An Activist

*Warning Rant to Come*

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. While I love to see what my friends are doing and like to read interesting articles that they share, and connect with clients for business...I can not stand all the so called "activism". Especially when it comes from the AP/Natural Parenting Camp. Do these moms have nothing better to do with their time then to make other moms feel like crap.

One mom went as far to say that it wasn't her that was making people feel guilty for whatever (carseats/breastfeeding/circumcision) because she could not *make* anyone have feelings that they don't already have.

Give me a break!!

Of course you can make people feel bad when you get on the "I am a better parent than you because I birthed my babies in a tub with dolphins, breastfed and coslept until 6 and am still re-facing at age 10." Oh, I didn't include the "I love my son more because I didn't mutilate him" comment.

Get off your high horse.

I actually did have a homebirth, breastfed, and have un-circ'ed boys....but I didn't do it so that I could use them as some sort of trophy in the mommy war. I did it because *I* wanted to.

All I want for women is to feel supported in their choices and to feel empowered when they make a choice. If that choice is to have an elective C-section, to buy formula from Mercola, or to choose to circumcise her OWN son so be it.

Thank goodness that we live in a country where we have the opportunities to make these decisions ourselves. Imagine if we didn't. Or imagine that instead of Car Seat Techs arguing about how long a child needs to rear face, if they got OFF the computer and went down to the hospital or birthing center or MALL in their area and did car seat checks to make sure that they were all installed correctly.

The last point I have to make is that when you become a "fan" on Facebook, it means that you "like" something enough to take the time to click on whatever it is...this doesn't mean that you need to be exposed to doctrine every single day about this cause.

Take breastfeeding for example. Yes, I "like" it...but don't you think I know already about the benefits? I already said that I liked it.

I have to say that I am really grumpy, but I am so tired of the same posts being shared over and over again, by people who have never been on the other side, or who don't really want to.

Do you think that mom who posted about not being able to make people "feel" guilty has ever felt guilty? Or perhaps we should find something that she does feel guilty about and then fill her inbox with those posts over and over and over.

Have some compassion and meet people where they ARE.

The Thyroid

Sucks.

I went to get my thyroid tested again as I am feeling tired, and insomniac, and grumpy and all other symptoms that are related to being Hyperthyroid.

And yes...my levels are off. In order for the doctor to figure if it is Graves or a nodule, I have to do the iodine in the blood thing so that they can see if it affects the whole thyroid or just a part of it. This would only take a day to do, and then I would have a definitive answer....but it also means that I can't nurse for 2-5 days. I could still be home with E but not able to nurse....what the heck am I supposed to do? How could I explain to a 10 month old that I have no interest in stopping nursing but that we need to take a break for 5 days for *his* own good.

If I hadn't had such issues with keenan maybe i wouldn't feel so against stopping. It's not the nutrition for me. It's totally the bonding, and being able to comfort at my own breast.

I had hoped that perhaps being 5 years older and wiser and meeting all different types of people and so many different ways of parenting that I would know that it isn't that big of a deal.

But it is. To *ME*.

I just don't want to stop. I feel so torn. Selfish and Stupid.

How can I comfort my baby without my breasts? It seems impossible to me.

I hate this.

Hate it.

Sucks.

A Conundrum

When I was first a new parent 5.5years ago, I parented with my gut and agonized over the "type" of parent that I wanted to be. I had been given Babywise as a gift while pregnant and the whole book rubbed me the wrong way. I happened to stumble upon an ad for a online parenting group that called themselves "Attachment Parents" but really thought nothing of the term, because I thought that all parents were "attachment parents"...didn't we all want to be attached to our kids?

And really, all that I was looking for were people to connect with because as a 24 year old University student I had absolutley NO friends with kids....ok not entirely true because my best friend had a baby just out of highschool but she lives in another province.

So there I was looking for people to go on playdates with. So I joined this group and started asking questions and posting, and finding myself pretty mainstream and not entirely supported by this group. They had their ways and apparently I was not crunchy enough. I made some good connections and the women were really nice people, just a lot of them were at least 5 to 10 years my senior and were pretty black and white when it came to what was acceptable and what wasn't.

So I joined another local pay for service forum to find more people to bond with, meanwhile I was still having issues breastfeeding and finding no support what so ever, other than the LLL. So I joined this other group and it was way more mainstream, but the parents were even older and the kids were all older too, and I felt like an even bigger outsider.

