India - The Prequel

Hindu Temple

When you tell people that you are going to India they get really excited. I think it's because it is one of those exotic far-away destinations that almost everyone has on their bucket list. Maybe it's because it is so far away, or maybe because there is something for everyone. They have a rich history, amazing food, an incredible culture, nice weather, and spirituality that encompasses the whole country.

While we were travelling we saw tourists that fit in every one of these categories. Families there for the sun, backpackers there to experience the "real" India, older tourists visiting all the heritage sights, and many many people dressed in what I would consider yogi, or simple clothes following a spiritual path that only they and their god(s) knew of.

For many people India is a world that is full of mystery, and wonderings. It is so far removed from our western culture that it gets romanticized in our movies and media. You hear again and again from people who have been there that India is not a destination, but rather an experience. And, it was. However for me, it was not an experience that people would assume - you see it was not my first time to India, and going back coloured my experience in more ways than even I expected.

12 year old me

When I was 12 years old my parents and my three siblings moved to Kota, Rajasthan. My dad was working with the Canadian and Indian governments on a project and so my grade 6 year we moved from Canada into a 6 bedroom house in the outskirts of a little town in north west India. We had many servants, a cook and a nanny. (her name was Shanti) It sounds like it was glamorous or something but my parents are not like that at all. We had to have the servants as it was expected that a western family would have them.  Honestly though, my mom had 4 kids under 12 in a foreign country with no support so I think she enjoyed the help at least a little. We were not the only family that lived in Kota, as the project was quite big. I was lucky enough that there was another girl my age and we made fast friends the first day of "school". All the children on the project were homeschooled, but we also went to school with a teacher who made sure that we kept on track with curriculum.

A Holy Cow

I can't really sum up that year except to say that THIS was the experience that people talk about. I think that it would have been the same had we gone to any third world country. I was an adolescent girl who was  acutely aware of myself. Incredibly self conscious and even more so as I was one of 40 or so families that were white. People noticed me. All the time. They looked, stared, and gestured. People smiled and were curious...and I, who has always been an extrovert, was incredibly shy. This was the one year of my life that I feel I took a backseat and WATCHED instead of jumping right up to the front as I usually do - even to this day.

The reason behind this is because I was a complete outsider. Not only did I not speak the language, but I was also a girl (becoming a woman), and at that time women were expected to act differently than they would be in North America. I had to learn new ways to carry myself, to talk to elders, to men, to my brothers. Having always been the oldest in my family, it surprised me when people would comment on how I must pay so much respect to these two little brats that made my life miserable, how there were celebrations for them, how I was to respect them. I can't really explain what it is like to grow up in a culture with such freedom for women and girls, and then living within another one that marginalizes them.

Experiences are the things that shape you. I credit India for shaping me.

When I came back to Canada I was again the outsider. Of course it was Jr.High, but how can one girl go back into the social pecking order that is adolescence when her whole idea of the world is vastly different than that of all her classmates?

I had felt racism directed at me. I had felt inequality in my soul. I saw true poverty with my own eyes. True desperation, and real suffering. I had witnessed squalor, filth, hopelessness and death. But I had also witnessed understanding, compassion, joy, and a work ethic like no other. This changes you, especially if this happens in those formative years when you are just learning about yourself. My experience made me more compassionate, more empathetic, and more understanding of all people around me. It also made me incredibly grateful for the life that I have been so lucky to be born into - that of a middle class Canadian woman.

Wearing a Sari as an Adult

And yes, India was amazing. I will share what I learned this time around in a series of posts. I am not sure how many I will do as this one wasn't really supposed to go into this direction - but I have a feeling none of them will since it is about a country that has touched my very soul.

Switch Witch and Buy Backs

I was planning on writing this post next week, but I am going to Blissdom Canada so next weeks posts might be a little more about that and a little less about Halloween. Don't worry though, you can still see what I am doing over at Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

It's no secret that my son and I are allergic to dairy. I first became sensitive to milk as a teen and it has escalated from there. My son, on the other hand, showed symptoms of dairy allergy the very first time it was introduced it to him. I then had him checked out by our Naturopath and had the allergy testing formally done.

