Presentation: Supporting Mothers.

When the demands of motherhood get so great that we sometimes forget who we are ourselves we need to reach out and be available to other mothers looking for the same thing. There are many different ways to support other mothers, and sometimes when life gets so hectic and busy that we forget that we were once where the new mom is.

Can you remember it? That first time you felt like a mom? You may tell yourself that it was the first time you felt the baby kick, or the first time you heard your baby cry, or maybe you think it was just after your baby was placed on your chest. These are all legitimate moments to think of ones self as a mother. I can remember when I first felt like a mom, it wasn’t when I felt that first kick, heard the first cry, or even pushed that child out so fast that he caused my midwives to jump to! It was 3 days later.

My milk had not come in. I was wearing clothes that did not fit, too tight on the tops, too loose on the bottoms. I was on partial bedrest because of a tear. So I hadn’t showered, or really been able to do anything for myself. It was 4 in the morning and this little baby was crying. Now, some back story for you all to chuckle at. My son was planned to the day, let me tell you. It was the night of my 23^rd birthday, and I was just finishing my 3^rd year of university. I was a psychology major. I had been married for a year, and honestly felt like I had accomplished nothing. So I said to my husband that I wanted to do something I could be proud of, something that I was “good” at. I was “good” at children. I was a nanny, a sister to 3 younger siblings…so we decided to get pregnant. And we did. The next month. Of course I was so sure that I could “do” this baby thing that I still enrolled in my fourth year, fought through the morning sickness. (or all day sickness) and tried in vain to finish that year out and convocate, in April and have the baby in May. We had it all planned out nicely.

What do children teach us? That you have to be flexible. So needless to say, none of that happened. But, that is another story entirely.

So, back to the bathroom. I could “do” this. I was “good” at children. So why on earth was this baby crying and why on earth did I have no idea how to make him stop?!

And then it hit me. It hit me hard. So hard that I had to hold on to that little baby for dear life so that I wouldn’t drop him on the cold bathroom floor.

I became his mother.

I realized that this little baby, this little defenseless, fragile, teeny 7 lbs boy was completely reliant on me for his sole survival. That although he had a dad that was in the other room, and a grandma, and a granny, and countless others. I was his mother. I was the one where the buck stopped. I could at that moment, decide to step up and become his mother and tell myself that perhaps I didn’t actually “know” children as much as I thought I did, or I could go back to bed, give him to his daddy and give up. I decided to embrace this new role, with tears streaming down my face.

For I realized what this meant. I was responsible for him. I would sacrifice everything for him. I would be there through good and bad, through happy times, sad times, and even the best of the mad times. I would do my best for him and give my all to him. As I wept, and sobbed, I welcomed my new life and mourned the passing of my single womanhood.

My husband went back to work. My mother visited, but infrequently. The massive amounts of people who had once graced my door offering gifts and hugs and questions of “can I hold the baby” all died down to the sound of TLC on the television. I found myself increasingly alone. Even more so since my friends had all returned to university, or the ones who had graduated were no where near having children.

I felt lost. Bored when he slept, and haggard while he was awake. I started visiting online parenting groups and connected with one that had weekly playgroups on Thursdays in the basement of a church. I was to nervous to take the baby out by myself but reading other mothers comments and answers to questions made me feel better about my day.

This little contact that I had with other mothers was a turning point for me. I started looking for it. Waking the streets when I thought others would be out. Listening for the swings to start at a playground by my house and rushing out to see if I could catch that mom, or at least say hi.

I have to say that this was the lowest part for me. And I know of some women that got much lower than I. And all I can say, is thank goodness for outreach programs.

Things started to turn around when I started to attend a monthly breastfeeding support group. I started seeing moms on a monthy basis and we would meet for playdates as well. The online group that I was a part of started having playgroups in my community as well. I started getting out and meeting people. Talking about my problems, my frustrations, listening to other mothers talk about theirs, and building that sense of community.

As I started to get to know some of the mothers better I would call them, or email them just to chat. We would go out for breakfast as our children got older and were more likely to allow us that luxury. We would go for walks, go to the mall, library, zoo, science center, you name it.

But it wasn’t the outings themselves, it was that one on one. That mother to mother support. That acknowledgement that I wasn’t alone. That my child wasn’t the only one who liked to throw spaghetti in a ceiling fan, or run around all day in his underwear. That no one really knows what they are doing but we all pretend that we do. That we are all just trying to do the best for our kids in any way that we can.

That mother to mother support. Nothing is more important as a new mom than to find likeminded mothers that believe in some or most of the things that you do. That understand what you are talking about that can just lend a shoulder to cry on, and ear to listen to, or an encouraging, “you are doing great!”

In my line of business, and within the organizations that I volunteer for, I often get the question, “but where do I find these moms.” For some women it’s easy. They are extraverted they have friends that are going through pregnancy with them, they like to organize things and people generally find them. For others, like myself, it can be a tough climb.

I tell these moms that they need to be open to everyone, and that can be tough as a new mom as you are always trying to “fit” in to some group. It’s easy to judge eachother as the mommy wars rage supreme. Bottle vs. Breastfeeding, Crib vs. Co-Sleeping, Vaccines, Soothers, Parenting Styles, and these are just a few of the many, many, many things that mothers can judge eachother on. Discipline. That is a big one.

Regardless of judgment, I tell mothers that they must put themselves out there, and look for moms to talk to. Events like this one, where there is a common ground. Just to work up the courage to say hi. I tell moms that other mothers want them to say hi. That they are too shy themselves, or that they feel like their life may not be as interesting as it once was when business trips are replaced by diaper changes.

And we, the experienced mothers, we must remember what it was like to be that new mother. To take ourselves back to the time when we first realized that we were a mom, and remember what it felt like before we made our connections, our community. It is easy enough to forget as the children get older, or as we add more to our fray.

We have to make a conscious effort to embrace these new mothers. To listen attentively to their concerns, their questions and their suggestions. Although we ourselves may feel over worked, over whelmed and have issues that are well past the baby stage, we have to remember that these women are actively looking to find their place in the mommy world. That they have just recently gone through that life changing moment in the bathroom, and realized that they are that baby’s sole lifeline.

So, say hello. Congratulate that mother for nursing, or wearing her baby, or just getting out the house. Offer her suggestions for resources in the community. I always carry cards on my person with the contacts for some playgroups in the city and for city run resource centers.

She may not take your help, your suggestions or your friendship…but if she does, you will walk away knowing that you have made that woman’s life infinitely better just by being you.

And one day, she may end up, standing in a room, delivering a speech about how mother to mother support is the most important thing that she could have ever received. All while thinking about you, and the kind words that you imparted to her, when she was a new mom struggling in the fray.

I want to take this time for some of you to share your story of when you first realized that you were a mother. (or a father) and how you gain support.

Just Run Right Down.

This month is the pits for me. I have an incredible amount of work to do and it all comes to a head on the 30th! I just cant seem to catch up and I am tired all the time. I think I will go to Home Outfitters tomorrow and get another blender so I can make some smoothies....they make me feel SO much better!

A Fashion Dilemma.

Before I had children I considered myself quite "trendy" and "well put together". It's no secret that I have much of a clothing addiction, but I am finding myself quite literally drowning in clothes. Also, finding myself pregnant again, the 3rd time in 6 years I have this issue with maternity clothes as well.

I am not too sure what I should really do.

I have all of these beautiful dresses and skirts that I used to wear before I had my children and have not worn alot of these for many years, and while some would say to give them away, or sell them, but I really love them and they cost money.

While I know this is partly because I have a bit of a hording problem, but I think its more of a want to go back to that time...a time when I could wear anything beautiful without worrying about baby spit up, poop, or food being thrown at me, or having my clothes used as a napkin or tissue.

I think with kids you just cant wear the nice clothes, especially if you are a SAHM, (stay at home mom). You can't go to a park with a skirt and nice heels.

I think I am whining now, I know the answer is to get rid of the clothes...I just dont want to give them up.

Just Gross.

