Skip the Babyshower! Have a Mother Blessing Instead!

When I was pregnant with my first child (almost 9 years ago) I was determined to check off every item that babycentre canada said that I needed as a first time mom. My husband and i were both students so we were not as flush as we would have hoped and so we thought a good way to get baby items was to throw a babyshower. It was a good time for sure. We played all of the party games and I got a ton of swag....which I barely even used.

The part about a babyshower that no one tells you is that you probably won't be using all of the "must haves" that the baby companies say that you need. In reality, you only need clothing and diapers. Other than that, everything else is completely personal. (We didn't even use our crib!)
So when baby number 2 and 3 came around I decided to go the more non-traditional route and have a Blessing Way.

A Mother Blessing or Blessingway is a tradition that is taken from many other traditions and then melded to make a beautiful ceremony that celebrates women and motherhood.
Traditionally it is comprised of a group of women that are mothers but who are also incredibly close to the mother who is being celebrated. The guest list is very intimate and extremely exclusive. If a woman invites you to her blessing way, she feels that you alone have a very special place in her heart, and it something to feel very honoured about. (you don't just invite everyone.)

There is no right way to plan a Blessingway, as every mothers needs are different, just as every woman is different. A mother blessing for a first time mom will look very different from that of a second time mom, or a mom who has/going to have a C-birth or a VBAC. If you are hosting the Blessingway for your friend/sister it is important to know this and plan accordingly.

I thought it might be nice if I explained how my own blessing ways typically go, so that you can get a better idea and start planning one for a close girlfriend, or get someone to throw one for you!

About a month before the event send out the invitations. In the invite let everyone know what a Blessingway is and ask them to bring a bead that will be strung on the birth mother's neck while in labour so that she can remember everyone who is there to support her during her birth. Ask them to come with a couple of blessings in mind, one for the mom about her birth, one for the baby, and one for the mom about how her life will change.

Also, ask the guests to bring a potluck item for everyone to share. After the ceremony, it's always nice to nosh together and just talk.

On the day of, if the mother wanted people to place their blessings inside her belly cast, then make sure that she has already made one a couple days before. If not, and she wants to do a belly cast, this can be a fun activity to do at the Blessing so make sure you have the items available.

Once all the guests arrive and are seated in a circle, go around the circle and have each woman introduce herself by her mothers lineage. For example, My name is Alisha, daughter of Ruth, Granddaughter of Audrey, and so on. At this point each woman lights a candle. These candles are to stay lit for the whole ceremony, and at the end each woman takes hers home to re-light when the mother goes into labour. It is also nice at this point to have each mom tell a funny story about the mom-to-be, or how they met, or why they feel their friendship is valuable etc. (The whole point is to make the mom feel supported).

Next, each woman goes around the circle and places a bead on a string, explaining why they chose that particular bead, and what significance it has to them or the new mom, while doing this they also state the wish that they have for the upcoming birth. For example, "I wish for your birth to be one of complete calmness and love. To birth with openness and strength." Once the necklace is done it is placed around the mothers neck.

Next, there is a little pampering where the mother can get her feet washed, hair brushed, nails painted, henna started (henna on the belly). Sometimes a crown of flowers will be placed on her head. Just to signify how beautiful she is; inside and out. Sometimes women bring items for a pampering basket for after the baby is born.

After the pampering is done, the attendants are asked to share their hopes and dreams for the child and mother. They can also be asked to write them down, as to keep a scrapbook if the mother so wished. For example, "My wish for your child is that they are happy and healthy. My wish for you is to have patience  and understand that the early years are so fleeting. Embrace your child with all the love you feel for them now, everyday."

When all of the blessings are over, get a ball of yarn and tie a couple loops around each woman's wrist. This signifies that all the women in the circle are connected and they are asked to wear that bracelet until the baby is born, so that each time they look down at their wrist they think of the special day, the mother, the child and all of the women who were in the room. (After the baby is born everyone can cut their bracelets off - but sometimes the new mom will wear it for 6 weeks post-partum or until it falls off to remind her of the support that is still there if she needs it.)

Lastly, the candles are blown out and all of the women move to the food table. Sharing stories of motherhood, life and support. Sometimes there is a sign-up list for each woman to bring a meal to the family when the child makes an appearance.

I hope that was informative for all of you, and I hope that maybe you will throw one of these, or go to one in the future. If you have any questions or comments please leave them below.

Mommy Judgement

I have been thinking a lot on mommy judgement as of late as a couple articles that have come out in the last couple days (one that I wrote) and another have caused quite a debate in the mommy world.

We speak about how when people know better they do better, and that everyone will find a way that works for their family, and how judgement fuels the mommy wars - and it does, but that doesn't mean that all moms need to stop judging.

Wait…did I just say that you *should* judge? Wasn't my last post all about *not* judging…am I contradicting myself? I would say no, because I personally believe that there are different kinds of judgement, and different degrees of how one should be judged.

Let me give you some examples.

