want to go to school full time but can't.
I would like to sleep 8hrs but can't.
And all things stem from my kids.
I had horrible cabin fever today b/c Chris was at a course and so I had the kids all weekend by myself, and just came off a week of having the kids all day by myself. I wanted to go outside! When a friend invited us out I was so excited, K not so much.
He dragged his feet and cried and whined about leaving our house and I just got so frustrated that instead of screaming and yelling and forcing him out the door, I just gave up.
I seriously could not stand it anymore. I took off all of their outside clothes, gave them a snack, took them upstairs and turned the TV on.
And we had been doing so well, 4 days sans TV.....

Business

I started a Parent Education company and it launches on Saturday at the Natural Family Fair. I am so excited and scared $h!tless as well. I have so much to do and hardly any time to do it.
You should see the state of my house. Chris is at work (again) and it has all gone to h#ll in a handbasket. I am going to have to work my @$$ off before he gets back so that he doesnt complain about how I sit on my butt all day.
Which I really didnt do this time, as I have been super busy. But I dont think that my family realizes how serious I am about this business and how I really want it to take off.
I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions.
Finishing my practicum, doing business stuff, doing fair stuff, watching Keenan, cleaning house, going to the doctor for health concerns (lost 20lbs in 1month), and I am in two courses for general education. (homeopathic for kids and fertility awareness).
Needless to say my plate is overflowing. And I am up until 1am everynight finishing things and doing things on the computer that I wanted to do all day but couldnt because Keenan wants to play kneebouncers.com
And then I am up at least once to nurse and he is up for the day by 6:30 am. (Did I mention he doesnt go to sleep til 10pm?!? DAMN Daylight Savings)
I find that once you finally get them on a schedule, something happens and it all goes to $#!T!!!
(Can I swear enough on this post?)

First Day with G

Keenan's new girlfriend came today for the first full day of me watching her. It actually went really well. I was suprised. I thought that they would both be crying for the whole day.
Granted I am tired. Watching two kids under two is the hardest job I have ever had.
It went well though, really. G came in the morning, we had breaky. Then we had a meltdown, to the park we went.
I don't know what it is, but something about getting out of the house makes kids more manegable. Also it keeps your sanity. G almost feel asleep in the swing at the park so we came back home, much to K's dismay. Picture him crying pitifully, "vrooom, vroooom" I have no idea what car he is talking about, but apparently we were not going any where near it.
I brought the swing out of storage and put G in it. She fell asleep almost immideatley. No crying. Then K started rubbing his eyes. They both slept for over an hour.
The only issue I have with that is now it is almost 5 and K is wired. And he would regularly be napping, so no "me" time today, which sucks because I have been "on call" for almost 12hrs. K woke up super early today.
Otherwise the day was uneventful. It reallyu went well, and it will only get better as the two of them get used to eachother.

Sleep Please

So this morning I lost it. Last night was hellish getting Keenan to go to bed. I had so many other things that could have been getting done, but instead I was there nursing, nursing , nursing for over an hour. It wouldn't have been so bad if Chris wasn't passed out next to me.
He has sleep apnea, and doesnt get a whole lot of sleep because of his job, and I respect that. So I let him sleep. Whenever. But recently, with the whole Keenan sleeping issues I am starting to resent Chris for having the ability to sleep, whenever, where ever. It makes me so mad when I hear him snoring and I am up for yet another hour tending to his son.
So this morning I lost it. I had a heck of a time falling asleep last night. Since my schedule is so messed up from weeks of random sleep. I think I finally fell asleep around 1 - 1 :30am, and there was Keenan waking up to nurse at 6am, for a whole hour. Needless to say, he woke me up. So by 7:10am I was just fuming. That I hadn't gotten any sleep, that my hubby was sleeping through this, and that it was 7am and I was awake.
So I got out of bed and let Chris deal with it. Keenan cried and cried. I feel so guilty. But at the same time I feel like if something doesnt change I am going to be a very mean person.
Does this constitute Crying-it-out? Some people may say yes, and I think it is to an extent. But I also think that all the attachment parenting I have done up to this point will be devalued if I continue to feel resentment towards my son and hubby.
All I am asking for is a break. Maybe one night of uninterupted sleep? Or to be able to sleep in once a month? I don't think that it is too much to ask for Chris to put Keenan down once in a while. We are both his parents, we should have to share the easy stuff and the hard stuff, and maybe that way we will all get some sleep.

Big Boy

*sigh*
The last couple nights have been really hard. I totally jinxed myself by telling people that Keenan is a good sleeper. He WAS a good sleeper. The last 4 nights he has been up all night crying and moving and just not falling asleep until 6am, making Chris and I ... well... angry. We tried everything; boobie, tylenol (teething), not feeing him too late (upset tummy), too early (hungry), short pj's(hot), long p.j's (cold), yesterday I was so mad that I wasn't getting my sleep. I was seething. But I kept it all in there and continued to work with Keenan. He finally feel asleep when Chris couldn't take it and moved off the bed.
Then it donned on us. He sleeps great UNTIL we get in the bed. Then he can't sleep.
Now you all know what an avid co-sleeper I am. Ever since day one he has been in in our bed. So today when we decided to sidecar the crib. I wept.
Not because I am sad. I am happy, I know he is growing up, and maybe sleeping with him is putting my needs first, not OURS.
I don't know if this will work. But he is in there. In the Crib that I thought would never see the light of day. Maybe it's time that he had his own bed.
As I write this I am still weaping. I love him so much, and I love to hold him and smell him and nurse him all night. But, he is not my little baby any more, he is alomost 1 and 1/2, and becoming more and more independent everyday. Becoming a strong, intellectual, stubborn, shy, caring, friendly, outgoing, playful little boy, who will always ALWAYS be welcome in my bed. If HE wants to.