I just had a quick story to share with all of you at the lowest point of this pregnancy and morning sickness..... So my elder son (4) went up the stairs to go pee. I heard flushing of the toilet, once and then twice. I then get a call, "Mom!!!! MOOOOOOOMMMMM!!! Ryan flushed my ambulance bed in the toilet!!" Ryan is 2 and has shown a keen interest in potty learning. I RUN up the stairs...light headed from the run I ask keenan, "What???? what happend??" Keenan replies, "Ryan flushed my ambulance bed down the toilet" he starts crying, "I want it back....wail." I look at ryan. Who has the same smirk that belongs to my husband and my brothers when something is wrong....I ask him, "Ry, did you flush a toy down the toilet?" He nods. I sigh. I look at the toilet. It's filled with pee. (at least its in the toilet and not on the floor). I look around the toilet and surrounding area for a little ambulance strecher that is no bigger than a fork and no wider than a credit card....no such luck..... I curse to myself (in my head) and yell at my children to give me some room. I thrust my hand into the pee water to feel if there is a toy wedged in the elbow of the toilet...there is. I cry to myself, and try to un-wedge it, thanking god for small bones. I wriggle it, gagging on the pee smell, and finally get it free...sludge comes to the surface with it....(today is bathroom day incidentally). As I try not to gag, I take the toy to the sink, flush the toilet, and wash my hands....and keenan's hands, and ryan's hands....and then put a new rule in effect... The door to the bathroom is to stay shut at ALL times.

Pregnant Again.

Yep, thats right.

Pregnant AGAIN....lol. It's kind of funny how when someone adds a second child everyone is excited and thinks its great that the first child wont be an "only" but when you add a 3rd....well then you are just crazy. I think having ANY children is crazy, but having more than one is just certifiable.

I am grouchy, and grumpy and overworked. Yes, I have 2 boys already that were making me nuts. And morning sickness, oh morning sickness, or in my case "all fricken day sickness" sucks. Period. I feel like crap, and look like crap, and completely lack the motivation to do anything that is work related, or school related.

They say, "this too shall pass..."

Not soon enough I am afraid.

Interesting thought for the day.

Discipline problems are greatly reduced when transitions are planned properly. And children's well-being is promoted when they feel that they have some control over what they are doing and when they are doing it, rather than being "herded" or moved from activity to activity in a rushed and thoughtless way.

The right to bring kids.

I have kids, yes I do. Two of them in fact. Excitable, active, inquisitive children. One toddler, and one preschooler.

I have been noticing of late that we (my family and I) seem to be getting the shaft when it comes to family get togethers when the occur *outside* the home. It seems as though while the grandparents love and cherish their grandchildren they do not want to see them in public. Which some would say is understandable.

While I do agree that there are certain things that children should not be invited to as a wedding, a funeral and the like, a family dinner, a graduation dinner, a birthday dinner are all things that they SHOULD.

Now, it could just be that I feel like this because I feel not being invited to said events is like discrimination. Discrimination for having children. Like Joey's Tomatoes who just dont have a kids menu, and good luck finding a high chair.

So maybe it is because the grandparents dont want to eat at Boston Pizza, that could be a reasonable explanation. I would take that explanation. I would understand that eating out with small children can be annoying. I get it.

However, to invite the other siblings, the ones that *dont* have children, or *choose* not to, is in my opinion just mean.

That is where the discrimination comes in.

If we were invited we would decline to go to fancy restaurants or try and get a sitter.

But we would need the invite first.

Hitting as Love

I met a women who also had two boys today. She really spoke to me in such a way that I felt we really connected on a personal level. I was explaining to her how I would become frustrated that my boys were hitting eachother so much and that I had hoped that they would show love and compassion to one another as I did not condone violence in my home.

She laughed and said, that men can not show compassion towards eachother. They can not show love. Well, not in the way that a woman shows love and compassion. If they did, they would then be ridiculed.

As she explained this to me, I started to cry. It was as if she had explained the bottom line fundamentals of boys and men. That they DO love and they DO feel compassion they just express it by hitting, and wrestling and the like.

She went on to say that little boys have a very different relationship with their brothers and their dads and fighting, or rough housing is a way that they express that they are feeling safe with that person. Safe enough to feel vulnerable enough to say, hey we can play at something that can really hurt, and I trust you not to hurt me, because I love you.

This explanation was pure perfection to me, and really made me look at my sons and the relationship that they have with eachother, with their dad and with me.

Boys are expected from a very young age to "man up" to "stop being a sissy" to "stop crying like a girl" and once we place all these restrictions on them they then have to find other acceptable ways to express their feelings. (unless of course they are in sports where bum tapping is okay, or crying after winning a big game.)

This mom really changed my viewpoint about fighting today, and I dont think she will ever know how truly grateful I am.

A new way of looking at things.....

So it is no surprise that I subscribe to the "attachment parenting" philosophy. I breastfed (eed), co-sleep (slept), baby wear (wore) both of my children. I have read Alfie Kohn, Elaine Faber, Gordon Neufield and the like. (Dr. Sears as well). But, I have always felt that there is/was no need for this label.

This "AP" label. It just makes women crazy. That we have to do X and X and X to prove to someone, anyone (ourselves?) that AP is the only way that you can possibly "do right" by a child. I am one of those who fell for that way of thinking hard. 4 hard years ago in fact. I never let my child Cry-it-out. I never once belittled him, ignored him and the like....well, who exactly am I trying to kid?

I am a human first, a woman second and a mom 3rd. Of course I have screwed up. I have not left him to cry, that is right, but he has screamed in my arms. I have ignored him, I have yelled, lost my temper and all the others, I havent smacked him....but who exactly am I qualifying to?

Do you, dear reader, really truly care if I screw up my kid? Isnt that my right as a parent?

So back to the whole AP point that I was trying to make and then got distracted.

I have friends that CIO. And I see their kids, they are just as grouchy as mine, as disrespectful as mine can be, and as loud and obnoxious too...maybe that is just "preschooler". These women are not evil. They are doing the best that they can do, with the knowledge that they have, and who is anyone to judge them. Me? Do I have that right? You? How would I feel if someone judged me? Thought I was the worst parent in the world because I cant keep my boys clean.

I change them over 5 times a day...clothes that is.... doesnt matter, as soon as I put it on its on the floor covered in paint, dirt, snot or other things too gross to mention.

Why am I all riled up? I have been reading my parenting forum and the newbie moms, you know the one's with *one* kid who is less than 2. The ones whose children cant walk let alone backtalk...they just judge so harshly. And it burns me up, because I was like that too. SO judgmental. They just dont understand that by saying "I am so glad that I AP" means that they are building a gap between moms that just need a little support, some guidance, some help. The energy could be so much better spent. Instead of an US vs. Them mentality. Of course I dont have a leg to stand on as I also hold grudges forever.....

One last point on AP and this is the big one, the reason for this post. I actually dont think we AP our kids...I think we AP ourselves. Our children will all react the same way no matter how we raise them, it is how we react that matters.

Other People's Kids

I do love children for the most part. My own children drive me a little crazy now and again. I think compared to most of my friends I am a bit more strict than they are, and I never noticed this until I started hanging out with them more when their children were around.

I posted about discipline (the way other people discipline) a while back and how it didnt actually affect me, how I parent or how it doesnt affect my own children. I have come to the realization that perhaps I was wrong on that assumption.

I was right to say that in the moment a way that a person decides to discipline their own child, or not discipline does not affect any of the above, however, how that child then acts towards *other* authority figures and children in general does affect all of the above.

Dont get me wrong, I do love my friends kids.. I am just starting to notice that some of them (mainly the girls) do not treat my sons so well. They can play nicely for hours but then can turn on a dime, uttering hurtful things and a whole bunch of sassyness.

I honestly try to respect my friends and their parenting style, and for the most part my closest friends and I follow the same style...the difference comes in expectations. Some parents have different expectations for other children. And that is not a bad thing, if we all had the same expectations the world would be quite boring and we wouldnt be able to learn from eachother.

That is where I am a little more strict or harsh, I guess. I expect K to fall in line after he has been given 3 warnings. If he does not comply we leave. Immediately.

He doesnt have a chance to rectify his behaviour. I feel he is given ample warnings and ample time to fix what he is doing.

On the subject of other children....I am not sure how to handle them.

For the most part I am hands off when it comes to my friends children, but there have been more and more times when I have been in a situation where these children disrespect me, or my authority or disrespect my children. The problem with children is that for them to learn something it has to be immediate. But going to find the mom to deal with the situation makes the learning opportunity disappear. And then I wonder, what should I do?

Talk to the child directly? Treat them as I would my own? Some of my friends use gentle discipline, and so talking would be preferable, however, some of these children do not practice "gentle discipline" themselves and just get saucy and rude.

I can usually let it slide off my back, but as keenan gets older and these girls get cattier, it will take all my strength not to say something to them directly. But the question remains, should I?

Is it in my right to correct a girl when my son's feelings are hurt? Would the same happen to him if he was the one hurting feelings? I would hope so.