Being allergic to dairy really sucks. It is in everything. However, as an adult I can suck it up…my son, not so much. He gets really distraught that every "cool" thing has dairy in it. All types of chips (other than natural), all chocolate (unless it is from a health food store), and cookies, cupcakes, crackers and pretty much anything processed. This leads to a really healthy lifestyle, but he pines for the same things that his friends have. Goldfish and Dunkaroos - why cant you have a dairy-free option?!

The Whole Stash

Halloween is especially problematic. I would wager that 80% of the candy given out is chocolate, so to over come this we go twice the distance that we regularly would because when you sort it all out you are left with less than half the stuff they collected…and then when you take out the gross things (like black liquorice and no - name gummy candies) and the Jawbreakers (that they can't have yet), we are left with a 1/6th of the stash.

Non-Milk

Milk Products

Now, obviously my kids are disappointed by this and so we came up with a couple ways so to soften the blow. After we go through all the candy we put half of the castoffs on the front porch for the Switch Witch to come and collect it and leave a toy for them instead. This is such a win-win for us as the kids are happy to give away the candy and I am happy that there are no tears!

Switch Witch to the Rescue!

Here is a great video by Mama Natural about the Switch Witch.




Another thing that we do is go to our local Candy Buy Back. There are many different incarnations of the Buy Back and not all operate the same way. For the most part they are organized by dentists who all have a party the day after Halloween and pay the kids a dollar a pound for their unwanted Halloween candy. (my particular dentist also donates a pound of apples to our local food bank for every pound of candy that collected.)

Isn't he Cute?!

This is great for us because the chocolate bars are going to get thrown out anyway - so does it really matter if it is my dentist's trash bin or mine?

I know a lot of moms like the idea of the Buy Back just not the trash part, and I agree somewhat, but not for the waste of candy, more for the adding to the landfill. My particular dentist made a great YouTube video that shows exactly why they throw out the candy and how they are hoping to convert it into fuel in the upcoming years. That way more families will get on board.

Are you a fan of the Switch Witch or the Buy Back? Or are you completely against them? Share your comments below.

He and ADHD

My son was diagnosed with ADHD.

Lego Ninjago

How many times have you read that? Many I suppose. It's not like it is some new age diagnosis that has been over diagnosed by pediatricians that have no idea what they are really talking about since it is a brain thing - and not a body thing - or is it both?

The point is that yes, many kids have it.

It's not a death sentence. Its not something that can be cured. It's not something that needs to be worn on the sleeve if his shirt to let everyone know that hey, he may be a little different. It's not an excuse for bad behaviour. It's not an excuse for any behaviour at all.

It's the way he thinks. It's in his DNA. In his brain chemistry. And yes, some if the behaviours that are symptoms can be hard to deal with for me. But they are also hard for him. He doesn't think like me. He doesn't understand some social cues. He doesn't understand personal space. He doesn't understand why his playing really loudly can sometimes cause adults to be irritated - he doesn't realize that he is doing it. And he isn't doing it on purpose.

I can tell him a million times that he needs to "be quiet" or that he must "calm down" or "stop moving" but that isn't going to make him stop. It will just make me more frustrated. It will also hurt his self esteem. But I will still do it. I am only human. 

Loves to Learn! 

The worst part about ADHD is that these kids are smart. Not just book smart, but smart beyond their years. They are creative, and think outside the box. They are leaders, forward thinkers and trail blazers. They take risks. (this may be because they lack the executive functioning not to think about risk, before they take them... But this is beside the point.)

The reason why this is bad is because you, the parent, the teacher, the adult can forget so quickly that these children are different and your expectations of them will be off. You will expect more of them than needs to be expected - and that isn't fair to him and it certainly isn't fair to you.
But life isn't fair. 

The best thing I can do is educate myself and continue to ask questions. Try to view the world from his eyes. Try to remind myself daily that he isn't like his brothers and to stop comparing them. To see them as individuals with different strengths and weaknesses - not better nor different - but unique to them. 

