Social Media, Post Partum and My Life - An Ongoing Battle.

A few days ago I was offering advice on a Facebook group that I belong to about anxiety as a first time mom. This wasn't in any special group, another one of those mommy-clubs that are over represented on social media. This particular group is just a bunch of women who shared the same month of pregnancy; a due date club or what have you, nothing else other than the date of conception, morning sickness commiseration's, and the sharing of birth stories and milestones to keep the group a cohesive unit.

It's not that I needed to join another group of mothers, I have plenty of real life amazing girlfriends and a tribe within my own parenting circle of almost 10 years. However, for some reason I am drawn to the first time mom to help and support her. This is probably because I felt so alone and isolated when I, myself, was a first time mom.

As the story goes, I gave this mother some heartfelt advice and it was not well received. Since the invention of Facebook I have noticed new mothers are increasingly more unsure of their new life, maybe because we post statuses every couple hours and our whole lives are up for public scrutiny. I reached out to try and quell some fears that she had on illness, about this whole vaccine crisis, about how everything is risky, and we just have to live our lives well in spite of that. She disagreed vehemently with my viewpoint and it was actually some of the most hurtful words that have ever been thrown my way. This may have been from fear, insecurity or just anger - I am not sure really; but it has profoundly changed the way that I think about myself at the moment.

I have been struggling with post partum depression for a while, and I find that my viewpoint of myself is really coloured by ppd. It's hard to tell what are normal feelings and which ones are exacerbated by the illogical side effects of depression. On a regular day this would have been water off my back, but because of my ppd I have been stressing about it, over analysing and over thinking 2 paragraphs of hurtful comments that happened over a week ago.

This one chance encounter really made me look at why I participate in these online mommy groups, and why I feel that I should be giving advice to people who don't want it, didn't ask for it, and probably really don't need it from some random stranger online. I know that I go into a helping mode so that I don't have to pay attention to the insecurities and fears that I have surrounding my own abilities as a mother. That for me the internet is somewhere to hide when my depression is all encompassing and incredibly hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's somewhere that I can distract myself from the chaos that surrounds me and try and help those who look like they need support when I can't figure out how to support myself.  

This mother told me in not so many words to fuck off, that she hadn't asked for my advice. That I am self-centered and condescending. Patronising even. Pretty much the exact opposite of what I try to be in my life. 

I am not sure if I would have taken it so much to heart if I wasn't in the midst of post-partum, but her words cut so deep to the core that it is hard to get past them. The logical part of my brain tells me that this is insane to continue to feel anxiety and sadness over this as it is just one woman who I don't even know in real life. Just a random mom on the internet with a difference of opinion. Just like me.  I can't help but wonder if she lashed out because of her fears and her insecurities or if it really is a case of me putting my nose where it really shouldn't have been. (as I have been guilty of the latter before.)

All I know is that perhaps my time to help the insecure and frightened mothers online is really a losing battle. It's not for the faint of heart and truth be told I am much too sensitive. I can't take many attacks to my vulnerable spirit. The torch must be passed on and as much as I would like to think that new mothers want the advice that older more experienced mothers have - it's not really so. I remember as a first time mom how much I thought I already knew, and wasn't really open to getting any advice even though I was so desperately lonely and really needed someone to hold my hand.

It's only when you have been a mother for a while do you see value in those that came before. 

This isn't to say that I won't continue to help mothers in need of validation or support as that would go against my very nature. However, I am going to focus on the people I interact with on a real life basis and leave the Facebook couch psychology realm for some other mother/ activist
who is not so burnt out and who doesn't need the support herself. 

So as with everything, this was a wake up call to get my spirit out of the Facebook world where it can so easily get trampled and place it back into my body where it belongs. I guess I should be grateful for that. 

Skip the Babyshower! Have a Mother Blessing Instead!

When I was pregnant with my first child (almost 9 years ago) I was determined to check off every item that babycentre canada said that I needed as a first time mom. My husband and i were both students so we were not as flush as we would have hoped and so we thought a good way to get baby items was to throw a babyshower. It was a good time for sure. We played all of the party games and I got a ton of swag....which I barely even used.