A couple moms posted asking questions about Crying-It-Out and I posted links to articles and blogs that I had gotten...but really I had no idea because who would really leave their child to cry? I mean really? My baby was a great sleeper and I could sleep with him and he could breastfeed while I was sleeping so really, what was wrong with them.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't get flamed. At the time it pissed me off so badly because all these women got so much support for CIO or ignoring their babies and I was the one being told that I lived in fairy tale land.

I left that group, and coincidentally met a really good friend of mine at a LLL meeting. I gave the AP group a second chance and started recruiting. I have met many many inspiring women throughout my time with them...I have also met women that make me want to put my head through the wall...but that is life!

I became a really strong advocate for cosleeping, and/or responding to your baby...but more importantly *listening to your own gut*.

Sure mother to mother support is paramount, and we need tribes to keep us sane, but at the same time we have to be aware of the decisions that we make and how they affect us and own own families. Cosleeping doesn't work for everyone. It works for me, but I am one person in a city of one million.

I have found often in my years of being a "attachment parent" that this type of parent is too smart.

Let me try to explain...it's like smart and neurotic, but somewhat insecure. I am not excluding myself from this evaluation. I came to this conclusion when I was picking my oldest up from school and was explaining to one of the moms how much I loved Alfie Kohn. She did not have a clue who I was talking about. She said that she wasn't really into parenting books and did most of her parenting by instinct.

This is exactly my point. I was the moderator of the AP group of my city for 3.5 years and in that time I read every single questionnaire. "What is Attachment Parenting to you?" and almost every single answer was "I didn't know that what I was doing had a name until I *read* about it somewhere."

So back to being way too smart and neurotic...Attachment Parents are researchers. They research the hell out of something to find the appropriate answer. Textbooks, parenting books, expert advice, emails, forums and websites, blogs, all searching for what an "AP" parent would do in that particular situation....but the kicker is that no one actually knows because AP is not something you do, it is something you are.

Most people follow Dr. Sears Baby B's...but I have said before and I will say it again...do you really think he did all those? He was on tour making money. Bottom line. He had 8 kids to feed. It was Martha who really knows...but then she only knows how to parent *her* own kids.

So back to the CIO and the rest of the rules etc. We as "AP'ers" try to hold ourselves to some higher standard that our "mainstream" counterparts. I was right to get flamed by all those women. They were older and wiser and had learned more about parenting than I had in the 18 mos that I was a parent of one pretty easy boy.

But what happens in the AP community, I am noticing is that new moms come in trying to find out what constitutes AP and how to assimilate into the community but only have parents of children that are maybe 2 to 4 years older than their own children to gather information from. And you have your die hards that live on another level, or your super "natural/green" parents that follow another sect, and so the new mommies think that this is the norm that these are the parents that they have to look up to...when really in real life they are nothing like the posts and chats that they answer.

Really. Who is going to actually say that they did something that is not AP on an AP forum. NO ONE. Because people are so afraid of losing their community or tribe or what have you.

So they form little separate groups with other moms of kids the same age and get together in real life and find out that it's okay to dislike your child somedays, and that makes you human.

But this doesn't help the community as a whole because those secret conversations are not shared with all the new mommies that are looking for support.

It seems to me to be a real conundrum.

People are not completely honest for fear of being judged by those who are afraid of being judged themselves. All because some "expert" wants to make money by selling a book, and tours and an endorsed "arms reach cosleeper."

So, in closing to this incredibly long winded blog post...I am going to post the things that I hate about myself and how I parent...a confessions post (which we used to do in the AP group long ago) to let others see just how human I am.

Is Santa Real?

Every year there are a slurry of posts about whether or not to "do" Santa. Lots of parents feel like it is lying to their kids and do not feel comfortable with it.

This post of Code Name Mama really breaks it down on why that particular blogger doesn't engage in the Santification of Christmas.

I get it. I really do. Of course we don't want to lie to our kids about anything, but you are lying to yourself if you think that you will never stretch the truth with regards to your kids.

I hate the commercialization of Christmas. There is nothing that I hate more than having to think of some gift that you know is just going to get re-gifted or returned or the like. Wasting money. I would rather give homemade items or things that I know will get used.

I personally think that Christmas is only for children, and because of that we "do" Santa every year. For me it's not lying. I don't tell my kids that there is a Santa. I ask them what they think, and they think that he is real.

Who am I to tell them that he isn't? Just because I personally don't believe in something doesn't mean that it ceases to exist for anyone else.

Also, because St. Nick was a real person, (as far as anyone knows) then why can't we still celebrate the idea?

