Social Media, Post Partum and My Life - An Ongoing Battle.

A few days ago I was offering advice on a Facebook group that I belong to about anxiety as a first time mom. This wasn't in any special group, another one of those mommy-clubs that are over represented on social media. This particular group is just a bunch of women who shared the same month of pregnancy; a due date club or what have you, nothing else other than the date of conception, morning sickness commiseration's, and the sharing of birth stories and milestones to keep the group a cohesive unit.

It's not that I needed to join another group of mothers, I have plenty of real life amazing girlfriends and a tribe within my own parenting circle of almost 10 years. However, for some reason I am drawn to the first time mom to help and support her. This is probably because I felt so alone and isolated when I, myself, was a first time mom.

As the story goes, I gave this mother some heartfelt advice and it was not well received. Since the invention of Facebook I have noticed new mothers are increasingly more unsure of their new life, maybe because we post statuses every couple hours and our whole lives are up for public scrutiny. I reached out to try and quell some fears that she had on illness, about this whole vaccine crisis, about how everything is risky, and we just have to live our lives well in spite of that. She disagreed vehemently with my viewpoint and it was actually some of the most hurtful words that have ever been thrown my way. This may have been from fear, insecurity or just anger - I am not sure really; but it has profoundly changed the way that I think about myself at the moment.

I have been struggling with post partum depression for a while, and I find that my viewpoint of myself is really coloured by ppd. It's hard to tell what are normal feelings and which ones are exacerbated by the illogical side effects of depression. On a regular day this would have been water off my back, but because of my ppd I have been stressing about it, over analysing and over thinking 2 paragraphs of hurtful comments that happened over a week ago.

This one chance encounter really made me look at why I participate in these online mommy groups, and why I feel that I should be giving advice to people who don't want it, didn't ask for it, and probably really don't need it from some random stranger online. I know that I go into a helping mode so that I don't have to pay attention to the insecurities and fears that I have surrounding my own abilities as a mother. That for me the internet is somewhere to hide when my depression is all encompassing and incredibly hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's somewhere that I can distract myself from the chaos that surrounds me and try and help those who look like they need support when I can't figure out how to support myself.  

This mother told me in not so many words to fuck off, that she hadn't asked for my advice. That I am self-centered and condescending. Patronising even. Pretty much the exact opposite of what I try to be in my life. 

I am not sure if I would have taken it so much to heart if I wasn't in the midst of post-partum, but her words cut so deep to the core that it is hard to get past them. The logical part of my brain tells me that this is insane to continue to feel anxiety and sadness over this as it is just one woman who I don't even know in real life. Just a random mom on the internet with a difference of opinion. Just like me.  I can't help but wonder if she lashed out because of her fears and her insecurities or if it really is a case of me putting my nose where it really shouldn't have been. (as I have been guilty of the latter before.)

All I know is that perhaps my time to help the insecure and frightened mothers online is really a losing battle. It's not for the faint of heart and truth be told I am much too sensitive. I can't take many attacks to my vulnerable spirit. The torch must be passed on and as much as I would like to think that new mothers want the advice that older more experienced mothers have - it's not really so. I remember as a first time mom how much I thought I already knew, and wasn't really open to getting any advice even though I was so desperately lonely and really needed someone to hold my hand.

It's only when you have been a mother for a while do you see value in those that came before. 

This isn't to say that I won't continue to help mothers in need of validation or support as that would go against my very nature. However, I am going to focus on the people I interact with on a real life basis and leave the Facebook couch psychology realm for some other mother/ activist
who is not so burnt out and who doesn't need the support herself. 

So as with everything, this was a wake up call to get my spirit out of the Facebook world where it can so easily get trampled and place it back into my body where it belongs. I guess I should be grateful for that. 

Don't Fear the White Coat.

We all have those moments when you feel like you should win mommy of the year. Well at least I do, but it seems to happen more in my house than in other peoples houses.
Anyway, last week I would have definitely been in the running.

