Standing your Ground

As soon as you announce that you are expecting the advice starts. Everyone wants to tell you what to expect for your pregnancy, your birth and parenting in general. At first you may welcome the comments because you would like to learn as much as you can.

As the weeks go by, you start to form a construct of who you will be as a mother. You will take some advice while completely disregarding other advice that does not fit in with your birth plan or parenting style. Some people have no issue telling others that they disagree, but many new mothers feel that they must listen. They may believe that what they are hearing is true because they have no experience of their own to reference. I am here to tell you that you are the best parenting expert there is regarding your child.

At some point you will encounter people whose positions on birth and parenting you do not agree with. It can happen in a prenatal or playgroup class, or with close family and friends. While you have no obligation to listen to what the people in these classes say, it can be more difficult when the contrary advice comes from your inner circle. It may feel more personal and that makes it more difficult to brush the comments aside.

When facing disagreements, it is always good to be as informed as possible. Information is the first tool we can use to diffuse a disagreement. It makes it easier to explain why you are following the path less traveled. Know your position and the facts around it and you will feel more confident with your choice.

For our parents, it was normal to give a baby a bottle filled with pabulum at bedtime, and put them on their tummies to sleep. It was the best information parents had at the time. We would not do that with our children now. The pediatric advice has changed in 30 years because we know more. So although Grandma may think that they old way is the proven way, we can show her and others that recommendations are not the same now and we can tell them why.

Moms do not need to be defensive or disagreeable. By showing the information in black and white you can get others on board. There are lots of resources in the community for new moms including naturopaths, midwives, and doctors who can all help when talking about food or sleep related issues. There are also parenting books on every topic available at the library. If you are close enough, you can suggest a book to the other person so you can discuss the issue once they have read about it.

The most important thing for a new mom is to find support. Seek out likeminded people who believe in the same ideas that you do. Just having a support network of other moms will do wonders for your own personal convictions. You can find a variety of parenting groups through the Birth Unlimited resource guide or on the Internet. Get out of the house and meet people. You may think that you are the only one who believes in your choices, like vaginal water birth at home with midwives, but that is not the case. There are many, many moms and dads that believe the same things you do. You just have to find them.

Finding your support network will be the first step in to being more confident in your choices. Educating yourself will be the second. If you are confident in the choices that you are making, then people will be less likely to challenge you on them. Have a united front with your partner and keep your cool. Recognize that not all things are or have to be open for discussion. You can tell your friends and family to respect your decisions and that you will not discuss it anymore. Be strong and use your support network to build your confidence.

Remember, your birth and parenting choices primarily affect your immediate family unit. It is not your mother or your mother in law who will be woken up in the middle of the night. It is you. So make decisions that work for your family. Doing what is in your heart as best for your family is all you can do.

You are human and your positions may change as you encounter life changes. The key is to believe in what you are doing and be informed. Never feel guilty for doing your best. Do not stress over every comment sent your way. Your children will love you because you love them. And really isn’t that all that matters in the end?

**originally published in Birthing Magazine Summer 2009

Thoughts

I was talking to a couple good friends about the previous post. I have gone through many different thoughts on how to deal with it. I guess it comes down to three.
1. Get over it. (which I am inclined to do.) Just ignore the drama and get on with my life.
2. Blast it all over, (which I am not interested in doing), this just makes her feel like she has power because she has made me mad.
3. Call her on it. (hmmm.) This may actually be an idea. Actually ask her what the problem is, so that we can move on.
That might be a good idea...it wouldnt be a bad thing to get over it. :)
But then, this shows her that I actually care and I really dont.

So back to square one.

Doesnt it seem like we are really back in highschool?

True Friends.

I have been struggling with this post. I have been enraged, outraged, and overtly pissed off for the last couple days and have been trying to formulate what type of blog post I wanted to write. While still wanting to keep people anonymous, and keeping a level head.
I am not the type of person who goes off the handle on a regular basis, even though I am still quite young, and have had older people tell me that I am en-passioned. However, there are a couple things that make my blood boil, and cause me to rise in action.
Truth, Justice, Compassion, the Greater Good, Honesty.
If you live your life according to these values we will get along, no problem. I know that sometimes moms can have off days, and hey I have them too, so I always try to see all sides of a story and figure out all angles, and also give the person the benefit of the doubt....even to my detriment as my mom would point out.
So where am I going with this.....
Let's just say that I have a group of friends, ones that I know well, and others that I dont know as well...and there is a certain person within this group that has decided upon herself not to like me at all. Now, in a professional capacity, I can work with this woman. In a personal one, not so much....but then do we have to like every single person we meet, and for that matter, just because we share the fact that we parent the same way, are both women, and both had children come out of our bodies, does not best friends make....I digress...
So anyway, we dont see eye-to-eye, bottom line. And I dont really think the whole world or a group of friends for that matter should be brought in to it. Dragged through the drama....(which, coincedentally seems to follow me like a black cloud recently.)
Bottom line is that she is making these friends choose between me and her. Like we are in high school or something! And I am getting pressure to yield and make amends...for what exactly?
It's not that my friends are being dragged through this, when I never wanted them to in the first place, its not that I actually care that she dislikes me so much that she can not stand to be on the same world wide web as me, let alone at a social function...however, she can talk to me at a professional level....what pisses me off the most is that she has called my friendships in to question.
Not following..... lets go back to here. This is the single most defining moment for me as a woman. To realize that even though we age, we grow babies, we raise children in a caring matter, that some women never grow up and high school lasts forever....so why is this particular post have any relevance to this one?
Back then, I stood up for my friend. I put my whole heart, soul, reputaion on the line for her because I felt that she was being treated unjustly.
I told others, and strained friendships that I had made, because I stood up for her.
Now the same thing is happening to me. And I am honestly afraid that these women, these moms that I trust to be honest with me, and truthful, will bend to the will of one, and I will be shunned, and that will show me that no - one really has my back, and that I am some sort of anomoly that will continually put herself on the line for other people with no reciprocation at all.
It's not like I would actually ask these women to do this for me, as I think even in asking brings me down to the level of a high schooler. Also, there is enough drama happening that, really, what would be the point? And it would just fracture more relationships for no reason.....
But, it makes me sad, and melancolic, to think....who, who really, has my back?

Sleep...or Lack Thereof

I seem to be in a sort of time warp when it comes to sleep and my children. Here I am at 11:02pm and my children are finally asleep.
Usually this wouldn't bother me, but lately it is. A lot.
The thing is that I really really need to study. I have a couple classes that are winding down in the next month and I really have to spend some time to finish them, and if my kids are not sleeping until 11pm then when am I supposed to do this work?
What ends up happening is that as soon as they are both sleeping I spend an hour "de-stressing" from the day....either cleaning a little, eating, going on the computer etc. Maybe doing some actual work...and then I start studying and then I go to bed at 1 or 2am. This would be okay if I wasn't woken up at 7am.
I feel like a zombie. I dont feel like I am actually doing well in my classes if I cant do any work at a reasonable hour.
I could just shut the door at 7pm and listen to them scream, but I dont because I have made this commitment to myself and to them that I will be there for them when they need me, especially in the arena of sleep, but boy is it tempting.
I have so much stuff to do in the evening and can never do it.
I guess what I really have to do is bite the bullet and wake up earlier and then wake them up earlier, and perhaps skip the nap until they are on a good schedule.
I would love it if they could both be asleep by 8pm.
Then maybe I could get to sleep myself at a decent hour.

The Discipline Post

A mom on my parenting board put out a simple call for some advice on how to discipline her 3 year old daughter, from the flurry of responses you would think that a "time-out" was the WORST thing that you could EVER do to a child.....so what about a spanking???
I am beginning to feel like one can never win at the mommy wars game. For one, it starts with conception, ageism, and fertility, then birth experience, then nursing then sleep, now discipline....when will it ever end.
Honestly, I dont give a rats ass how you parent as long as YOU feel in your GUT that you are informed, empowered and are doing the right thing for YOUR family. I will gladly help you find resources, but in the end, to time out, or not to time out is not going to affect me....until that is my son brings your daughter home who has never been told no in her life....my poor sons! ;P

I did however want to share a couple of ideas about discipline and maybe "attachment parenting" in general.

So, as an "attachment parent" we want our children to be as attached, as emotionally cognizant, as well rounded, sensitive and the like. To understand to respect all peoples regardless of colour, creed, or race. How exactly can we do that if there are no limits on our children?
I am not saying that we should expect our kids to be little soldiers. I will be the first to tell you that I enjoy it sometimes when my son questions the norm, or says no. That shows me that he is gaining independence, confidence and understanding of the world around him. Our world has boundaries and it is up to us to show our children where those lines lay.
I do not advocate allowing the child to have the upper hand. You are the parent. The buck stops with you. Bottom line. Kids dont want friends. I am not even 30 yet and I have plenty friends whos parents were permissive....can we say no motivation and sex and drug addictions??? Maybe this is because they never learned about control?