Really.... I am finding it harder to explain to my son the story of Jesus. And you know what? I use the exact same wording when it comes to Jesus and God as I do for Santa.

Some people believe in Santa. Do you Keenan? How do you think he gets from house to house, etc etc. Some people believe in Jesus. Do you Keenan? Do you think there were angels at his birth? And you know what...he does.

Is it lying that I don't tell him MY belief on God or Jesus or angels, or fairies etc.

I want my kids to question the world and question my beliefs and my parent's beliefs and my husband's beliefs and on and on...because they are human, and we have the ability to think and learn for ourselves.

So I will provide information, and let my kids believe in what they want to believe and support that decision and play along....because really I have never stopped believing.

Santa, in my opinion is the spirit of giving.

Time Marches On

As everyday goes by I think that I want to update my blog but never seem to have the time. I started this blog to keep my musings as I am a journaling type of person and enjoy writing for leisure. With the kids being sick non-stop these last two weeks any type of "leisure" seems to be a pipe dream, but isn't that just the way? The kids take priority.

Getting sick this week myself showed me what awesome supports I have in this city of mine. We had a massive dump of snow and yet my friend still came to my house with a bottle of gingerale, and my parents drove to come and collect my whole family so that my mom could take care of us.

While being taken care of, instead of being the one taking care of, it really hit me how in denial of my hyperthyroidism I am.

Last year while pregnant with Ewan I was diagnosed with Graves disease and at the time I was devastated. No, it's not cancer, but it is a major lifestyle change, diet change, daily medication and the like. Stuff that until this week I was just not interested in even thinking about.....but as the post says "Time marches on" and I really need to get it under control.

Not only because I am hungry all the time, and yet do not have an appetite, but also because I am so tired, and weak and insomniatic.

I need to get it together for the sake of my kids. I bet that I would be a way better mom without these incredible mood swings and anger outbursts...all related to hormones.

I am just so tired of being tired.

Re:I feel like such a terrible mother :-(

This blog post is an answer to a post on feeling overwhelmed and such with your first child when pregnant...I wanted to keep this to remind myself.

I have been trying different ways to post this and sounding supportive. Please read this with love and understanding as that is what I am trying to convey, and WISH that someone had posted this for me when I was feeling the same way... #1 - you are hormonal as many people have said which causes you to lose your temper faster or be irritated by things that may not have irritated you in the past. #2 - you are tired which is more of the same above #3 - you are wrapping your head around having another one and all the psychological stuff that comes with that...and believe me that in itself is a huge point. But, #4 - your daughter doesn't know any of that, and to her they are just empty excuses. When I was pregnant with my second, and after he was born my first (keenan's) whole world fell apart. I *used* to listen to his needs, wants, demands etc as much as I could, I researched, posted and listened to so many people, but it turned to all about ME because *I* was grumpy, *I* was tired, *I* was sick etc....so really *I* ceased to be the mom that he was used to the mom that he knew, I was some stranger that puked all the time and yelled. After coming out of it at 6mos post partum (and dealing with some PPD), I realized that I HATED myself for being that mom, and that I couldn't be AP if I had broken his little spirit so badly...and so became the anger to myself, which still eaked out towards keenan until he was 3.5-4. And then I got pregnant with Ewan and realized that these kids didnt ask for this. They don't ask for us as parents and they certainly do not ask for a sibling....so you know what, I stopped. I stopped yelling, and cursing and the like because *I* did this to *myself*. *I* was the one who was pregnant and if I wanted to get mad at anyone it needed to be at the man who made me that way and not the child who was just wanting a cuddle, a glass of milk or the like. We can not change their behaviour but we can change how WE react to it. I know you are sick, and tired and scared of not having enough love or that you won't be a "good" parent or an "AP" parent....but that doesn't really matter. Your daughter loves you NO MATTER WHAT! And if you feel bad now you can change the way that you are reacting so that you don't have the same regret that I have and feel bad for every. single. day. You are a GOOD MOM! You CARE! This shows that you are the best kind of mom. Stop beating yourself up, go into her room and tell her that you love her, that you are grumpy because you feel sick and remember she isn't doing any of that on purpose...she just needs you. So be there. And when you get so mad that you want to yell and scream and say how much you dislike your child at that moment for doing X, come on here, vent, blog, or call me (number left out for the world wide web)... because I have BEEN there and will never ever judge you.