I just feel like K is a very sensitive boy and the older we get the more comments he receives from girls. It's not that these girls are picking this up from anyone in particular, or that their parents are to blame...that is not the case at all.

Girls get this mentality where they get catty. Bottom line. They form cliques and groups and clubs. People are denied entrance to one and allowed entrance to another, solely based on membership. (this happens in the adult world as well)

So what is a mom to do?

Berry Picking

As an aside from the cottage for the time being.....

We went berry picking at a friends farm today. It was so great to be out in nature in this beautiful weather, it made me feel like maybe we are getting a summer after all.

She has two massive gardens and we went to pick raspberries....I can actually attest, being a city girl and all, that I had no idea that is how raspberries look on a bush. No wonder they are so fricken expensive if someone has to actually pick all of those and put them into little containers before sending them to the store....incredible.

K was happy as a clam to run around and pick as many as he could stuff in his mouth with R close behind.

They were occupied for hours.....says something, doesnt it?

Holiday - The Begining

Well, that was interesting.
I am going to try and blog about my visit to the cottage this year, but as I was without a computer for two weeks I have an abundance of topics to discuss.
I thought, perhaps that I would start from the beginning as it happened in a typical fashion for our family.
I stayed up late the night before to pack much to my hubby's dismay. I came to bed at around midnight. I made sure to set my alarm for 5am since the flight left at 8am and I had two kids to dress etc. Hubby set his alarm as well.
Can you believe that neither of them went off? Not one.
No idea why mine didnt, but hubby's battery died.
So we woke up at 6:30am, just by fluke. We panicked.
We threw stuff in suitcases, took sleeping children and RAN to the truck.
We left our house at 7am. We made it to the airport at 7:30am. As our flight was boarding, and ran to check our bags. (thank goodness for online checkin)
We actually made our flight with minutes to spare.
The funny part was that the next day after hubby charged his phone it went off at 5am (so 3am ont time)...and when we got home my alarm went off at 5 am as well.
Sheesh.

Pit To Distress

I don't write a lot about birth on my blog because this blog is more for personal ramblings and I ramble enough to keep it full already. Having said that, being next in line to become the President of a Birth Advocacy group, means that perhaps the blog will start to have more tidbits of Birth Culture thrown in from time to time.
I just read a blog post here and here and have to say that I am floored. Not so floored that I am actually surprised, but floored that doctors can be so damn selfish.
No Hippocratic oath needed. Just numbers, times, procedures.
No accountability for the mothers well being, physically or mentally. Not to mention how the babies will recover as well.
Now, I have to say that I understand that there is a need for C-Births. My own husband was a frank breech and they went for the section. I am positive that it did in fact save his life. However, 30 years ago they were not even close to as common as they are today, and I am not thinking that the physiology of women has changed exponentially in one generation.
The bottom line is that society says that we can't do it, we cant naturally birth our babies...well not without an epidural anyway, and for that matter, we can't breastfeed either, but formula is a great alternative.
This is WRONG.
We CAN and all we need is the support. Support of our friends, support from our spouse, support from our community, or caregivers etc.
When a women goes into labour I want her to have all of the information that she possibly can so that when the doctors come to say, "we are just going to give you some pitocin" She can know before hand what the maximum dose is for her body and will be able to cut them off if they tried to "pit to distress" her baby.
And by the off chance that she does end up having a c-birth she is *proud* of the fact that she has done everything she can and that her baby comes into the world without distress.
No regrets, no questions, just reassurance, and support.

Boys and Dolls,

It's no secret that I am more of a "genderized" mom. This means that I don't like it when my boys wear panties, dresses, high heels are okay for dress up...I have never bought them a barbie. On the other hand I am not into war toys and dont like fighting games.
I do have dolls for my boys though. This may make me a hypocrite in some peoples eyes, but I really feel like having a doll allows them to show their sensitive side and then can also mimic parenting.
My boys love to cuddle, hug, and kiss their babies. They fight over them and take them everywhere.
It's actually funny to me that out of ALL of the toys that they have they would become so connected to dolls.
This does of course make me nervous for when they are older, as they become more "genderized" then they already are and some other, older boy(s) say, "boys dont play with dolls"
I hope that I can make my boys feel confident enough that it wont phase them....their mom on the other hand......

Xavier Rudd

I went to the Xavier Rudd concert last night. It had to be the weirdest experience that I have had in a while.
First let me preface by saying that Xavier Rudd is got to be my favourite artist. His music speaks to me rhythmically and lyrically. He sings about social change, the environment, and the like. As I become more and more of a hippie in my old age, I really feel connected to what he is saying and most if not all of his shows change me that little. People love, sing, smile, sway and dance to him. It is truly a movement.
Last nights show however, was the oddest Xavier concert I had been to. For one, it was a packed house at the Jubilee (which is more of a formal concert place) and the majority of people did not look like stoners or hippies (who usually come to his shows).
I was excited, I thought it was great that he was reaching a higher audience...until...we sat next to these two bimbos who were drinking vodka out of pepsi bottles, talking and texting while the show was going on, and generally being disrespectful...did i mention that they got up and left the show 3 different times....second, no one stood up to dance, or sing unless Xavier asked (which he had to do twice).
No Dancing. It was crazy.
The whole purpose of a Xavier show is to dance.
I was trying to figure out WHY it was such a wierd vibe.
The venue...way too formal, too comfortable chairs??
The Crowd...too mainstream? No one knew him? Too corporate? Inner City Jackasses? Stampede?
Maybe the just didnt get the message?
I just find it so wierd, and cant get it.....
I have posted a Xavier song here, just so you can see what I mean about the message...

Canada Day

We had a great day at Canada Day celebrations yesterday. It is so fun to teach the boys new things. Keenan had never really heard the national anthem and Ryan thought that all of the festivities were wonderful.
We did have some junk food, but mini donuts are hard to resist. (I resisted...)
We actually bumped into an old roomate who has a band now that is actually quite successful. It was kinda funny to see him as we sometimes wish we could be like him, and he seemed totally blown away that we had children. (he knew that we did but had never met them). It was especially funny that both K and R loved to rock out to his music.
Seeing him again did make C feel a little sorry for himself, because he really misses the fact that he doesnt play music as much as he could.
I think he should just sign up to a market collective or something.....

Standing your Ground

As soon as you announce that you are expecting the advice starts. Everyone wants to tell you what to expect for your pregnancy, your birth and parenting in general. At first you may welcome the comments because you would like to learn as much as you can.

As the weeks go by, you start to form a construct of who you will be as a mother. You will take some advice while completely disregarding other advice that does not fit in with your birth plan or parenting style. Some people have no issue telling others that they disagree, but many new mothers feel that they must listen. They may believe that what they are hearing is true because they have no experience of their own to reference. I am here to tell you that you are the best parenting expert there is regarding your child.

At some point you will encounter people whose positions on birth and parenting you do not agree with. It can happen in a prenatal or playgroup class, or with close family and friends. While you have no obligation to listen to what the people in these classes say, it can be more difficult when the contrary advice comes from your inner circle. It may feel more personal and that makes it more difficult to brush the comments aside.

When facing disagreements, it is always good to be as informed as possible. Information is the first tool we can use to diffuse a disagreement. It makes it easier to explain why you are following the path less traveled. Know your position and the facts around it and you will feel more confident with your choice.

For our parents, it was normal to give a baby a bottle filled with pabulum at bedtime, and put them on their tummies to sleep. It was the best information parents had at the time. We would not do that with our children now. The pediatric advice has changed in 30 years because we know more. So although Grandma may think that they old way is the proven way, we can show her and others that recommendations are not the same now and we can tell them why.

Moms do not need to be defensive or disagreeable. By showing the information in black and white you can get others on board. There are lots of resources in the community for new moms including naturopaths, midwives, and doctors who can all help when talking about food or sleep related issues. There are also parenting books on every topic available at the library. If you are close enough, you can suggest a book to the other person so you can discuss the issue once they have read about it.

The most important thing for a new mom is to find support. Seek out likeminded people who believe in the same ideas that you do. Just having a support network of other moms will do wonders for your own personal convictions. You can find a variety of parenting groups through the Birth Unlimited resource guide or on the Internet. Get out of the house and meet people. You may think that you are the only one who believes in your choices, like vaginal water birth at home with midwives, but that is not the case. There are many, many moms and dads that believe the same things you do. You just have to find them.