Our children are not robots, they are autonomous creatures that learn a million things everyday. I for one think we are doing them a HUGE disservice if we "talk our feelings to death". In my house it is NOT okay to hit the dog or the baby. I honestly could care less why. I really could. My older son is immediately removed. Kicking, screaming, punching. I tried to ask him why he hits his brother, or the dog...."because I like to." Stalemate. So I moved to "it is unacceptable to hit your brother or the dog unprovoked, if you do so, you will sit alone, on this stair. We show love in this house, and if you dont want to you can play by yourself in your room." Children need to know how to deal (defense mechanisms) when they do not get what they want (stress). We have to help them figure out how to deal with it.

I will not be beside my son everytime something doesnt go his way. He has to know how to deal with that himself, so I am setting him up to be an emotional cripple that will have an anxiety disorder because he can not leave the house for fear of someone saying, no.

We only know our children, and how our children cope with a particular situation. I would never ever tell a mother of teenagers that what she is doing could scar her kids....um, am I in that situation? How do I know that? Because I read it in a book....better yet a book by a man who was never home with his kids because he was busy promoting his book? How does he know?
So, when others with children who are NO where near my child's age, ability, or environment give their two cents I can respect it, I can listen, but I will not take it to heart, because I will listen to some one who has a child in a similar situation, or has gone through it before.....

I can't make my children do anything, as I have said before, but I can show them what is acceptable and what isnt...and as a parent that is the best I can do. I am only human, I make mistakes, one size does not fit all......

and lastly, if your child is a perfect little angel and does nothing to displease you.. (and I am talking over 3 years old), your day is coming....and it's not the way your parent...that could be a part of it, but it's called NATURE vs. NURTURE and nature usually wins. ;) (you could just be one of the lucky ones with an easy to please tempermented child....I know I am not!)

Happy Birth(ing) Day

It's my baby's birthday in less than one hour. At this time four years ago, I was having mild contractions sleeping well, and getting excited of what could be.
I never imagined it would be anything like it has turned out. I got pregnant because I felt like something was missing from my life. That I was meant to be and do more than what I had accomplished in my 24 short years on the planet. I thought that by having a baby I would somehow have "done" something with my life.
So selfish.
Keenan has changed me. He saved me from myself. I owe more to that little boy than I do to anyone else in the world, save my husband, and my mother.
He has taken me down a path that I never even knew existed and for that I am eternally grateful.
The things that I am most passionate about, Birth Experience (empowering women to have an informed birth), and Mother to Mother support, would not have even been on my radar if I had not had Keenan when I did.
He has shown me a whole new way of living, of loving, of patience, of compassion, of friendship. I owe my bestfriends to him. Women that I feel connected with, honored to be within their tribe, honest, real women who I would have never met, if not for Keenan.
He was made me grow as a person, as a woman, and as a mother in ways that I never even thought that I could grow.
He makes me laugh everyday, and some weeks he makes me cry as well. He is blunt, talkative, sensitive, empathetic, altruistic, compassionate, wild, loud, crazy, hyperactive, strong, intuitive, smart, extremely smart, talented, loving, proud, beautiful, silly, protective, loyal, trusting, and perfect. I wouldn't have him any other way.
Happy Birthday my baby. You are a big boy now. :)
or as he says, "I am a lower case 4 today mama, on my real birthday I will be an uppercase 4."

My thoughts on the Pool.

I am friends with Gemma Kelsall. I am also going to say that I am proud to be friends with her. Some people may think that she is a lunatic, or lazy or some other semblance that really isnt true, but I will stand by her and her cause until the end.
Don't know what I am talking about? Read here and here. Don't worry I will wait........
Oh also read here, because that is what I am going to blog about.

So now that you are all up to date, lets clarify a couple things.....
1) The City of Calgary has given Gemma letter after letter telling her why it is not okay to nurse in or around the pool. The whole reason why she even thought about having a "nurse in" was so that she could get the city to hammer down an actual policy. That's all she wanted. Edmonton has had one for years, and she has never been commented to in that city or at any of the other pools in Calgary. Just the pool in question has the issue with nursing in and around the pool.
2) So since it was just this pool. perhaps it is just a couple staff members that have problems with nursing moms, and if so, I bet they are sorry now that they ever opened their mouths to disagree.
3) They even complained to her when she nursed on the deck...just wanted to state that for the record.
4) The media focused on the age of her child, and so did all of the negative posters....what is wrong with people? 21 mos is not too old to be breastfed...my child is 16 mos and has 3 teeth....3.
5) The attitudes of public breastfeeding is what makes me the crazyiest...but I am going to donate a whole blog post on that one....
6) The hate mail. Seriously.
This one blows me away. A couple years ago Gemma was nominated for the Vibe 985 baby shower. 60,000K or something like that. She became a finalist, and sadly didnt win. But, she was a finalist because over 10,000 people voted for her, because they liked her, her kids, and saw what hardship she was going through....then this same city, attacks her for wanting a clear policy on where exactly she can nurse her baby.........
Which by the way, really wasnt the point.
The point was....the city had a policy, the lifeguards ignored the policy, harrased her, and were taken to task......
And a last point, who cares if she does or doesnt nurse in the pool....does it really affect you personally....? I mean really, are you right there swimming with her, in the toddler pool? If not, why do you even care?

Breast Intentions

I always knew that I was going to breastfed my children; I just never realized how hard it was going to be.

My mother breastfed all 4 of her children. My siblings were nursed until 2, so I had no qualms about nursing. When we were given a video tape of common Breastfeeding problems in my Birthing From Within Prenatal class, I watched it, only because it was home work. I seriously thought, “How hard can it possibly be? Put the baby on your breast and nurse, babies are born to be breastfed.”

I had a very fast labour. My son was born at home (not our first choice) in 1hr30mins. I think that because we were both in a little shock started the downward spiral to what would later become the most emotional, physical journey that I was yet to face.

My son was born with Jaundice, which is not uncommon for newborns in Alberta, and my midwives were not overly concerned. As long as he was feeding well, we would be able to flush out the jaundice.

He was a great nurser right out of the womb, (albeit a little lazy because of the jaundice), and for the first 3 days he would nurse really well. Day 4 is when it all started to go downhill.

I have a D cup chest and when waiting for my milk to come in, I was wearing very restrictive tank tops with shelf bras in them. This sent my body the message that I didn’t want to lactate (as women often bind their breasts when discouraging their milk to come in.) I completely misunderstood when my midwife told me that my breast should resemble a wedge or a triangle (which shows that the baby has the whole breast in his mouth and not just the nipple). I took it to understand that he should only be nursing off the nipple, and that the nipple itself was to be a triangle shape. (bad latch).

I am often asked how I continued to nurse in so much pain, with a bad latch. I honestly thought that breastfeeding was supposed to hurt. Also, because I have a much higher pain tolerance than most, I would just curl my toes and meditate through the pain.

Day 4 was also the last day the midwives would come to my house, and we would see them again for our 6 week appointment. But because the bad latch started on Day 4, they did not know that anything was wrong. This is my second mistake, as the midwives were available day or night (with the help of a pager) for any and all questions/concerns to do with breastfeeding and the newborn, and I did not take advantage of that.

By 6 weeks, my sons jaundice had not gone away. He was losing weight and would cry incessantly, or sleep all the time. When he was placed on the breast he would fall asleep immediately. When I went to the midwives discharge appointment, they alerted me that something was not right with the breastfeeding, and asked me what my plan was. I had made an appointment with a breastfeeding clinic that day. Feeling that I had everything under control, I was discharged.

So began my 6 month journey through the trails and tribulations of breastfeeding.

It started easy enough, fix the latch. My lactation consultant/doctor was surprised that I had made it as far as I had, with the state my nipples were in. After she showed me the correct way to latch, and I practiced for a week, we noticed that I had no supply. This was from weeks of improper nursing.

Out came the pump. And the supplementation with pumped milk (little that I could produce.) That was gaining his weight either, so I was put on motilium. (Over the months I was placed on the highest dose that they could give me safely. Which were just over 12 pills a day).

Nothing seemed to work. The lactation consultant/doctor made me feel like I was a bad mother because I did not want to supplement with formula. She actually said to me that I was causing my son brain damage, because I was so stubborn.

I went out that day and bought formula.

I felt defeated. I felt like I had not tried hard enough. I felt like a failure of a mother. My whole concept of motherhood was wrapped up in the birth and being able to nourish my child from my body.