I wrote an article on being a "sometimes" single parent. This is when mom or dad is out of town for work on a regular basis. It talked about coping techniques and how to keep your family whole when one is obviously missing. When I posted about it a couple friends of mine were completely insulted that I would write about being a single parent when I am not one. (but the article wasn't about that) I feel as if I was judged very harshly - without any real information gathered. Neither of them had actually read the article so they were just putting their perception of what they *thought* I had written and judged me for it.

This is not a nice way to judge moms.

Another would be judging a mom on how she goes about the day to day of raising her kids. Judging them on what they eat, what they wear or how they dress. We can also go into where the baby sleeps, what they do for a living etc. etc. These are normal judgments that run rampant in society - and really shouldnt matter. Every single person is judging you. Watching you. Looking at what you are doing. They are called snap judgments and to try and get people above this - especially when they are looking for connections (like in mommy groups) is almost impossible. Unless you are a devout spiritual person... I would say that everyone has these type of judgments.

As a side, these are the judgments that I fall prey to the most. I fret about how I look and how my kids look to the outside world on a regular basis…it is why there are brushes and wipes in my car at all times.

This isn't a nice way to judge people either but this one is more of a *perception* at any given moment people may or may not be actually judging you - and for the most part these are judgments that you have about yourself - remember my last post (own your choice).

The third judgement is where the second article landed on. A parent "expert" consistantly tells parents to let their children cry themselves to sleep and not check on them for extended periods of time from 2 months on.. (or 12lbs - which ever comes first). Anyway, she felt judged by parents who did not believe in her methods and other parents who use these methods also feel judged (albeit maybe having not used the extreme methods that she subscribes to).

Isn't this a good judgment? If someone is doing something that is harmful to another person, or preying on people when they are in a vulerable state…isnt this when we *should* judge?
To me advocating that an infant under 8 weeks should be left for 12 hrs at night with no exceptions is abuse…and so this expert in my opinion is teaching abuse. She should be judged.

The moms that follow her blindly should be as well. Then they should also get the support that they need.

I kind of liken it to Child Protective Services. Lets say you see a mom that is yelling at a baby. Some one under 6 months old. She is really loud, screaming at a defensless infant - in a food court - or maybe she tells you that she locks her child in the bathroom all night without supper until he poops in the potty (for hours on end), or that on Facebook you see that a mom says that she puts hot sauce on her toddlers mouth when he swears….. these are all reasons why CPS would be called…. but wait..is this judgement or is it looking out for someone who can not look out for themselves??

I believe it is the latter. Children need protection by the people in the society surrounding them. The society surrounding them uses judgement to assess whether a behaviour is acceptble or not.

So mommy's… there are three kinds of judgement; snap judgments, the judgement that you *percieve* (which may or may not actually be there) and the judgement that I hope that everyone does…every single day.

I know I do.


**added after being published - I also wanted to say that since I judge moms I expect judgement from moms as well. If I am harming my kids I *want* to be called on it. If we feel like everything we do as parents is not a regret - then we really *shouldn't* feel judgement - and have nothing to really worry about. IMO.

Screw the Books

As some of you may know I have been in this parenting journey for 5 years. Funny enough 5 years seems like a lifetime. Working with parents I am exposed to a lot of mommy judgement, not directed at me in particular but listening to moms conversations when I am setting up or taking down a class, trade fair, event etc.

And every single year new moms put their feet so far up their butts it is not even funny. They talk and gossip about how so-and -so and her kid is so this or so that. How the kid will be messed up, and how they will NEVER do that....

I know, I know! I did it too!! This is the sad part. We are so disconnected with our community that we don't even know it!! Imagine if you became friends with moms before you were pregnant...if we had an opportunity to learn rather than judge?

When I had my first son I had to run into a local baby store to grab a soother clip or something and left him in the car with my husband...he was 3 0r 4 months old. In the store there were these two moms having a conversation, one was holding her baby and the other had her (7 to 9 month old) baby sitting/crawling on the floor.

I can't tell you how disgusted I was. I mean that baby was on the dirty store floor!!! Gross.....laughable isnt it?!

My children would NEVER go on a gross floor like that....oh yes they would! And later when I had my third he would eat cheerios of said gross floor if it meant I could make a purchase with both hands!

The Feminist Breeder wrote a post recently about this phenomena. It's so true, each generation of mothers sits upon her high horse if only for a moment to be kicked off by her kid...maybe not kid #1, or #2 but at some point she will.

Reading every parenting book and following every class and doing everything that the "experts" say will NOT make your kids any less fucked up than they are going to be. It will just make you feel more depressed that you are doing it all *wrong*.

YOU ARE NOT DOING IT WRONG.

A Matter of Opinion.

I have been butting heads politically the last couple of days, I kind of find it humorous because "pre-kids" I wanted to be a politician. lol. Thank god that my children saved me from that! Anyway, the other funny thing is that it is friend politics and mommy group politics, so politics of the worst kind!! :)

I was trying to explain to a couple people that a respect of legacy is always to be followed when starting a new project, not that one thinks that they need a pat on the back, but a simple "we appreciate what you have done" should always be in order...or that is what I think anyway.