Inquisitive

It has taken me a long time to write this post. We knew that he was a challenge when he was younger and had flags go up as he progressed in school. Why such a bright kid was having so many problems, we knew it was coming. I didn't want to know - and even now am wary of the diagnosis as it is a label..and who really wants the label good or bad or indifferent? 

But I need to own it. To be an advocate for him and for our whole family. To learn and share my knowledge to other families going through the same thing but maybe not as vocal as me.. (who is) who maybe don't have the same background as me and maybe don't know what questions to ask. 

I struggled when they gave me the 12 page report that outlined all the tests and issues and suggestions and considerations about my son. But you know what? Its just a piece of paper. He is who he is for a reason. It is my job as his mom to give him the tools to be the best that he can be just by being himself.
                                                

I love this boy!!

**update Aug 31 - After writing my blog I recieved some comments and so I decided to compose a Vlog for you. (sorry for the lighting and the crappy quality - working on it)

Formula vs Breastfeeding : A rant

This is an response to Breast Feeding vs Formula : A Rant. 


I am getting so tired of this. Blog after blog after blog of formula feeding moms that have to set the record straight about how they feel persecuted by the breastfeeding police. That they were somehow judged somewhere and some how by some horrible LLL leader or "breastfeeding Nazi". (btw - this term is horribly offensive and disrespectful to the people who have survived the holocaust and those affected by it. - more on that later.)


Why is it that when a mom asks for support or encouragement for breastfeeding issues she gets an onslaught of
             
I went through this and eventually had to switch to formula, with both babies, it was very discouraging and I felt like a failure, but sometimes our bodies just can't give our babies what they need. YOu obviously are trying and love your baby and that's what is most important. Keep on trying and if it doesn't work out, know that you tried everything you could, you are still a great mom who wants what's best for your baby!


I have been to various lactation consultants and the LaLeche League. I hate to say this but I found LLL a little judgmental. One of the ladies there told me it's a urban myth that a woman can't produce enough milk. That I just was not committed enough. At that point I decided to try and go it myself. I don't feel like anyone should be judged for the choices they make and are already struggling with on a daily basis.


I know how you are feeling...people make you feel so guilty. My body did not produce enough milk for my Son and I had to supplement since he was losing weight. I found it so exhausting, breastfeeding, then the bottle, then pumping. Then it was time to feed again. At 7 weeks my husband finally said while I was pumping and getting nothing, "Don't feel guilty if you want to stop" After I stopped I enjoyed being a new Mom so much more. My Son is almost 2 now and is a happy healthy boy!


Each one of these posts says that they tried and were *unsuccessful* at breastfeeding. Each one. So, how is that encouraging to the mom asking the question? 


I bring this up because there seems to be a real double standard when it comes to formula feeding moms and moms who use breastmilk.  Now I would argue along with The Feminist Breeder that formula feeding is not necessarily a "choice"… but lets argue for a moment that you think it is. One *chooses* to feed formula and one *chooses* to feed breastmilk. Okay. Now, why is it that when ever there is a question on breastfeeding it is taken as an excuse to explain how hard it is and how formula *saved the baby's life* but a breastfeeding mom can't be proud of her accomplishment? Does that somehow make her judgemental of a formula feeding mom? Just because she succeeded at getting milk to come out of her breasts?? 


Another question was posed on Today Moms facebook page asking about how long people had exclusively breastfed for, and what helped them, and what could have helped them even more…. the responses again were not very supportive of breastfeeding…. 


Some babies just don't take to it well and at the end of the day the health and well-being of your child should be more important than you being able to say you exclusively breastfed.



Nothing would have helped. I never lactated at all, not even colostrum. Fortunately, I didn't have any stupid hang ups about it and happily gave my kids formula.


I really wanted to breast feed but from day one my daughter wasn't having it. Pumping is just not the same and doesn't produce milk the same way if that's all your doing. I pumped for about two months then went all the way to formula.


 I did it for 3 months. Never had enough due to death threatening complications when I had my daughter. So I'm VERY thankful for bottles and "the fake powder stuff" like Amy calls it. Two centuries ago my daughter and I would've been dead if it not were for the advancements in medicine.