I cried every time I fed him with the bottle. Family and friends tried to console me. Telling me that it wasn’t the end of the world, telling me that lots of baby’s are formula fed, telling me that they were formula fed and they turned out fine, telling me that I would have to wean eventually, and what really was the big deal? This is not what I needed to hear. This is my mistake number 3. Not surrounding my self with people that felt the same way that I did.

I was so depressed. I became obsessed with weighing him as much as I could. I would hide the bottles whenever I went out because I felt like breastfeeding moms were judging me. They didn’t know how I felt deflated. They didn’t know how I envied their leaking breasts, and how I wished that I had the oversupply problem that some moms had. I dreamed about having full breasts. Hoping that I would wake up one day and that I would have enough milk to feed my baby.

I started solids early for my son. 4 ½ months. I felt that if I had to supplement him it would be better to supplement him with solid food than formula.

Enter my salvation. The Le Leche League. I started going to share my story so that other new mothers would catch the bad latch before I had. I was given two pieces of advice/information that finally turned the tides for me. #1. You don’t need to nurse for nutrition. You can still nurse for comfort, and any milk that he gets from you is extra. #2. Breastfeeding works on supply and demand. By using the bottles (and inadvertently the motilium) you are telling your body that it doesn’t need to make milk.

These were light bulb moments for me. I weaned my self off of the motlium over the next 3 weeks. Thinking that if I lost any of the supply that it was providing, that it wouldn’t matter, as I was nursing for comfort and not nourishment. Then I would nurse him first before I gave him his bottles/food. I started noticing that he was taking less and less formula.

We stopped the bottle at 6 months old; my milk had finally come in. I could hear him gulping. I was ecstatic!

I felt vindicated. I nursed him until his 2^nd birthday, for comfort, for nutrition, for whatever. Supply and demand.

I would never expect any other mom to fight for breastfeeding like I did. I would encourage her to try, and if she feels okay with supplementing, then she should be proud of the fact that she even tried.

In North America we definitely lack the education and support that a mother needs to establish that good nursing relationship. (As we are even given formula before our babies are born, to show us that it is good to have “just in case”).

I wanted to share my story, so that all those moms who feel bad when using a bottle in public know that they are not the only ones that feel that way, and that we all must choose the path that gives us piece of mind.

You never know what is in the bottle, or why she is choosing to use one. Don’t be quick to judge.

Top Breastfeeding Tip: Find likeminded support. Mother to mother support is paramount when establishing a breastfeeding relationship, seek out other nursing mothers.

Breastfeeding Fodder

I got this off Hawthor's site.

Now, this isnt an argument for or against nursing, as I have been on both sides.
I just wanted you all to check out the reasons why Fisher-Price thinks that you should *choose* bottlefeeding over breastfeeding....

(snip)
While breast milk is the ideal nutrition for babies – not to mention the least expensive option —formula is a good second choice. And, just as there are advantages to breastfeeding, bottlefeeding has its pluses, too. For example:

* Dad and other caregivers can feed baby

* Mom doesn’t need a breast pump, nursing bras or other special clothing.

* It's easy to bottlefeed baby just about anywhere.

* Moms who bottlefeed can diet, take medication and drink or eat as they choose without worrying about effects on baby.

* With a bottle, it's easy to tell exactly how much baby is taking in.

* Bottlefeeding mothers bond just as closely with their babies as nursing mothers.
(end)

Ummmmm....Dad and other caregivers can feed baby if you nurse as well.
I dont wear any special clothing do I? Well sometimes I forgo the bra, but that is just as much for my husband as my child...;P
I think I can actually breastfeed in more places than I could when bottlefeeding....but I could be wrong.
Woohoo, if I choose formula Fisher -Price has just said I can drink, smoke and do drugs all at the same time and it wont hurt my baby. lol
Well, it is true that you can tell how much they are taking in, and yes they can bond as closely as a mom does who doesnt nurse...unless of course they use that monkey contraption...hmmm I wonder if Fisher-Price sells one of those........

I should be sleeping not riling myself up with how stupid Fisher-Price is. (do I have to boycott another company today?!)

(I also posted this on my board, so many will see it more than once!) ;)

Mothers....

This is kinda a reply to Kirsty's Post.
I came to the conclusion a long time ago that mothers are just women.
I had put moms on this pedestal, because they sacrifice for their little ones, and work all day everyday without pay to keep the house moving.
But, really, get them all in a room (or virtual room) with out kids and they all revert back.
The cool kids, the geeks, Leadership, drama, etc etc etc. It's like highschool really.
And yes, the judgement. (which is worse online). So when it comes to moderating that stuff, it just makes you tired, and even more judgy because you wonder why oh why cant they all just be secure in themselves? The answer...because we are women. :(
I am not saying that I am totally untouchable, because I have stirred some major $hat in my day, let me tell you, dear reader...I actually have a friend that I really got along with, and then I put my foot in my mouth and out my ass, and our relationship is still weird. (for me anyway...I dont know for her. And no, I am not sure if we have ever said sorry for the horrid things that went back and forth, and yes I was pregnant at the time....)
The point is that everyone says things they regret, and everyone judges, and why cant we just say sorry and move on?
Why must we hold on and beat a dead horse? (also, in a small AP community....you will see these same people forever!) ;)

It's not actually dirty per say....

K looks at me and says....
K : Why isnt my hair back to normal?
M: What do you mean?
K: I want Blonde...not dirty blonde.....
M:sometimes hair changes colour.
K: I dont want it to go different, I dont want my hair to die.

Burst out crying.....

Shhhesh! lol

The Light Turns On

I belong to a pretty progressive parenting board and have been a member for over 4 years. There is lots of discussions on a variety of topics. Recently we had a discussion about homeschooling, outlining many of the questions that I have put up on this blog. Today one of the very wise mama's posted, "Not homeschooling kindergarten because you're not sure about homeschooling Chemistry 30 is sorta like not breastfeeding a newborn because you don't want to breastfeed a toddler or preschooler, no?", in regards to my concerns about Homeschooling teens.

Can I just say, Wow.

Really. This one post has put all of my questions, all of my concerns all of my thoughts at rest. (It might help that she is a professional writer....) It is just so clear. One day at a time.

That is all we really can do as parents. We only know what we did at the time, and we always do the best that we can. So why worry about 18 years down the road?

Meet your child where they are and support them and the rest will follow.

Thank you M.

Growing Up So Fast

R is growing up so fast. Before bed, K and R had a bath together and were slurping water and spitting it out at one another, and laughing the whole time. I keep forgetting just how old little R is. I keep thinking that he is 6 months younger when in actuality he is much older. The only difference is that he is not a talker.
They then proceeded to wrestle eachother and I kept thinking that he was going to fall off the bed, and I kept telling K to stop but R didnt want to. He wanted right in there, to be just like his big brother....now if I could just let go, that little bit more.

Don't Be Mad Mommy,

Most of the time I am a pretty easy-going mom. Some, like my husband, would say that I am a little *too* easy-going. This is not the case. I see myself as moderate. I have my good days and I most definitely have my bad. Today was one of those days.
I was doing okay, until I learned that the place I go for Gymnastics with the boys cut down their drop in by an hour but doubled the price! Outrageous.
Of Course the whole day was shot after that.
Then there was the super pee on the floor that I had to call C to get him to talk me down. We are talking a whole 4 cups on the floor in front of the toilet. IN FRONT!!!
And then there is bedtime.
I got so mad that I yelled, and stomped and had to leave the room. And felt like an ass afterward.
Sometimes I just want some time to myself, just me. All by my lonesome.
Did I mention that my grandma is back in the hospital.....correlation anyone?

Schooling - An Update

I was all set to stand in line at 4pm for the 7pm registration for preschool for K. Even though it was a blustery -30 below I was ready. I got all the forms filled out and signed, immunization waiver printed out, called my mom to babysit...and then. A small feeling in my gut made me re-think what I was doing and I got cold feet and completely bailed.
I am sure that if this particular preschool had more than just 2 spots available for the 4 year olds I may have considered it more, but that was strike one. I just couldnt justify standing in line for 4 hours *in case* K got a spot.
Number two. I am pretty sure I am going to end up homeschooling for the elementary years. I have felt this way, off and on. But, really, I feel like the way the school system is set up right now is not really the way that I want my kids to learn about the world. We can do a whole host of other options in order to learn the curriculum, without having to sit in a desk for 8 hrs a day, and get 1 hr of homework a night for a 6 year old.
Just seems too much for me.
I really like the look of the blended program. If that is the direction I am going towards for elementary, then why oh why would I stand in line for a program that is 3 days a week?
Not to mention, because of my profession I have so many resources for teaching K. I mean if I feel he is lacking we will just go to school; for FREE. ;)
Now I think I will just "homeschool" him through the summer, and see if he likes it...if he doesn't it's not like I just can put him in a class that has "ongoing registration".