Offending Product. :P

I was outside lawnmowering (is that a word) as I wanted to help out my husband and our lawn looked like crap - and here in suburbia that is just not okay.
So there I am working this 100 year old gas powered lawnmower.
My eldest son (7) comes outside with freezies. He screams, "CAN I HAVE ONE?"
"NO" I yell back. (not wanting to turn off the mower for fear that it won't start up again).
"WHAT?!" he yells.
"AFTER I AM DONE!!!" I yell back.
He disappears into the house and comes back out with an open freezie.
I think to myself, "little (you know what). Oh well, at least he probably opened them for his brothers too, and this will keep them all quiet." I continue to push the mower through my 10 inch grass.

Next thing I know I see my littlest one (2) come out side and he has what looks to be berry juice on his hand…but he is crying and holding it up…so I am confused and think, "what the heck is that?!" turn off the mower and sprint to the baby. I look at his hand and try to contain the vomit in my mouth - his finger is cut so deep that you can see the fat and muscle inside. INSIDE his finger.
I grab him and run to the bathroom to wash it off and put pressure on it - but I know in my gut that this is going to need medical attention.

I scream to locate my other two children who have miraculously disappeared for the moment. No answer. I scream again. The eldest shows up and I start yelling about the baby - he starts to wail, "It was my fault. I should have been watching him…" As I try to convince the oldest that no, it is in fact mommy's fault and try to figure out what happened while still screaming for the middle child - I start to think how am I going to get all these kids to emerg and WHAT are we going to do for 8 hrs.
The middle child shows up. (4yrs). "What happened to E?" I ask. "I stabbed him." R repiles…and looks at me with this grin that only a sociopath can make. "WHAT?!?" I yell. I then start to yell obscenities to anyone within earshot - possibly scarring my children for years to come and send them to their rooms so that I do not do any more emotional damage.

I text my husband - "You need to come home NOW. We have to go to the hospital."
So I take the baby and sit on the front step ready to go to the hospital.
My husband arrives 5 mins later.
"What happened?" He asks.
"R said he stabbed him." I wail, "Look at his finger!!"
My husband (the firemedic) looks casually at his finger and goes, "ah ya, those will need stitches. I will get the kids ready." and calmly walks in the door.
He appears 5 mins later with both boys ready to go and says to me, "They found the knife on the floor, a pairing knife, (used to cut open freezies) and R held the plastic end and E grabbed the cutting edge and E lost that fight."
Enter the mommy guilt. Of course I was already feeling it - but if I had just cut open the damn freezies…. and then my husband goes, "What were you doing?"
I reply, "Lawnmowering."
He replies, "The grass is wet… you don't use the lawnmower when the grass is wet… that is why is isn't done."
So not only did my "helpfulness" lead to a mortal wound of my child's finger - it was also unnecessary.

Nice.

Poor Guy

We went to the ER and he had 3 stitches put in. My competence as a parent was only questioned momentarily until they realized that I had 3 small boys and then they pitied me.
The actual stitching was the most traumatic part as they had to swaddle him and hold him down. They do a topical but babies don't realize that they can't feel it and so he screamed and screamed. (that was enough for me to lock my knives away forever.

I wanted the boys to watch, to see what happens when you don't listen to your mom…but the doctor refused and said that it was way too traumatic. In hindsight I am glad that she refused me - because it probably would have been, I just didn't want my boys to think that any of this was "cool" in any way.

However, E is pretty proud of his scar.

Mommy Judgement

I have been thinking a lot on mommy judgement as of late as a couple articles that have come out in the last couple days (one that I wrote) and another have caused quite a debate in the mommy world.

We speak about how when people know better they do better, and that everyone will find a way that works for their family, and how judgement fuels the mommy wars - and it does, but that doesn't mean that all moms need to stop judging.

Wait…did I just say that you *should* judge? Wasn't my last post all about *not* judging…am I contradicting myself? I would say no, because I personally believe that there are different kinds of judgement, and different degrees of how one should be judged.

Let me give you some examples.

I wrote an article on being a "sometimes" single parent. This is when mom or dad is out of town for work on a regular basis. It talked about coping techniques and how to keep your family whole when one is obviously missing. When I posted about it a couple friends of mine were completely insulted that I would write about being a single parent when I am not one. (but the article wasn't about that) I feel as if I was judged very harshly - without any real information gathered. Neither of them had actually read the article so they were just putting their perception of what they *thought* I had written and judged me for it.

This is not a nice way to judge moms.