Finding your support network will be the first step in to being more confident in your choices. Educating yourself will be the second. If you are confident in the choices that you are making, then people will be less likely to challenge you on them. Have a united front with your partner and keep your cool. Recognize that not all things are or have to be open for discussion. You can tell your friends and family to respect your decisions and that you will not discuss it anymore. Be strong and use your support network to build your confidence.

Remember, your birth and parenting choices primarily affect your immediate family unit. It is not your mother or your mother in law who will be woken up in the middle of the night. It is you. So make decisions that work for your family. Doing what is in your heart as best for your family is all you can do.

You are human and your positions may change as you encounter life changes. The key is to believe in what you are doing and be informed. Never feel guilty for doing your best. Do not stress over every comment sent your way. Your children will love you because you love them. And really isn’t that all that matters in the end?

**originally published in Birthing Magazine Summer 2009

Thoughts

I was talking to a couple good friends about the previous post. I have gone through many different thoughts on how to deal with it. I guess it comes down to three.
1. Get over it. (which I am inclined to do.) Just ignore the drama and get on with my life.
2. Blast it all over, (which I am not interested in doing), this just makes her feel like she has power because she has made me mad.
3. Call her on it. (hmmm.) This may actually be an idea. Actually ask her what the problem is, so that we can move on.
That might be a good idea...it wouldnt be a bad thing to get over it. :)
But then, this shows her that I actually care and I really dont.

So back to square one.

Doesnt it seem like we are really back in highschool?

True Friends.

I have been struggling with this post. I have been enraged, outraged, and overtly pissed off for the last couple days and have been trying to formulate what type of blog post I wanted to write. While still wanting to keep people anonymous, and keeping a level head.
I am not the type of person who goes off the handle on a regular basis, even though I am still quite young, and have had older people tell me that I am en-passioned. However, there are a couple things that make my blood boil, and cause me to rise in action.
Truth, Justice, Compassion, the Greater Good, Honesty.
If you live your life according to these values we will get along, no problem. I know that sometimes moms can have off days, and hey I have them too, so I always try to see all sides of a story and figure out all angles, and also give the person the benefit of the doubt....even to my detriment as my mom would point out.
So where am I going with this.....
Let's just say that I have a group of friends, ones that I know well, and others that I dont know as well...and there is a certain person within this group that has decided upon herself not to like me at all. Now, in a professional capacity, I can work with this woman. In a personal one, not so much....but then do we have to like every single person we meet, and for that matter, just because we share the fact that we parent the same way, are both women, and both had children come out of our bodies, does not best friends make....I digress...
So anyway, we dont see eye-to-eye, bottom line. And I dont really think the whole world or a group of friends for that matter should be brought in to it. Dragged through the drama....(which, coincedentally seems to follow me like a black cloud recently.)
Bottom line is that she is making these friends choose between me and her. Like we are in high school or something! And I am getting pressure to yield and make amends...for what exactly?
It's not that my friends are being dragged through this, when I never wanted them to in the first place, its not that I actually care that she dislikes me so much that she can not stand to be on the same world wide web as me, let alone at a social function...however, she can talk to me at a professional level....what pisses me off the most is that she has called my friendships in to question.
Not following..... lets go back to here. This is the single most defining moment for me as a woman. To realize that even though we age, we grow babies, we raise children in a caring matter, that some women never grow up and high school lasts forever....so why is this particular post have any relevance to this one?
Back then, I stood up for my friend. I put my whole heart, soul, reputaion on the line for her because I felt that she was being treated unjustly.
I told others, and strained friendships that I had made, because I stood up for her.
Now the same thing is happening to me. And I am honestly afraid that these women, these moms that I trust to be honest with me, and truthful, will bend to the will of one, and I will be shunned, and that will show me that no - one really has my back, and that I am some sort of anomoly that will continually put herself on the line for other people with no reciprocation at all.
It's not like I would actually ask these women to do this for me, as I think even in asking brings me down to the level of a high schooler. Also, there is enough drama happening that, really, what would be the point? And it would just fracture more relationships for no reason.....
But, it makes me sad, and melancolic, to think....who, who really, has my back?

Sleep...or Lack Thereof

I seem to be in a sort of time warp when it comes to sleep and my children. Here I am at 11:02pm and my children are finally asleep.
Usually this wouldn't bother me, but lately it is. A lot.
The thing is that I really really need to study. I have a couple classes that are winding down in the next month and I really have to spend some time to finish them, and if my kids are not sleeping until 11pm then when am I supposed to do this work?
What ends up happening is that as soon as they are both sleeping I spend an hour "de-stressing" from the day....either cleaning a little, eating, going on the computer etc. Maybe doing some actual work...and then I start studying and then I go to bed at 1 or 2am. This would be okay if I wasn't woken up at 7am.
I feel like a zombie. I dont feel like I am actually doing well in my classes if I cant do any work at a reasonable hour.
I could just shut the door at 7pm and listen to them scream, but I dont because I have made this commitment to myself and to them that I will be there for them when they need me, especially in the arena of sleep, but boy is it tempting.
I have so much stuff to do in the evening and can never do it.
I guess what I really have to do is bite the bullet and wake up earlier and then wake them up earlier, and perhaps skip the nap until they are on a good schedule.
I would love it if they could both be asleep by 8pm.
Then maybe I could get to sleep myself at a decent hour.

The Discipline Post

A mom on my parenting board put out a simple call for some advice on how to discipline her 3 year old daughter, from the flurry of responses you would think that a "time-out" was the WORST thing that you could EVER do to a child.....so what about a spanking???
I am beginning to feel like one can never win at the mommy wars game. For one, it starts with conception, ageism, and fertility, then birth experience, then nursing then sleep, now discipline....when will it ever end.
Honestly, I dont give a rats ass how you parent as long as YOU feel in your GUT that you are informed, empowered and are doing the right thing for YOUR family. I will gladly help you find resources, but in the end, to time out, or not to time out is not going to affect me....until that is my son brings your daughter home who has never been told no in her life....my poor sons! ;P

I did however want to share a couple of ideas about discipline and maybe "attachment parenting" in general.

So, as an "attachment parent" we want our children to be as attached, as emotionally cognizant, as well rounded, sensitive and the like. To understand to respect all peoples regardless of colour, creed, or race. How exactly can we do that if there are no limits on our children?
I am not saying that we should expect our kids to be little soldiers. I will be the first to tell you that I enjoy it sometimes when my son questions the norm, or says no. That shows me that he is gaining independence, confidence and understanding of the world around him. Our world has boundaries and it is up to us to show our children where those lines lay.
I do not advocate allowing the child to have the upper hand. You are the parent. The buck stops with you. Bottom line. Kids dont want friends. I am not even 30 yet and I have plenty friends whos parents were permissive....can we say no motivation and sex and drug addictions??? Maybe this is because they never learned about control?

Our children are not robots, they are autonomous creatures that learn a million things everyday. I for one think we are doing them a HUGE disservice if we "talk our feelings to death". In my house it is NOT okay to hit the dog or the baby. I honestly could care less why. I really could. My older son is immediately removed. Kicking, screaming, punching. I tried to ask him why he hits his brother, or the dog...."because I like to." Stalemate. So I moved to "it is unacceptable to hit your brother or the dog unprovoked, if you do so, you will sit alone, on this stair. We show love in this house, and if you dont want to you can play by yourself in your room." Children need to know how to deal (defense mechanisms) when they do not get what they want (stress). We have to help them figure out how to deal with it.

I will not be beside my son everytime something doesnt go his way. He has to know how to deal with that himself, so I am setting him up to be an emotional cripple that will have an anxiety disorder because he can not leave the house for fear of someone saying, no.

We only know our children, and how our children cope with a particular situation. I would never ever tell a mother of teenagers that what she is doing could scar her kids....um, am I in that situation? How do I know that? Because I read it in a book....better yet a book by a man who was never home with his kids because he was busy promoting his book? How does he know?
So, when others with children who are NO where near my child's age, ability, or environment give their two cents I can respect it, I can listen, but I will not take it to heart, because I will listen to some one who has a child in a similar situation, or has gone through it before.....

I can't make my children do anything, as I have said before, but I can show them what is acceptable and what isnt...and as a parent that is the best I can do. I am only human, I make mistakes, one size does not fit all......

and lastly, if your child is a perfect little angel and does nothing to displease you.. (and I am talking over 3 years old), your day is coming....and it's not the way your parent...that could be a part of it, but it's called NATURE vs. NURTURE and nature usually wins. ;) (you could just be one of the lucky ones with an easy to please tempermented child....I know I am not!)