Embracing ADHD

When my oldest son started Kindy earlier this year he was "flagged" for his intensity. The teacher (who I love) asked me if I wanted to pursue testing and coding. In this province if your child is diagnosed with a learning disability or condition such as ADD or ADHD then the school gets more money to use to help facilitate his learning.

I don't really want to code him as this would follow him around forever, and I also have no desire to medicate him.

I am trying so hard to just accept him as he is. He is a bright, extremely bright, well spoken, imaginative, sensitive, empathetic, curious, excited, active little boy. While some of his behaviours bother me, such as the growling and the intensity..I am trying to see them not as problems, but as personality.

I read this book "Raising the Spirited Chid" and it said, to get a child to stop a behviour such as intensity would be like asking him to stop breathing. It's pretty impossible. It's how he is hard wired.

So instead it is working on myself.

Right now I am finding it more difficult because my husband is away so often and the littlest one demands SO much of my attention. (read that - he can never be put down without screaming like his hands and feet have been cut right off!)

I know that all of this is just a phase in life and that I have to be more flexible and more understanding. I try very hard not to fly off the handle when the behaviours are manifesting. I take deep breaths and look at my children as they are - children.

Not little robots that I can control but people who are just learning and expressing themselves.

Tonight I had a "conversation" with my eldest son after the little boys went to bed.

It amazes me just how intelligent he is and how he holds things deep inside. The little things that bother him (like the baby crying) it makes me proud that he is the way he is.

The label of ADHD is really just a list of characteristics that I am happy that my son has. (and I also think a symptom of the society that they live in).

So I will embrace it, and welcome it, and live with it, and learn from it.

And love him more each day.

The Mommy Wars - a rant.

I have been in the parenting game for 5 years. I have many friends that are Stay at Home moms, Work at Home moms, Work out of Home moms - both full time, part time and some time.. Moms that are single parents, Moms that are sometimes single parents, and widow Moms. I know moms with one kid, two kids, three kids, 4 kids, 5 kids, 6 to 9 kids. Step moms, IVF moms, adopted moms.

I know moms that are in poly amorous relationships, moms that swing and moms that only have sex to get pregnant.

I know Gay moms, Straight moms, Bi moms and moms that havent decided. I know moms of just boys, of just girls or of both.

I know moms that homeschool. I know moms that just use public school, or private school or unschool.

The thing is that I know ALOT of moms and I feel that each and everyone of them is doing the best possible job that they can do with the resources that are given to them. We ALL love our kids so why do we continue to judge what each one of us does?

For me I feel that this mom vs. mom war tends to lessen as our children get older, but is then brought back into the limelight when a "new mommy" enters the club.

So what is the solution?

Perhaps by telling her that everything changes and the stuff that you think is so important at THIS stage won't matter in 5 years and to listen with an open heart to EVERYONES struggles and SOLUTIONS and that you will learn from it and change. And change. And change.

Being a mom is hard work.

Pat your self on the back.

Halloween Planning

Here are just a couple ideas that I am playing around with for halloween!

http://www.familycorner.com/family/kids/recipes/frankenstein-marshmallow-halloween-treats.shtml

http://www.amandascookin.com/2010/09/monster-brownies.html

Gory Hand - Presentation is everything.
This is both a yummy treat and a great decoration to scare your friends. Use a clean rubber glove. Make a strong cherry or other red jello by using 3/4 of the recommended amount of water. Hang the glove over the sink by using clothes pins attached to thin strips of wood. When the jello has cooled pour into glove and place in the deep freeze. Be careful not to have the hand pressing against anything or it will ruin the shape. When the jello is frozen cut the glove off using small scissors. Keep your masterpiece in the fridge until ready to display.

alternate Gory Hand tip:
Take a clean rubber glove and fill it with water, tie it and put it in the deep freeze. Keep it in there until your party. When you're ready take it out of the glove and put it in the punchbowl instead of ice!

http://www.halloweenishere.com/recipes.html

The Polite Thing

Picture this...you saved up all your money to buy a nice fancy car you have always wanted. You love the feel of the seats, the smell of the upholstery, the way that the engine purrs. You love it so much that you take it with you everywhere, and why wouldn't you? It's your favourite car.

One day you drive it to your mom's house for a dinner party. All your mom's friends are there and they gush about how cute you look in your new car. Your mom's best friend's daughter enters the room and tells you how much she would love a car like that.

You take people out to show it to them. You rev the engine. People love how shiny it is, and they comment on how great it is for you to have gotten it. You spend almost as much time in the party as you do outside admiring your new car.