Schooling

Here I go again.
It's after midnight on Sunday and here I am sitting Blogging because I can't sleep and I don't really want to study motivation in Psych. (how is that for a laugh).
Anyway, I have always thought that my older son is a "gifted" child. He could talk before he was a year old, had a massive vocab by the age of two, and can recognize all the letters in the alphabet, and numbers to 10 by three. I am not saying that he is some genius or something, but I have just noticed that he has a love of learning and that it is quite visible.
Now. I have also thought that because of his caring, sensitive soul that I have talked about before, that perhaps he would do best in a different kind of learning environment. Not saying homeschooling entirely, but at least having an advocate there for him to see and learn from. I have also thought that he would need something more than I received.
When he was one, I thought, yes I will homeschool.
Then I met my business partner who happens to be a teacher, she told me that I alone couldnt possibly meet all the needs that he would require and that it was good for him to learn from other people in a enriching environment. So I thought, hmmmmm........
We opened a preschool together and I placed him in Parented Preschool. He thrived. He learned more from my business partner then I had ever thought to have taught him. I just thought that some concepts were above him and never gave him the opportunity to learn. I was sold. Preschool was the best!
Then we had a new teacher, and she didnt treat him the same because I was the boss. (or I perceived it that way.) And so after the R was born I pulled him.
I put him in regular preschool for year 3. Mostly because my business partner had told me all the benefits and I thought, why not? something for just him 2 days a week might be nice.
It has not been as great as I would have hoped. I feel like he is lost in the crowd. That he is not even close to his potential.
So now to the thoughts for next year.
After I saw Alfie Kohn speak I was re energized for School Reform and thought that Keenan will go to public school and I will fight, as I do for parents and birth.....and then I saw that people like John Holt had been fighting for school reform since the 1960's and that made me feel a bit disheartened again.
I seem to go to one side and then the other every year. And as Kindergarden approaches I get more and more and more freaked out. I mean seriously, I was IN education. I SAW who the next generation of teacher are. I saw them at the bar, in the dorms etc. I was friends with a LOT of them....and that is why I left that major.
I know that there are good teachers out there. I have family that have worked with the system all the way up to management. But I dont really want to start a losing battle, this is my kids future we are talking here. His whole life.
I am terrified that he will be destroyed by the public system, but I am also scared that I wont be able to facilitate his learning to the level that it needs to be.

Letting Go

Letting Go 

The Birth of Ryan Christopher

I found out I was pregnant on the day of my son’s second birthday party. I mentioned to my best friend that I had been feeling sick. She told me to take a pregnancy test. I thought, “Why? I am still nursing, I don’t have a period…” 

The little blue lines staring up at me were a wake-up call. I called my midwife before I told my husband Chris. She calmed me down and told me they would take me on as a returning client. She said to relax and enjoy Keenan’s birthday party. 

I couldn’t really relax. I was buzzing. I had just agreed to take on a new business venture with my friend. I had no idea just how pregnant I was. She assured me that we would run the business, and it would work out great. 

Fast forward to my ultrasound two weeks later to figure out the due date, which I thought would be about eight months away. Turned out I was actually already close to 13 weeks pregnant. I had skipped the whole first trimester, without even knowing it. 

I had supreme mother guilt. Not only did I have a thyroid condition, a dairy allergy, and a tendency to stress myself out, I was also still nursing my two year old. I had just taken a holiday and drank copious amounts of alcohol (well maybe closer to three cosmos) and used the hot tub. 

I was devastated. I felt like a horrible mother. With my first son I had taken prenatal vitamins, done yoga, attended childbirth classes; the whole thing. For this pregnancy I missed the whole first trimester. 

I worried and worried. Luba, my new midwife, kept trying to reassure me. I did listen to her…somewhat. I just couldn’t help wondering if I would carry this baby to term. I would stay up all night sometimes wishing I had done better. 

I started pushing the idea of even having the baby out of my head. I knew I was pregnant, but convinced myself that I was not as pregnant as I actually was. I kept going. I weaned my son from my breast and my bed. I still worked as hard as ever on all other aspects of my life. 

I kept thinking, “This baby isn’t going to come until February!” My body kept giving me other signs.

I booked prenatal photographs for the morning of December 4, 2007. When I woke up I felt cramps and had a lot of Braxton Hicks. We headed over and did the shoot. A couple of times the photographer asked if I was okay because I seemed to grimace in a couple of the poses. I assured her it was fine and that it was just Braxton Hicks. 

Chris started timing them and found they were seven minutes apart, like clockwork. Our photographer said, “I think you may be in labour. You should call your midwife.” I brushed it off. It’s too early, I thought, “It’s just false labour.” 

We promised to call when I got home just to be on the safe side. I convinced Chris to stop at Babes In Arms before we went home because we were so close. My girlfriends own the store and they were both there when I walked in. I was busy chatting with them about baby carriers and prenatal pictures when I had to stop and breathe. They were both really concerned.

“Are you in labour?” my friend asked. I said, “No, I’m just having really consistent Braxton Hicks. “How consistent?” my other friend asked. “About six minutes apart.” They both yelled at me to go home and call my midwife, so I left to go home and told them I would let them know.

I still didn’t believe I was in labour. But we went home and Chris called the midwives anyway. I had a fast labour with my first, so the midwives, Luba and Maura, decided to come over to check on me right away. When they arrived, I was still having contractions every six minutes. The midwife checked me and I was about four centimeters dilated. 

So the waiting game began. I answered all my work emails letting people know I would be out of commission for a while, still not really cluing in that this baby was coming. We had lunch, dinner, and my mother and mother-in-law arrived. I put Keenan to bed. 

The midwives thought that maybe I would kick into high gear after he went to bed. I was still fighting it. Centimeter by centimeter my body was fighting against my mind. “I am not going to have this baby today! It’s too early. I am not ready.” 

The midwives stripped my membranes and broke my water, and still I made no real progress. I had tinctures and snacks and we were still stalled. Maura came up and told me, very matter of factly, that I WAS going to have this baby, and that it was only going to happen when I wanted it to. 

I asked her if I could have a nap for a while. She said yes, but after that we had to decide what we were going to do. I slept for about 40 minutes, with contractions coming every five or so. I woke up to Maura saying it was almost time. She said I was over seven and a half centimeters. She was going to go downstairs and get the rest of the team. It was past midnight.

Chris, my mom and I sat alone in the room. “I don’t want to do this again.” I cried. “It hurts.” Chris laughed, “Well, you can’t really go back now honey!”

My mom said, “It’s pain with purpose. Remember what it is at the end of this journey; a beautiful baby boy. Ryan is coming sweetie, he is coming.”

I cried, “I am not ready for him. I am scared. I don’t know how to be the mom of two. What if I suck?” My husband looked at me, “You are the best mom to Keenan, and you will be an awesome mom to Ryan. I love you.” 

I hugged him fiercely and gave in to my body. The contractions came on hard and fast; one after another and another. My mom scrambled to call the midwives in. My mother-in-law rushed in with them. 

After two more contractions I was pushing, and it took less than 15 minutes for Ryan to clear the birth canal, and for Maura to say, “There he is; grab on to your baby! Reach down and pull him out!” 

I grabbed hold of Ryan under his arms and pulled him onto my chest. I finally realized how much I wanted this little baby and just how perfect he was. Like the ever so patient little boy he has turned out to be, Ryan just had to wait a little while longer for me to figure it out. 

Sensitivity and Boys

My older son is a sensitive soul. He has empathy coming out of his ears for everyone...well maybe everyone but his little brother....
As he gets older I worry how he will cope with the other children disappointing him. I mean we all know that this society is not kind to boys, and I accept that, and I don't want to shelter my boy...but...when he looks up at me with tears in his eyes because a child told him that he has to be the "bad guy" it breaks my heart. (in reference to playing a game of superheros)
And the child is not being malicious, and they don't understand that K is vehemently against "bad guys", and they don't understand that even if he doesn't agree he will go along with it, because he would rather have a playmate than to play alone....
When other children don't want to hug, or kiss, or hold hands...he is upset, and defeated, like he has personally been rejected.
When a child says, "No. I don't want to Play." or "I don't like you." These words pierce his very soul, and as his mother I watch and wait for him to let it slide, but I know it doesn't...so even if I don't want to say anything, I end up making an excuse..."That Child is tired, or hungry, or just plain mean." And I lie to him.
Does this do him a service? I so badly want to scream at the other child, "Look at him! He just wants to play with you, you selfish child." But I know that they are just children, and maybe they just think he is weird for being sensitive.