Are we noticing a trend yet?? 


And then to the Blog in question. This particular blog was written in response to a twitter party with a formula manufacturer giving away free swag being shut down because they were afraid of the backlash from the "lactivist" community. (doesn't that say something right there? The formula company cancelled it on their own because they were afraid of what exactly??)


Anyway, this mom, felt the need to post because she felt that the moms who *choose* formula should get free swag too. (and sure, yes they should). But, the thing is that formula companies are horrible in their marketing practices and they don't really care about you once they have gotten you - I mean just look at the recalls…. they want that NEW mom. That mom who is struggling and LOOKING for SUPPORT - and then they swoop in on their white horse and give her a free sample and *save her baby's life*. 


How is that ethical? 


And so blog posts standing up for the *choice* of formula and saying things like - "You don’t think it crosses our mind that, if it weren’t for formula, our babies would die? Do you think that feels good?"  …are just lining the pockets of the food giants.


What about milk sharing, or milk banks?? (but that is another post entirely).


So when a mom who is really only invested in the health and wellness of another mother and child - mental health as well, has NO ulterior motive…no bottom line…they get mud slung at them - 


unfreakingbelievable. Seriously? And what would these breast milk nazis have done for MY children, when my breast milk didn't contain enough fatty nutrition and I was forced to use formula so that my kids didn't starve to death? When the hell will self righteous bitches learn to mind their own damn business, take care of their own brats as opposed to telling us how to take care of ours? I'm with you on this one, T. This is god damn INFURIATING.



What is infuriating to me is that it seems like if you formula feed you can pretty much say whatever you want and not really get held accountable. You can call activists "Nazis" and it is socially acceptable… You can make a societal issue all about you and not really understand the politics and money behind the issue and blame it all on judgement. 


Basically, you can run your mouth about support and judgement and then turn around and do the EXACT same thing to a mom who is wanting to or actually breastfeeding…. 


Why can we not see the hypocrisy here and why do we allow it to continue?? 


If you truly *chose* to formula feed. i.e.) had an adequate supply of milk, a ton of support, no issues at all and THEN decided that you wanted to formula feed for convenience - as this is the ONLY way that I think it is actually a *choice* then seriously. OWN YOUR CHOICE - and don't feel guilty or defensive because it was YOUR CHOICE.


And moms that tried to breastfeed but could not for whatever reason. Get angry at the medical professionals who failed you. Get angry at your genetics. Get angry at our society for not supporting you. Get angry at the formula companies that undermined you at every turn… but STOP taking it out on other mothers who tried and for whatever reason were lucky at it. Praise them. Look up to them…you wanted to breastfed right? you tried right?? so why the hate for those who made it? 


Stop with the judgement, the name calling and defensiveness…if you want support, start giving it. 




ps. before you start to throw mud at me - my first born was formula fed - and guess what?? He is not *fine*. He has allergies, sleeping issues, and hyperactivity tendencies…. hmmm…the anecdotal evidence didn't work there did it? 

End of an Era.

A couple of days ago my favourite parenting magazine Mothering said that it could no longer sustain the magazine portion of their business and that they are going to go towards an information/web only form of publication.

I was shocked. Mothering has been around since the late 70's! I could not believe that such an important part of my information gathering was going to be no more. I give out these magazines to clients and to friends who have babies and so I am sad that this part of the company will be no more. I love the realness of a magazine, the smell, the feel and the fact that I can stash them just about everywhere. I will have to guard my back issues that much more carefully. :)

I have been thinking alot on why this has happened. Of course the American economy is partly to blame, and they could have too much staff or what have you. But I think the real reason is because they are no longer a "Fringe" magazine.

Let me explain. For many many years Mothering has been accepted by one type of person. Your super crunchy attachment parent. (of course Natural Family Living as well). So you had one type of subscriber that would pay $30 or more (which is almost double than other "mainstream" parenting mags) because they wanted to feel that others felt the same way.