Later in the evening you notice that your mom's friend's daughter has taken your keys and is attempting to drive away. You panic and run out side to stop her. Your mom grabs your arm and says, "Why not let Jenny have a turn? You have to share."

You get visibly upset. It is YOUR car! Why do you have to share it with anyone? You yell at your mom and say no! But, instead of your mom taking your side she tells you that you are not being a very nice child and that you have to learn how to share your things.

You are outraged! You kick and scream! You are so mad at Jenny for taking your car. No one is taking your side, and worse yet you are being punished for it.

You don't understand. You are so sad.

People laugh it off and say, "Ah that is life...everyone has to learn how to share."

But do we? Would you share your car if someone asked you to? Or how about if someone just came and took it....and maybe if you would, what if it was the one thing that meant the world to you...would you then?

Think about it for a second, and then ask your self why we expect our children to share if we as adults don't....

They Grow Up So Fast

It's true you know; that old saying that kids grow up so fast. While we are in he trenches some days just seem to go on and on and on, and you can't wait until bedtime so you can get your adult time (even if that just involves a pee by yourself).

The last couple of weeks has really shown me just how quickly children do grow. My eldest is in Kindergarten. I knew that by being 5 he was in the last year of babyhood, but now watching him run happily into in the school, not paying any attention to the fact that his mom stands there looking longingly at the little boy who is quickly morphing into a bigger boy.

And yes, the fart and pooping jokes are becoming more frequent, but it's not just that. It's this responsibility and this willingness to help and to take care of his brothers. It's when he notices that something is unjust and I have to try and explain why.

It's the level of understanding that he has, but with the sensitivity of the younger boy still in there.

I really feel like he is growing too fast. That these years just whipped by. All those days spent indoors watching treehouse because I was tired or sick or pregnant or just bored. Wasted.

As I look at this littlest one who can even roll over I think of just how much a person grows in 5 years, it's phenomenal really.

And I start asking myself if I did all I could do, and if I have no regrets and if I did everything that I wanted too...and I know I didn't, and I do have regrets, but there is nothing I can do except try harder now. Get more involved now.

Ignore the stuff that doesn't matter. It only takes a second to go and look at a picture or a craft or a playroom. Get down to his level and play. I say this over and over.

Honestly I think it's because I don't like "boy" play. It's way too rough. Dragons, dino's, cars and transformers....what about house, and store and family?

I have started to put reminder notes around the house to calm down, to breathe and to take time for my kids, and time for myself...which will give more time to my kids.

In 5 more years my eldest will be 10 and in grade 5.

I want him and I to look back and say, wow. That was a great childhood.

Boy! You look like you've got your hands full!

No Kidding.

I am not sure why people continue to say this to mothers of more than one child. Is it perhaps because we look like we do not have it together in any way shape or form? I wonder this because I hear this from strangers seconds before my head explodes and rolls down the pavement....

I guess I shouldn't complain. At least they are not commenting on my age, or the fact that I (and not my husband) am a rampant breeder.

I was thinking about this the other day, the having my hands full part....I have begun to ask myself WHY.

WHY do I have my hands full? Why is it so stressful to leave my house? Why do I get caught in incredible situations like the Shoppers incident?

Perhaps it's because I don't listen to myself.

I am so stressed out with all these other little things that really don't mean anything in the long run that I ignore my gut and take tired, hungry, grouchy kids out...without the diaper bag.

So really I am doing it to myself.

Of course a tonne of this comes from the fact that I live at home with my parents. 9 more days, 9 more days, 9 more days.

I am not complaining by the way, my mom kicks ass, and i have been pampered with the meals and cleaning...but there is something about not having your own space for 2 months that makes you go a little mental.

I think what I was trying to say before I got on this tangent, is that I really need to be more organized and take things slower. I have my hands full, yes. But that doesnt mean I have to be out of control.

Balancing Act

I am in the process of moving house and have moved in with my parents for the time being...one month...one long long month.

It's not my parents and I that have a difference of opinion, well that is not entirely true...

The main thing that I notice is that my siblings and my parents (to a lesser exent) get super irritated at my children. Mostly when they are acting like, well, children.

Kids are loud. My kids are incredibly loud. There are 3 of them all under 5. The 5 year old is talking non-stop, the 2 year old is making animal sounds, and the baby...well, he cries. :)

I just get this pressure to make them conform and I am just not that type of person. I want my kids to be kids. They are little. They shouldn't have to sit and eat all their dinner or stop running around or being absolutely quiet until 10am.

