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Saturday, August 22, 2009

Hitting as Love

I met a women who also had two boys today. She really spoke to me in such a way that I felt we really connected on a personal level. I was explaining to her how I would become frustrated that my boys were hitting eachother so much and that I had hoped that they would show love and compassion to one another as I did not condone violence in my home.
She laughed and said, that men can not show compassion towards eachother. They can not show love. Well, not in the way that a woman shows love and compassion. If they did, they would then be ridiculed.
As she explained this to me, I started to cry. It was as if she had explained the bottom line fundamentals of boys and men. That they DO love and they DO feel compassion they just express it by hitting, and wrestling and the like.
She went on to say that little boys have a very different relationship with their brothers and their dads and fighting, or rough housing is a way that they express that they are feeling safe with that person. Safe enough to feel vulnerable enough to say, hey we can play at something that can really hurt, and I trust you not to hurt me, because I love you.
This explanation was pure perfection to me, and really made me look at my sons and the relationship that they have with eachother, with their dad and with me.
Boys are expected from a very young age to "man up" to "stop being a sissy" to "stop crying like a girl" and once we place all these restrictions on them they then have to find other acceptable ways to express their feelings. (unless of course they are in sports where bum tapping is okay, or crying after winning a big game.)
This mom really changed my viewpoint about fighting today, and I dont think she will ever know how truly grateful I am.


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