Happy Birth(ing) Day

It's my baby's birthday in less than one hour. At this time four years ago, I was having mild contractions sleeping well, and getting excited of what could be.
I never imagined it would be anything like it has turned out. I got pregnant because I felt like something was missing from my life. That I was meant to be and do more than what I had accomplished in my 24 short years on the planet. I thought that by having a baby I would somehow have "done" something with my life.
So selfish.
Keenan has changed me. He saved me from myself. I owe more to that little boy than I do to anyone else in the world, save my husband, and my mother.
He has taken me down a path that I never even knew existed and for that I am eternally grateful.
The things that I am most passionate about, Birth Experience (empowering women to have an informed birth), and Mother to Mother support, would not have even been on my radar if I had not had Keenan when I did.
He has shown me a whole new way of living, of loving, of patience, of compassion, of friendship. I owe my bestfriends to him. Women that I feel connected with, honored to be within their tribe, honest, real women who I would have never met, if not for Keenan.
He was made me grow as a person, as a woman, and as a mother in ways that I never even thought that I could grow.
He makes me laugh everyday, and some weeks he makes me cry as well. He is blunt, talkative, sensitive, empathetic, altruistic, compassionate, wild, loud, crazy, hyperactive, strong, intuitive, smart, extremely smart, talented, loving, proud, beautiful, silly, protective, loyal, trusting, and perfect. I wouldn't have him any other way.
Happy Birthday my baby. You are a big boy now. :)
or as he says, "I am a lower case 4 today mama, on my real birthday I will be an uppercase 4."

My thoughts on the Pool.

I am friends with Gemma Kelsall. I am also going to say that I am proud to be friends with her. Some people may think that she is a lunatic, or lazy or some other semblance that really isnt true, but I will stand by her and her cause until the end.
Don't know what I am talking about? Read here and here. Don't worry I will wait........
Oh also read here, because that is what I am going to blog about.

So now that you are all up to date, lets clarify a couple things.....
1) The City of Calgary has given Gemma letter after letter telling her why it is not okay to nurse in or around the pool. The whole reason why she even thought about having a "nurse in" was so that she could get the city to hammer down an actual policy. That's all she wanted. Edmonton has had one for years, and she has never been commented to in that city or at any of the other pools in Calgary. Just the pool in question has the issue with nursing in and around the pool.
2) So since it was just this pool. perhaps it is just a couple staff members that have problems with nursing moms, and if so, I bet they are sorry now that they ever opened their mouths to disagree.
3) They even complained to her when she nursed on the deck...just wanted to state that for the record.
4) The media focused on the age of her child, and so did all of the negative posters....what is wrong with people? 21 mos is not too old to be breastfed...my child is 16 mos and has 3 teeth....3.
5) The attitudes of public breastfeeding is what makes me the crazyiest...but I am going to donate a whole blog post on that one....
6) The hate mail. Seriously.
This one blows me away. A couple years ago Gemma was nominated for the Vibe 985 baby shower. 60,000K or something like that. She became a finalist, and sadly didnt win. But, she was a finalist because over 10,000 people voted for her, because they liked her, her kids, and saw what hardship she was going through....then this same city, attacks her for wanting a clear policy on where exactly she can nurse her baby.........
Which by the way, really wasnt the point.
The point was....the city had a policy, the lifeguards ignored the policy, harrased her, and were taken to task......
And a last point, who cares if she does or doesnt nurse in the pool....does it really affect you personally....? I mean really, are you right there swimming with her, in the toddler pool? If not, why do you even care?

Breast Intentions

I always knew that I was going to breastfed my children; I just never realized how hard it was going to be.

My mother breastfed all 4 of her children. My siblings were nursed until 2, so I had no qualms about nursing. When we were given a video tape of common Breastfeeding problems in my Birthing From Within Prenatal class, I watched it, only because it was home work. I seriously thought, “How hard can it possibly be? Put the baby on your breast and nurse, babies are born to be breastfed.”

I had a very fast labour. My son was born at home (not our first choice) in 1hr30mins. I think that because we were both in a little shock started the downward spiral to what would later become the most emotional, physical journey that I was yet to face.

My son was born with Jaundice, which is not uncommon for newborns in Alberta, and my midwives were not overly concerned. As long as he was feeding well, we would be able to flush out the jaundice.

He was a great nurser right out of the womb, (albeit a little lazy because of the jaundice), and for the first 3 days he would nurse really well. Day 4 is when it all started to go downhill.

I have a D cup chest and when waiting for my milk to come in, I was wearing very restrictive tank tops with shelf bras in them. This sent my body the message that I didn’t want to lactate (as women often bind their breasts when discouraging their milk to come in.) I completely misunderstood when my midwife told me that my breast should resemble a wedge or a triangle (which shows that the baby has the whole breast in his mouth and not just the nipple). I took it to understand that he should only be nursing off the nipple, and that the nipple itself was to be a triangle shape. (bad latch).

I am often asked how I continued to nurse in so much pain, with a bad latch. I honestly thought that breastfeeding was supposed to hurt. Also, because I have a much higher pain tolerance than most, I would just curl my toes and meditate through the pain.

Day 4 was also the last day the midwives would come to my house, and we would see them again for our 6 week appointment. But because the bad latch started on Day 4, they did not know that anything was wrong. This is my second mistake, as the midwives were available day or night (with the help of a pager) for any and all questions/concerns to do with breastfeeding and the newborn, and I did not take advantage of that.

By 6 weeks, my sons jaundice had not gone away. He was losing weight and would cry incessantly, or sleep all the time. When he was placed on the breast he would fall asleep immediately. When I went to the midwives discharge appointment, they alerted me that something was not right with the breastfeeding, and asked me what my plan was. I had made an appointment with a breastfeeding clinic that day. Feeling that I had everything under control, I was discharged.

So began my 6 month journey through the trails and tribulations of breastfeeding.

It started easy enough, fix the latch. My lactation consultant/doctor was surprised that I had made it as far as I had, with the state my nipples were in. After she showed me the correct way to latch, and I practiced for a week, we noticed that I had no supply. This was from weeks of improper nursing.

Out came the pump. And the supplementation with pumped milk (little that I could produce.) That was gaining his weight either, so I was put on motilium. (Over the months I was placed on the highest dose that they could give me safely. Which were just over 12 pills a day).

Nothing seemed to work. The lactation consultant/doctor made me feel like I was a bad mother because I did not want to supplement with formula. She actually said to me that I was causing my son brain damage, because I was so stubborn.

I went out that day and bought formula.

I felt defeated. I felt like I had not tried hard enough. I felt like a failure of a mother. My whole concept of motherhood was wrapped up in the birth and being able to nourish my child from my body.

I cried every time I fed him with the bottle. Family and friends tried to console me. Telling me that it wasn’t the end of the world, telling me that lots of baby’s are formula fed, telling me that they were formula fed and they turned out fine, telling me that I would have to wean eventually, and what really was the big deal? This is not what I needed to hear. This is my mistake number 3. Not surrounding my self with people that felt the same way that I did.

I was so depressed. I became obsessed with weighing him as much as I could. I would hide the bottles whenever I went out because I felt like breastfeeding moms were judging me. They didn’t know how I felt deflated. They didn’t know how I envied their leaking breasts, and how I wished that I had the oversupply problem that some moms had. I dreamed about having full breasts. Hoping that I would wake up one day and that I would have enough milk to feed my baby.

I started solids early for my son. 4 ½ months. I felt that if I had to supplement him it would be better to supplement him with solid food than formula.

Enter my salvation. The Le Leche League. I started going to share my story so that other new mothers would catch the bad latch before I had. I was given two pieces of advice/information that finally turned the tides for me. #1. You don’t need to nurse for nutrition. You can still nurse for comfort, and any milk that he gets from you is extra. #2. Breastfeeding works on supply and demand. By using the bottles (and inadvertently the motilium) you are telling your body that it doesn’t need to make milk.

These were light bulb moments for me. I weaned my self off of the motlium over the next 3 weeks. Thinking that if I lost any of the supply that it was providing, that it wouldn’t matter, as I was nursing for comfort and not nourishment. Then I would nurse him first before I gave him his bottles/food. I started noticing that he was taking less and less formula.

We stopped the bottle at 6 months old; my milk had finally come in. I could hear him gulping. I was ecstatic!

I felt vindicated. I nursed him until his 2^nd birthday, for comfort, for nutrition, for whatever. Supply and demand.

