Younger and Wiser?

I was just looking at a bunch of my favourite Bloggers the other day PhD in Parenting, CodeName Mama, The Feminist Breeder and Christie Haskell on the Stir. All pretty much blog about my "type" of parenting. I think their blogs are wonderfully informative and I forward them often to friends on Facebook.

I was noticing today, as they have all posted about their own families recently, that not one of them has a child *over* 6. (PhD in Parenting's son is the oldest and born in 2004)

What is up with that?

It's a theme that has been following me for a while and just now rearing it's ugly head in my Blogreel. My child is older than the children of a lot of the parents that I go to for advice.

I really don;t think that this is intentional...I follow blogs because I am a techy. I have had this particular blog since I was pregnant with my first (way back in 2004/2005) because I was looking for somewhere that I could share the milestones of pregnancy with friends (since I was the first to get preggo - well... second).

Some would say that maybe it is because Blogging is so new. Well, that is kinda true but there are bloggers of teenagers out there..they just don't blog about "parenting" and more about "life" or school/food/crafts/cakes/etc. etc.

Others would say that it is because "Attachment Parenting" or "instinctual parenting" or what ever you want to call it, is new....and it really isnt. Dr.Sears came out with his first books in the late 70's early 80's...and my own mother breastfed and co-slept with ALL her kids until they were 2. (not to mention sharing feelings, gentle discipline...the whole deal (pssst. she was also a TEEN mom - does that shock you?! :P )

I feel that when I read these posts of my favourite bloggers I get more of a sense of validation...that yes, I have been saying that all along, or hey, I blogged about that 3 years ago, or just wait until your child is 4....

What I would love is to read a blog by a mother who parents like I do, but has children that are OLDER than mine. I want to see what she would have done *differently* so that I can maybe change some of the things that I do in my life.

When everyone is going through the same thing, it is great to commiserate, but you don't learn as much as listening to someone who has already *been* at that stage and survived to tell the tale.

What do you think? Do you follow any "AP" blogs that feature parents who have older kids????

Great Apps for Preschoolers

While many parents will shy away from technology I have fully embraced it for me and my kids. We are all apple users. A year ago I got a MacBook Pro for Christmas from my hubby and with the purchase we got a free iPod Touch. It kind of sat dormant in the car until one day I was searching "Transformer" Apps out of curiosity and then both me and my 5 year old son have been hooked!

Many parents wonder what are some Apps that are appropriate for kids, so I have put together a list of all the Apps that my children (preschoolers) love!

Angry birds - Who doesn't love this App? It is incredibly easy to navigate and it teaches physics at the same time. While my son just loads the slingshot and fires without much thought...he loves to see the buildings crash to the ground. He also passes some levels that I get stuck on, because he just doesn't stop firing!

Animatch - A matching game. I am not a huge fan of the matching games but my kids love them. This one is more for the 5 year old and not the 3 year old as the little one just gets frustrated. The cool part about this App is that when you press on a tile it makes the sound that the animal makes so not only are you using visual learning, but audio as well. (and kinaesthetic if you attribute that to the tap screen.)

Glow free - These are kind of like old school "paint" for windows. You just pick a colour and drag it across the screen. Both boys like this App. Easy, easy to use.

Fire Lite - This is a really cool App. It is just like the "paint" above but it is with fire. The kids can make it glow and get hotter and change the direction of the flame. Even I like this one!

Zoola - This is a great App for the under 5 set. (yes I let my 3 year old play too!) This App. has 3 screens with 12 animals each. Farm, safari and forest. The child presses one of the animals and it lets you see/hear how to say it's name and what it sounds like (male, female and baby). I really like this one, and my 3 year old does too! It is a really easy to use App. and great for teaching the little ones how an iPod/iPhone works.

Planets - This App. isn't really for kids but it is a Free App. and you can't go wrong with Free! It actually shows you all the constellations and the way that the planets look in 3D. My kids don't understand this one as much but they like to look at Earth and Venus and se how alike they are and it leads to many different conversations about space!

Cute Math - Exactly like it says...cute! This is another Free App. so the quality isn't that great (picture wise) but the idea is there, and I don't think the kids notice that the graphics are not outstanding. Kids are told how many melons or apples they are supposed to collect and then drag them to the basket. They also do easy adding and subtracting. A little early for my particular kids, but you can never start math too early in my opinion. :)

Feed Me (french) - This is another great Free App. that teaches kids french. (Although I wish I understood it!) Oh, well....exposure to another language is good...right?

Lekar - This App. is made by IKEA, which I think is awesome. IKEA is known for being an innovative company and this App. is no exception. It's whole premise is to get you up and active with your kids, and I love that!!

Animals Lite - This is a letter/word recognition game where the child drags the letters into the right spots to make a word. Each letter says it's name and when they are strung together properly they hear what the word says. This one is more for 4-6year olds.

