You know you are a mother when….

Today was one of those days. The days that just keep kicking you even when you are down.
It started when I decided (for the first time in 3 weeks) to go to bed early. My littlest still sleeps in the family bed, so I happily climbed in all ready to get some much needed sleep - when he woke up.
He sometimes wakes for a couple minutes, so I patted him down and he fell back asleep.

And then woke up. Again, and again, and again. He woke up every hour from 11pm to 5am… He is night weaned and has been sleeping through the night for months (at 23 months old). It was a rough night!!

But, we mothers can function on very little sleep so I got up and went about my day. I let my middle child pour the milk for his cereal (training him to do it himself) and he spilled the whole thing…It was okay - no need to cry over spilt milk - but my cleaning list started to grow from that point.

We went to feed our fish. Three little guppies that we were growing attached to - and of course, "why is that one upside down??" and of course it *had* to be K's as he is the most sensitive one. Lots of talking and lots of tears later, and lots of WHY questions… we said goodbye to the spotted one.

After the tragedy they were playing very nicely, little fights here and there, however they would not leave the kitchen and had me tripping over them time and time out. I was starting to get frustrated. I remembered that they seem to act out more on a weekend when dad is not home - so I sucked it up, and found them work to do.

I decided to send them outside to play so that I could finish the kitchen. Just as I put my youngest in his snow gear he pooped. I picked him up and went upstairs to change him (of course I had just run out of diaper liners - and so now my cleaning list grew some more as this particular cloth diaper needed some TLC.

As I was putting a freshly clean cloth diper on his bum, my middle child came in the room. I asked him if he went pee (as he was entering the bathroom as I headed up the stairs). He said, yes that he had gone pee. But that he wanted to be like E. (the youngest). I asked him - how so? He told me that he pooped in his pants. He is 4. Has been potty trained for a year. I said, you want to poop in your pants? He replied, no I pooped in my pants to be like E.

I would like to say that I stayed calm, but I was pretty irritated that he would purposefully poop in his pants (adding more to the cleaning list). I took him to the bathroom and sure enough a kid sized poop was in his pants. I put him on the potty and left the room…taking a parent time out. (He finished on the potty and I praised and smiled…and the grumbled to myself while cleaning now the potty and the pants.)

They went outside. The day continued. They came back in. Wanted to paint.

We painted. They made a collosial mess… paint on the floor and the walls… apparently they like to wave their hands a lot when excited.

Cleaned up, went downstairs - ate popcorn, watched a movie. (emotionally scarred R - the middle - UP is too intense for him.)

Left the TV on for 15 mins while I re-heated the pizzas in the oven and came down to E - sleeping at 6:30pm… 7 was usually his bedtime, and I panicked. Not wanting him to miss dinner and not wanting to be up all night - I woke him…..he didnt eat dinner anyway….

Bed for the big two at 8pm….E didnt go down until 10pm… that cat nap sure gave him a second wind.

Just as I got E to sleep, K - the big one, calls me into his room.. I walk in and he goes, "mom, my neck feels funny." I say, "oh?" and walk over to feel it. Not a moment after my hand is on his neck he starts to gag and projectiles in my direction. I pick up the closest thing to me - which is a basket - and he fills it with regurgetated popcorn and pizza. I gag, he gags again and continues.

After he is done, I carry him to the bathroom and place him on the toilet. I go and strip his bed (look more cleaning!!) and thow it in the wash. I look at the basket.

It's a wicker basket that I use to collect their toys that they leave in my living room. It sits on my stairs and then at the end of the day is brought up into their rooms to empty….so this one - full of puke - also had ALL of the toys that he loves the MOST!

I take the basket into the bathroom dump it in the sink - fill the sink with water and gag - and gag- and gag - and start to *fish* out Lego Minifigures…. Luke, Darth Vader, and Ninjagos and floating in stomach contents.

It is in that moment that I think about how *only* a mom would do this. No one else would sift through vomit to save beloved toys. And as he sat on the toilet he kept asking in a panicked voice - "you are not losing them down the drain are you??"