I would never expect any other mom to fight for breastfeeding like I did. I would encourage her to try, and if she feels okay with supplementing, then she should be proud of the fact that she even tried.

In North America we definitely lack the education and support that a mother needs to establish that good nursing relationship. (As we are even given formula before our babies are born, to show us that it is good to have “just in case”).

I wanted to share my story, so that all those moms who feel bad when using a bottle in public know that they are not the only ones that feel that way, and that we all must choose the path that gives us piece of mind.

You never know what is in the bottle, or why she is choosing to use one. Don’t be quick to judge.

Top Breastfeeding Tip: Find likeminded support. Mother to mother support is paramount when establishing a breastfeeding relationship, seek out other nursing mothers.

Breastfeeding Fodder

I got this off Hawthor's site.

Now, this isnt an argument for or against nursing, as I have been on both sides.
I just wanted you all to check out the reasons why Fisher-Price thinks that you should *choose* bottlefeeding over breastfeeding....

(snip)
While breast milk is the ideal nutrition for babies – not to mention the least expensive option —formula is a good second choice. And, just as there are advantages to breastfeeding, bottlefeeding has its pluses, too. For example:

* Dad and other caregivers can feed baby

* Mom doesn’t need a breast pump, nursing bras or other special clothing.

* It's easy to bottlefeed baby just about anywhere.

* Moms who bottlefeed can diet, take medication and drink or eat as they choose without worrying about effects on baby.

* With a bottle, it's easy to tell exactly how much baby is taking in.

* Bottlefeeding mothers bond just as closely with their babies as nursing mothers.
(end)

Ummmmm....Dad and other caregivers can feed baby if you nurse as well.
I dont wear any special clothing do I? Well sometimes I forgo the bra, but that is just as much for my husband as my child...;P
I think I can actually breastfeed in more places than I could when bottlefeeding....but I could be wrong.
Woohoo, if I choose formula Fisher -Price has just said I can drink, smoke and do drugs all at the same time and it wont hurt my baby. lol
Well, it is true that you can tell how much they are taking in, and yes they can bond as closely as a mom does who doesnt nurse...unless of course they use that monkey contraption...hmmm I wonder if Fisher-Price sells one of those........

I should be sleeping not riling myself up with how stupid Fisher-Price is. (do I have to boycott another company today?!)

(I also posted this on my board, so many will see it more than once!) ;)

Mothers....

This is kinda a reply to Kirsty's Post.
I came to the conclusion a long time ago that mothers are just women.
I had put moms on this pedestal, because they sacrifice for their little ones, and work all day everyday without pay to keep the house moving.
But, really, get them all in a room (or virtual room) with out kids and they all revert back.
The cool kids, the geeks, Leadership, drama, etc etc etc. It's like highschool really.
And yes, the judgement. (which is worse online). So when it comes to moderating that stuff, it just makes you tired, and even more judgy because you wonder why oh why cant they all just be secure in themselves? The answer...because we are women. :(
I am not saying that I am totally untouchable, because I have stirred some major $hat in my day, let me tell you, dear reader...I actually have a friend that I really got along with, and then I put my foot in my mouth and out my ass, and our relationship is still weird. (for me anyway...I dont know for her. And no, I am not sure if we have ever said sorry for the horrid things that went back and forth, and yes I was pregnant at the time....)
The point is that everyone says things they regret, and everyone judges, and why cant we just say sorry and move on?
Why must we hold on and beat a dead horse? (also, in a small AP community....you will see these same people forever!) ;)

It's not actually dirty per say....

K looks at me and says....
K : Why isnt my hair back to normal?
M: What do you mean?
K: I want Blonde...not dirty blonde.....
M:sometimes hair changes colour.
K: I dont want it to go different, I dont want my hair to die.

Burst out crying.....

Shhhesh! lol

The Light Turns On

I belong to a pretty progressive parenting board and have been a member for over 4 years. There is lots of discussions on a variety of topics. Recently we had a discussion about homeschooling, outlining many of the questions that I have put up on this blog. Today one of the very wise mama's posted, "Not homeschooling kindergarten because you're not sure about homeschooling Chemistry 30 is sorta like not breastfeeding a newborn because you don't want to breastfeed a toddler or preschooler, no?", in regards to my concerns about Homeschooling teens.

Can I just say, Wow.

Really. This one post has put all of my questions, all of my concerns all of my thoughts at rest. (It might help that she is a professional writer....) It is just so clear. One day at a time.

That is all we really can do as parents. We only know what we did at the time, and we always do the best that we can. So why worry about 18 years down the road?

Meet your child where they are and support them and the rest will follow.

Thank you M.

Growing Up So Fast

R is growing up so fast. Before bed, K and R had a bath together and were slurping water and spitting it out at one another, and laughing the whole time. I keep forgetting just how old little R is. I keep thinking that he is 6 months younger when in actuality he is much older. The only difference is that he is not a talker.
They then proceeded to wrestle eachother and I kept thinking that he was going to fall off the bed, and I kept telling K to stop but R didnt want to. He wanted right in there, to be just like his big brother....now if I could just let go, that little bit more.

Don't Be Mad Mommy,

Most of the time I am a pretty easy-going mom. Some, like my husband, would say that I am a little *too* easy-going. This is not the case. I see myself as moderate. I have my good days and I most definitely have my bad. Today was one of those days.
I was doing okay, until I learned that the place I go for Gymnastics with the boys cut down their drop in by an hour but doubled the price! Outrageous.
Of Course the whole day was shot after that.
Then there was the super pee on the floor that I had to call C to get him to talk me down. We are talking a whole 4 cups on the floor in front of the toilet. IN FRONT!!!
And then there is bedtime.
I got so mad that I yelled, and stomped and had to leave the room. And felt like an ass afterward.
Sometimes I just want some time to myself, just me. All by my lonesome.
Did I mention that my grandma is back in the hospital.....correlation anyone?

Schooling - An Update

I was all set to stand in line at 4pm for the 7pm registration for preschool for K. Even though it was a blustery -30 below I was ready. I got all the forms filled out and signed, immunization waiver printed out, called my mom to babysit...and then. A small feeling in my gut made me re-think what I was doing and I got cold feet and completely bailed.
I am sure that if this particular preschool had more than just 2 spots available for the 4 year olds I may have considered it more, but that was strike one. I just couldnt justify standing in line for 4 hours *in case* K got a spot.
Number two. I am pretty sure I am going to end up homeschooling for the elementary years. I have felt this way, off and on. But, really, I feel like the way the school system is set up right now is not really the way that I want my kids to learn about the world. We can do a whole host of other options in order to learn the curriculum, without having to sit in a desk for 8 hrs a day, and get 1 hr of homework a night for a 6 year old.
Just seems too much for me.
I really like the look of the blended program. If that is the direction I am going towards for elementary, then why oh why would I stand in line for a program that is 3 days a week?
Not to mention, because of my profession I have so many resources for teaching K. I mean if I feel he is lacking we will just go to school; for FREE. ;)
Now I think I will just "homeschool" him through the summer, and see if he likes it...if he doesn't it's not like I just can put him in a class that has "ongoing registration".

Schooling

Here I go again.
It's after midnight on Sunday and here I am sitting Blogging because I can't sleep and I don't really want to study motivation in Psych. (how is that for a laugh).
Anyway, I have always thought that my older son is a "gifted" child. He could talk before he was a year old, had a massive vocab by the age of two, and can recognize all the letters in the alphabet, and numbers to 10 by three. I am not saying that he is some genius or something, but I have just noticed that he has a love of learning and that it is quite visible.
Now. I have also thought that because of his caring, sensitive soul that I have talked about before, that perhaps he would do best in a different kind of learning environment. Not saying homeschooling entirely, but at least having an advocate there for him to see and learn from. I have also thought that he would need something more than I received.
When he was one, I thought, yes I will homeschool.
Then I met my business partner who happens to be a teacher, she told me that I alone couldnt possibly meet all the needs that he would require and that it was good for him to learn from other people in a enriching environment. So I thought, hmmmmm........
We opened a preschool together and I placed him in Parented Preschool. He thrived. He learned more from my business partner then I had ever thought to have taught him. I just thought that some concepts were above him and never gave him the opportunity to learn. I was sold. Preschool was the best!
Then we had a new teacher, and she didnt treat him the same because I was the boss. (or I perceived it that way.) And so after the R was born I pulled him.
I put him in regular preschool for year 3. Mostly because my business partner had told me all the benefits and I thought, why not? something for just him 2 days a week might be nice.
It has not been as great as I would have hoped. I feel like he is lost in the crowd. That he is not even close to his potential.
So now to the thoughts for next year.
After I saw Alfie Kohn speak I was re energized for School Reform and thought that Keenan will go to public school and I will fight, as I do for parents and birth.....and then I saw that people like John Holt had been fighting for school reform since the 1960's and that made me feel a bit disheartened again.
I seem to go to one side and then the other every year. And as Kindergarden approaches I get more and more and more freaked out. I mean seriously, I was IN education. I SAW who the next generation of teacher are. I saw them at the bar, in the dorms etc. I was friends with a LOT of them....and that is why I left that major.
I know that there are good teachers out there. I have family that have worked with the system all the way up to management. But I dont really want to start a losing battle, this is my kids future we are talking here. His whole life.
I am terrified that he will be destroyed by the public system, but I am also scared that I wont be able to facilitate his learning to the level that it needs to be.