After 2005, "AP" became more "mainstream". I used to be on a parenting support forum that really was a proponent of Crying it Out, or smacking, or yelling and all out "seen but not heard" children. I went back again to see what their thoughts were, just because I was curious, and instead they were talking about their favourite slings, cloth diapers, sleeping in the same bed as the baby, and nursing well past a year.

I was kinda thrown.

But it's true. Attachment parenting principals are becoming more widely used. Mostly because parents are listening to their guts and not the textbook, or the doctor, or their mom, or whoever...just themselves.

And so with this "trend" mainstream magazines are more likely to print about safe ways to sleep with your baby, how to breastfeed, and what sling is the most awesome....and that takes market share away from Mothering as you can get 24 issues of Todays Parent for $1! (which is way cheaper...)

In a way, they kind of helped to make themselves obsolete.....and I am not sure if that is good or bad in the end.

Re:I feel like such a terrible mother :-(

This blog post is an answer to a post on feeling overwhelmed and such with your first child when pregnant...I wanted to keep this to remind myself.

I have been trying different ways to post this and sounding supportive. Please read this with love and understanding as that is what I am trying to convey, and WISH that someone had posted this for me when I was feeling the same way... #1 - you are hormonal as many people have said which causes you to lose your temper faster or be irritated by things that may not have irritated you in the past. #2 - you are tired which is more of the same above #3 - you are wrapping your head around having another one and all the psychological stuff that comes with that...and believe me that in itself is a huge point. But, #4 - your daughter doesn't know any of that, and to her they are just empty excuses. When I was pregnant with my second, and after he was born my first (keenan's) whole world fell apart. I *used* to listen to his needs, wants, demands etc as much as I could, I researched, posted and listened to so many people, but it turned to all about ME because *I* was grumpy, *I* was tired, *I* was sick etc....so really *I* ceased to be the mom that he was used to the mom that he knew, I was some stranger that puked all the time and yelled. After coming out of it at 6mos post partum (and dealing with some PPD), I realized that I HATED myself for being that mom, and that I couldn't be AP if I had broken his little spirit so badly...and so became the anger to myself, which still eaked out towards keenan until he was 3.5-4. And then I got pregnant with Ewan and realized that these kids didnt ask for this. They don't ask for us as parents and they certainly do not ask for a sibling....so you know what, I stopped. I stopped yelling, and cursing and the like because *I* did this to *myself*. *I* was the one who was pregnant and if I wanted to get mad at anyone it needed to be at the man who made me that way and not the child who was just wanting a cuddle, a glass of milk or the like. We can not change their behaviour but we can change how WE react to it. I know you are sick, and tired and scared of not having enough love or that you won't be a "good" parent or an "AP" parent....but that doesn't really matter. Your daughter loves you NO MATTER WHAT! And if you feel bad now you can change the way that you are reacting so that you don't have the same regret that I have and feel bad for every. single. day. You are a GOOD MOM! You CARE! This shows that you are the best kind of mom. Stop beating yourself up, go into her room and tell her that you love her, that you are grumpy because you feel sick and remember she isn't doing any of that on purpose...she just needs you. So be there. And when you get so mad that you want to yell and scream and say how much you dislike your child at that moment for doing X, come on here, vent, blog, or call me (number left out for the world wide web)... because I have BEEN there and will never ever judge you.

More thoughts on Boys....

A friend's husband was talking to me today at playgroup how there are a considerable amount of girls verus boys being born a year, a number that amounts to 200,000 more girls than boys born in Canada alone...so it got me thinking. Why is it that I am a boy maker?

I really believe in fate, and everything happening for a reason, so there must be a reason why I make boys.

I have been mulling over this for a while and have come up with the following conclusions.

One : I am a very caring and empathetic person, and treat my sons with respect. I encourage sensitivity and problem solving. This will help them to be sensitive and caring dad's when they are older.

Two : I am a huge birth and breastfeeding advocate. Men (unfortunately) have traditionally had more power in politics than women. Perhaps my sons will fight for women's rights in these realms as men as well.

Three : They will also be supportive to their wives. (or else... ;P)

These are just three reasons that I have so far for why I would be given son's to raise....I am sure that I will think of more as the time comes.