I wish that was the end - but it is not…he puked again…and I had to strip the bed again, and throw stuff in the wash again - and as I write this I can hear him retching…..it is going to be a long long long night….

Sigh. (but this *is* my job.)

Standing your Ground

As soon as you announce that you are expecting the advice starts. Everyone wants to tell you what to expect for your pregnancy, your birth and parenting in general. At first you may welcome the comments because you would like to learn as much as you can.

As the weeks go by, you start to form a construct of who you will be as a mother. You will take some advice while completely disregarding other advice that does not fit in with your birth plan or parenting style. Some people have no issue telling others that they disagree, but many new mothers feel that they must listen. They may believe that what they are hearing is true because they have no experience of their own to reference. I am here to tell you that you are the best parenting expert there is regarding your child.

At some point you will encounter people whose positions on birth and parenting you do not agree with. It can happen in a prenatal or playgroup class, or with close family and friends. While you have no obligation to listen to what the people in these classes say, it can be more difficult when the contrary advice comes from your inner circle. It may feel more personal and that makes it more difficult to brush the comments aside.

When facing disagreements, it is always good to be as informed as possible. Information is the first tool we can use to diffuse a disagreement. It makes it easier to explain why you are following the path less traveled. Know your position and the facts around it and you will feel more confident with your choice.

For our parents, it was normal to give a baby a bottle filled with pabulum at bedtime, and put them on their tummies to sleep. It was the best information parents had at the time. We would not do that with our children now. The pediatric advice has changed in 30 years because we know more. So although Grandma may think that they old way is the proven way, we can show her and others that recommendations are not the same now and we can tell them why.

Moms do not need to be defensive or disagreeable. By showing the information in black and white you can get others on board. There are lots of resources in the community for new moms including naturopaths, midwives, and doctors who can all help when talking about food or sleep related issues. There are also parenting books on every topic available at the library. If you are close enough, you can suggest a book to the other person so you can discuss the issue once they have read about it.

The most important thing for a new mom is to find support. Seek out likeminded people who believe in the same ideas that you do. Just having a support network of other moms will do wonders for your own personal convictions. You can find a variety of parenting groups through the Birth Unlimited resource guide or on the Internet. Get out of the house and meet people. You may think that you are the only one who believes in your choices, like vaginal water birth at home with midwives, but that is not the case. There are many, many moms and dads that believe the same things you do. You just have to find them.

Finding your support network will be the first step in to being more confident in your choices. Educating yourself will be the second. If you are confident in the choices that you are making, then people will be less likely to challenge you on them. Have a united front with your partner and keep your cool. Recognize that not all things are or have to be open for discussion. You can tell your friends and family to respect your decisions and that you will not discuss it anymore. Be strong and use your support network to build your confidence.

Remember, your birth and parenting choices primarily affect your immediate family unit. It is not your mother or your mother in law who will be woken up in the middle of the night. It is you. So make decisions that work for your family. Doing what is in your heart as best for your family is all you can do.

You are human and your positions may change as you encounter life changes. The key is to believe in what you are doing and be informed. Never feel guilty for doing your best. Do not stress over every comment sent your way. Your children will love you because you love them. And really isn’t that all that matters in the end?

**originally published in Birthing Magazine Summer 2009

Don't Be Mad Mommy,

Most of the time I am a pretty easy-going mom. Some, like my husband, would say that I am a little *too* easy-going. This is not the case. I see myself as moderate. I have my good days and I most definitely have my bad. Today was one of those days.
I was doing okay, until I learned that the place I go for Gymnastics with the boys cut down their drop in by an hour but doubled the price! Outrageous.
Of Course the whole day was shot after that.
Then there was the super pee on the floor that I had to call C to get him to talk me down. We are talking a whole 4 cups on the floor in front of the toilet. IN FRONT!!!
And then there is bedtime.
I got so mad that I yelled, and stomped and had to leave the room. And felt like an ass afterward.
Sometimes I just want some time to myself, just me. All by my lonesome.
Did I mention that my grandma is back in the hospital.....correlation anyone?