Tales 2 Go - I just downloaded this App. as they had a free trial. It is basically stories for different age groups. My kids don't love this one as much as Angry Birds or Make a Martian, but they do use it and sit quietly for the amount of time it takes for the story to finish...which is a win in my books!

Word Wiggler - What starts with this letter, etc. This App. is great for learning letter recognition. Both my boys love this App. and it is super easy to navigate for the 3 year old which is awesome. I like how they will play this one together, the older one telling the younger which is right!

Make A Martian - The kids LOVE this one, and who wouldn't? Super easy to use for both the kids and this is the one that they fight over... (need a new iPod it seems). The basic premise is that the kids click different eyes, ears and tentacles among other things! I really recommend this one.

And lastly, the App. that started it all.

Cybertoy Free - Or so it says! This App. is smart because each transformer costs .99c and of course the kids want everyone. I do like that they can transform the cars with a swipe of a finger and that there is an option for Bumblebee to bust a move, but otherwise this is the App. that I load when I need that 15 mins of peace.

Do you have any favourites? Leave your suggestions in comments.

Screw the Books

As some of you may know I have been in this parenting journey for 5 years. Funny enough 5 years seems like a lifetime. Working with parents I am exposed to a lot of mommy judgement, not directed at me in particular but listening to moms conversations when I am setting up or taking down a class, trade fair, event etc.

And every single year new moms put their feet so far up their butts it is not even funny. They talk and gossip about how so-and -so and her kid is so this or so that. How the kid will be messed up, and how they will NEVER do that....

I know, I know! I did it too!! This is the sad part. We are so disconnected with our community that we don't even know it!! Imagine if you became friends with moms before you were pregnant...if we had an opportunity to learn rather than judge?

When I had my first son I had to run into a local baby store to grab a soother clip or something and left him in the car with my husband...he was 3 0r 4 months old. In the store there were these two moms having a conversation, one was holding her baby and the other had her (7 to 9 month old) baby sitting/crawling on the floor.

I can't tell you how disgusted I was. I mean that baby was on the dirty store floor!!! Gross.....laughable isnt it?!

My children would NEVER go on a gross floor like that....oh yes they would! And later when I had my third he would eat cheerios of said gross floor if it meant I could make a purchase with both hands!

The Feminist Breeder wrote a post recently about this phenomena. It's so true, each generation of mothers sits upon her high horse if only for a moment to be kicked off by her kid...maybe not kid #1, or #2 but at some point she will.

Reading every parenting book and following every class and doing everything that the "experts" say will NOT make your kids any less fucked up than they are going to be. It will just make you feel more depressed that you are doing it all *wrong*.

YOU ARE NOT DOING IT WRONG.

Impossible Passport Photos

We would like to take a holiday into the states later this year to visit family. We thought that we would drive since we really don't want to have to deal with any of the TSA drama that has been unfolding in the last couple months.

We also thought that it may be a good experiment to either A. See how insane we really are. or B. See if we can make it as far as it will take us to the cottage in the summer, and C. If we can make it there without killing ourselves, the kids or eachother (all in the figurate sense of course!)

So the trip (driving) is going to take us a minimum of 3 days. We know that to be realistic that it will probably take closer to 4 because we have 3 small children and a dog that will probably need to pee just as mush as the children do...so maybe 4 days isn't even realistic....hmmmm......

Anyway, because we are leaving our beautiful but COLD country and decided to go down to the warmer parts of the U.S of A. we needed to get passports. However, getting passport photos for 3 children under the age of 5 is a journey all in itself.

First of all they want your children to look straight on into the camera so that they can see *both* of their ears. This is almost impossible as kids look everywhere BUT where you tell them to. Second their mouths must be shut...ummm...so after you spend YEARS trying to get them to smile at the camera you are now telling them NOT to.

My five year old would not look at the camera even with bribing him to. I tried to no avail to get him to look straight, no smile, chin up, look straight, chin up....straight!!!! It was so frustrating. So finally after we got his picture done and on to the next kid to do this all over, the photog told us...it's too dark!!!

We finally got all the pics done after 45 mins (no joke) of pleading, threatening, and bribing....and still have to see if the passport office will make us do it again.

Sigh.

What are your tips for getting passport pictures done with children?

Pass the Vegetables Please

My son is a vegetarian. He refuses to eat anything that ever had a heart beat. The rest of our family is about 75 - 80% vegetarian depending on the week. Ever since I had my first son I have been trying to eat more local, sustainable and in season. I have many friends who are vegetarian, vegan and the like, but I have never been able to fully commit myself. (it's the sushi and the lamb).

At first I thought that my son was just an incredibly picky eater. He was only 3 years old. He just didn't like the way chicken tasted...or beef...or lamb...or fish....hmmm. I tried him on Tofu expecting him to turn his nose up at it, I mean even some grown ADULTS turn their nose up to tofu. But no, he gobbled up his whole plate and asked for seconds and thirds!!