The part about a babyshower that no one tells you is that you probably won't be using all of the "must haves" that the baby companies say that you need. In reality, you only need clothing and diapers. Other than that, everything else is completely personal. (We didn't even use our crib!)
So when baby number 2 and 3 came around I decided to go the more non-traditional route and have a Blessing Way.

A Mother Blessing or Blessingway is a tradition that is taken from many other traditions and then melded to make a beautiful ceremony that celebrates women and motherhood.
Traditionally it is comprised of a group of women that are mothers but who are also incredibly close to the mother who is being celebrated. The guest list is very intimate and extremely exclusive. If a woman invites you to her blessing way, she feels that you alone have a very special place in her heart, and it something to feel very honoured about. (you don't just invite everyone.)

There is no right way to plan a Blessingway, as every mothers needs are different, just as every woman is different. A mother blessing for a first time mom will look very different from that of a second time mom, or a mom who has/going to have a C-birth or a VBAC. If you are hosting the Blessingway for your friend/sister it is important to know this and plan accordingly.

I thought it might be nice if I explained how my own blessing ways typically go, so that you can get a better idea and start planning one for a close girlfriend, or get someone to throw one for you!

About a month before the event send out the invitations. In the invite let everyone know what a Blessingway is and ask them to bring a bead that will be strung on the birth mother's neck while in labour so that she can remember everyone who is there to support her during her birth. Ask them to come with a couple of blessings in mind, one for the mom about her birth, one for the baby, and one for the mom about how her life will change.

Also, ask the guests to bring a potluck item for everyone to share. After the ceremony, it's always nice to nosh together and just talk.

On the day of, if the mother wanted people to place their blessings inside her belly cast, then make sure that she has already made one a couple days before. If not, and she wants to do a belly cast, this can be a fun activity to do at the Blessing so make sure you have the items available.

Once all the guests arrive and are seated in a circle, go around the circle and have each woman introduce herself by her mothers lineage. For example, My name is Alisha, daughter of Ruth, Granddaughter of Audrey, and so on. At this point each woman lights a candle. These candles are to stay lit for the whole ceremony, and at the end each woman takes hers home to re-light when the mother goes into labour. It is also nice at this point to have each mom tell a funny story about the mom-to-be, or how they met, or why they feel their friendship is valuable etc. (The whole point is to make the mom feel supported).

Next, each woman goes around the circle and places a bead on a string, explaining why they chose that particular bead, and what significance it has to them or the new mom, while doing this they also state the wish that they have for the upcoming birth. For example, "I wish for your birth to be one of complete calmness and love. To birth with openness and strength." Once the necklace is done it is placed around the mothers neck.

Next, there is a little pampering where the mother can get her feet washed, hair brushed, nails painted, henna started (henna on the belly). Sometimes a crown of flowers will be placed on her head. Just to signify how beautiful she is; inside and out. Sometimes women bring items for a pampering basket for after the baby is born.

After the pampering is done, the attendants are asked to share their hopes and dreams for the child and mother. They can also be asked to write them down, as to keep a scrapbook if the mother so wished. For example, "My wish for your child is that they are happy and healthy. My wish for you is to have patience  and understand that the early years are so fleeting. Embrace your child with all the love you feel for them now, everyday."

When all of the blessings are over, get a ball of yarn and tie a couple loops around each woman's wrist. This signifies that all the women in the circle are connected and they are asked to wear that bracelet until the baby is born, so that each time they look down at their wrist they think of the special day, the mother, the child and all of the women who were in the room. (After the baby is born everyone can cut their bracelets off - but sometimes the new mom will wear it for 6 weeks post-partum or until it falls off to remind her of the support that is still there if she needs it.)

Lastly, the candles are blown out and all of the women move to the food table. Sharing stories of motherhood, life and support. Sometimes there is a sign-up list for each woman to bring a meal to the family when the child makes an appearance.

I hope that was informative for all of you, and I hope that maybe you will throw one of these, or go to one in the future. If you have any questions or comments please leave them below.

Arbonne Product Review and my First Giveaway!