Stuck

I am feeling so stuck lately.
I want to move but can't.
I want to go to school full time but can't.
I would like to sleep 8hrs but can't.
And all things stem from my kids.
I had horrible cabin fever today b/c Chris was at a course and so I had the kids all weekend by myself, and just came off a week of having the kids all day by myself. I wanted to go outside! When a friend invited us out I was so excited, K not so much.
He dragged his feet and cried and whined about leaving our house and I just got so frustrated that instead of screaming and yelling and forcing him out the door, I just gave up.
I seriously could not stand it anymore. I took off all of their outside clothes, gave them a snack, took them upstairs and turned the TV on.
And we had been doing so well, 4 days sans TV.....

The Worst (RANT)

***Disclaimer****
This is a Rant. A rant in essence is MY thoughts and not meant for people to get offended. If you disagree we have a difference of opinon. That doesnt mean that you offend me with your opinion. I am stressed, and sad, and mad, and frustated and needed to get this off my chest...or I will never get to sleep.


This is the worst week of my life. EVER.
My grandmother who I spent so much time with as a child is in the hospital because she had a heart attack. This comes only 3 days after my Grandfather (her husband) was released himself after have a new stint put in his heart. Obviously I am going to have heart problems when I get older.
So all this is going on, and I find my dream home. A Bungalow, in the community I love, ECO built. We are talking Geo Thermal and Geo Solar here. In my city! The builder even wants to sell it to us at cost. $365K. Sadly, we dont have that kind of money.
I work 4 jobs and don't pull in near that amount, my husband works 2. Not even close.
It comes down to me going back to a office job that doesnt use any of my talents to wake up at 6am to get my kids to daycare for $1100/ea / month or a live in nanny for $1400/month....so leave and get to work for 8am, lunch w/o my kids, get in the car at 4pm to get home by 5:30, make dinner for 6pm, kids in bath and bed by 7pm. So for an extra, um lets be realistic, because I dont actually have my degree and the MOST I have EVER made in my ENTIRE working career was $12.67/hr....
So lets see...$12.67/8hrs/5days.week/4 weeks a month is.....$2027.00 - taxes..so lets say $200/month? So $1827. Now minus the Nanny. So $427.00/ month. Not to mention that I would lose my stay at home subsidy...so minus $150/month (for K preschool), that leaves us with $277/month. And I would lose some of my child tax benefit, because we would go up a bracket, so like $50? So $227/month....oh and Gas...because I would now be driving every day, two times a day....so minus $100 now leaves me with about $127.00/month TAKE HOME.
WOW! That was worth it.
Now lets say I dont get a nanny, and I get daycare instead. $2027.00 - 1100x2 = so -$173.00. (thats even better, I can't even afford to send my kids to daycare.) NICE.

So say it. I want you to. "You should have waited until you were older and had your careers established, yada yada yada..." so my dear husband paramedic would STILL be making the SAME amount of money, and I would have my B.A in Psych and I dunno work where, oh the CHR and make $15/hr. Wow that was worth it. Now I am 10 years OLDER and no further ahead.

WTF?
Seriously?
WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING CHILDREN IF YOU NEVER GET TO SEE THEM?
I would have much rather NOT have any kids EVER and then go and travel the world all the time. Seriously. I would NOT have had my children if I did not get to raise them.
And please if you spout off any of that Quantity VS. Quality B.S I will seriously hunt you down and slap you in the face.

I GET that moms have to work. I SEE it in the numbers. *I* just would not have had my kids if I had to give them to someone else. I just wouldn't. That is me, my belief. I dont have anything against people who work, nothing against moms that put thier kids in daycare. Heck my Bestfriends kid is in daycare and she makes it work, and I dont think her child is any worse for it.
But, *I* couldnt do it. That is why I work 4 jobs for minimal money, all sorts of hours, at home, so I can see my babies grow.

I hate that I am going to be stuck like this for a very long time. No upward mobility because of capitalism. :(

Inspiration.

I first want to start off by saying that I have had people tell me that I should really read Alfie Kohn and I have hummed and hawed about it time and time again, so when my friend told me to check out his lecture that was coming up, I thought sure, why not. (Save me from reading the book.)
I was blown away. Never has something resonated with me like his words. It was a religious experience for me. I agreed with EVERY SINGLE WORD that came out of his mouth. And the weird part, so did my husband.
It was amazing.
When I went into university for the first time it was to become a teacher, I made it into my 3 year and met the other people who would be my peers, colleagues and I hated them. (Not all, but a vast majority.) I wanted CHANGE in the system, and they were only in Ed, because the GPA was a 2.5 and they couldn’t get into anything else. They didn’t like kids, they didn’t really care about education, they just needed a job, or a degree and Ed seemed like the way to go.
Needless to say, I was devastated.
I partied way too hard to drown my sorrows of a front to my idealism and dropped out.
Of course I found my way back, but never wanted to go into Ed, as I felt it was too far gone. I started researching different schooling opportunities for my child and homeschoolling came up again and again, although I never thought that *I* would be the only one able to teach my child.
I just feel like as a mom *I* will get lazy and MISS those pivotal teaching moments that arrive once in a blue moon...and you know what Alfie agreed with me.
I was shocked.
I thought he was all for homeschooling/unschooling, why it was my unschooling/homeschooling friends that told me to go and see him...and here he was saying that peer based learning in a integrative model is the best way to ensure a WHOLE child.
I was surprised, I was intrigued, but above all else I was inspired.
I *WISH* I had seen Alfie talk while I was in University...I can tell you one thing; I definitely would have finished my degree, got my masters, and started a Progressive School.

Our House is a very very very Fine House

Sometimes.
I have a love/hate relationship with our house.
I Love....
That I have a house.
That it is in a wicked suburb.
That I have friends around.
That it is in a good school district.
That it is near my family.
That it is new.
That I got to design it.

I Hate......
That the layout sucks.
That I have no backyard.
That I am in the suburbs.
That my friends are too busy to visit.
That it is near my family.
That it is new.
That it is not Eco Friendly.
That there are NO TREES!

Right now there are lots of foreclosures on the market that makes one think that perhaps we should buy, but then what. A big move, loads of money spent etc....

I am always on the fence.

I want to live in a small town where I can walk to the grocery store....Okotoks anyone?

Hit by a Mack Truck....

I feel so achy today. Like all over bruised. Not to mention a headache. So what is up? Well, Ryan has turned into a horrible sleeper, but I know that it will pass because he probably has a crappy sleep because he is constantly teething. Or that I come to bed so late. I want to go to bed at a reasonable hour, but I feel like I never get any down time, or alone time...so if R or K are up to goodness knows when, I will stay up two hours after.
So maybe I feel so sick because I was up til 2, R woke up at 4am and K had preschool this morning...which always makes me feel so tired.
(I was so tired that I actually found myself asleep on the floor next to K during R's nap) brutal. Maybe that is why I feel like someone hit me with a baseball bat. Of course I shouldn't joke about stuff like that today, after what happened to Rihanna.
What is wrong with some men?! Seriously. But that is a whole other rant.

Homeschooling

So I have been grappling with this for a while.
I HATE the public school system. I have for a great while. I don't believe that all kids fit in the same square hole. I would love if we took the time to figure out what learning style our kids had and then give them the tools to learn in the best way...sadly that is not the way it goes and boys seem to suffer more than girls.
So, Keenan is in Preschool and I really don't feel like he is getting much out of it. (I should really go chat with his teachers...) so I have been thinking homeschooling...but I know TWO people who are not complete freaks...or should I say they seem normal.
I have joined these other two groups for homeschooling and the parents on there are so fricken "know it all" isn't homeschooling about learning with your kids...and giving them freedom? Not restrictions? Not to mention I have a massive personality clash with a huge homeschooling proponent. The fact that my child(ren) would have to learn alongside some of these people makes me crazy, but then again, homeschooling, unschooling or traditional schooling all have thier quirks and quacks!
(So what on earth do I do now?)

Tips for having a Newborn and a 3 year old....