I tried to bribe him with chicken nuggets and fish and chips. He wouldn't have any of it. More carrots he would ask, more sweet potatoes, more peas. I finally resigned myself to the fact that my 5 year old can make some decisions all by himself.

He loves Edaname. Can't get enough noodles and loves to eat gnocchi. Veggie Potstickers, spring rolls, and of course peanut butter sandwiches. There isn't too many veggies that he doesn't like apart from mushrooms and black beans.

I used to try and fight it, because lets face it, vegetarian is a better/healthier option...but for a busy mom of 3 sometimes it's easier to get drive thru Swiss Chalet.

Freak of Nature.

When I would go out with my first I would secretly hope that people would look at me and think how cute my baby was. I really did. I loved getting those smiles that people give you when they see you with your first baby. Of course, they could have been secretly thinking, "hahaha! She doesn't know what she is in for!" But, I think for the most part people just like seeing babies.

After I became pregnant with my second, I would hope the same. I would hold my 2/3 year olds hand and then have the baby in my carrier of choice. We would walk and people would say, "oh, what sweet boys you have..." I really enjoyed just going out with the two of them and walking wherever we needed to go, taking our time and being our silly selves.

I didn't think that it would change. As my brood got bigger I thought that people would still give me that smile and say how precious my kids were. They didn't change, so why would I think that the interaction with people would?

But it did. I wrote about it in this post and this post. It were these outings that made me feel like a freak of nature with all of my kids. And the sad thing is that I only have 3. Many people I know have 4 or even more. I dread going out with them. I feel like everyone is looking at me, and maybe it is all in my head, but I can't handle the judgement. I just don't have the confidence to put up with it.

Sometimes I get the nerve to try go out again with all 3 because I need something that can't wait until the husband comes home. But inevitably every time that I do, fate steps in and shows me that I am a fool to think that anything should really go my way.

For example. We went to the grocery store (ahh the grocery store land of judgement galore) and I had both my kids in the "car cart" and the baby in the wrap (tied loosely because he was nursing). The 3 year old started acting out and standing on his seat, I warned him that I was going to buckle him in..he ignored me. So I calmly leaned over and put the strap on...the baby started fussing because he was being compressed by me bending over (but it would take a SECOND to snap the strap and we could go) and all of a sudden this old lady (70's) came over yelling, "HIS HEAD!! HIS HEAD!! YOU ARE SQUISHING THE BABY'S HEAD!!!" and I was...a bit...(it really wasnt that bad.)

Anyway, the WHOLE aisle then decided to look at this freak wearing this long piece of cloth tied to her squishing her baby, and her two other children crying and whining.....I wanted to crawl in a hole...I thanked the lady, said he was fine, and left.

I go to that particular store often, and feel sad that it's things like that which make me afraid to go out.

It's almost like I feel ashamed to have 3 children. When I am around my friends I don't as like I said, many of us have more than one...but when in public and I have one child holding my left hand, and one child holding my right, and then the baby on the front, it just makes me feel uncomfortable.

ps. the picture is from Demi Bella which I am totally ordering from!

Barely Making It? Change it up.

I have talked before how it irritates me when people say "I don't know how you do it" in regards to single parenting 85% of the time. My response is always "Not well!" Today was sure one of those examples!

My lovely sister came over last night to watch my children for me so that I could go on a much needed Moms Night Out. (which I enjoyed immensely) When I came home we decided to stay up and have some girl time. I stayed up WAY too late! 2 am is not okay for moms of 3 kids. I felt sick in the morning. (and I didn't get my latte, so that makes me grouchy as well). She helped me put together some furniture (IKEA), and then went back to her life...and I back to mine.

There is something about lack of sleep and lack of latte that makes children's fighting and whining that much more hard to take, and makes me a much worse parent. I was yelling and screaming and sending kids to their rooms because *I* was having the tantrum.

It's interesting how just that little bit of extra sleep can really change the tone of the day. Also, how when I lose control it just reinforces the behaviours that I don't really like to see in them...but they are just copying the way that I react when I am having a tough go.

Weekends have always been the toughest in any case because being alone with no adult interaction really drains on me. But I have said this before. I really feel that being a parent that tries to be present and aware of my kids feelings etc, sets me up for a little bit more failure because the expectations of my self are much higher than they could be.

I try not to speed through the day because I don't want to rush through their childhood, so I decided instead to sign them both up for a class. It's a sports class right in the middle of the day. So we get out, change the routine and make the day better.

After our class we visited Starbucks and got hot chocolates, and my latte... we then came home and watched a movie together, dinner then bedtime....and the hope that tomorrow will be much better! :)

Confessions of a Lazy Mom

As of late I have seen many different blog posts and Facebook statuses of moms telling WHY they choose to do something one way or the other way. A lot of these posts pertain to the AP or "attachment parenting" way, or as it is now being called "instinctual", "intuitive" or "natural" way of raising children.