Another would be judging a mom on how she goes about the day to day of raising her kids. Judging them on what they eat, what they wear or how they dress. We can also go into where the baby sleeps, what they do for a living etc. etc. These are normal judgments that run rampant in society - and really shouldnt matter. Every single person is judging you. Watching you. Looking at what you are doing. They are called snap judgments and to try and get people above this - especially when they are looking for connections (like in mommy groups) is almost impossible. Unless you are a devout spiritual person... I would say that everyone has these type of judgments.

As a side, these are the judgments that I fall prey to the most. I fret about how I look and how my kids look to the outside world on a regular basis…it is why there are brushes and wipes in my car at all times.

This isn't a nice way to judge people either but this one is more of a *perception* at any given moment people may or may not be actually judging you - and for the most part these are judgments that you have about yourself - remember my last post (own your choice).

The third judgement is where the second article landed on. A parent "expert" consistantly tells parents to let their children cry themselves to sleep and not check on them for extended periods of time from 2 months on.. (or 12lbs - which ever comes first). Anyway, she felt judged by parents who did not believe in her methods and other parents who use these methods also feel judged (albeit maybe having not used the extreme methods that she subscribes to).

Isn't this a good judgment? If someone is doing something that is harmful to another person, or preying on people when they are in a vulerable state…isnt this when we *should* judge?
To me advocating that an infant under 8 weeks should be left for 12 hrs at night with no exceptions is abuse…and so this expert in my opinion is teaching abuse. She should be judged.

The moms that follow her blindly should be as well. Then they should also get the support that they need.

I kind of liken it to Child Protective Services. Lets say you see a mom that is yelling at a baby. Some one under 6 months old. She is really loud, screaming at a defensless infant - in a food court - or maybe she tells you that she locks her child in the bathroom all night without supper until he poops in the potty (for hours on end), or that on Facebook you see that a mom says that she puts hot sauce on her toddlers mouth when he swears….. these are all reasons why CPS would be called…. but wait..is this judgement or is it looking out for someone who can not look out for themselves??

I believe it is the latter. Children need protection by the people in the society surrounding them. The society surrounding them uses judgement to assess whether a behaviour is acceptble or not.

So mommy's… there are three kinds of judgement; snap judgments, the judgement that you *percieve* (which may or may not actually be there) and the judgement that I hope that everyone does…every single day.

I know I do.


**added after being published - I also wanted to say that since I judge moms I expect judgement from moms as well. If I am harming my kids I *want* to be called on it. If we feel like everything we do as parents is not a regret - then we really *shouldn't* feel judgement - and have nothing to really worry about. IMO.

Formula vs Breastfeeding : A rant

This is an response to Breast Feeding vs Formula : A Rant. 


I am getting so tired of this. Blog after blog after blog of formula feeding moms that have to set the record straight about how they feel persecuted by the breastfeeding police. That they were somehow judged somewhere and some how by some horrible LLL leader or "breastfeeding Nazi". (btw - this term is horribly offensive and disrespectful to the people who have survived the holocaust and those affected by it. - more on that later.)


Why is it that when a mom asks for support or encouragement for breastfeeding issues she gets an onslaught of
             
I went through this and eventually had to switch to formula, with both babies, it was very discouraging and I felt like a failure, but sometimes our bodies just can't give our babies what they need. YOu obviously are trying and love your baby and that's what is most important. Keep on trying and if it doesn't work out, know that you tried everything you could, you are still a great mom who wants what's best for your baby!


I have been to various lactation consultants and the LaLeche League. I hate to say this but I found LLL a little judgmental. One of the ladies there told me it's a urban myth that a woman can't produce enough milk. That I just was not committed enough. At that point I decided to try and go it myself. I don't feel like anyone should be judged for the choices they make and are already struggling with on a daily basis.


I know how you are feeling...people make you feel so guilty. My body did not produce enough milk for my Son and I had to supplement since he was losing weight. I found it so exhausting, breastfeeding, then the bottle, then pumping. Then it was time to feed again. At 7 weeks my husband finally said while I was pumping and getting nothing, "Don't feel guilty if you want to stop" After I stopped I enjoyed being a new Mom so much more. My Son is almost 2 now and is a happy healthy boy!


Each one of these posts says that they tried and were *unsuccessful* at breastfeeding. Each one. So, how is that encouraging to the mom asking the question? 