While discussing my viewpoints with another person (who is also a good friend, so this sucks) she said that "You are only one person, and you have opinions, but not everyone has the same opinions." Which is completely true. I do only have my own opinions, and you know what I could really really do without rocking the boat. I am a pretty easy going person and am quite easily satisfied, however, when people come to me and tell me what they are feeling I feel (maybe wrongly) that I should bring it up so that we can be more open and harmonious. So, while people *think* my opinion is my own, it isnt. Not at all. Especially not in the area in question.

The other thing that I wanted to point out, was that yes I have my own opinion, but the same can be said of this person...it is her opinion that my opinion doesnt have any merit. Again, while this may urk me, it doesn't really matter at my core whether or not she agrees with me, because I think that all people have a right to their own opinions, and the world would be super boring if we all agreed on the same thing. (and even best friends have difference of opinion.)

My issue is that she was alluding to the fact that the only people whose opinions matter are those that actively participate in the mommy group via the chat boards, or the in person playgroup. That is where I actually have the issue.

Some people do not participate because it does not give them what they need or what they are searching for. This does not mean that they need to be discounted, far from it. If you are not meeting the needs of all your constituents, then perhaps you should take a survey, figure why not, and fix it. Do not assume that they will just find something new, or a different tribe or something else.

It's kind of like the Birthing organization that I belong to; we learned that the vast number of women who were looking to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after C-section) were feeling unsupported by all levels...we did not assume that they would find a different magazine, or a different organization...we changed our policy to include more VBAC friendly stories and articles, because our mandate is to provide information to all women for an empowered birth.

Same should go with a parenting group who practices "attachment parenting" > which I learn more often than not that the principles that we hold dear and want to instill in our kids, we never ever treat other adults with the same principles.

Mothers....

This is kinda a reply to Kirsty's Post.
I came to the conclusion a long time ago that mothers are just women.
I had put moms on this pedestal, because they sacrifice for their little ones, and work all day everyday without pay to keep the house moving.
But, really, get them all in a room (or virtual room) with out kids and they all revert back.
The cool kids, the geeks, Leadership, drama, etc etc etc. It's like highschool really.
And yes, the judgement. (which is worse online). So when it comes to moderating that stuff, it just makes you tired, and even more judgy because you wonder why oh why cant they all just be secure in themselves? The answer...because we are women. :(
I am not saying that I am totally untouchable, because I have stirred some major $hat in my day, let me tell you, dear reader...I actually have a friend that I really got along with, and then I put my foot in my mouth and out my ass, and our relationship is still weird. (for me anyway...I dont know for her. And no, I am not sure if we have ever said sorry for the horrid things that went back and forth, and yes I was pregnant at the time....)
The point is that everyone says things they regret, and everyone judges, and why cant we just say sorry and move on?
Why must we hold on and beat a dead horse? (also, in a small AP community....you will see these same people forever!) ;)

Fall from Grace

I have learned alot these last few weeks/days. Things about myself, things about my friends, things about my peers, things about communities that I hold dear.
A couple weeks ago a friend of mine was treated very badly. To me the situation did not feel like it was rectified in a just or timely manner. Of course it was bogged down in office politics. I felt that it was my duty as a friend to step in and protect her character.
I am not the type of person that pussy foots, or plays office politics so I came right out and said what exactly had happened. Of course those playing the game were pissed, and when I tried to show them why I did what I did, I was shot down.
A shit disturber. A common gossip. I didn't really expect much else. (well I actually did, but now in hindsight I am not sure why).
The reason why all of this affected me so much is that I am an idealist. I really thought that the group of women that I converse and call my peers were better than highschoolers. I thought that as we grow older we are more compassionate, we have more knowledge, more integrity. I now know that is not the case.
No matter what group you belong to women are still that women. Catty, bitchy, and all that.
I had placed my Attachment Parenting counterparts on a somewhat higher level than all other women. That they would never treat another in their group with disrespect or callousness. I was shown that I was wrong, not once but time and time again.
I really learned from this. I learned not to be so idealistic. I learned not to place such high expectations on other women. I learned that people just want to believe what they believe regardless of the facts. (and this is why politics move so slowly as the Shit Disturber is the one who gets shot).
I have realized that I have placed too much time and effort into a group of people that I thought were just like me. Same morals, same values, same need for justice...I was really wrong. Just because these moms don't CIO and respond to their children's needs doesn't mean that they are like me.
I honestly think that few are. It's sad really. I feel alone alot. That I care so much about people and our human race and I get jilted again and again. Makes it hard to want to help. Just makes me feel like moving to an island somewhere with my family and letting the rest of the world to go to shit. (like it will anyway).
I do have wonderful friends from my AP community, and not all of the women need to be painted with the same brush, I am just feeling disenchanted with the world.
If my friends read this I want to thank them again for all of the unspoken/spoken support they have offered me. If not for them I would just move away and wash my hands of all the drama and bullshit...and most of all the hypocrisies.
I mean really, call me names...but really once you do that you are just being a shit disterber, a common gossip, a hypocrite.
ps. I know this is the most colourful language I have ever used on my blog, but this is my journal, and I am just writing what I feel. From the deepest part of my head and heart. Those who know me, know that I must be mad if I am swearing. lol