I think there is absolutely an adjustment period between one and two,
and some people just cope better than others...it's all about how you
handle stress.
I found that the newborn stage for Ryan was a breeze. I just put him
in the wrap all the time. He just slept in the wrap from day one, so
really it was just like I was still pregnant.
At 6 months however, was when it got really tough for me. Ryan and
Keenan demanded an equal amount of my time and there is only so much
of you that can go around...not to mention that once both kids were
occupied/sleeping Chris would want some one on one. It got really
draining, really fast. So I started taking time for myself. I do yoga
while the kids play beside me, I put Keenan in preschool so I have 4
hours a week with just Ryan. Quiet time when Ryan naps is a must.
(still working in this one). I joined a Babysitting Coop and can use
that when I really need to get out.
I have also pared back my extracurricular/work. I do not work all day
everyday as I was before, I do not work on Tuesdays and Thursdays when
Keenan is home, and we try to get out of the house as a family on
Fridays. Chris and I have also agreed to one night a week where we do
something separate, if that means a movie or a meeting for me, and
jamming for him, that is how it works...we try not to take more than
one day away alone, or we start to resent eachother.
TV is my savior for when Ryan is being put down. Keenan can watch the
Wiggles and I can nurse Ryan down with no interruptions.
You have to do what you can to make YOUR life easier for YOU.
Lastly, I have a couple books on activities to do with kids and try to
pick one a day to do with Keenan. For example, we had a "Backwards
Day" so we started with a bath and then got dressed (clothes on
backwards) and had leftover dinner for breakfast, a BIG lunch, and
pancakes for dinner...kids love it when you get involved so play with
them. :)
If you feel like you can't cope take deep breaths and walk away...and
call a friend who understands...many women on my parenting board have had me
call them when I am in crisis...and it means SO much!!!
Good Luck!
Alisha
mama to keenan and ryan

How to Talk...and Listen

I am reading this book How to Talk so your Kids will Listen....I am really quite enjoying it. I am wondering if they have a course and then maybe I could take it or even teach it. The concepts are quite straight forward.
Verbalizing your feelings, expectations, alternatives to punishment. It's pretty hard work, but I have been going through the workbook and trying really hard. (see yesterdays post) I think that it is working really well...although sometimes he really pushes my buttons.
But I will keep working at it.
I really want to make my house a more peaceful respectful place.

A Wake Up Call.

Today is one of those days that really put my life and the way it is heading in perspective. Keenan is on day three of being sick and so I have been cooped up in the house with no escape, which is fine if you plan on being home, but not so much when you would rather be outside enjoying a chinook.
So Keenan was watching the Wiggles, Ryan was napping (who has been having a horrible time sleeping; but that can be the subject of another post.), and I was otherwise engaged...so Keenan started calling me from upstairs, I called to tell him I would be there in a minute and to be quiet because R was asleep. He kept calling and calling and calling....and woke up Ryan.
I lost it.
I was so incredibly mad that my hour of peace was now wrecked because Keenan didnt understand that he had to be quiet.
I went upstairs and turned off the TV (yes I use TV when Ryan is napping to keep Keenan quiet and occupied), and stated or rather yelled, "I told you to be quiet! Now you have woken up Ryan. No TV!" and I left the room to try and put Ryan down again.
Now Keenan was really upset. He cried and cried and cried, screaming and yelling, so upset that I had gotten angry and turned the TV off.
I lay there nursing Ryan. Thinking of all the times I had nursed Keenan, and feeling satisfied that he was so mad, because I was mad too. And then as the anger began to wane and Keenan was still crying, I started to feel bad. I thought back to an article that Mothering had just done about "unweaning" a 3 year old. And I thought about how much I had pushed Keenan to grow up in the last year that his brother has been alive.
So with Ryan back asleep, I went into the room.
I came in and started with my usual "Why are you crying?" and "Do you know why mommy turned the TV off?" and he was so hurt, and so sad that I stopped thought of the girl in the article and said, "What do you need?"
"A Hug"
I cried. This was still my baby. Who was sick and my need for personal time had clouded my vision of why I was here, and why I had my kids in the first place.
I told him how much I loved him, and that I was sorry, and that mommy would try harder to put him first.
I asked him if he missed nursing, and he said yes. I offered that if he wanted to that he could. And that mommy loved him just as much as Ryan.
He looked at me and said, "That's silly mommy! I am a big boy! Big boys don't nurse!"
That is when I got my wake up call. He really is a big boy, but still needs as much love and support and physical attention as he did as a baby...
So we sat there for the rest of Ryan's nap, snuggling on the bed, with his head on my chest.
I love you Keenan.

AP Lite

My good friend Gemma was chatting me up about the concept of AP Lite. She was saying that she could only be AP if she could be AP Lite. I laughed and asked her what that meant. Basically, once you have kids you become jaded and a bit judgmental. (who am I kidding? Mom's are the most judgmental people out there.
I am not too sure why this is, because we are all just trying to do our best with what we know at the time.
The thing is to be AP Lite means to believe that we console and give our children our full support, but do take time for ourselves as well.
I guess AP Hard Core would be completely subservient to your kids then?
Thoughts?

Crying it Out

Every 6 months or so the concept of Crying It Out (CIO) or aka the Extinction Method, comes rolling around for moms to chew on.
The concept is simple, if you want your baby to sleep, put them in a separate room from you, in a crib, with tight sheets (make sure that there are two sets of sheets on the crib, > will explain later), and lay on their back, and let them fall asleep by themselves.
No talk, no coddling. Or so say the "experts".
The thing that they are teaching these poor little babies is Learned Helplessness. If I cry and mommy does not come, then why cry, no one is there for me anyway.
But, mommy does care. Mommy wants to come and save you from the darkness...there are just "experts" in the way.
There is a REASON why our cortisol levels go up when babies cry. We are supposed to comfort them. Touch is the most important thing.
So why is CIO so damn popular?
We seem to ignore our instincts. Maybe do things a little easier. And hey, my mom left me to cry it out and we turned out alright...(side note, my mom actually slept with me til I was 2)...but are we?
Are we really "all right"?
Maybe we should let these "experts" fend for themselves when they are old and grey.

My Preschool Gut....

So I went an volunteered at Keenan's preschool today, which is if anyone cares, not the preschool that I own and run. Why? Because I did not want my child to be treated any differently than anyother kid because his mom was cutting the cheques.
So I placed him in a comparable program closer to our house. I have been having this weird gut feeling about it ever since I put him in, and my friends say that it is just me...but something is off. So I have been waiting MONTHS to be able to volunteer in his school, and today it finally happened. Can I say I was impressed....no.
But, am I expecting too much? I am not sure.
Keenan basically just played all by himself at the Dino table, then the rocket table, as the other children ran around and visited, and danced, played house etc. There was Keenan. And then we read some books, again kids following ME around but not Keenan.
He was so quite too...he is so extroverted at home, he knows the answers to everything, constantly interrupting us, and at school when they brought out a stegosaurus...he just sat there. Not a word. A mute.
My Keenan. A mute? What happened? It is surreal to me.
So then there was songs and story. I am happy to say that he participated in both those, as lackluster as they were. They were definitely no Natalie.
So now I am torn.
I put him in preschool to meet other kids, BOYS!!!! And he hasn't. No playdates or anything. But can I blame him? When I go and chat the only mom that actually talks to me is Kathryn, and we knew eachother already. Otherwise it is like highschool all over again.
What is the issue? Mine or his?
I thought that after today I would see that it was just me, but now I am not so sure....

Going Solo at Sobey's

I had a glorious time this morning! I went to breakfast at Cora's with my wonderful "Townie" friends. It was really nice to chat without our kids in tow, but at the same time, we really don't get to see eachother as much so you are trying to cram in a months worth of conversation in one sitting. Not to mention that it is all women trying to talk over eachother. We mostly talked about our kids, and pregnancy, and weaning, and sex. I ask you, why is it that the conversation always leads to sex? It is too funny, all these women with children all under 10 chatting it up in a resturant about thier sex drives. Anyway, it was a lot of fun and I would like to do it more often, the only thing is that it cuts into my weekend time with Chris and the kids...I really wish I had more time.
Speaking of time, I got all of my weekly grocery shopping done in 45mins. 45! It was amazing. Usually we go shopping as a family, and it takes forever. But this morning I went solo and powered through Sobey's, a mom on a mission. It would have taken longer but I have been using this new site, to make menu plans and grocery lists. It cuts the menu planning etc in half! Not to mention that we are saving a tonne of money because we are actually orgainzed. It is the best gift I could have ever gotten! Thanks mom!

Swimming and Superglue.

We went swimming at Cardel Place on Wednesday. It was so much fun! I have never seen such a cool pool before. Fountains, sprayers, a river, it was almost overstimulating for me. The best part? $3.75/per kid to get in. Seriously. :)
Keenan had so much fun, and Ryan had never been to a pool, so needless to say this water hating mama was forced to sit in a cold pool for more than an hour! But, really, an hour of being uncomfortable was well worth it when I saw how much my kids loved it, and how well they napped that afternoon. I think that a Wednesday swim may become a part of our weekly regime.
I saw a girl there that I know from Jr.High, it's funny that we change so much but can still recognize people. Took me a while to figure out where I knew her from because she had a baby as well...so it could have been from a variety of places. She actually figured it out before I did, small world!
And Superglue, I just quickly wanted to share a tidbit from the mouth of my super smart 3 year old. They are learning about Dino's and Volcano's in school and he was worried that the Volcano would cause a fire in our house, I assured him that wasnt the case. He went on to formulate why, and decided to tell me.
K: Mama do you know why a bocano wouldn't fire our house?
M: Tell me why.
K: 'Cause the contruction workers used superglue, and the bocano couldnt break it!