I bring this up because there seems to be a real double standard when it comes to formula feeding moms and moms who use breastmilk.  Now I would argue along with The Feminist Breeder that formula feeding is not necessarily a "choice"… but lets argue for a moment that you think it is. One *chooses* to feed formula and one *chooses* to feed breastmilk. Okay. Now, why is it that when ever there is a question on breastfeeding it is taken as an excuse to explain how hard it is and how formula *saved the baby's life* but a breastfeeding mom can't be proud of her accomplishment? Does that somehow make her judgemental of a formula feeding mom? Just because she succeeded at getting milk to come out of her breasts?? 


Another question was posed on Today Moms facebook page asking about how long people had exclusively breastfed for, and what helped them, and what could have helped them even more…. the responses again were not very supportive of breastfeeding…. 


Some babies just don't take to it well and at the end of the day the health and well-being of your child should be more important than you being able to say you exclusively breastfed.



Nothing would have helped. I never lactated at all, not even colostrum. Fortunately, I didn't have any stupid hang ups about it and happily gave my kids formula.


I really wanted to breast feed but from day one my daughter wasn't having it. Pumping is just not the same and doesn't produce milk the same way if that's all your doing. I pumped for about two months then went all the way to formula.


 I did it for 3 months. Never had enough due to death threatening complications when I had my daughter. So I'm VERY thankful for bottles and "the fake powder stuff" like Amy calls it. Two centuries ago my daughter and I would've been dead if it not were for the advancements in medicine.


Are we noticing a trend yet?? 


And then to the Blog in question. This particular blog was written in response to a twitter party with a formula manufacturer giving away free swag being shut down because they were afraid of the backlash from the "lactivist" community. (doesn't that say something right there? The formula company cancelled it on their own because they were afraid of what exactly??)


Anyway, this mom, felt the need to post because she felt that the moms who *choose* formula should get free swag too. (and sure, yes they should). But, the thing is that formula companies are horrible in their marketing practices and they don't really care about you once they have gotten you - I mean just look at the recalls…. they want that NEW mom. That mom who is struggling and LOOKING for SUPPORT - and then they swoop in on their white horse and give her a free sample and *save her baby's life*. 


How is that ethical? 


And so blog posts standing up for the *choice* of formula and saying things like - "You don’t think it crosses our mind that, if it weren’t for formula, our babies would die? Do you think that feels good?"  …are just lining the pockets of the food giants.


What about milk sharing, or milk banks?? (but that is another post entirely).


So when a mom who is really only invested in the health and wellness of another mother and child - mental health as well, has NO ulterior motive…no bottom line…they get mud slung at them - 


unfreakingbelievable. Seriously? And what would these breast milk nazis have done for MY children, when my breast milk didn't contain enough fatty nutrition and I was forced to use formula so that my kids didn't starve to death? When the hell will self righteous bitches learn to mind their own damn business, take care of their own brats as opposed to telling us how to take care of ours? I'm with you on this one, T. This is god damn INFURIATING.



What is infuriating to me is that it seems like if you formula feed you can pretty much say whatever you want and not really get held accountable. You can call activists "Nazis" and it is socially acceptable… You can make a societal issue all about you and not really understand the politics and money behind the issue and blame it all on judgement. 


Basically, you can run your mouth about support and judgement and then turn around and do the EXACT same thing to a mom who is wanting to or actually breastfeeding…. 


Why can we not see the hypocrisy here and why do we allow it to continue?? 


If you truly *chose* to formula feed. i.e.) had an adequate supply of milk, a ton of support, no issues at all and THEN decided that you wanted to formula feed for convenience - as this is the ONLY way that I think it is actually a *choice* then seriously. OWN YOUR CHOICE - and don't feel guilty or defensive because it was YOUR CHOICE.


And moms that tried to breastfeed but could not for whatever reason. Get angry at the medical professionals who failed you. Get angry at your genetics. Get angry at our society for not supporting you. Get angry at the formula companies that undermined you at every turn… but STOP taking it out on other mothers who tried and for whatever reason were lucky at it. Praise them. Look up to them…you wanted to breastfed right? you tried right?? so why the hate for those who made it? 


