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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Sensitivity and Boys

My older son is a sensitive soul. He has empathy coming out of his ears for everyone...well maybe everyone but his little brother....
As he gets older I worry how he will cope with the other children disappointing him. I mean we all know that this society is not kind to boys, and I accept that, and I don't want to shelter my boy...but...when he looks up at me with tears in his eyes because a child told him that he has to be the "bad guy" it breaks my heart. (in reference to playing a game of superheros)
And the child is not being malicious, and they don't understand that K is vehemently against "bad guys", and they don't understand that even if he doesn't agree he will go along with it, because he would rather have a playmate than to play alone....
When other children don't want to hug, or kiss, or hold hands...he is upset, and defeated, like he has personally been rejected.
When a child says, "No. I don't want to Play." or "I don't like you." These words pierce his very soul, and as his mother I watch and wait for him to let it slide, but I know it doesn' even if I don't want to say anything, I end up making an excuse..."That Child is tired, or hungry, or just plain mean." And I lie to him.
Does this do him a service? I so badly want to scream at the other child, "Look at him! He just wants to play with you, you selfish child." But I know that they are just children, and maybe they just think he is weird for being sensitive.

Sunday, February 22, 2009


I am feeling so stuck lately.
I want to move but can't.
I want to go to school full time but can't.
I would like to sleep 8hrs but can't.
And all things stem from my kids.
I had horrible cabin fever today b/c Chris was at a course and so I had the kids all weekend by myself, and just came off a week of having the kids all day by myself. I wanted to go outside! When a friend invited us out I was so excited, K not so much.
He dragged his feet and cried and whined about leaving our house and I just got so frustrated that instead of screaming and yelling and forcing him out the door, I just gave up.
I seriously could not stand it anymore. I took off all of their outside clothes, gave them a snack, took them upstairs and turned the TV on.
And we had been doing so well, 4 days sans TV.....

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Worst (RANT)

This is a Rant. A rant in essence is MY thoughts and not meant for people to get offended. If you disagree we have a difference of opinon. That doesnt mean that you offend me with your opinion. I am stressed, and sad, and mad, and frustated and needed to get this off my chest...or I will never get to sleep.

This is the worst week of my life. EVER.
My grandmother who I spent so much time with as a child is in the hospital because she had a heart attack. This comes only 3 days after my Grandfather (her husband) was released himself after have a new stint put in his heart. Obviously I am going to have heart problems when I get older.
So all this is going on, and I find my dream home. A Bungalow, in the community I love, ECO built. We are talking Geo Thermal and Geo Solar here. In my city! The builder even wants to sell it to us at cost. $365K. Sadly, we dont have that kind of money.
I work 4 jobs and don't pull in near that amount, my husband works 2. Not even close.
It comes down to me going back to a office job that doesnt use any of my talents to wake up at 6am to get my kids to daycare for $1100/ea / month or a live in nanny for $1400/ leave and get to work for 8am, lunch w/o my kids, get in the car at 4pm to get home by 5:30, make dinner for 6pm, kids in bath and bed by 7pm. So for an extra, um lets be realistic, because I dont actually have my degree and the MOST I have EVER made in my ENTIRE working career was $12.67/hr....
So lets see...$12.67/8hrs/5days.week/4 weeks a month is.....$2027.00 - lets say $200/month? So $1827. Now minus the Nanny. So $427.00/ month. Not to mention that I would lose my stay at home minus $150/month (for K preschool), that leaves us with $277/month. And I would lose some of my child tax benefit, because we would go up a bracket, so like $50? So $227/month....oh and Gas...because I would now be driving every day, two times a minus $100 now leaves me with about $127.00/month TAKE HOME.
WOW! That was worth it.
Now lets say I dont get a nanny, and I get daycare instead. $2027.00 - 1100x2 = so -$173.00. (thats even better, I can't even afford to send my kids to daycare.) NICE.

So say it. I want you to. "You should have waited until you were older and had your careers established, yada yada yada..." so my dear husband paramedic would STILL be making the SAME amount of money, and I would have my B.A in Psych and I dunno work where, oh the CHR and make $15/hr. Wow that was worth it. Now I am 10 years OLDER and no further ahead.

I would have much rather NOT have any kids EVER and then go and travel the world all the time. Seriously. I would NOT have had my children if I did not get to raise them.
And please if you spout off any of that Quantity VS. Quality B.S I will seriously hunt you down and slap you in the face.

I GET that moms have to work. I SEE it in the numbers. *I* just would not have had my kids if I had to give them to someone else. I just wouldn't. That is me, my belief. I dont have anything against people who work, nothing against moms that put thier kids in daycare. Heck my Bestfriends kid is in daycare and she makes it work, and I dont think her child is any worse for it.
But, *I* couldnt do it. That is why I work 4 jobs for minimal money, all sorts of hours, at home, so I can see my babies grow.