When my friend Kim from Two Bugs and a Blog asked me if I wanted to try out some Arbonne products I jumped at the chance. Ever since becoming a mom I have had a really hard time getting out of the house and taking time for myself. This includes exercise and personal care. I want to get products that are mostly natural after watching The Story of Cosmetics by Annie Leonard, and just being more conscious about it. Now, I now that not all products are going to be able to be 100% natural and I just can not get on the "no poo" bandwagon... really, I can't. 

You know how some people have problems using natural cleaning supplies because clean doesnt actually smell like anything and they want their houses to smell like Pine Sol? Mine is shampoo... if it doesn't smell like flowers and lathers like no body's business then I am not into it. 

Anyway, I am getting off topic. So when my friend offered to drop some different samples to my house I was stoked. I am actively looking for something for my face. I am now going to be the mom of 4 and it is showing in my eyes, and under them. I was super surprised that she dropped off a whole basket of actual products. Bottles of products to use for the whole week! I was expecting little packets that wouldn't even last a day. I was able to actually try all the products out in the comfort of my own home. (apparently this is a thing that Arbonne does). 

So, I have decided to put together a post to show you my favourites and one lucky local reader will get a free bottle of ABC Hair and Body Wash. How fun is that? Plus it's my first giveaway... (going into the big leagues with blog giveaways!!) 

The first product that I really liked was the Pure Vibrance Mousse. I use mousse right now - but it's a drug store brand. Studio something or other. It works okay, but it still leaves my hair really heavy, which isn't so great with fine hair like I have. I was actually surprised how well this mousse worked and it was really fluffy and left my hair really soft. Also, it smells great - see, the smell thing. So I really liked it!! 

The Shea Butter Hand lotion was really used. I love Shea Butter and this reminded me of the Body Shop but in tube form. I used this everyday, twice a day and it is the one product that I think I may have to have a Arbonne party just so I can buy it. It wasn't sticky or greasy, but it kept my chronic dry hands really hydrated. It's small enough to fit in your purse too, that is where I would keep it! 

Lastly, I just had to try the sunscreen. I love that it is waterproof, that it is not greasy and that it smells good. I think these are all really good qualities of a good sunscreen. I use the Badger stuff on my kids and am okay with the price because they are smaller people and do not burn as easy as me. I, on the other hand, have to re-apply every 45 mins and make sure that it is a thick coat or I turn into a lobster. Not pretty. This kept me protected and I didn't burn at all. It's a must have for sure. 

I was pretty impressed with the products that I tried and these were just my top picks. There were many more in the basket that were wonderful and I will have to have a party to buy them. 

I do love a home party (as I have no time at all to go anywhere....plus I love shopping from home). 

I would at least give them a try, what do you really have to lose?! 

So now for the GIVEAWAY. 

Answer in comments - How do you fit in your beauty care routine when you have young children to take care of? 

I will choose a random person by throwing all your names in a hat and having my youngest pick the winner! Contest closes on JUNE 30 at 11:59pm. (MST)

Homeschooling, Kindergarten, and School Memories

I have been thinking a lot about what I am going to do next year. Next year all three of my children will be "school aged". 
Now, I know what you are thinking. I am a homeschooler. Why do I even care?
Well, the problem is that I care a whole lot and that is why I have no idea what I am going to do. See, in my province we get funding for our children's education when we homeschool, but this is only true for children between grades 1 - 12.
Kindergarten children do not get any funding. Yes, there are a couple boards that do offer funding for Kndergarten, but it is few and far between. (plus the driving to those boards would take me forever.
I really wish that the program my older son is in had funding for Kindy as it would be so much easier for me.

When we started down this homeschooling journey we looked at a lot of factors and you can go back and see how much I worried about it. If I was making the right choice, if he would be okay, if I could do it… all sorts of worries really. But as we have been on this path I am becoming more confident in my choices to homeschool my son. A lot of his doctors and his psychologist also commended me for tailoring this learning path for someone with ADHD.