Stop with the judgement, the name calling and defensiveness…if you want support, start giving it. 




ps. before you start to throw mud at me - my first born was formula fed - and guess what?? He is not *fine*. He has allergies, sleeping issues, and hyperactivity tendencies…. hmmm…the anecdotal evidence didn't work there did it? 

You know you are a mother when….

Today was one of those days. The days that just keep kicking you even when you are down.
It started when I decided (for the first time in 3 weeks) to go to bed early. My littlest still sleeps in the family bed, so I happily climbed in all ready to get some much needed sleep - when he woke up.
He sometimes wakes for a couple minutes, so I patted him down and he fell back asleep.

And then woke up. Again, and again, and again. He woke up every hour from 11pm to 5am… He is night weaned and has been sleeping through the night for months (at 23 months old). It was a rough night!!

But, we mothers can function on very little sleep so I got up and went about my day. I let my middle child pour the milk for his cereal (training him to do it himself) and he spilled the whole thing…It was okay - no need to cry over spilt milk - but my cleaning list started to grow from that point.

We went to feed our fish. Three little guppies that we were growing attached to - and of course, "why is that one upside down??" and of course it *had* to be K's as he is the most sensitive one. Lots of talking and lots of tears later, and lots of WHY questions… we said goodbye to the spotted one.

After the tragedy they were playing very nicely, little fights here and there, however they would not leave the kitchen and had me tripping over them time and time out. I was starting to get frustrated. I remembered that they seem to act out more on a weekend when dad is not home - so I sucked it up, and found them work to do.

I decided to send them outside to play so that I could finish the kitchen. Just as I put my youngest in his snow gear he pooped. I picked him up and went upstairs to change him (of course I had just run out of diaper liners - and so now my cleaning list grew some more as this particular cloth diaper needed some TLC.

As I was putting a freshly clean cloth diper on his bum, my middle child came in the room. I asked him if he went pee (as he was entering the bathroom as I headed up the stairs). He said, yes that he had gone pee. But that he wanted to be like E. (the youngest). I asked him - how so? He told me that he pooped in his pants. He is 4. Has been potty trained for a year. I said, you want to poop in your pants? He replied, no I pooped in my pants to be like E.

I would like to say that I stayed calm, but I was pretty irritated that he would purposefully poop in his pants (adding more to the cleaning list). I took him to the bathroom and sure enough a kid sized poop was in his pants. I put him on the potty and left the room…taking a parent time out. (He finished on the potty and I praised and smiled…and the grumbled to myself while cleaning now the potty and the pants.)

They went outside. The day continued. They came back in. Wanted to paint.

We painted. They made a collosial mess… paint on the floor and the walls… apparently they like to wave their hands a lot when excited.

Cleaned up, went downstairs - ate popcorn, watched a movie. (emotionally scarred R - the middle - UP is too intense for him.)

Left the TV on for 15 mins while I re-heated the pizzas in the oven and came down to E - sleeping at 6:30pm… 7 was usually his bedtime, and I panicked. Not wanting him to miss dinner and not wanting to be up all night - I woke him…..he didnt eat dinner anyway….

Bed for the big two at 8pm….E didnt go down until 10pm… that cat nap sure gave him a second wind.

Just as I got E to sleep, K - the big one, calls me into his room.. I walk in and he goes, "mom, my neck feels funny." I say, "oh?" and walk over to feel it. Not a moment after my hand is on his neck he starts to gag and projectiles in my direction. I pick up the closest thing to me - which is a basket - and he fills it with regurgetated popcorn and pizza. I gag, he gags again and continues.

After he is done, I carry him to the bathroom and place him on the toilet. I go and strip his bed (look more cleaning!!) and thow it in the wash. I look at the basket.

It's a wicker basket that I use to collect their toys that they leave in my living room. It sits on my stairs and then at the end of the day is brought up into their rooms to empty….so this one - full of puke - also had ALL of the toys that he loves the MOST!

I take the basket into the bathroom dump it in the sink - fill the sink with water and gag - and gag- and gag - and start to *fish* out Lego Minifigures…. Luke, Darth Vader, and Ninjagos and floating in stomach contents.

It is in that moment that I think about how *only* a mom would do this. No one else would sift through vomit to save beloved toys. And as he sat on the toilet he kept asking in a panicked voice - "you are not losing them down the drain are you??"