All powerful Super Glue to the rescue!

A MNO to Remember.

* MNO = Mom's Night Out.

So I went out last night. My cousin and I decided that it was high time that we get out of the house and spend some quality time without our kids. We thought maybe dinner and a movie, which then turned to just dinner, then just desserts, and then "I am too lazy to drive downtown for dessert, how about we go to Superstore?"
Yes, you read that right, I said "Superstore!"
Maybe you are asking yourself why two twenty somethings with kids would want to go to Superstore for a Mom's Night Out or maybe you are thinking, "Man these women have no lives! That is pathetic!" But let me tell you, kind reader, there is nothing like being able to saunter through a store with no distractions and just a fellow woman to chat with. And if she is a mom looking for bargains it's even better.
So we spent an hour and a half looking at movies, rugs, books and cooking utensils just chatting about life. It was WONDERFUL.
No whining, no pulling of shirts, no stinky diapers, no husbands looking at watches telling us to hurry up, just me and my cousin - Shopping. :)
We then went to BP's for dinner/dessert and continued an uninterrupted conversation for another hour. Glorious. (and for the record it wasn't all about our kids!)
We even commented how nice silence was.
"Listen you can actually hear the fridge humming."
I need nights like that more often!

Money Money Money....Money!

So with the downturn in the economy it seems like everyone is feeling it. A little anyways. Alberta doesn't really seem like much has changed. Well I guess I shouldn't say that, we have had a drop in registrations but that could be due to the economy, or because it is so fricken cold no one wants to go out. I know that I don't.
I have been thinking about getting a part time job for a while now, to help with the crunch...but it is seemingly impossible to make about $1000/month while being a SAHM. I mean really, all the good paying jobs I would have to put my kids in daycare, and really why the heck would I want to do that?! The whole reason we had our kids young was so that we could be there for them and play with them, because our careers would be more flexible at the beginning rather than the middle or end...was I so wrong???
I have options, none that I am overly keen about. That mother guilt dragging down my soul. Makes me just want to move away from the city out to the country away from all the b.s. But, will all of the stuff just follow? Is it really more 'simple' or will this city girl lose her nerve?
It's interesting because Chris and I feel that we are at a crossroads, we could either go one way or another, but either could be a major mistake.
It's like the game of Life but more cruel. We know that we need to go 5 spaces and we are at a junction. In the game you can count your spaces and look ahead, in real life...not so much.
We both feel that we have gone down a path that was never us. Pushed by outside influences that claim that they were never influences...and now we don't know what to do.

If we had it our way, we would buy an acreage any where that is populated with trees and that Chris could work near, and just live self sustainably. Cozy, cottage like.

May Old Acquaintances Be Forgot...

Hello 2009!
I have to say that I have started this year off in a foul mood. Maybe foul is not the right word, maybe more "realistic". I have realized that I alone control my destiny and that society as a whole kinda sucks...at least this society.
So I have decided to cast off people that piss me off, and stop pandering to people who's opinions of me really don't count. I mean why deal with drama and stress yourself so much over people who you probably will never see again. ;)
So, why the change in heart, really? I guess it boils down to the fact that I am so flippin' tried ALL THE TIME, and no, it really has nothing to do with my children, my dog, my husband or my house. We would all be perfectly happy if we lived in seclusion and were able to do what WE wanted to do...but the problem...we have ethics, and expectations that we must adhere to and by doing so we squander away all of our free time making sure that OTHER people are happy.
So to start, here are some long due resolutions.
1. Put ME first.
2. Put Keenan, Ryan and Chris second. (whoever needs more at the exact moment gets first dibbs).
3. Say No more.
4. Say No way more.
5. Stop Volunteering. I have no time, I work at my own business (and surviving through a recession is hard enough without having 2 small children and a life.), and have too much to worry about picking up the slack when other people are not interested.
6. So that comes to my parenting group. I need to get over that one, and put some serious space between the drama and me. :)
7. Did I mention put ME first?
8. and for good measure, have sex more! ;) (maybe I will get that girl after all).

Happy New Year everyone!

ps. Welcome to my new and improved Blog!

Why Everyone Needs a Midwife: The Birth of Keenan James

If you asked me what a midwife is when I was in university, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you. I honestly had no idea they existed, in this time and place anyway. My husband and I planned our pregnancy right up to the day that I was to graduate from university. We thought that we would be pregnant in my last year, write my exams, and then pop out the baby. How naïve we were.

We conceived right away, on almost the first try. While waiting for the pregnancy test result, we talked about how we maybe should have waited until we were finished university and more financially stable. That was not to be the case, as the little blue lines soon revealed our baby’s May arrival.

The first few weeks of my pregnancy were uneventful. I did have morning sickness, but it wasn’t bad if I ate something before I got out of bed. As the weeks progressed the morning sickness got worse and worse. I soon found it hard to stay on top of my 400 level classes. Then at 12 weeks I started bleeding.

The doctor at the health centre told me that it could be stress related, and that while my cervix was still closed, I may lose the baby. He also said that it was common to miscarry in a woman’s first pregnancy. This was not a comforting thought. He suggested that I take some time for myself and spend a week on bedrest. I did one better. I withdrew from all my first semester classes.

The bleeding stopped after a week, which made me feel a little better. I kept going to my university doctor, but was feeling less and less confident that he was truly listening to my concerns. He kept telling me that my concerns were not warranted at the time that I was having them, and that worrying about them was not making my pregnancy any better.

I spent the early appointments asking about the birth, his ideas on intervention, epidurals, caesarian sections, and so on. He would brush my concerns aside and say, “The most important thing is a healthy baby, no matter what.” He was just not listening. My gut was telling me to go somewhere else…but where?

Then, while shopping at Safeway during my 15^th week, I bumped into a mom wearing her baby. The baby was tiny and she was in a long piece of fabric to hold the baby close to her. I remember thinking that it was the most interesting way to hold a baby, but I was even more interested in cooing at her newborn.

I introduced myself, and told her that I was going to be a mom in May. I asked her for the one piece of advice she would give a pregnant mom. If she could tell me only one thing, what would it be? She replied, “Get a midwife.” I had no idea what she was talking about. I asked her where I would get one. She answered, “Briar Hill.”

The next day I called Briar Hill Midwives. I asked what a midwife did, and how much they cost: $3,500, ouch!! Then I called my mom and begged her to help me pay for it, because while talking with them I had fallen in love with the idea of labour support. Thank goodness mom agreed.

I set up my first appointment with Briar Hill team two, and called my doctor’s office to transfer care. They were very put off that I had chosen a midwife, and made me come down to the office to pick up my file for transfer. The nurse made a comment about how a doctor was the one to deliver babies, not a midwife. I plainly told her that this was my decision and that she was being extremely rude. So began the wonderful prenatal care I experienced with Briar Hill Midwives.

The rest of my pregnancy was uneventful. All my appointments were handled in a professional, supportive manner. All my questions were answered and sometimes, when I asked hard questions, the answer was for me to do the research. At the time I didn’t like it, but in retrospect it was the best thing for a person like me.

On May 10^th I had some bloody show. I called the midwives and they said that labour would start in less than 48 hours. They told me to keep track of my contractions and to call them back when they were 5 minutes apart.

My contractions were very irregular. Seven minutes apart, 10 minutes, five minutes, back to seven. They just felt like bad menstrual cramps to me, and I used a lot of the pain coping skills I learned in “Birthing From Within” class to breathe through them. They really didn’t hurt as much as I thought that they should, and the day went by just as any other day would.

I went to bed, started May 11^th with no real progress. The midwives would call every couple hours just to check in, but we were great. I kept thinking, “This isn’t really labour, it’s supposed to hurt more!” Lunch came, then dinner, and I was still feeling like I was having my period. At one point I had to take a minute to hold on to the stove while making dinner, and decided to have a bath after supper.

I climbed into the bath, and my contractions stopped. Or maybe I just couldn’t feel them anymore. I called Chris in to keep me company, and we started talking about those women on TLC’s “A Baby Story”. “ I don’t know what those women’s problem is”, I said, “because if this is labour, it’s EASY!” The words were not even out of my mouth when “POP” my water broke and “BANG” my baby’s head hit my cervix hard. It was like going from zero to sixty in less than one minute. My contractions started coming less than 5 minutes apart, one after another after another. This wasn’t easy, it was painful!

Chris ran to get the phone and called the midwives’ pager. Maura answered. He told her that I was having contractions and that she should come. She told him this was just the beginning, and that labour could take a lot longer. She told us to call her back in an hour to see how we were progressing. I took the phone and told her that I felt that it was sooner than that and if she would come, just to check, that would be wonderful. So she started on her way. Chris called my mom to get her on the move as well and to meet us at the hospital.

