Dr.Jack aka The Man

Thank god for Dr.Jack Newman. I emailed him after I had my meltdown yesterday. He replied as only Dr.Jack can and assured me that I could nurse and that the radiation treatment was not even an option if you had a little one.

So, radiation is off the list for the time being.

He also recommended some different medications and told me to ask my doctor about them. I was so relived to hear that women can successfully nurse with Graves. Not that I actually doubted it because I have been having symptoms for quite a while. Like read: years.

I was also concerned about passing it on to the new baby as a couple of people had told me that this might be the case. He assured me that it could not cross in milk but may cross through the placenta and to let my midwives know in case the baby needed treatment in the first 3 months.

If I have any extra money laying around this year I am going to donate it to his clinic, as he alone is one of the best resources for breastfeeding in the whole of Canada.

(I would urge you to do the same. :) )

Pity Post - pay no mind...

I am awake at 1:16am due to hunger and pregnancy induced insomnia...

Today was a interesting day, mood wise.

We went and saw a show home that we can now afford because of my husbands new job. It was lovely. I fell in love with it immediately. You know when you have your list in your head of every little thing that you may want one day...this was my forever house. I could live there NO problem for years. The only thing is that my husband would have to stay a rig worker for 10 years to pay off the mortgage.

Also, I am starting to get nervous about the 8 day away thing. Supper and bedtime are the hardest parts of the day for me and I will really miss my hubby, but I have to keep looking at the bigger picture. I know we can do this...and if I lived in that house it would be even more do-able...lol.

All this is exacerbated by this damn Graves bullshit. It's really hitting home for me today, and probably the actual reason why I am awake. I mean no one is actually "normal" but to actually know that you have a disease that affects your quality of life is really daunting. And the treatments scare the shit out of me. (this is my blog I can swear if I want). I mean, cutting your neck!! Your NECK. Good lord. I can't even take pre-natals because they make me gag, but I am supposed to go on meds for my whole life? Every day? And radiation...radiation?! I can't even go into that one, as I will just get more upset.

I haven't been googling Graves a lot because I don't want to hear horror stories, or get myself too worked up with mis-information...but I did join a support group on Facebook, and while the stories are uplifting and people are getting treatment, I keep noticing that they all have my symptoms. Some of these symptoms are ones that I didn't even know WERE symptoms....like my eye twitch, and watering. I thought that it was just stress from my husband. I got it after having Ryan...now apparently it is one of the first signs.

I keep hoping, and praying that this is just some mistake. I mean they haven't *actually* diagnosed me yet. I haven't had the antibody test to make sure that it is, as it is super hard to figure that out in pregnancy...so they will have to wait until I give birth and the hormones all fix themselves.. THEN we can go get tested.

I just really hope it isn't. (and that it isnt cancer either.)

This really really sucks.

Still Processing

We have had many big things happen this week and I am still processing them but am feeling that we may be getting back to normal. My husband gave his 2 weeks from a job that he has worked at for 6 years to work up north for an 8 on shift...which will be a big change..

I will post more about it once we get closer as stuff is still being worked out.

I am having tones of Braxton Hicks which is normal for me to start getting at this stage of the game (28weeks). Just more tiring than anything.

And as for a follow-up from my last post...I am feeling so grateful for all the wonderful support and advice that people are giving me. I really feel like I have a strong network of friends and family to draw on in the next couple years while I figure all this stuff out.

I am def. leaning towards another baby tho...just to delay deciding anything at this moment at time. :)

My oldest will be starting soccer in March...I will then be a soccer mom...so why not add another boy to the mix....

(I dont think my husband reads this....)

Life

This is a harder post than I thought it would be. I have been trying to write it since yesterday, but the words are not as available as I would have hoped, which means that I am still processing.

I was diagnosed with an auto immune disorder yesterday. Graves disease. The reason why I have been a toothpick for over 6 years.

See, I started at about 120 lbs before having my kids, and my last weight was just over 90 lbs, on a 5'6" frame...needless to say I look pretty emaciated.

But, still able to get pregnant, and gain weight while pregnant; so kinda confusing.