But, my second son is nothing like my first. My husband wants to put him in full time kindergarten at the local school. Coupled with the fact that he can't sit to save his life and that 4 days is a long time at school for someone who hasn't been…the idea isn't really sitting so well.
My friends say just to homeschool Kindy, or to send him to the homeschool kindy school, or even skip kindergarten all together and just send him to the blended in grade 1…The problem is though is that I am torn. I want him to get as many good memories of Kindergarten as I did and sometimes I think everyday kindergarten would be the best option…that or the private school down the road.
My best memories of school were in Kindergarten. I know that they are old, and that Kindergarten is nothing like it used to be…but it was the first time that you were alone to make friends and be somewhat autonomous. I remember playing house and baking cookies, listening to Sharon, Lois and Bram - "peanut, peanut, butter, jelly."
I remember reading in this special nook (maybe not actually reading), sitting there with my friends, looking at all those pictures. I remember having a nap, which I know does not happen any more. I just remember this loving and caring teacher who let me learn as I wanted to, no pressure and being happy.
And I don't want him to miss it. This decision is going to be a doozy…I can already tell.

*************************************************************************************************************************

I'm participating in the Our Kids Private School Expo Blog Hop.  Yesterday's School Memories post  can be found at Raincoast Cottage.  Tomorrow, the fun is happening at Linkie's Contest Linkies
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Facebook:  www.facebook.com/ourkidsnet

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Halloween Treats to take to School

A lot of you may be thinking by now that I must have nothing better to do that spend time in my kitchen. I promise you that this is not the case, I have actually spent more time blogging about this week of food than I have making it!

I have been trying in this series of blog posts to show you that making themed food is so easy and a really great way to show the kids that the holidays can be a whole lot more fun than just going Trick-or-Treating and overdosing on high fructose corn syrup.

In this post I am going to show you some really simple ways to make Halloween "treats" for school and in tomorrows post I will be sharing some more lunch ideas - so make sure you come back!

Ghost Yogurt

Even I run out of ideas when it comes to Halloween and every day I thank goodness that there is such a thing as Pinterest. Before I was a pinner there was half the ideas out there and they were incredibly hard to find.

The yogurt ghost was something that my son actually thought of, he saw the grapes and threw them into his breakfast one morning (not even in October) and laughed and said how it looked like eyes.

So grab a whole bunch of yogurts, take the tops of or spoon them out on to the plates at preschool add a couple grapes and there you have it! Instant Halloween!

Pumpkin Tray


What is easier than throwing some carrots on a circular serving tray? Nothing, that's right!

This is the easiest themed food ever. Honestly. Look at it.

All I did was take some carrots throw them on a tray, and then take two ramekins and fill them with hummus and put them on top where the eyes would be. I added cherry tomatoes (a staple in a Halloween kitchen) and cut up a red bell pepper to look like a mouth. I have also seen people use olives or another type of dip instead of the peppers.

Whatever works for you!! I promise all the kids will eat it and it is healthy!! Win/Win!


Bat Hummus

Hummus is one of the best things that you can feed your kids.

Not only is it chock full of protein but it also has great fats in it, is low in sugar, and it tastes good too!

I use hummus in a variety of my Halloween meal planning as it is just so easy to add to dishes, sandwiches and the like.

This was one of those times that the kids were looking to get some quick protein and I was in the middle of making the Pumpkin Tray and so I grabbed a dollop of Hummus, added a couple of olive eyes, snap pea ears and rice crackers for bat wings. (it was a stretch I know) This year I went out and got some blue corn chips to make my hummus bat even more bat-like.

I hope that this post can help you to see that it really is that easy!

Please keep sharing your ideas with me on Twitter and Facebook. If you need any more Halloween inspiration please follow me on Pinterest as well.

The Blissdom Canada 2012 recap

Well, I am back from Blissdom Canada 2012. Did you miss me? I promise that I will get back to my regular blogs about Halloween on Thursday (and then some!)

I had a great time in Toronto, and better still my kids had a great time without me! My house is clean, I am renewed and refreshed and I got to spend the weekend with 500 other women (and a handful of men) that speak my language.

Love Marilyn!

Sitting in the Chair! My dream!!

I came in early for the conference as I won tickets to the Marilyn Denis show. This was a dream come true for me. I have been watching Marilyn for years with my mom and so to see her live and get to talk with her one on one was so great. She gave me a big hug and I got to sit in her chair…it's the little things you know….

Town Hall

Spent the rest of the day just walking around the city. It is SO big, and so so much faster paced than Calgary. I have to say that I actually got quite overwhelmed and had to retreat back to the hotel just to have a little quiet time. I love the city, but it also scared me at the same time.