Letting Go

Letting Go 

The Birth of Ryan Christopher

I found out I was pregnant on the day of my son’s second birthday party. I mentioned to my best friend that I had been feeling sick. She told me to take a pregnancy test. I thought, “Why? I am still nursing, I don’t have a period…” 

The little blue lines staring up at me were a wake-up call. I called my midwife before I told my husband Chris. She calmed me down and told me they would take me on as a returning client. She said to relax and enjoy Keenan’s birthday party. 

I couldn’t really relax. I was buzzing. I had just agreed to take on a new business venture with my friend. I had no idea just how pregnant I was. She assured me that we would run the business, and it would work out great. 

Fast forward to my ultrasound two weeks later to figure out the due date, which I thought would be about eight months away. Turned out I was actually already close to 13 weeks pregnant. I had skipped the whole first trimester, without even knowing it. 

I had supreme mother guilt. Not only did I have a thyroid condition, a dairy allergy, and a tendency to stress myself out, I was also still nursing my two year old. I had just taken a holiday and drank copious amounts of alcohol (well maybe closer to three cosmos) and used the hot tub. 

I was devastated. I felt like a horrible mother. With my first son I had taken prenatal vitamins, done yoga, attended childbirth classes; the whole thing. For this pregnancy I missed the whole first trimester. 

I worried and worried. Luba, my new midwife, kept trying to reassure me. I did listen to her…somewhat. I just couldn’t help wondering if I would carry this baby to term. I would stay up all night sometimes wishing I had done better. 

I started pushing the idea of even having the baby out of my head. I knew I was pregnant, but convinced myself that I was not as pregnant as I actually was. I kept going. I weaned my son from my breast and my bed. I still worked as hard as ever on all other aspects of my life. 

I kept thinking, “This baby isn’t going to come until February!” My body kept giving me other signs.

I booked prenatal photographs for the morning of December 4, 2007. When I woke up I felt cramps and had a lot of Braxton Hicks. We headed over and did the shoot. A couple of times the photographer asked if I was okay because I seemed to grimace in a couple of the poses. I assured her it was fine and that it was just Braxton Hicks. 

Chris started timing them and found they were seven minutes apart, like clockwork. Our photographer said, “I think you may be in labour. You should call your midwife.” I brushed it off. It’s too early, I thought, “It’s just false labour.” 

We promised to call when I got home just to be on the safe side. I convinced Chris to stop at Babes In Arms before we went home because we were so close. My girlfriends own the store and they were both there when I walked in. I was busy chatting with them about baby carriers and prenatal pictures when I had to stop and breathe. They were both really concerned.

“Are you in labour?” my friend asked. I said, “No, I’m just having really consistent Braxton Hicks. “How consistent?” my other friend asked. “About six minutes apart.” They both yelled at me to go home and call my midwife, so I left to go home and told them I would let them know.

I still didn’t believe I was in labour. But we went home and Chris called the midwives anyway. I had a fast labour with my first, so the midwives, Luba and Maura, decided to come over to check on me right away. When they arrived, I was still having contractions every six minutes. The midwife checked me and I was about four centimeters dilated. 

So the waiting game began. I answered all my work emails letting people know I would be out of commission for a while, still not really cluing in that this baby was coming. We had lunch, dinner, and my mother and mother-in-law arrived. I put Keenan to bed. 

The midwives thought that maybe I would kick into high gear after he went to bed. I was still fighting it. Centimeter by centimeter my body was fighting against my mind. “I am not going to have this baby today! It’s too early. I am not ready.” 

The midwives stripped my membranes and broke my water, and still I made no real progress. I had tinctures and snacks and we were still stalled. Maura came up and told me, very matter of factly, that I WAS going to have this baby, and that it was only going to happen when I wanted it to. 

I asked her if I could have a nap for a while. She said yes, but after that we had to decide what we were going to do. I slept for about 40 minutes, with contractions coming every five or so. I woke up to Maura saying it was almost time. She said I was over seven and a half centimeters. She was going to go downstairs and get the rest of the team. It was past midnight.

Chris, my mom and I sat alone in the room. “I don’t want to do this again.” I cried. “It hurts.” Chris laughed, “Well, you can’t really go back now honey!”

My mom said, “It’s pain with purpose. Remember what it is at the end of this journey; a beautiful baby boy. Ryan is coming sweetie, he is coming.”

I cried, “I am not ready for him. I am scared. I don’t know how to be the mom of two. What if I suck?” My husband looked at me, “You are the best mom to Keenan, and you will be an awesome mom to Ryan. I love you.” 

I hugged him fiercely and gave in to my body. The contractions came on hard and fast; one after another and another. My mom scrambled to call the midwives in. My mother-in-law rushed in with them. 

After two more contractions I was pushing, and it took less than 15 minutes for Ryan to clear the birth canal, and for Maura to say, “There he is; grab on to your baby! Reach down and pull him out!” 

I grabbed hold of Ryan under his arms and pulled him onto my chest. I finally realized how much I wanted this little baby and just how perfect he was. Like the ever so patient little boy he has turned out to be, Ryan just had to wait a little while longer for me to figure it out. 

Sensitivity and Boys

My older son is a sensitive soul. He has empathy coming out of his ears for everyone...well maybe everyone but his little brother....
As he gets older I worry how he will cope with the other children disappointing him. I mean we all know that this society is not kind to boys, and I accept that, and I don't want to shelter my boy...but...when he looks up at me with tears in his eyes because a child told him that he has to be the "bad guy" it breaks my heart. (in reference to playing a game of superheros)
And the child is not being malicious, and they don't understand that K is vehemently against "bad guys", and they don't understand that even if he doesn't agree he will go along with it, because he would rather have a playmate than to play alone....
When other children don't want to hug, or kiss, or hold hands...he is upset, and defeated, like he has personally been rejected.
When a child says, "No. I don't want to Play." or "I don't like you." These words pierce his very soul, and as his mother I watch and wait for him to let it slide, but I know it doesn't...so even if I don't want to say anything, I end up making an excuse..."That Child is tired, or hungry, or just plain mean." And I lie to him.
Does this do him a service? I so badly want to scream at the other child, "Look at him! He just wants to play with you, you selfish child." But I know that they are just children, and maybe they just think he is weird for being sensitive.

Stuck

I am feeling so stuck lately.
I want to move but can't.
I want to go to school full time but can't.
I would like to sleep 8hrs but can't.
And all things stem from my kids.
I had horrible cabin fever today b/c Chris was at a course and so I had the kids all weekend by myself, and just came off a week of having the kids all day by myself. I wanted to go outside! When a friend invited us out I was so excited, K not so much.
He dragged his feet and cried and whined about leaving our house and I just got so frustrated that instead of screaming and yelling and forcing him out the door, I just gave up.
I seriously could not stand it anymore. I took off all of their outside clothes, gave them a snack, took them upstairs and turned the TV on.
And we had been doing so well, 4 days sans TV.....

The Worst (RANT)

***Disclaimer****
This is a Rant. A rant in essence is MY thoughts and not meant for people to get offended. If you disagree we have a difference of opinon. That doesnt mean that you offend me with your opinion. I am stressed, and sad, and mad, and frustated and needed to get this off my chest...or I will never get to sleep.