When I was pregnant with my last child the midwives noticed that my thyroid levels were low, and we got them retested but they normalized so we stopped investigating. This time they were even lower, almost non-existent. So they kept testing and a specialist finally decided that Graves is what I have had since my early 20's.

I have very conflicting feelings about getting the diagnosis. On the one hand I feel relieved that it isnt cancer, or something worse. I am also surprised to find out that all of the weird things that I thought were just quirks of myself, are actually symptoms...like tingly fingers, and insomnia.

I am also freaking out about the treatments that are available.

Basically there are 3.

1) Radiation - my least favourite but most effective treatment. While I don't get the willies from radiation itself, I am nervous to either a) have to wean my child prematurely, and b) not be around them for at least 4 days after treatment. I have not ever been away from my kids for 48hrs, let alone 4 days....and my oldest is almost 5.

2) Surgery - again, the need for weaning, and not being there for my children. Not to mention a huge scar across my neck...partial decapitation is not something one would look forward to.

3) Medication - 30% effective...not really good odds. Again the weaning, the doctor did say that I could nurse while on medication...but at the same time, what would this medication do to my new little buddy.

So, the neat thing is that pregnancy actually inhibits this disorder, but I can't be pregnant forever. Although this may cause me to try for #4 in a year or two....if only to delay these choices. The worse part is that I am an attachment parent that *wants* to nurse for as long as mutually agreeable, and *wants* to wear my baby close, and not leave my kids for long periods of time.

C-Sections vs. The Zodiac

I am the Vice President of a Birthing Advocacy group and so I have some strong opinions on the way that women are treated in the birthing room.

I have many issues with the way that women are induced, and how interventionist our society has become when it comes to a birth. Women are not machines, and birth is not a formula, it's different for everyone....

Anyway, this post is not to go on and on about my beliefs that are backed by science, this post is to talk about why (in my nut bar way) I am opposed to elective c-sections.

The bottom line for me is that we humans don't get to choose everything about our babies...we don't get to choose the gender, we don't get to choose the colour of hair, skin, or eyes, we don't get to choose the weight, the child's personality, intelligence and the like....so why do we get to choose a birthday?

I am one of those freaks that believes in the zodiac. I am a Gemini through and through. So it bothers me when doctors want to induce a woman, or schedule a c-section before the baby is ready...now don't start flaming me about the necessity of c-sections. I absolutely believe that there is a time and a place for them, and my dislike for the choice of date really doesnt matter if they are before or after the mid-month (when the sign changes). However, if your doctor says, I have an opening on the 20th or the 23rd...do they or you really have a choice to what sign your child is born under? Do you even think about that? I don't think many people do.

Maybe I am a complete freak for even thinking about it, but I do....I would hope that when at all possible that a woman be allowed to START her labour and then if a C-section is needed we already know what sign the child was to be born under. I mean, does it really matter if she has a couple contractions? (if anything those contractions will help with milk production later).

A Rut.

You know when you can see the end goal and know how to get there, but just can't seem to make it in a timely manner? That is how I feel at this moment...I am stuck in this rut.

Now, I warn you that I am going to bitch about finances for a moment, which is probably faux-pas but that is all I think about at the moment...or at least it is at the forefront of my mind.

I used to go to school, and I couldnt afford this school, so I got my mommy to co-sign a loan for me so I could go. I, in the meantime (last year of school) got preggo (totally planned) and stopped going to school full time. So, said loan, came into repayment.

Not a bad thing entirely. We also got the Child Tax Benefit and that was automatically placed into the account paying the loan.

Fast forward to last year, and for some reason the govt started sending cheques rather than putting it into said acct. So the loan goes into arrears, by quite a bit, before we are any the wiser that this has happened.

Now, to today. We are still in arrears about $200. Not a lot of money I know, but to just throw $200 at a loan when you are living off of one income and trying to pay for food is just not happening. Of course the bank doesnt care that we pay them $400 a month to try get caught up to this stupid loan.

I wish that everything wasnt so black and white and that they would just back off a little because we do pay every single month. The min. payment is $140 and we pay $400...and yes, it is still in arrears, but come on...we pay in good faith.

My dream will be realized when I can move this loan out of the institution it is in and put it somewhere else, close all my accounts and never ever use them again.