I wish that was the end - but it is not…he puked again…and I had to strip the bed again, and throw stuff in the wash again - and as I write this I can hear him retching…..it is going to be a long long long night….

Sigh. (but this *is* my job.)

Natural Birth

So this is another Ranty post - surprise, surprise. The thing that I love most about my blog is that I can pretty much say anything that I like because this is my space, and my opinions really only matter to me.

Ie) you can choose not to read it if you feel that you will be offended.

I posted on my wall about the Beyonce debacle, and how one statement says that she had and elective caesarian and then another statement came out and said that it was a natural birth.

First thing is first, I really do not care how Beyonce had her baby. I don't know her personally and the fact that it was on everyone of my feeds yesterday irritated me…just a little…

So I commented that if there is ONE person in the world who can have a natural elective c-section that would be Beyonce Knowles.

Apparently my humor was lost on a whole bunch of people and I was again called out for judging some poor defenceless woman…. lets start here shall we? If you think that you do not judge people you are a liar. EVERYONE judges people. That is what human beings do. You judge based on status symbols, fashion, the way they talk, what they eat, what their kids eat. I find it completely hypocritical that I am constantly told "not to judge" on my facebook… screw off. I am going to.

Number 2. It is not all about you. Guess what? I KNOW that C sections CAN be necessary. I also know of a whole bunch that ARE NOT! But, if you had one, you will probably think that it was the emergency kind…. but NOT every c section is an emergency. We know this to be true. How do we know this? Study after study after study that shows that once a woman goes into the hospital and accepts intervention her risk for C-birth go up. Every time.

So my comment about the c-birth got into a conversation about how every birth is natural, and how no birth is un-natural….. um… surgery IS NOT natural. period. cutting into a woman's abdomen and then removing her uterus, placing it on her stomach, cutting it open, cutting the amniotic sack open, and then taking out the baby, and cutting his cord, and pulling out the placenta through the hole in the woman IS NOT NATURAL.

So I said the PC version of this and was called out as being "so superior" because I had 3 .. you guessed it.. natural births - no drugs, no interventions, out of my vagina…where babies NATURALLY come from….

And then gets into the whole discussion of "If you have a c-section tell every single person your horror story" vs. "If you have a natural birth keep it to yourself because not everyone can have a birth like yours"

Double standard.

I was not there in the hospital/ birthing room, and it is not my fault that your birth did/did not go as planned… so let me have my judgements (a joke for goodness sake) about celebrities and also to celebrate my birth because God Damnit! I worked fricken hard to push those babies out and have the war wounds to prove it!!

A Penny in Hand...and Mouth

I almost lost my baby to a penny. One cent. A worthless, useless, peice of copper (and lead) that my older child(ren) had left on the floor. You know the saying, "Find a penny, pick it up and all day you will have good luck."

No. Not at all.

I saw the baby had something in his mouth. (as he always does), and was aruging with my older two to stay in bed, as they had gotten out for the millionth time. (which they also do when daddy is not home).

I slammed the door, told them to stay in bed, and put the baby on the floor to change his bum.

As I was changing him, I remembered about the item in his mouth which I thought was LEGO; since we have a TON of that laying around the house.

He looked at me and giggled as I lifted him up to remove the object, at that moment he laughed and choked. I panicked.

I could hear that it has gotten stuck, so I put him across my knees and did the back blows that I was taught by my husband when a child is choking. No use. He just kept coughing and crying. I thought at least it wasnt in his airway.

I called my husband and asked what to do, and then got a lecture from a very irate firefighter/paramedic that told me that he could not assess our son as he was over the phone. So I hung up and called our 24 hour health service.

At this time the baby had stopped crying, but my mommy gut was still going off. As I explained all the symptoms to the nurse, drooling, not nursing, not eating etc... she asked me to give him a sip of water, which I did and caused him to go into fits of coughing again.

She told me to drive to the closest hospital immideately. (I should have called the ambulance at this point).

I called my mom to come over and watch the other two children and got dressed, me and the baby (as we had been in pjs), and while I was putting him into his car seat my mom pulled in.

I got in the car and sped the whole way (yes, not safe) to the hospital.

As I was driving I could hear him struglling, and gurgling, so I started to panic. It took me 15 minutes to get there from my house... (it usually takes more like 25).