What gets my goat up is when these mommy bloggers extoll the virtues of their way, or that it is the "best" way of raising children....not that it is just a different way. I don't understand why they have to "defend" their position.

So, I have decided to come out of the closet and tell you how I started to "AP". It's because I am the laziest parent you will ever meet.

Breastfeeding : Which is easier?

1. Popping a boob into the mouth of a hungry 4 month old and going back to sleep, or

2. going to the store, finding formula, buying the right bottles,

sterilizing said bottles, walking down the hallway at 4am to mix the formula, feed the

baby, burb the baby and then have to wash the bottles and start all over again?

Having said all that, I did have to use bottles and formula for my first born as we had an uphill battle with establishing nursing for the first 6 months, but I can tell you that while nursing my 2nd and 3rd with no issues Breastfeeding is the easier choice. Convenient, less work, and way way more sleep.

CoSleeping/Bed Sharing : Which is easier?

1. Laying down with the baby when you get tired and nursing them to sleep and falling asleep yourself, and when they wake up, pulling them close and popping said boob...or

2. Rocking, shushing, bouncing, nursing, to sleep, trying to transfer, having them wake up 20 mins later to start all over again, waking in the middle of the night, having to get out of bed and walk down the hallway to get the baby to sleep and then come back to your own bed exhaused to start all over again an hour later?

I absolutely started bedsharing with my kids because I did not want to have to walk down the hallway and go and get them. It was so much easier for me just to roll over, comfort them and go back to sleep. Sure there is a safe way of cosleeping and of course I need to highlight it, and funny enough people who do feed children formula should not...but for me and the fact that I was nursing through the night, it saved me HOURS of sleep. This was not at all about lowering the risk of SIDS, about regulating body temperature, or for bonding...it was all because I am way to lazy to get out of bed in the middle of the night.

Babywearing: Which is easier?

1. Having a baby content and sleeping on you or

2. Holding your baby all day until your arms feel like they are going to drop off, or trying to get the baby calm and then putting them down, only to have them cry and have to pick them up and do this over and over and over again, or have to buy so many batteries for all the devices that they now make to give us some reprieve for our sore arms?

I think I became a babywearer the first time I tried to pee while holding my son. It's true. He had fallen asleep while nursing and I didnt want him to wake up when I tried to transfer him so I thought, how hard can it be to pee holding something that weighs 10lbs? HARD. Getting my pants around my ankles wasn't the hard part, it was pulling them back up...with one hand...and dont even get me started on the button. I know, I know, too much information...but seriously, it was the hardest thing ever. Put that baby in a wrap however (mind the tails) and you can do ANYTHING! Anything. With two hands the possibilities are endless!! You can eat steak!! You can cut it yourself!! (I also babywear with wraps because they are cute...but that is another blog post.)

There are many more things that I do because of my laziness...but that is for another day. (the kids are bugging me to play!!) :)

A New Year - A New Outlook

I have been feeling extremely burnt out with the husband being away so often that it is spilling into all aspects of my life. I feel that I am a grouchy friend, a grouchy mom, and just pessimistic in general.

I have decided that every time that I feel the urge to post a whiny status update on Facebook I will write about something that I feel grateful for instead. It will be a stretch but I am sure that I will be able to turn my pessimistic attitude around.

For the most part it comes from having to be a single parent for more than half of the year with little to no support. I find it interesting that people always wonder "How do I do it" and the sad truth is that I don't have a choice...what else are we going to do? This recession has hit us just as hard as it has hit anyone else...so we truck on.

It's not the taking care of the kids that puts me in a bad mood, because for the most part my kids are pretty awesome. They like each other and play really nicely, they listen and are a joy to be around...we have our moments, but what parent doesn't?

It's AFTER the kids go to bed. When I am all alone with no one to talk to about my day. I came from a family of 6, there was always someone around to just BE around. To talk to, or not talk to...but they were there. Now my family is Facebook or A&E.

It's so easy to get sucked into the computer and chat with people but I am feeling a massive lack of community. Maybe I am the type of person who just needs more - who knows? But I am going to try and look on the bright side, do more things than the computer and TV....and get a life.

An Activist

*Warning Rant to Come*

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. While I love to see what my friends are doing and like to read interesting articles that they share, and connect with clients for business...I can not stand all the so called "activism". Especially when it comes from the AP/Natural Parenting Camp. Do these moms have nothing better to do with their time then to make other moms feel like crap.

One mom went as far to say that it wasn't her that was making people feel guilty for whatever (carseats/breastfeeding/circumcision) because she could not *make* anyone have feelings that they don't already have.

Give me a break!!

Of course you can make people feel bad when you get on the "I am a better parent than you because I birthed my babies in a tub with dolphins, breastfed and coslept until 6 and am still re-facing at age 10." Oh, I didn't include the "I love my son more because I didn't mutilate him" comment.

Get off your high horse.