The Same, not Different

I have been listening to some of my friends and aquantinces about how difficult it is to raise boys, and all of the challenges that they face with their sons.

At first people suggest that it could be a variety of things, as kids are usually affected by many different environmental factors.

Food. The types, organic or non, dairy, food colouring, gluten, frequency of eating, or not eating for that matter.

Potty. Whether they go potty really affects the mood of kids. I know that mine get aggressive when they need to pee.

Energy. Too much sleep, not enough sleep, exercise, how much running do they need? The more energy they burn off the better it is for everyone involved. (hard in the winter)

There can also be many more things that we just don't know that affect boys and girls equally, development, environment, brain...etc.

I started thinking that perhaps that it may be because some of these moms have girls as well...

Let me explain. It's no secret that I believe that girls and boys are hardwired differently...so perhaps the mom expects her son to act a certain way and that he is such a handful because her daughter isn't?

I think this could be a real answer for some of these moms...I see them with both of their children, or all three, and see that the girls are talked to in a different manner. For example, "Hunny, can you please get your boots on" vs. "(Child's name) put your boots on."

It could be that the boy is harder to deal with and that he needs that direct-ness, but I dont think so.

I think that I have the benefit of seeing that both of my boys are equally challenging in their own ways and am better to just go with the flow than try to understand what is causing it. Just by listening to them and giving the opportunity to get angry and frustrated without me coming down on them allows them more time to process and then we get on with our day!

A Post on Haiti.

I couldn't continue to watch the coverage about Haiti on the news and the telethon without commenting for a moment.

There are a couple things that I want to mull over...I do want to preface by saying that a good friend of mine's husband is from Haiti and I hope and wish for all of his family to be safe and healthy.

I wanted to talk about the orphans, children and the newborns. This was a country that already had it's share of children that needed adoption, and the disaster just added to that toll. It makes me frustrated that the media thinks that if Canadians adopt these children then their nightmare will end. That is complete ludicrous. These poor children will have post traumatic stress syndrome...and most of them are old enough that this disaster will haunt them forever. Some children saw their parents die in front of them, siblings, friends, loved ones...how is going on an airplane across the world going to help? I mean really, I am not saying that if we adopt these kids that it wont have an impact, far from it...I am just trying to say that they will need major attachment parenting, and psychological help. Imagine being 5 and losing your mom, and then just being flown to another country where you dont speak the language and some stranger trying to "save" you and assimilate you into the culture...it just worries me...for the kids.

I think that the parents that were in the process of adopting will have a better handle on things because they understand why they were adopting in the first place. We all want to help, and I am trying to be as politically correct when I post this, but not ALL people are meant to be adoptive parents, and I question some of the motives of the people wanting to.

My husband and I have always talked about adopting or fostering to adopt, but we want to do it to give another child a step up in life that they may not have had the opportunity to, I wouldnt want to adopt just to be one of the ones that "saved" the children....

The next thing I wanted to rant about was the backlash that aid organizations have been getting when sending formula to newborns in Haiti. Yes, there is not very much clean drinking water. Yes, we need to educate women on breastfeeding and encourage it....but at the same time, sending donated milk seems like a big production. Every child deserves breastmilk, (hopefully their own mothers). Let's just say that the mother passed away, or she is too injured to nurse...perhaps we can take off our Lactivist hats for just a minute and realize that while corrupt (now) formula was created for a reason, and that we should accept the donation from any company (even Nestle) if they are willing to give it. Formula could mean life and death for some of these infants, and to get caught up in semantics at this time of crisis I feel is in poor taste.

I am as much of a breastfeeding promoter as the next person, but I do see the inherent need of formula. Especially in places where it is low income and lack of resources. The cost alone to send pumped milk itself would be outrageous....storage, transit, pasteurization, re-fridgeration...Perhaps this money or milk could be put to better uses. (at this moment).

I just feel that the west is trying to make this better by throwing money at it, by holding up a badge that says "I donated to Haiti" like it is some fad or something, using this horrific crisis as a soap box for some other agenda. We need to help them get on their feet, help with aid, find some of the children's parents, and help them re-build.