This is the part that gets blurry for me. My contractions kept coming at two minutes apart, and I was just riding them out. We headed to the birthing ball, and Chris massaged my lower back with a Tupperware pastry roller filled with hot water. My mom arrived and Maura was a minute behind her. They started talking about how it looked like I was in transition. They started asking me questions, and I got really irritated and Chris said that I cursed a couple times. I was definitely in transition.

Maura asked me to get on my couch (white suede) to get checked to see if we would be heading to the hospital. I said, “I don’t want to. I feel like I am going to push.” They got me onto the couch and checked…I was already pushing. Somewhere in the transition between the birthing ball and couch Maura told me that I may not make it to the hospital and asked if I was comfortable with a home birth. I really didn’t cae at that point, and Chris scrambled to call his mom to tell her to meet us at home.

While pushing, Theresa, my second midwife, showed up and got all the baby stuff ready. My mother-in-law came to witness Keenan crowning. After 45 minutes of pushing we had our beautiful baby boy, and a very blood stained white suede couch. Luckily, the stains came out with hydrogen peroxide!

I was in shock. It was so fast I didn’t really even realize what had just happened. I was much more concerned with the state of my house and furniture. Everyone was elated and crying, hugging, calling relatives, and I was ushered into the bath with my new baby.

Keenan and I were cleaned up. We nursed for the first time and were put to bed. His whole labour from start to finish was recorded at under 3 hours.

I always think about what would have happened if I had not met that mom in Safeway. I would have kept the university doctor, and we would have never made it to the hospital. I would have had my baby in my car or in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.

I was destined to have a very fast labour, and fortunate that the midwives were sent to help me. I was also very lucky that my mom paid for them, because a student can’t afford $3,500.

If only midwives in Alberta received the government funding that they deserve, every woman would be covered!

*originally published in Birthing Magazine Autumn 2008

My Adventures in Potty Training

So, I was ready to bite the bullet and go "pull up" - less. (in reality too lazy to go to the store and buy more), and so Keenan has been in underwear for almost a week. Not a whole week dry mind you, just a whole week without pullups.
And in this week, he has peed in more places than I can count.

The most embarrassing...Benjamin Moore. On a chair no less. I am sitting there with him looking at swatches when he says "I want to go potty." I look at him, pee running down his legs and onto his brand new shoes and soaking in the chair. Not wanting to cause a scene I calmly told chris to take him to the car,and change him (forgetting that was his last pair of pants I had). The sales woman came back to help me, so I placed the pillowcase on the offending chair (acting like I had dropped it), and pressed my knee in....trying to soak up the pee.
I quickly chose a swatch, declining the woman's offer to help carry the pillowcase to the till, I paid and got the heck out of there. (thank god they were closing).

The most disgusting...we went to the natropath and he was holding #2 in, so we used a pullup (in case) and while we were chatting with her, he went into the corner and filled his pants. I had to ask for a key to get into the bathroom, all the while keenan waddling behind me.
I ut him on the change table pulled down his pants, and poop explosion. All down his legs, his pants, his socks! I used my hole carton of wipes. I couldnt put his pants back on, so I washed his legs in the sink, put him down and started to wash my hands....it was then that I noticed that the person before us had clogged the toilet and that it was now starting to overflow on the floor. I yelled, "stop,stop" but keenan didnt know why and continued to walk and slip into the dirty toilet water.
So into the sink again.
After he had his second bath in the sink I wrapped him up in my jacket and took him to the car.
Chris asked "what happened? I thought you were changing his bum?" I just laughed and laughed and laughed as Keenan said "Im naked outside, daddy."

And Chris wonders why I don't like to leave the house when he is not home.

Long time No Write!

Well, you can tell that I have been busy. No posting for quite some time, I guess that is what happens when you start a successful business, your husband gets promoted (what husband?) and you have a new baby just before Christmas.
Ryan was welcomed into the world 20 days early, and let me tell you; I was not ready.
What does that mean anyway? Can one ever truly be "ready" for the most life altering moment of their whole existence?
Sure, people think that they are "ready", they read the books, go to the classes and such but don't realize the full implications of having a child.
You become a slave. In a good way, but also in a "why can't I pee by myself?" Kinda way. (ps. Talking about the mom getting alone time).
These little people rule my world, and although I have many many aspirations they all get put on the back burner, All of them.
So I am always playing catch up, and slowly losing the identity of me.
Who am I.
I am Keenan's mom, I am Ryan's mom, I am Chris' wife....when he is home. (but that is a whole other topic.)
I know that I am a journaler by nature, and perhaps I should take some time for myself to start writing again...but then, who reads this anyway!

Mom I am!

Mom I Am
Written by the posters on the Mom's Online Breastfeeding Board

Little ones can squirm and pout,
make a fuss and scream and shout.
When hunger hits without a doubt,
Sit right down and whip it out.

I would nurse her if she cried,
I could nurse her far and wide,
Here and there or anywhere,
Up or down or on a chair.
I could nurse a teddy bear,
For this fine milk is very rare!!!

Would you nurse him on a train?
Would you nurse him on a plane?
Would you nurse him in a car?
Would you nurse him in a bar?

Yes, on a train, yes on a plane.
Yes, in a car, yes in a bar.
I would nurse him here or there.
I would nurse him anywhere!

I would nurse him in a booth,
On the stairs or near the roof.
Anywhere my boy cries out,
I pop the nummies in his mouth.

I can serve it by the ounce,
I can serve it while I bounce.
In a bottle or in a jar,
I can serve from near or far.

Would you, could you nurse in church?
Would you on a shaky perch?
Would you, could you, in the stands?
Could you nurse him with no hands?

I would, I could nurse in church,
Even on a shaky perch.
In the stands, with no hands,
I'll nurse my baby on demand.

Would you nurse him at the store?
Would you nurse him on the floor?
Would you nurse him on a ship?
Careful not to show your nip!
Would you nurse him while on skis?
Would you nurse her on your knees?
Would you nurse him in a tree?
Mommy milk is SO GOOD, you see.

Would you nurse him by the stream?
You could nurse him while you dream.
Can you nurse and clean the house?
Can you nurse and chase a mouse?
Can you nurse and cook a meal?
Mommy's milk is the real deal!

Would you nurse him while you sleep?
How about while you sweep?
Could you nurse him in a sling?
Would you, could you, while you sing?
How about upon a swing?
Mother's milk is just the thing!

Would you nurse her at the park?
Would you nurse him in the dark?
Would you nurse him with a Boppy?
And when your boobs are feeling floppy?

I would nurse him in the park,
I would nurse her in the dark.
I'd nurse with or without a Boppy.
Floppy boobs will never stop me.

Can you nurse with your seatbelt on?
Can you nurse from dusk till dawn?
Though she may pinch me, bite me, pull,
I will nurse her 'till she's full!

Can you nurse and make some soup?
Can you nurse and feed the group?
It makes her healthy strong and smart,
Mommy's milk is the best start!

Would you nurse him at the game?
Would you nurse her in the rain?
In front of those who dare complain?

I would nurse him at the game.
I would nurse her in the rain.
As for those who protest lactation,
I have a perfect explanation.
Mommy milk is tailor made
It's perfect food, you need no aid..

Some may scoff and some may wriggle,
Avert their eyes or even giggle.
To those who can be cruel and rude,
Remind them breast's the perfect food!

I would never scoff or giggle,
Roll my eyes or even wiggle!
I would not be so crass or crude,
I KNOW that milk's the perfect food!

We make the right amount we need,
The perfect temp for every feed.
There's no compare to milk from breast---
The perfect food, above the rest.

Those nursing smiles are oh so sweet,
Mommy milk is such a treat.
Human milk just can't be beat.

I will nurse, in any case,
On the street or in your face.
I will not let my baby cry,
I'll meet her needs, I'll always try.
It's not about what's good for you,
It's best for babies, through and through.

I will nurse her in my home,
I will nurse her when I roam.
Leave me be lads, leave me be ma'am.
I will nurse her, mom I am.

Here comes another BOY!

We had our ultrasound on wednesday and we are expecting the pitter patter of more little boy feet!
A lot of my friends have asked me how I feel about having another boy, and I can honestly say that I am indifferent. When I found out that Keenan was a boy I was scared. I had no idea what to do with a boy, and more particularly, the penis. I have two brothers and the older one was a really fussy baby. All my memories from my childhood have to do with him and crying.
I was so scared that Keenan would be like that.
Now that I have been the mom of a son for 2 yrs, I am completely prepared to have another one.
I do still want to have that daughter, but I am still young and have loads of childbearing years left to go. (especially when people are waiting until they are in their 40's to have kids).