I actually did have a homebirth, breastfed, and have un-circ'ed boys....but I didn't do it so that I could use them as some sort of trophy in the mommy war. I did it because *I* wanted to.

All I want for women is to feel supported in their choices and to feel empowered when they make a choice. If that choice is to have an elective C-section, to buy formula from Mercola, or to choose to circumcise her OWN son so be it.

Thank goodness that we live in a country where we have the opportunities to make these decisions ourselves. Imagine if we didn't. Or imagine that instead of Car Seat Techs arguing about how long a child needs to rear face, if they got OFF the computer and went down to the hospital or birthing center or MALL in their area and did car seat checks to make sure that they were all installed correctly.

The last point I have to make is that when you become a "fan" on Facebook, it means that you "like" something enough to take the time to click on whatever it is...this doesn't mean that you need to be exposed to doctrine every single day about this cause.

Take breastfeeding for example. Yes, I "like" it...but don't you think I know already about the benefits? I already said that I liked it.

I have to say that I am really grumpy, but I am so tired of the same posts being shared over and over again, by people who have never been on the other side, or who don't really want to.

Do you think that mom who posted about not being able to make people "feel" guilty has ever felt guilty? Or perhaps we should find something that she does feel guilty about and then fill her inbox with those posts over and over and over.

Have some compassion and meet people where they ARE.

The Thyroid

Sucks.

I went to get my thyroid tested again as I am feeling tired, and insomniac, and grumpy and all other symptoms that are related to being Hyperthyroid.

And yes...my levels are off. In order for the doctor to figure if it is Graves or a nodule, I have to do the iodine in the blood thing so that they can see if it affects the whole thyroid or just a part of it. This would only take a day to do, and then I would have a definitive answer....but it also means that I can't nurse for 2-5 days. I could still be home with E but not able to nurse....what the heck am I supposed to do? How could I explain to a 10 month old that I have no interest in stopping nursing but that we need to take a break for 5 days for *his* own good.

If I hadn't had such issues with keenan maybe i wouldn't feel so against stopping. It's not the nutrition for me. It's totally the bonding, and being able to comfort at my own breast.

I had hoped that perhaps being 5 years older and wiser and meeting all different types of people and so many different ways of parenting that I would know that it isn't that big of a deal.

But it is. To *ME*.

I just don't want to stop. I feel so torn. Selfish and Stupid.

How can I comfort my baby without my breasts? It seems impossible to me.

I hate this.

Hate it.

Sucks.

A Conundrum

When I was first a new parent 5.5years ago, I parented with my gut and agonized over the "type" of parent that I wanted to be. I had been given Babywise as a gift while pregnant and the whole book rubbed me the wrong way. I happened to stumble upon an ad for a online parenting group that called themselves "Attachment Parents" but really thought nothing of the term, because I thought that all parents were "attachment parents"...didn't we all want to be attached to our kids?

And really, all that I was looking for were people to connect with because as a 24 year old University student I had absolutley NO friends with kids....ok not entirely true because my best friend had a baby just out of highschool but she lives in another province.

So there I was looking for people to go on playdates with. So I joined this group and started asking questions and posting, and finding myself pretty mainstream and not entirely supported by this group. They had their ways and apparently I was not crunchy enough. I made some good connections and the women were really nice people, just a lot of them were at least 5 to 10 years my senior and were pretty black and white when it came to what was acceptable and what wasn't.

So I joined another local pay for service forum to find more people to bond with, meanwhile I was still having issues breastfeeding and finding no support what so ever, other than the LLL. So I joined this other group and it was way more mainstream, but the parents were even older and the kids were all older too, and I felt like an even bigger outsider.

A couple moms posted asking questions about Crying-It-Out and I posted links to articles and blogs that I had gotten...but really I had no idea because who would really leave their child to cry? I mean really? My baby was a great sleeper and I could sleep with him and he could breastfeed while I was sleeping so really, what was wrong with them.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't get flamed. At the time it pissed me off so badly because all these women got so much support for CIO or ignoring their babies and I was the one being told that I lived in fairy tale land.

I left that group, and coincidentally met a really good friend of mine at a LLL meeting. I gave the AP group a second chance and started recruiting. I have met many many inspiring women throughout my time with them...I have also met women that make me want to put my head through the wall...but that is life!

I became a really strong advocate for cosleeping, and/or responding to your baby...but more importantly *listening to your own gut*.

Sure mother to mother support is paramount, and we need tribes to keep us sane, but at the same time we have to be aware of the decisions that we make and how they affect us and own own families. Cosleeping doesn't work for everyone. It works for me, but I am one person in a city of one million.

I have found often in my years of being a "attachment parent" that this type of parent is too smart.

Let me try to explain...it's like smart and neurotic, but somewhat insecure. I am not excluding myself from this evaluation. I came to this conclusion when I was picking my oldest up from school and was explaining to one of the moms how much I loved Alfie Kohn. She did not have a clue who I was talking about. She said that she wasn't really into parenting books and did most of her parenting by instinct.