This is the worst week of my life. EVER.
My grandmother who I spent so much time with as a child is in the hospital because she had a heart attack. This comes only 3 days after my Grandfather (her husband) was released himself after have a new stint put in his heart. Obviously I am going to have heart problems when I get older.
So all this is going on, and I find my dream home. A Bungalow, in the community I love, ECO built. We are talking Geo Thermal and Geo Solar here. In my city! The builder even wants to sell it to us at cost. $365K. Sadly, we dont have that kind of money.
I work 4 jobs and don't pull in near that amount, my husband works 2. Not even close.
It comes down to me going back to a office job that doesnt use any of my talents to wake up at 6am to get my kids to daycare for $1100/ea / month or a live in nanny for $1400/month....so leave and get to work for 8am, lunch w/o my kids, get in the car at 4pm to get home by 5:30, make dinner for 6pm, kids in bath and bed by 7pm. So for an extra, um lets be realistic, because I dont actually have my degree and the MOST I have EVER made in my ENTIRE working career was $12.67/hr....
So lets see...$12.67/8hrs/5days.week/4 weeks a month is.....$2027.00 - taxes..so lets say $200/month? So $1827. Now minus the Nanny. So $427.00/ month. Not to mention that I would lose my stay at home subsidy...so minus $150/month (for K preschool), that leaves us with $277/month. And I would lose some of my child tax benefit, because we would go up a bracket, so like $50? So $227/month....oh and Gas...because I would now be driving every day, two times a day....so minus $100 now leaves me with about $127.00/month TAKE HOME.
WOW! That was worth it.
Now lets say I dont get a nanny, and I get daycare instead. $2027.00 - 1100x2 = so -$173.00. (thats even better, I can't even afford to send my kids to daycare.) NICE.

So say it. I want you to. "You should have waited until you were older and had your careers established, yada yada yada..." so my dear husband paramedic would STILL be making the SAME amount of money, and I would have my B.A in Psych and I dunno work where, oh the CHR and make $15/hr. Wow that was worth it. Now I am 10 years OLDER and no further ahead.

WTF?
Seriously?
WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING CHILDREN IF YOU NEVER GET TO SEE THEM?
I would have much rather NOT have any kids EVER and then go and travel the world all the time. Seriously. I would NOT have had my children if I did not get to raise them.
And please if you spout off any of that Quantity VS. Quality B.S I will seriously hunt you down and slap you in the face.

I GET that moms have to work. I SEE it in the numbers. *I* just would not have had my kids if I had to give them to someone else. I just wouldn't. That is me, my belief. I dont have anything against people who work, nothing against moms that put thier kids in daycare. Heck my Bestfriends kid is in daycare and she makes it work, and I dont think her child is any worse for it.
But, *I* couldnt do it. That is why I work 4 jobs for minimal money, all sorts of hours, at home, so I can see my babies grow.

I hate that I am going to be stuck like this for a very long time. No upward mobility because of capitalism. :(

Inspiration.

I first want to start off by saying that I have had people tell me that I should really read Alfie Kohn and I have hummed and hawed about it time and time again, so when my friend told me to check out his lecture that was coming up, I thought sure, why not. (Save me from reading the book.)
I was blown away. Never has something resonated with me like his words. It was a religious experience for me. I agreed with EVERY SINGLE WORD that came out of his mouth. And the weird part, so did my husband.
It was amazing.
When I went into university for the first time it was to become a teacher, I made it into my 3 year and met the other people who would be my peers, colleagues and I hated them. (Not all, but a vast majority.) I wanted CHANGE in the system, and they were only in Ed, because the GPA was a 2.5 and they couldn’t get into anything else. They didn’t like kids, they didn’t really care about education, they just needed a job, or a degree and Ed seemed like the way to go.
Needless to say, I was devastated.
I partied way too hard to drown my sorrows of a front to my idealism and dropped out.
Of course I found my way back, but never wanted to go into Ed, as I felt it was too far gone. I started researching different schooling opportunities for my child and homeschoolling came up again and again, although I never thought that *I* would be the only one able to teach my child.
I just feel like as a mom *I* will get lazy and MISS those pivotal teaching moments that arrive once in a blue moon...and you know what Alfie agreed with me.
I was shocked.
I thought he was all for homeschooling/unschooling, why it was my unschooling/homeschooling friends that told me to go and see him...and here he was saying that peer based learning in a integrative model is the best way to ensure a WHOLE child.
I was surprised, I was intrigued, but above all else I was inspired.
I *WISH* I had seen Alfie talk while I was in University...I can tell you one thing; I definitely would have finished my degree, got my masters, and started a Progressive School.

Our House is a very very very Fine House

Sometimes.
I have a love/hate relationship with our house.
I Love....
That I have a house.
That it is in a wicked suburb.
That I have friends around.
That it is in a good school district.
That it is near my family.
That it is new.
That I got to design it.

I Hate......
That the layout sucks.
That I have no backyard.
That I am in the suburbs.
That my friends are too busy to visit.
That it is near my family.
That it is new.
That it is not Eco Friendly.
That there are NO TREES!

Right now there are lots of foreclosures on the market that makes one think that perhaps we should buy, but then what. A big move, loads of money spent etc....

I am always on the fence.

I want to live in a small town where I can walk to the grocery store....Okotoks anyone?

Hit by a Mack Truck....

I feel so achy today. Like all over bruised. Not to mention a headache. So what is up? Well, Ryan has turned into a horrible sleeper, but I know that it will pass because he probably has a crappy sleep because he is constantly teething. Or that I come to bed so late. I want to go to bed at a reasonable hour, but I feel like I never get any down time, or alone time...so if R or K are up to goodness knows when, I will stay up two hours after.
So maybe I feel so sick because I was up til 2, R woke up at 4am and K had preschool this morning...which always makes me feel so tired.
(I was so tired that I actually found myself asleep on the floor next to K during R's nap) brutal. Maybe that is why I feel like someone hit me with a baseball bat. Of course I shouldn't joke about stuff like that today, after what happened to Rihanna.
What is wrong with some men?! Seriously. But that is a whole other rant.

Homeschooling

So I have been grappling with this for a while.
I HATE the public school system. I have for a great while. I don't believe that all kids fit in the same square hole. I would love if we took the time to figure out what learning style our kids had and then give them the tools to learn in the best way...sadly that is not the way it goes and boys seem to suffer more than girls.
So, Keenan is in Preschool and I really don't feel like he is getting much out of it. (I should really go chat with his teachers...) so I have been thinking homeschooling...but I know TWO people who are not complete freaks...or should I say they seem normal.
I have joined these other two groups for homeschooling and the parents on there are so fricken "know it all" isn't homeschooling about learning with your kids...and giving them freedom? Not restrictions? Not to mention I have a massive personality clash with a huge homeschooling proponent. The fact that my child(ren) would have to learn alongside some of these people makes me crazy, but then again, homeschooling, unschooling or traditional schooling all have thier quirks and quacks!
(So what on earth do I do now?)

Tips for having a Newborn and a 3 year old....

I think there is absolutely an adjustment period between one and two,
and some people just cope better than others...it's all about how you
handle stress.
I found that the newborn stage for Ryan was a breeze. I just put him
in the wrap all the time. He just slept in the wrap from day one, so
really it was just like I was still pregnant.
At 6 months however, was when it got really tough for me. Ryan and
Keenan demanded an equal amount of my time and there is only so much
of you that can go around...not to mention that once both kids were
occupied/sleeping Chris would want some one on one. It got really
draining, really fast. So I started taking time for myself. I do yoga
while the kids play beside me, I put Keenan in preschool so I have 4
hours a week with just Ryan. Quiet time when Ryan naps is a must.
(still working in this one). I joined a Babysitting Coop and can use
that when I really need to get out.
I have also pared back my extracurricular/work. I do not work all day
everyday as I was before, I do not work on Tuesdays and Thursdays when
Keenan is home, and we try to get out of the house as a family on
Fridays. Chris and I have also agreed to one night a week where we do
something separate, if that means a movie or a meeting for me, and
jamming for him, that is how it works...we try not to take more than
one day away alone, or we start to resent eachother.
TV is my savior for when Ryan is being put down. Keenan can watch the
Wiggles and I can nurse Ryan down with no interruptions.
You have to do what you can to make YOUR life easier for YOU.
Lastly, I have a couple books on activities to do with kids and try to
pick one a day to do with Keenan. For example, we had a "Backwards
Day" so we started with a bath and then got dressed (clothes on
backwards) and had leftover dinner for breakfast, a BIG lunch, and
pancakes for dinner...kids love it when you get involved so play with
them. :)
If you feel like you can't cope take deep breaths and walk away...and
call a friend who understands...many women on my parenting board have had me
call them when I am in crisis...and it means SO much!!!
Good Luck!
Alisha
mama to keenan and ryan