I feel incredible pressure that I am not doing it right, and I sometimes wonder about when we were in tribal setting how the village that raised the child didn't have these crazy expectations placed on the children.

I bet it was way less stressful.

Now don't get me wrong, I completely appreciate that my parents have opened their house to a family of 5 for 5 weeks...and yes, it is hard on everyone, and yes people have to make sacrifices for family...I get all of that. I just really feel like a huge outsider even when in my family of origin, and I never thought that I would feel that way. Not in a million years.

Yes, I am more laid back than my siblings. Yes, I let things slide. Yes, I am lazy at times. But I like the way that I am raising my kids, and I like that they don't have many expectations....does this mean that I am setting them up for failure?

Who knew moving back home would zap my self confidence?

A Spectacle

If Shoppers could have charged for the hilarity that was my life today at their store they would have made some serious cash.

I knew that I shouldn't have taken my brood out today. I could tell this morning when they were all acting out; yelling and screaming and fighting with each other. Of course I understand why they are hard to handle...we are in the middle of moving, we are living with my mom (the grandparents) for a month, they have no schedule, their dad is working so much, it's the summer...I could go on and on.

But just because I understand where the behaviour is coming from doesn't mean that I have to accept it or enjoy it.

So back to Shoppers. I had to get my mail changed over because we are no longer in the townhouse. Of course I had to take ALL 3 kids with me so it was fun for the whole family.

The cash line was going incredibly slow and I had the bigger two strapped into the stroller. The baby was sleeping peacefully in the wrap.

The two bigger boys started to hit each other enough that another mom stopped and asked them to stop fighting with each other. She tried to explain to my sons that they should be nice to each other and they responded by hitting and yelling louder.

I decided to pick up the middle child and hold his hand and leave the biggest one in the chariot with the brakes on. The middle screamed to be let go and the bigger one rocked the chariot trying to kick over the display. (and cue the baby in the wrap needing to feed.)

I just wanted to get out of there, as fast as I possibly could.

Finally at the point of meltdown I threw my kids into the stroller and attempted to leave...and then the peanut gallery really showed its face.

I squeezed my double chariot through the first set of doors and then tried to push it through the second....and got stuck.

Somehow the doors of Shoppers are big enough to accommodate a double Chariot to get in...but not out.

I felt like I was going to cry. I had 3 children melting and I was stuck in the vestibule of Shoppers with many many people watching...some laughing, some staring, and some shifting uncomfortably.

I ended up taking the kids out, taking the wheels off and SHOVING it out of the doors.

Goodness!!!

How Old Are You?!?

It's really none of your business is it? This question keeps coming up again and again, and it is really starting to tick me right off. I have noticed that it is more frequently asked since I have had the 3rd boy child.

Not that it didn't happen before, but it's happening more and more and more.

I took my kids to the doctor and while trying to wrestle my 2 year old into submission while my 5 year old sat on the bed and my 3 month old cried in the sling, the doctor asked, "Can I ask you how old you are?" I was taken aback...was my loss of control at that moment related to *my* age, or more the age of my squirmy two year old? (I would put my money on the 2 year old!)

Or the random woman on the street who demanded to know if in fact all 3 boys were mine, how old they were, and how old I was... Who comes up to someone and demands to know their age? What gave her the idea that it was okay to come up to me and ask me that?

I honestly do not understand why people feel that it is appropriate to come up to me and ask me how old I am...some how insinuating that perhaps I am too young to have one child, let alone 3. My husband says that I should take it as a compliment, but I don't. It really ticks me off.

Just because someone decides to start with the career and not the family as I have chosen does not make them *more* qualified to have children, or more able to pass judgement.

If a 45 year old woman was walking around with 2 or 3 small kids, would random strangers and doctors ask *her* how old she was?

NO. BECAUSE IT IS RUDE.

I decided to have my kids young because honestly, I feel like I can handle them better when I am young. I wanted to have more than a few kids and I wanted them close together. I wanted to be done having babies by 30. I wanted to be able to stay home and not worry about the career that I was leaving or hoping was staying on hold for me.

Because my mom had her kids young.

Because my grandma had her kids young.

Because I *wanted* to.

Thats right. Not only am I young (which is B.S because I was 8 years older than my mom when she had me, when I started) I planned them. Each and every one.

So stop asking me, because I am going to start asking it right back. Why? Why does it matter to people?