This is exactly my point. I was the moderator of the AP group of my city for 3.5 years and in that time I read every single questionnaire. "What is Attachment Parenting to you?" and almost every single answer was "I didn't know that what I was doing had a name until I *read* about it somewhere."

So back to being way too smart and neurotic...Attachment Parents are researchers. They research the hell out of something to find the appropriate answer. Textbooks, parenting books, expert advice, emails, forums and websites, blogs, all searching for what an "AP" parent would do in that particular situation....but the kicker is that no one actually knows because AP is not something you do, it is something you are.

Most people follow Dr. Sears Baby B's...but I have said before and I will say it again...do you really think he did all those? He was on tour making money. Bottom line. He had 8 kids to feed. It was Martha who really knows...but then she only knows how to parent *her* own kids.

So back to the CIO and the rest of the rules etc. We as "AP'ers" try to hold ourselves to some higher standard that our "mainstream" counterparts. I was right to get flamed by all those women. They were older and wiser and had learned more about parenting than I had in the 18 mos that I was a parent of one pretty easy boy.

But what happens in the AP community, I am noticing is that new moms come in trying to find out what constitutes AP and how to assimilate into the community but only have parents of children that are maybe 2 to 4 years older than their own children to gather information from. And you have your die hards that live on another level, or your super "natural/green" parents that follow another sect, and so the new mommies think that this is the norm that these are the parents that they have to look up to...when really in real life they are nothing like the posts and chats that they answer.

Really. Who is going to actually say that they did something that is not AP on an AP forum. NO ONE. Because people are so afraid of losing their community or tribe or what have you.

So they form little separate groups with other moms of kids the same age and get together in real life and find out that it's okay to dislike your child somedays, and that makes you human.

But this doesn't help the community as a whole because those secret conversations are not shared with all the new mommies that are looking for support.

It seems to me to be a real conundrum.

People are not completely honest for fear of being judged by those who are afraid of being judged themselves. All because some "expert" wants to make money by selling a book, and tours and an endorsed "arms reach cosleeper."

So, in closing to this incredibly long winded blog post...I am going to post the things that I hate about myself and how I parent...a confessions post (which we used to do in the AP group long ago) to let others see just how human I am.

Is Santa Real?

Every year there are a slurry of posts about whether or not to "do" Santa. Lots of parents feel like it is lying to their kids and do not feel comfortable with it.

This post of Code Name Mama really breaks it down on why that particular blogger doesn't engage in the Santification of Christmas.

I get it. I really do. Of course we don't want to lie to our kids about anything, but you are lying to yourself if you think that you will never stretch the truth with regards to your kids.

I hate the commercialization of Christmas. There is nothing that I hate more than having to think of some gift that you know is just going to get re-gifted or returned or the like. Wasting money. I would rather give homemade items or things that I know will get used.

I personally think that Christmas is only for children, and because of that we "do" Santa every year. For me it's not lying. I don't tell my kids that there is a Santa. I ask them what they think, and they think that he is real.

Who am I to tell them that he isn't? Just because I personally don't believe in something doesn't mean that it ceases to exist for anyone else.

Also, because St. Nick was a real person, (as far as anyone knows) then why can't we still celebrate the idea?

Really.... I am finding it harder to explain to my son the story of Jesus. And you know what? I use the exact same wording when it comes to Jesus and God as I do for Santa.

Some people believe in Santa. Do you Keenan? How do you think he gets from house to house, etc etc. Some people believe in Jesus. Do you Keenan? Do you think there were angels at his birth? And you know what...he does.

Is it lying that I don't tell him MY belief on God or Jesus or angels, or fairies etc.

I want my kids to question the world and question my beliefs and my parent's beliefs and my husband's beliefs and on and on...because they are human, and we have the ability to think and learn for ourselves.

So I will provide information, and let my kids believe in what they want to believe and support that decision and play along....because really I have never stopped believing.

Santa, in my opinion is the spirit of giving.

Time Marches On

As everyday goes by I think that I want to update my blog but never seem to have the time. I started this blog to keep my musings as I am a journaling type of person and enjoy writing for leisure. With the kids being sick non-stop these last two weeks any type of "leisure" seems to be a pipe dream, but isn't that just the way? The kids take priority.

Getting sick this week myself showed me what awesome supports I have in this city of mine. We had a massive dump of snow and yet my friend still came to my house with a bottle of gingerale, and my parents drove to come and collect my whole family so that my mom could take care of us.

While being taken care of, instead of being the one taking care of, it really hit me how in denial of my hyperthyroidism I am.

Last year while pregnant with Ewan I was diagnosed with Graves disease and at the time I was devastated. No, it's not cancer, but it is a major lifestyle change, diet change, daily medication and the like. Stuff that until this week I was just not interested in even thinking about.....but as the post says "Time marches on" and I really need to get it under control.