Not even a 1/4 of the mall!!

That night I was waitlisted for the Road Rally (think Amazing Race), but in the end I got to go. (thanks Brooke!) We ran around Toronto being chauffeured by our wonderful driver Patrick and took many different pictures, videos and tweeted the whole time. It was so crazy and I am glad that all 3 of my team mates were from Toronto (lucky that way).

Next was the kick off party where we had Microsoft show us some neat things and I watched many women dance the night away with the Kinect dance challenge. (it was pretty funny)

It was at this party that I met Annie of PhD in Parenting. I felt like such a nerd and fan girl, but she was so nice and made me feel right at home. (thanks to Mara for introducing us - and thanks to Candace for showing me that she was there.)

Annie and I

Ann and I

Saturday was the first real day of the conference. It started with a welcome breakfast and we had a presentation by Dove. Next we had 3 micro-sessions to talk about things that we really wanted to learn.
The micro-sessions were by far my favourite part of the conference. I learned about analytics with Annie, How to Be an Expert with Candace, and How to Write a Book with Ann Douglas.

After lunch we had the opportunity to listen to the keynote speakers. While all of the talks were amazing in their own right, my favourite by far was Bonnie Stewart. Here is a post that she wrote that has some of the key ideas of that talk. It is something that we really have to take to heart as the internet is really just an extension of us in the real world and we must always be aware of that.

Jian and I

I was able to get my book signed by Jian Ghomeshi, the Sh*tty Moms, Andrea Nair, and by Amy McKay. (Bliss for a book lover like myself.)

So cute!!

Saturday evening my blogging girlfriends and I went to get our hair done and we dressed up as Mad Men Women for the karaoke costume party. We had planned this group costume for over two months and it was great to see it in action! It was too fun and I looked so cute! I could be a 1950's housewife every day! The party also gave me an opportunity to connect with other really neat people. I met Kyla from MommysWeird and I swear we were best friends in another life! I love this conference for stuff like that!

Hope I don't crash!!

The next day I went to the GM plant in Oshawa and learned all about the new technology that they are putting into their cars. It was pretty neat to see the "behind the scenes" and I really like how they listen to the consumer. I actually talked to them about integrated carseats and they discussed it with me. My favourite new feature that they showed us was that they have sensors that see the lines on the road and if you go over the line it vibrates your seat to alert you. How neat is that? I think it is for rumble strips (since there is talk about getting rid of them due to cyclist commutes).

Pretty Sweet!

I got to drive a Camaro (a new souped up edition) and do a slalom course, a doughnut course, and a fast breaking course. It was pretty neat and I joked with the drivers if they knew the Stig (since they all spoke french).




After the excursion was over we were whisked VIP style back to the airport to await our (delayed) flight to Calgary. The drive was great and I have to note that out of all the sponsors at Blissdom, GM were my favourite as the always had cars and drivers waiting for people, and if you were from out of town like me, that service was really invaluable.

My Ride

I learned a lot, not only about Social Media, Marketing, Books and Branding, but also about myself. I learned that I need to really look deep inside of myself and see what I want to do, apart from being a mother and a wife, and to take more time just for myself.

My kids survived, my house survived, my husband is capable.

Blissdom Canada 2013?? I think so.

A Penny in Hand...and Mouth

I almost lost my baby to a penny. One cent. A worthless, useless, peice of copper (and lead) that my older child(ren) had left on the floor. You know the saying, "Find a penny, pick it up and all day you will have good luck."

No. Not at all.

I saw the baby had something in his mouth. (as he always does), and was aruging with my older two to stay in bed, as they had gotten out for the millionth time. (which they also do when daddy is not home).

I slammed the door, told them to stay in bed, and put the baby on the floor to change his bum.

As I was changing him, I remembered about the item in his mouth which I thought was LEGO; since we have a TON of that laying around the house.

He looked at me and giggled as I lifted him up to remove the object, at that moment he laughed and choked. I panicked.

I could hear that it has gotten stuck, so I put him across my knees and did the back blows that I was taught by my husband when a child is choking. No use. He just kept coughing and crying. I thought at least it wasnt in his airway.

