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Friday, January 30, 2009

A Wake Up Call.

Today is one of those days that really put my life and the way it is heading in perspective. Keenan is on day three of being sick and so I have been cooped up in the house with no escape, which is fine if you plan on being home, but not so much when you would rather be outside enjoying a chinook.
So Keenan was watching the Wiggles, Ryan was napping (who has been having a horrible time sleeping; but that can be the subject of another post.), and I was otherwise Keenan started calling me from upstairs, I called to tell him I would be there in a minute and to be quiet because R was asleep. He kept calling and calling and calling....and woke up Ryan.
I lost it.
I was so incredibly mad that my hour of peace was now wrecked because Keenan didnt understand that he had to be quiet.
I went upstairs and turned off the TV (yes I use TV when Ryan is napping to keep Keenan quiet and occupied), and stated or rather yelled, "I told you to be quiet! Now you have woken up Ryan. No TV!" and I left the room to try and put Ryan down again.
Now Keenan was really upset. He cried and cried and cried, screaming and yelling, so upset that I had gotten angry and turned the TV off.
I lay there nursing Ryan. Thinking of all the times I had nursed Keenan, and feeling satisfied that he was so mad, because I was mad too. And then as the anger began to wane and Keenan was still crying, I started to feel bad. I thought back to an article that Mothering had just done about "unweaning" a 3 year old. And I thought about how much I had pushed Keenan to grow up in the last year that his brother has been alive.
So with Ryan back asleep, I went into the room.
I came in and started with my usual "Why are you crying?" and "Do you know why mommy turned the TV off?" and he was so hurt, and so sad that I stopped thought of the girl in the article and said, "What do you need?"
"A Hug"
I cried. This was still my baby. Who was sick and my need for personal time had clouded my vision of why I was here, and why I had my kids in the first place.
I told him how much I loved him, and that I was sorry, and that mommy would try harder to put him first.
I asked him if he missed nursing, and he said yes. I offered that if he wanted to that he could. And that mommy loved him just as much as Ryan.
He looked at me and said, "That's silly mommy! I am a big boy! Big boys don't nurse!"
That is when I got my wake up call. He really is a big boy, but still needs as much love and support and physical attention as he did as a baby...
So we sat there for the rest of Ryan's nap, snuggling on the bed, with his head on my chest.
I love you Keenan.


Stinx' Mom said...

You are a great mom. Don't ever doubt it.

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