I hate that I am going to be stuck like this for a very long time. No upward mobility because of capitalism. :(

Friday, February 13, 2009


I first want to start off by saying that I have had people tell me that I should really read Alfie Kohn and I have hummed and hawed about it time and time again, so when my friend told me to check out his lecture that was coming up, I thought sure, why not. (Save me from reading the book.)
I was blown away. Never has something resonated with me like his words. It was a religious experience for me. I agreed with EVERY SINGLE WORD that came out of his mouth. And the weird part, so did my husband.
It was amazing.
When I went into university for the first time it was to become a teacher, I made it into my 3 year and met the other people who would be my peers, colleagues and I hated them. (Not all, but a vast majority.) I wanted CHANGE in the system, and they were only in Ed, because the GPA was a 2.5 and they couldn’t get into anything else. They didn’t like kids, they didn’t really care about education, they just needed a job, or a degree and Ed seemed like the way to go.
Needless to say, I was devastated.
I partied way too hard to drown my sorrows of a front to my idealism and dropped out.
Of course I found my way back, but never wanted to go into Ed, as I felt it was too far gone. I started researching different schooling opportunities for my child and homeschoolling came up again and again, although I never thought that *I* would be the only one able to teach my child.
I just feel like as a mom *I* will get lazy and MISS those pivotal teaching moments that arrive once in a blue moon...and you know what Alfie agreed with me.
I was shocked.
I thought he was all for homeschooling/unschooling, why it was my unschooling/homeschooling friends that told me to go and see him...and here he was saying that peer based learning in a integrative model is the best way to ensure a WHOLE child.
I was surprised, I was intrigued, but above all else I was inspired.
I *WISH* I had seen Alfie talk while I was in University...I can tell you one thing; I definitely would have finished my degree, got my masters, and started a Progressive School.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Our House is a very very very Fine House

I have a love/hate relationship with our house.
I Love....
That I have a house.
That it is in a wicked suburb.
That I have friends around.
That it is in a good school district.
That it is near my family.
That it is new.
That I got to design it.

I Hate......
That the layout sucks.
That I have no backyard.
That I am in the suburbs.
That my friends are too busy to visit.
That it is near my family.
That it is new.
That it is not Eco Friendly.
That there are NO TREES!

Right now there are lots of foreclosures on the market that makes one think that perhaps we should buy, but then what. A big move, loads of money spent etc....

I am always on the fence.

I want to live in a small town where I can walk to the grocery store....Okotoks anyone?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Hit by a Mack Truck....

I feel so achy today. Like all over bruised. Not to mention a headache. So what is up? Well, Ryan has turned into a horrible sleeper, but I know that it will pass because he probably has a crappy sleep because he is constantly teething. Or that I come to bed so late. I want to go to bed at a reasonable hour, but I feel like I never get any down time, or alone if R or K are up to goodness knows when, I will stay up two hours after.
So maybe I feel so sick because I was up til 2, R woke up at 4am and K had preschool this morning...which always makes me feel so tired.
(I was so tired that I actually found myself asleep on the floor next to K during R's nap) brutal. Maybe that is why I feel like someone hit me with a baseball bat. Of course I shouldn't joke about stuff like that today, after what happened to Rihanna.
What is wrong with some men?! Seriously. But that is a whole other rant.

Friday, February 06, 2009


So I have been grappling with this for a while.
I HATE the public school system. I have for a great while. I don't believe that all kids fit in the same square hole. I would love if we took the time to figure out what learning style our kids had and then give them the tools to learn in the best way...sadly that is not the way it goes and boys seem to suffer more than girls.
So, Keenan is in Preschool and I really don't feel like he is getting much out of it. (I should really go chat with his teachers...) so I have been thinking homeschooling...but I know TWO people who are not complete freaks...or should I say they seem normal.
I have joined these other two groups for homeschooling and the parents on there are so fricken "know it all" isn't homeschooling about learning with your kids...and giving them freedom? Not restrictions? Not to mention I have a massive personality clash with a huge homeschooling proponent. The fact that my child(ren) would have to learn alongside some of these people makes me crazy, but then again, homeschooling, unschooling or traditional schooling all have thier quirks and quacks!
(So what on earth do I do now?)

Monday, February 02, 2009

Tips for having a Newborn and a 3 year old....

I think there is absolutely an adjustment period between one and two,
and some people just cope better than's all about how you
handle stress.
I found that the newborn stage for Ryan was a breeze. I just put him
in the wrap all the time. He just slept in the wrap from day one, so
really it was just like I was still pregnant.
At 6 months however, was when it got really tough for me. Ryan and
Keenan demanded an equal amount of my time and there is only so much
of you that can go around...not to mention that once both kids were
occupied/sleeping Chris would want some one on one. It got really
draining, really fast. So I started taking time for myself. I do yoga
while the kids play beside me, I put Keenan in preschool so I have 4
hours a week with just Ryan. Quiet time when Ryan naps is a must.
(still working in this one). I joined a Babysitting Coop and can use
that when I really need to get out.
I have also pared back my extracurricular/work. I do not work all day
everyday as I was before, I do not work on Tuesdays and Thursdays when
Keenan is home, and we try to get out of the house as a family on
Fridays. Chris and I have also agreed to one night a week where we do
something separate, if that means a movie or a meeting for me, and
jamming for him, that is how it works...we try not to take more than
one day away alone, or we start to resent eachother.
TV is my savior for when Ryan is being put down. Keenan can watch the
Wiggles and I can nurse Ryan down with no interruptions.
You have to do what you can to make YOUR life easier for YOU.
Lastly, I have a couple books on activities to do with kids and try to
pick one a day to do with Keenan. For example, we had a "Backwards
Day" so we started with a bath and then got dressed (clothes on
backwards) and had leftover dinner for breakfast, a BIG lunch, and
pancakes for love it when you get involved so play with
them. :)
If you feel like you can't cope take deep breaths and walk away...and
call a friend who understands...many women on my parenting board have had me
call them when I am in crisis...and it means SO much!!!
Good Luck!
mama to keenan and ryan
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