Age is just a number...and in 20 years from now when my kids are all in college, (or whatever they want to do) I will only be in my late 40's and free from diapers, and kid drama...and then the table will turn, and I wont be judged anymore.

Someone must be listening.

I wrote my last post talking about the discrimination against boys and one of my fav Bloggers did the same here.

Here is my response to that blog post.

I am glad to see this post Annie, as I have been feeling this backlash for over 5 years. I am the mother of only boys, 3 of them to be exact…5yrs, 2yrs and an infant. I am really starting to resent people when I am out in public and get insensitive comments directed at me and my boys. (Are you going for a girl? Did you want a girl? Hopefully one of your sons will be gay…and so on. Do people not think that perhaps I am happy with my boys?!)
I want to preface by saying that I was in woman’s studies in university and considered myself to be a feminist…now, I am just getting tired of the reverse discrimination against my kids and feel resentful towards the woman that try so hard to make everything “equal”.
I really feel that my little boys get discriminated against because they are not girls, or should I say that they do not act like girls…you said it yourself “how can parents help their boys to be better citizens and people?” Who says that the are not already? Who says that the way a “girl” acts is the proper way to act? She may act like a girl stereotypically does, quiet, shy, listens, sits, etc…but that doesn’t mean that WE as Women/ Mothers need to enforce these codes of behaviour on our boys. I followed the link above provided by a commenter and it explained how to stop the gender gap…I want to ask all of you, WHY? Why do we have to act the same? Why can’t we embrace our femininity and let the boys embrace their masculinity? Why do we try and make our sons more empathetic, or sensitive or whatever emotion you wish to “create”? What gives us the right as WOMEN to try and TELL a man or in this case our son how he “should” act?
Is my brain wired the same way as his, science would tell me no. So why would he want to think like me, or is he even capable?
I think in our society we are trying to feminize boys and we don’t respect them enough to know that they will be who they are biologically.
Why is it that it is okay that a girl have Girl Scouts that are just for girls, but the boys are expected to share? Why can’t they learn just boy things?
I could go on forever on this topic, as I have started already, but I urge any woman with sons to read “The Wonder of Boys” by Michael Gurian. It explains that what boys really need is a tribe of their own, a place where they can just be “a guy” and they need a MALE mentor, and HE will show them the proper way to “act” like a “man”.

Reverse Discrimination

I run in many activist circles. I have friends that fight for the rights of animals, for the right to breastfeed wherever and whenever (including a swimming pool), for the right to allow women the choice to keep their child or to abort, for the right of the newborn male to keep his foreskin...but above all else these friends fight for the rights of women. It's safe to say that the majority of my friends are feminists. I get it, I am right there with them, I think women should have the same opportunities as men. I think that women should get to choose what is right and okay for their bodies and themselves. I think women should be valued for their intellect rather than their T and A. I took many a women's studies course in University...so why is it now that I have sons that I feel like I may be on an island all by myself?

The thing is that I notice that there is a lot of reverse discrimination when it comes to boys. Girls can pretty much play both gender roles with not much of a comment, but boys on the other hand are encouraged to be gender neutral to a point, but once they pass that point people get uncomfortable. A boy can have long hair, until he is school-aged and even then he will be called a girl many many times before he reaches that age. He can wear pink, but will get commented on for it. He can play with dolls etc, but he must also suck it up when he is upset, brush it off when he is hurt and pretend that he is fine when he gets insulted.

There was a recent post about what to say if a girl is wearing a bikini top, as if it some how makes her listen to "the man"...but what if a boy wore a bikini top....not so comfortable now is it?

And then there is the stuff that makes me personally irritated with society. We can have all of these classes and clubs that are co-ed. But, we cant have just boys clubs because women fought so hard to get acceptance into them...but on the other hand we have "women only" clubs that boys can not attend. (the biggest one being Boy Scouts Vs. Girl Scouts). When I brought this up to a couple friends about wanting my boys to have their own club, it was like I had spat in the face of feminism...when really I just wanted my boys to be able to do boy stuff....

Because really we ARE different. I feel like we are oppressing little boys for the sake of our feminism.

Breastfeeding and Divorce

This is a response to this horrible post.

Disclaimer : This is my blog so these are my opinions, just putting it out there.

I get so tired of women blaming children for their lack luster lives. I get it, we all have those days when we just want everyone to go away so that we can do some sort of activity that is just for us. But to blame children for the fall out of a marriage is just cowardly in my opinion, and furthermore to blame breastfeeding is just incredulous.