I called my husband and asked what to do, and then got a lecture from a very irate firefighter/paramedic that told me that he could not assess our son as he was over the phone. So I hung up and called our 24 hour health service.

At this time the baby had stopped crying, but my mommy gut was still going off. As I explained all the symptoms to the nurse, drooling, not nursing, not eating etc... she asked me to give him a sip of water, which I did and caused him to go into fits of coughing again.

She told me to drive to the closest hospital immideately. (I should have called the ambulance at this point).

I called my mom to come over and watch the other two children and got dressed, me and the baby (as we had been in pjs), and while I was putting him into his car seat my mom pulled in.

I got in the car and sped the whole way (yes, not safe) to the hospital.

As I was driving I could hear him struglling, and gurgling, so I started to panic. It took me 15 minutes to get there from my house... (it usually takes more like 25).

I pulled into short term parking, looked at the pay meter, decided to check on the baby first...I opened the van door and he was covered in drool and vomit. It was like he was foaming at the mouth. (a sign of airway obstruction).

He did not look good.

I decided to skip the payment for parking and RAN him into the ER. Right up to the front. Waited 2 minutes while they were doing paperwork, and then was called to the window.

As soon as I got there I started bawling.

I explained what had happened and they took him into the back. As soon as we got a bed the tirage nurse called a code and 2 doctors and 3 nurses came running in.

I lost it. I felt like the worst mother of the year. So mad at myself for not being more vigalent about toys on the floor.

They gave him an Xray and stabilzed him. (apparently if he was on his back or on an incline - like a car seat, it exacerbated the problem).

I was shocked when I saw it was a coin.

Wedged in the collarbone area, side ways. So he could breathe when upright but not able to drink, or eat.

I was told to grab my car seat out of the van and then we were transported to the Children's hospital in the area by Ambulance, lights and sirens.

Once we got there we got a room in the ER and waited until 4 am for a bed to open up. He was not allowed to eat or drink so I kept him in the sling (Thank Goodness I Brought the Sling!!) which made him think it was nap time.

We were told that we had a bed and so we went up and I was shown a bed....for him.

Which makes sense. But we are cosleepers, and there was NO way that he would ever sleep in a crib for the first time in a hospital!

So we slept in a chair.

The things we do for our kids. I slept sideways with my feet over the edge. They were so numb when I woke up an hour later that I thought about calling a nurse!

We waited for 12 hours in all for day surgery.

They took him from me and put him out and then used an endoscope and a pair of itty bitty forcepts to take the offending penny out. The whole procedure was less than an hour.

But the LONGEST hour of my life so far.

After he woke up he nursed and we had to wait an hour to get discharged.

We (my mom who had come to be with me for the surgery) drove back to the first hospital where my van was (no ticket!!) and then I jumped out and drove it home.

I am keeping the penny forever. I am going to make it into a peice of jewlery.

A friend of mine stayed with my older boys to help out, and we had many people ask how we were doing.

He was fine, no worse for wear. Happy as a clam at the hospital, with me, snuggled in my sling. I on the other hand was an emotional wreck and now hyper sensitive to anything on my floor.

I guess that is what happens when a penny almost takes your child away from you....it also readjusts your priorities, and the way that you look at things in life.

How something so small, so useless, so worthless could have *killed* my son. Taken him away from me forever.

ps. a penny is as corosive as a battery when in the human body. THROW your pennys AWAY!!

pps. ALL of the health care personelle were amazing. All of them. So understanding, supportive and caring. For such a horrible incident for me and my family they made it feel better. I will be forever grateful to the men and women who worked in both ER's, surgery and Patient Transfer forever.

Screw the Books

As some of you may know I have been in this parenting journey for 5 years. Funny enough 5 years seems like a lifetime. Working with parents I am exposed to a lot of mommy judgement, not directed at me in particular but listening to moms conversations when I am setting up or taking down a class, trade fair, event etc.

And every single year new moms put their feet so far up their butts it is not even funny. They talk and gossip about how so-and -so and her kid is so this or so that. How the kid will be messed up, and how they will NEVER do that....