Not only because I am hungry all the time, and yet do not have an appetite, but also because I am so tired, and weak and insomniatic.

I need to get it together for the sake of my kids. I bet that I would be a way better mom without these incredible mood swings and anger outbursts...all related to hormones.

I am just so tired of being tired.

Re:I feel like such a terrible mother :-(

This blog post is an answer to a post on feeling overwhelmed and such with your first child when pregnant...I wanted to keep this to remind myself.

I have been trying different ways to post this and sounding supportive. Please read this with love and understanding as that is what I am trying to convey, and WISH that someone had posted this for me when I was feeling the same way... #1 - you are hormonal as many people have said which causes you to lose your temper faster or be irritated by things that may not have irritated you in the past. #2 - you are tired which is more of the same above #3 - you are wrapping your head around having another one and all the psychological stuff that comes with that...and believe me that in itself is a huge point. But, #4 - your daughter doesn't know any of that, and to her they are just empty excuses. When I was pregnant with my second, and after he was born my first (keenan's) whole world fell apart. I *used* to listen to his needs, wants, demands etc as much as I could, I researched, posted and listened to so many people, but it turned to all about ME because *I* was grumpy, *I* was tired, *I* was sick etc....so really *I* ceased to be the mom that he was used to the mom that he knew, I was some stranger that puked all the time and yelled. After coming out of it at 6mos post partum (and dealing with some PPD), I realized that I HATED myself for being that mom, and that I couldn't be AP if I had broken his little spirit so badly...and so became the anger to myself, which still eaked out towards keenan until he was 3.5-4. And then I got pregnant with Ewan and realized that these kids didnt ask for this. They don't ask for us as parents and they certainly do not ask for a sibling....so you know what, I stopped. I stopped yelling, and cursing and the like because *I* did this to *myself*. *I* was the one who was pregnant and if I wanted to get mad at anyone it needed to be at the man who made me that way and not the child who was just wanting a cuddle, a glass of milk or the like. We can not change their behaviour but we can change how WE react to it. I know you are sick, and tired and scared of not having enough love or that you won't be a "good" parent or an "AP" parent....but that doesn't really matter. Your daughter loves you NO MATTER WHAT! And if you feel bad now you can change the way that you are reacting so that you don't have the same regret that I have and feel bad for every. single. day. You are a GOOD MOM! You CARE! This shows that you are the best kind of mom. Stop beating yourself up, go into her room and tell her that you love her, that you are grumpy because you feel sick and remember she isn't doing any of that on purpose...she just needs you. So be there. And when you get so mad that you want to yell and scream and say how much you dislike your child at that moment for doing X, come on here, vent, blog, or call me (number left out for the world wide web)... because I have BEEN there and will never ever judge you.

Embracing ADHD

When my oldest son started Kindy earlier this year he was "flagged" for his intensity. The teacher (who I love) asked me if I wanted to pursue testing and coding. In this province if your child is diagnosed with a learning disability or condition such as ADD or ADHD then the school gets more money to use to help facilitate his learning.

I don't really want to code him as this would follow him around forever, and I also have no desire to medicate him.

I am trying so hard to just accept him as he is. He is a bright, extremely bright, well spoken, imaginative, sensitive, empathetic, curious, excited, active little boy. While some of his behaviours bother me, such as the growling and the intensity..I am trying to see them not as problems, but as personality.

I read this book "Raising the Spirited Chid" and it said, to get a child to stop a behviour such as intensity would be like asking him to stop breathing. It's pretty impossible. It's how he is hard wired.

So instead it is working on myself.

Right now I am finding it more difficult because my husband is away so often and the littlest one demands SO much of my attention. (read that - he can never be put down without screaming like his hands and feet have been cut right off!)

I know that all of this is just a phase in life and that I have to be more flexible and more understanding. I try very hard not to fly off the handle when the behaviours are manifesting. I take deep breaths and look at my children as they are - children.

Not little robots that I can control but people who are just learning and expressing themselves.

Tonight I had a "conversation" with my eldest son after the little boys went to bed.

It amazes me just how intelligent he is and how he holds things deep inside. The little things that bother him (like the baby crying) it makes me proud that he is the way he is.

The label of ADHD is really just a list of characteristics that I am happy that my son has. (and I also think a symptom of the society that they live in).

So I will embrace it, and welcome it, and live with it, and learn from it.

And love him more each day.

The Mommy Wars - a rant.

I have been in the parenting game for 5 years. I have many friends that are Stay at Home moms, Work at Home moms, Work out of Home moms - both full time, part time and some time.. Moms that are single parents, Moms that are sometimes single parents, and widow Moms. I know moms with one kid, two kids, three kids, 4 kids, 5 kids, 6 to 9 kids. Step moms, IVF moms, adopted moms.

I know moms that are in poly amorous relationships, moms that swing and moms that only have sex to get pregnant.

I know Gay moms, Straight moms, Bi moms and moms that havent decided. I know moms of just boys, of just girls or of both.