I pulled into short term parking, looked at the pay meter, decided to check on the baby first...I opened the van door and he was covered in drool and vomit. It was like he was foaming at the mouth. (a sign of airway obstruction).

He did not look good.

I decided to skip the payment for parking and RAN him into the ER. Right up to the front. Waited 2 minutes while they were doing paperwork, and then was called to the window.

As soon as I got there I started bawling.

I explained what had happened and they took him into the back. As soon as we got a bed the tirage nurse called a code and 2 doctors and 3 nurses came running in.

I lost it. I felt like the worst mother of the year. So mad at myself for not being more vigalent about toys on the floor.

They gave him an Xray and stabilzed him. (apparently if he was on his back or on an incline - like a car seat, it exacerbated the problem).

I was shocked when I saw it was a coin.

Wedged in the collarbone area, side ways. So he could breathe when upright but not able to drink, or eat.

I was told to grab my car seat out of the van and then we were transported to the Children's hospital in the area by Ambulance, lights and sirens.

Once we got there we got a room in the ER and waited until 4 am for a bed to open up. He was not allowed to eat or drink so I kept him in the sling (Thank Goodness I Brought the Sling!!) which made him think it was nap time.

We were told that we had a bed and so we went up and I was shown a bed....for him.

Which makes sense. But we are cosleepers, and there was NO way that he would ever sleep in a crib for the first time in a hospital!

So we slept in a chair.

The things we do for our kids. I slept sideways with my feet over the edge. They were so numb when I woke up an hour later that I thought about calling a nurse!

We waited for 12 hours in all for day surgery.

They took him from me and put him out and then used an endoscope and a pair of itty bitty forcepts to take the offending penny out. The whole procedure was less than an hour.

But the LONGEST hour of my life so far.

After he woke up he nursed and we had to wait an hour to get discharged.

We (my mom who had come to be with me for the surgery) drove back to the first hospital where my van was (no ticket!!) and then I jumped out and drove it home.

I am keeping the penny forever. I am going to make it into a peice of jewlery.

A friend of mine stayed with my older boys to help out, and we had many people ask how we were doing.

He was fine, no worse for wear. Happy as a clam at the hospital, with me, snuggled in my sling. I on the other hand was an emotional wreck and now hyper sensitive to anything on my floor.

I guess that is what happens when a penny almost takes your child away from you....it also readjusts your priorities, and the way that you look at things in life.

How something so small, so useless, so worthless could have *killed* my son. Taken him away from me forever.

ps. a penny is as corosive as a battery when in the human body. THROW your pennys AWAY!!

pps. ALL of the health care personelle were amazing. All of them. So understanding, supportive and caring. For such a horrible incident for me and my family they made it feel better. I will be forever grateful to the men and women who worked in both ER's, surgery and Patient Transfer forever.

Thoughts

I was talking to a couple good friends about the previous post. I have gone through many different thoughts on how to deal with it. I guess it comes down to three.
1. Get over it. (which I am inclined to do.) Just ignore the drama and get on with my life.
2. Blast it all over, (which I am not interested in doing), this just makes her feel like she has power because she has made me mad.
3. Call her on it. (hmmm.) This may actually be an idea. Actually ask her what the problem is, so that we can move on.
That might be a good idea...it wouldnt be a bad thing to get over it. :)
But then, this shows her that I actually care and I really dont.

So back to square one.

Doesnt it seem like we are really back in highschool?

True Friends.