I know, I know! I did it too!! This is the sad part. We are so disconnected with our community that we don't even know it!! Imagine if you became friends with moms before you were pregnant...if we had an opportunity to learn rather than judge?

When I had my first son I had to run into a local baby store to grab a soother clip or something and left him in the car with my husband...he was 3 0r 4 months old. In the store there were these two moms having a conversation, one was holding her baby and the other had her (7 to 9 month old) baby sitting/crawling on the floor.

I can't tell you how disgusted I was. I mean that baby was on the dirty store floor!!! Gross.....laughable isnt it?!

My children would NEVER go on a gross floor like that....oh yes they would! And later when I had my third he would eat cheerios of said gross floor if it meant I could make a purchase with both hands!

The Feminist Breeder wrote a post recently about this phenomena. It's so true, each generation of mothers sits upon her high horse if only for a moment to be kicked off by her kid...maybe not kid #1, or #2 but at some point she will.

Reading every parenting book and following every class and doing everything that the "experts" say will NOT make your kids any less fucked up than they are going to be. It will just make you feel more depressed that you are doing it all *wrong*.

YOU ARE NOT DOING IT WRONG.

A Really Good Day

I had an incredibly awesome day with my boys today. Does that mean that I usually don't? Well to be honest a 4 and a 2 year old can be trying at the best of times and that just gets worse when you get more pregnant. ;P But, one of my intentions is to spend more time with my family and so today I decided to take the boys to the zoo.

We had our regular class that we go to on Tuesdays, which was WONDERFUL to get back into our regular routine after the holidays, and then we went straight to the zoo.

We got there at 11:30am, and then decided we would get lunch. I was to meet up with some friends at 1:30pm, so I knew that I had plenty time to get the kids fed and watered.

We got lunch and then just walked around the zoo for a couple hours. Had some snacks and walked around some more.

It was not stressful in the least bit. This is a huge turning point for me as taking them anywhere would cause me to have a meltdown by the end of the trip.

I think a lot of it was because I had no expectations. No one to really meet, I mean my friends were going to be there, but it was a large group, so I wasnt expected to stay with them.

We were able just to do the zoo at our own pace, just for us.

I think I may do this more often.

Standing your Ground

As soon as you announce that you are expecting the advice starts. Everyone wants to tell you what to expect for your pregnancy, your birth and parenting in general. At first you may welcome the comments because you would like to learn as much as you can.

As the weeks go by, you start to form a construct of who you will be as a mother. You will take some advice while completely disregarding other advice that does not fit in with your birth plan or parenting style. Some people have no issue telling others that they disagree, but many new mothers feel that they must listen. They may believe that what they are hearing is true because they have no experience of their own to reference. I am here to tell you that you are the best parenting expert there is regarding your child.

At some point you will encounter people whose positions on birth and parenting you do not agree with. It can happen in a prenatal or playgroup class, or with close family and friends. While you have no obligation to listen to what the people in these classes say, it can be more difficult when the contrary advice comes from your inner circle. It may feel more personal and that makes it more difficult to brush the comments aside.

When facing disagreements, it is always good to be as informed as possible. Information is the first tool we can use to diffuse a disagreement. It makes it easier to explain why you are following the path less traveled. Know your position and the facts around it and you will feel more confident with your choice.

For our parents, it was normal to give a baby a bottle filled with pabulum at bedtime, and put them on their tummies to sleep. It was the best information parents had at the time. We would not do that with our children now. The pediatric advice has changed in 30 years because we know more. So although Grandma may think that they old way is the proven way, we can show her and others that recommendations are not the same now and we can tell them why.

Moms do not need to be defensive or disagreeable. By showing the information in black and white you can get others on board. There are lots of resources in the community for new moms including naturopaths, midwives, and doctors who can all help when talking about food or sleep related issues. There are also parenting books on every topic available at the library. If you are close enough, you can suggest a book to the other person so you can discuss the issue once they have read about it.

The most important thing for a new mom is to find support. Seek out likeminded people who believe in the same ideas that you do. Just having a support network of other moms will do wonders for your own personal convictions. You can find a variety of parenting groups through the Birth Unlimited resource guide or on the Internet. Get out of the house and meet people. You may think that you are the only one who believes in your choices, like vaginal water birth at home with midwives, but that is not the case. There are many, many moms and dads that believe the same things you do. You just have to find them.