I know moms that homeschool. I know moms that just use public school, or private school or unschool.

The thing is that I know ALOT of moms and I feel that each and everyone of them is doing the best possible job that they can do with the resources that are given to them. We ALL love our kids so why do we continue to judge what each one of us does?

For me I feel that this mom vs. mom war tends to lessen as our children get older, but is then brought back into the limelight when a "new mommy" enters the club.

So what is the solution?

Perhaps by telling her that everything changes and the stuff that you think is so important at THIS stage won't matter in 5 years and to listen with an open heart to EVERYONES struggles and SOLUTIONS and that you will learn from it and change. And change. And change.

Being a mom is hard work.

Pat your self on the back.

Halloween Planning

Here are just a couple ideas that I am playing around with for halloween!

http://www.familycorner.com/family/kids/recipes/frankenstein-marshmallow-halloween-treats.shtml

http://www.amandascookin.com/2010/09/monster-brownies.html

Gory Hand - Presentation is everything.
This is both a yummy treat and a great decoration to scare your friends. Use a clean rubber glove. Make a strong cherry or other red jello by using 3/4 of the recommended amount of water. Hang the glove over the sink by using clothes pins attached to thin strips of wood. When the jello has cooled pour into glove and place in the deep freeze. Be careful not to have the hand pressing against anything or it will ruin the shape. When the jello is frozen cut the glove off using small scissors. Keep your masterpiece in the fridge until ready to display.

alternate Gory Hand tip:
Take a clean rubber glove and fill it with water, tie it and put it in the deep freeze. Keep it in there until your party. When you're ready take it out of the glove and put it in the punchbowl instead of ice!

http://www.halloweenishere.com/recipes.html

The Polite Thing

Picture this...you saved up all your money to buy a nice fancy car you have always wanted. You love the feel of the seats, the smell of the upholstery, the way that the engine purrs. You love it so much that you take it with you everywhere, and why wouldn't you? It's your favourite car.

One day you drive it to your mom's house for a dinner party. All your mom's friends are there and they gush about how cute you look in your new car. Your mom's best friend's daughter enters the room and tells you how much she would love a car like that.

You take people out to show it to them. You rev the engine. People love how shiny it is, and they comment on how great it is for you to have gotten it. You spend almost as much time in the party as you do outside admiring your new car.

Later in the evening you notice that your mom's friend's daughter has taken your keys and is attempting to drive away. You panic and run out side to stop her. Your mom grabs your arm and says, "Why not let Jenny have a turn? You have to share."

You get visibly upset. It is YOUR car! Why do you have to share it with anyone? You yell at your mom and say no! But, instead of your mom taking your side she tells you that you are not being a very nice child and that you have to learn how to share your things.

You are outraged! You kick and scream! You are so mad at Jenny for taking your car. No one is taking your side, and worse yet you are being punished for it.

You don't understand. You are so sad.

People laugh it off and say, "Ah that is life...everyone has to learn how to share."

But do we? Would you share your car if someone asked you to? Or how about if someone just came and took it....and maybe if you would, what if it was the one thing that meant the world to you...would you then?

Think about it for a second, and then ask your self why we expect our children to share if we as adults don't....

They Grow Up So Fast

It's true you know; that old saying that kids grow up so fast. While we are in he trenches some days just seem to go on and on and on, and you can't wait until bedtime so you can get your adult time (even if that just involves a pee by yourself).

The last couple of weeks has really shown me just how quickly children do grow. My eldest is in Kindergarten. I knew that by being 5 he was in the last year of babyhood, but now watching him run happily into in the school, not paying any attention to the fact that his mom stands there looking longingly at the little boy who is quickly morphing into a bigger boy.

And yes, the fart and pooping jokes are becoming more frequent, but it's not just that. It's this responsibility and this willingness to help and to take care of his brothers. It's when he notices that something is unjust and I have to try and explain why.

It's the level of understanding that he has, but with the sensitivity of the younger boy still in there.

I really feel like he is growing too fast. That these years just whipped by. All those days spent indoors watching treehouse because I was tired or sick or pregnant or just bored. Wasted.

As I look at this littlest one who can even roll over I think of just how much a person grows in 5 years, it's phenomenal really.

And I start asking myself if I did all I could do, and if I have no regrets and if I did everything that I wanted too...and I know I didn't, and I do have regrets, but there is nothing I can do except try harder now. Get more involved now.

Ignore the stuff that doesn't matter. It only takes a second to go and look at a picture or a craft or a playroom. Get down to his level and play. I say this over and over.

Honestly I think it's because I don't like "boy" play. It's way too rough. Dragons, dino's, cars and transformers....what about house, and store and family?

I have started to put reminder notes around the house to calm down, to breathe and to take time for my kids, and time for myself...which will give more time to my kids.

In 5 more years my eldest will be 10 and in grade 5.

I want him and I to look back and say, wow. That was a great childhood.