I have been struggling with this post. I have been enraged, outraged, and overtly pissed off for the last couple days and have been trying to formulate what type of blog post I wanted to write. While still wanting to keep people anonymous, and keeping a level head.
I am not the type of person who goes off the handle on a regular basis, even though I am still quite young, and have had older people tell me that I am en-passioned. However, there are a couple things that make my blood boil, and cause me to rise in action.
Truth, Justice, Compassion, the Greater Good, Honesty.
If you live your life according to these values we will get along, no problem. I know that sometimes moms can have off days, and hey I have them too, so I always try to see all sides of a story and figure out all angles, and also give the person the benefit of the doubt....even to my detriment as my mom would point out.
So where am I going with this.....
Let's just say that I have a group of friends, ones that I know well, and others that I dont know as well...and there is a certain person within this group that has decided upon herself not to like me at all. Now, in a professional capacity, I can work with this woman. In a personal one, not so much....but then do we have to like every single person we meet, and for that matter, just because we share the fact that we parent the same way, are both women, and both had children come out of our bodies, does not best friends make....I digress...
So anyway, we dont see eye-to-eye, bottom line. And I dont really think the whole world or a group of friends for that matter should be brought in to it. Dragged through the drama....(which, coincedentally seems to follow me like a black cloud recently.)
Bottom line is that she is making these friends choose between me and her. Like we are in high school or something! And I am getting pressure to yield and make amends...for what exactly?
It's not that my friends are being dragged through this, when I never wanted them to in the first place, its not that I actually care that she dislikes me so much that she can not stand to be on the same world wide web as me, let alone at a social function...however, she can talk to me at a professional level....what pisses me off the most is that she has called my friendships in to question.
Not following..... lets go back to here. This is the single most defining moment for me as a woman. To realize that even though we age, we grow babies, we raise children in a caring matter, that some women never grow up and high school lasts forever....so why is this particular post have any relevance to this one?
Back then, I stood up for my friend. I put my whole heart, soul, reputaion on the line for her because I felt that she was being treated unjustly.
I told others, and strained friendships that I had made, because I stood up for her.
Now the same thing is happening to me. And I am honestly afraid that these women, these moms that I trust to be honest with me, and truthful, will bend to the will of one, and I will be shunned, and that will show me that no - one really has my back, and that I am some sort of anomoly that will continually put herself on the line for other people with no reciprocation at all.
It's not like I would actually ask these women to do this for me, as I think even in asking brings me down to the level of a high schooler. Also, there is enough drama happening that, really, what would be the point? And it would just fracture more relationships for no reason.....
But, it makes me sad, and melancolic, to think....who, who really, has my back?

Fall from Grace

I have learned alot these last few weeks/days. Things about myself, things about my friends, things about my peers, things about communities that I hold dear.
A couple weeks ago a friend of mine was treated very badly. To me the situation did not feel like it was rectified in a just or timely manner. Of course it was bogged down in office politics. I felt that it was my duty as a friend to step in and protect her character.
I am not the type of person that pussy foots, or plays office politics so I came right out and said what exactly had happened. Of course those playing the game were pissed, and when I tried to show them why I did what I did, I was shot down.
A shit disturber. A common gossip. I didn't really expect much else. (well I actually did, but now in hindsight I am not sure why).
The reason why all of this affected me so much is that I am an idealist. I really thought that the group of women that I converse and call my peers were better than highschoolers. I thought that as we grow older we are more compassionate, we have more knowledge, more integrity. I now know that is not the case.
No matter what group you belong to women are still that women. Catty, bitchy, and all that.
I had placed my Attachment Parenting counterparts on a somewhat higher level than all other women. That they would never treat another in their group with disrespect or callousness. I was shown that I was wrong, not once but time and time again.
I really learned from this. I learned not to be so idealistic. I learned not to place such high expectations on other women. I learned that people just want to believe what they believe regardless of the facts. (and this is why politics move so slowly as the Shit Disturber is the one who gets shot).
I have realized that I have placed too much time and effort into a group of people that I thought were just like me. Same morals, same values, same need for justice...I was really wrong. Just because these moms don't CIO and respond to their children's needs doesn't mean that they are like me.
I honestly think that few are. It's sad really. I feel alone alot. That I care so much about people and our human race and I get jilted again and again. Makes it hard to want to help. Just makes me feel like moving to an island somewhere with my family and letting the rest of the world to go to shit. (like it will anyway).
I do have wonderful friends from my AP community, and not all of the women need to be painted with the same brush, I am just feeling disenchanted with the world.
If my friends read this I want to thank them again for all of the unspoken/spoken support they have offered me. If not for them I would just move away and wash my hands of all the drama and bullshit...and most of all the hypocrisies.
I mean really, call me names...but really once you do that you are just being a shit disterber, a common gossip, a hypocrite.
ps. I know this is the most colourful language I have ever used on my blog, but this is my journal, and I am just writing what I feel. From the deepest part of my head and heart. Those who know me, know that I must be mad if I am swearing. lol