Finding your support network will be the first step in to being more confident in your choices. Educating yourself will be the second. If you are confident in the choices that you are making, then people will be less likely to challenge you on them. Have a united front with your partner and keep your cool. Recognize that not all things are or have to be open for discussion. You can tell your friends and family to respect your decisions and that you will not discuss it anymore. Be strong and use your support network to build your confidence.

Remember, your birth and parenting choices primarily affect your immediate family unit. It is not your mother or your mother in law who will be woken up in the middle of the night. It is you. So make decisions that work for your family. Doing what is in your heart as best for your family is all you can do.

You are human and your positions may change as you encounter life changes. The key is to believe in what you are doing and be informed. Never feel guilty for doing your best. Do not stress over every comment sent your way. Your children will love you because you love them. And really isn’t that all that matters in the end?

**originally published in Birthing Magazine Summer 2009

A MNO to Remember.

* MNO = Mom's Night Out.

So I went out last night. My cousin and I decided that it was high time that we get out of the house and spend some quality time without our kids. We thought maybe dinner and a movie, which then turned to just dinner, then just desserts, and then "I am too lazy to drive downtown for dessert, how about we go to Superstore?"
Yes, you read that right, I said "Superstore!"
Maybe you are asking yourself why two twenty somethings with kids would want to go to Superstore for a Mom's Night Out or maybe you are thinking, "Man these women have no lives! That is pathetic!" But let me tell you, kind reader, there is nothing like being able to saunter through a store with no distractions and just a fellow woman to chat with. And if she is a mom looking for bargains it's even better.
So we spent an hour and a half looking at movies, rugs, books and cooking utensils just chatting about life. It was WONDERFUL.
No whining, no pulling of shirts, no stinky diapers, no husbands looking at watches telling us to hurry up, just me and my cousin - Shopping. :)
We then went to BP's for dinner/dessert and continued an uninterrupted conversation for another hour. Glorious. (and for the record it wasn't all about our kids!)
We even commented how nice silence was.
"Listen you can actually hear the fridge humming."
I need nights like that more often!

Expectaions and Shae

One of my best girlfriends is visiting form Nelson with her daughter Shae. We all went to the zoo. Just before we got there Shae got sick in the car. Oh what fun I get to look forward to. I felt sorry for her as she was so upset about it. No big deal to me...except my car stinks. Isn't that wahat Fabreez is for? (Any natural cleaners that do the same thing?)
She had never been to a zoo so it was great fun for her. We then came home to put Keenan down for his nap, and we went to the park. I pushed her on the swing (underduck) and she went flying off!! I felt soooo unbelievably bad. I am definately NOT a good pusher. (I forgot how little she is ...now I am swing shy.) They are here for a couple more days so hopefully I get to see them some more.
And how is Keenan?
For the last TWO nights Keenan has NOT nursed to sleep!!!!! (His
choice entirely). I lie there patiently waiting for him to latch on,
and he doesn't. Is this the milestone that he was working on?
As for bedtime (reading "no cry") , Ms. Pantly says
make sure that you are trying to fix a problem. After reading the
book, he really has no problems, it is my expectaions that are the
problem.
So now, I wait until he is really tired (happens to be 9:30pm and I
turn off the lights, he plays or talks, sings whatever and then he
passes out...in 30-45mins.

Breastfeeding Challenge Results!

http://www.babyfrie ndly.ca/challeng e/2006/site_ result.php

We came in first place! Well, first place in Alberta. We had so many moms and kids and dads and support people show up. Also, CTV and Global came and took video. I didn't make it on TV. Poopy. I even washed my hair, you know, just in case.
My good friend Lindsay did, as she was the "spokesperson." So proud of her!
Keenan and I participated in a wrap fashion show and had a blast. The *funniest* part about the entire event was that Keenan was nursing constantly in the morning before the challenge, because he had missed his morning nurse, but when it came time to "latch on" he just wasn't interested. So funny. He will nurse all day every day, but not when you want him to.
Too funny. My boy he certainly is developing his own ideas about things.