The thing is unless you were raped you had some say in whether you were going to get pregnant. And guess what, you knew fully well that this wasnt some 5 year gig. Parenting is for life! Get over yourselves. If you didnt want strechmarks, your "fun bags" to sag, the C-section scar or for your va-jay-jay to be disfigured then you should have kept your legs closed. (or gotten you or your partner fixed.) It is you people that make the No Kids people so crazy. Fuel to the fire.

Let me tell you something that may shock you...Breasts are for feeding. *gasp* I could honestly care less if you want to do it under a blanket, in a bathroom or out there for the world to see. Babies tummies are made for breastmilk. Instead of formula we should have milk banks!! It is insane that women feel burdened by society or judged that they are guilted into breastfeeding....they are for feeding!! Why on earth does milk squirt out of them if not for a child to get some comfort and sustenance? (and formula feeding moms dont start harping on me...if you couldnt nurse it was because you were abandoned by society, and were not given the right tools to nurse. I KNOW I have been there!) And if you don't want to nurse, DONT. Why the heck would a baby want you to resent him everytime you have to feed him? But OWN it and say, it's because *I* didnt want to...and then get on with your life. Stop trying to persuade others to follow suit.

But to say that Breastfeeding is Creepy, or to say that it destroyed a marriage is a piece of crap. Breastfeeding is NORMAL. Whats creepy is that a man would be placed in front of his children. That HIS needs are more important than that of a helpless newborn.

Let me tell you something ladies...there is this thing called a Gigi. Get one for him. He can use his hands and a tissue. And another thing, if a man thinks that his needs should be placed before his baby's maybe, just maybe this man isnt worth the ring? Just a thought....

There are all these articles going around about how children, and breastfeeding are oppressing women and that we can have it all. I am just gonna say it. We CAN'T. Or as a wise wise woman said to me, "We *can* have it all, just not all at once." What causes divorce rates in this country is the thought that we shouldnt have to compromise. Guess what? You do. You can not have your cake and eat it too.

We ALL make decisions that forever change the course of our lives. There are some of us that say, yes. I made that decision and so now I am paying for it, but it isnt the child's fault....it's yours. So grow up.

No regrets ladies...live your life with no regrets.

The Other Side of the Face(book)

I am a big fan of Facebook. I like to look at other peoples profiles, yes creep, and love to see pictures and videos of people that I can't see in real life. I have over 300 "friends" and have joined many a group and a fan page over the last year. I like to chat, as other people seem to choose that over the phone, and I just like to feel connected.

My DH is out of town alot so FB becomes a little like going out on a Friday night to me. Socializing, laughing, commenting on pictures and posts etc....but in the last couple weeks I have become a little disillusioned by the glorious Facebook.

The thing is that nothing is private anymore. Nothing is new news. If I do end up talking on the phone with someone I already know what they are going to say. I already saw their status update, pics from the zoo, and the video of the birthday party. So what do you talk about? Other peoples walls..."so did you see what suzie did yesterday?" "yea that video was funny".

It kinda gets old...and a wee bit boring.

The worst part that has happened just recently was that I was party to a "discussion" between a couple of my friends...in the old way (like 5 years ago) they would have picked up the phone or met for coffee to discuss their disagreement, and I would not have had any idea that they were having an issue. They may or may not have included me, and even then I would have had to take their word for it....now I saw the whole thing; and BOTH sides were not very nice to eachother. I kind of feel like the kid whose parents want to get divorced and they are arguing and the kid is sitting there with her ears covered, but she still knows what they are saying.

It was just bad.

I really did not want to see that side of my friends, especially directed at eachother. It makes me that much more uncomfortable.

So for me that was kind of the end of Facebook as I know it.

Dont get me wrong, I will still post and check it etc, but I need to get off of it and make an effort to see people in real life where words do not get confused in tone.

Over Protection

It's no secret that I sometimes lose it when the kids are driving me bonkers. I raise my voice and say things that I shouldn't say.

It's funny that I can let myself get away with this bad behaviour but can't allow anyone else to; especially my husband.

It's not really fair. I am not sure why I hold him to a higher standard than myself. He has just as much of the stresses that I do, he works just as hard and he has just as many issues with the boys, but when he reacts just as I would I hold him more accountable.

Sometimes I feel that it may be because he is a man, and yes I know that is a total cop out...but I mean it in the way that he may be harder on his boys because society wants us to toughen them up. Meanwhile I am searching for why the child is acting out and making excuses for it.

*sigh*