Worst Halloween Ever.

I am a total Halloween nut, have been that way for years.
So I spent a ridiculous amount of money on Keenan's halloweem costume. The thing is that I had G and she was miserable, which made me miserable, which made Keenan miserable.
So we have decide to take a break, because G is not ready. It will suck as we need the money, but it is what is in everyones best interest. And, I wouldnt be much of an AP parent if I ignored everyones needs for the sake of monetary gain.
Anywho, because G cried so much K didnt have a nap and so he was comatose for the party. Like dead to the world toast. It was crazy. So I was a little disapointed.
But, that is what happens when you put so much stock in a holiday. My expectations were just way tooo high.

That mean mom

Okay, I might have been a bit of a "you know what" today.
Keenan and I walked 20mins to a park that is more toddler friendly, smaller equipment and lower slides. We stayed for quite a while. We were there later than ususal because he had gotten up so early so therefore had a way earlier nap. So mom's come to the park around 3:30pm, I know one of them and start talking. 2 other mom's show up.
It turns out that the elementary school bus drops kids off right next to this park, so the mom's get together and chat and wait for thier older kids to come off the bus.
So Keenan is playing happily with the younger kids.
Then the bus pulls up. 5 or 6 kids get off and come right to the park. They start throwing rocks and rough housing. They start to climb on equipment that is not meant to be climbed on. (oldest maybe 11yrs old). Anyway they are all modeling behaviour that I dont want Keenan to witness.
The mom's do nothing. They just keep talking. Chaos is alround Keenan and he is taking it all in in wide eyed wonder.
One child is throwing gravel in the air and it is hitting all of the children (he is around 7ish). The gravel hits Keenan, and I say to the boy, " We do not throw gravel at babies ". He looks at me like "WTF? Who are you to tell me anything?".
So I decide to remove Keenan from the situation.
I walk over to the mom's and say, " It was nice meeting you ladies, but I am going to have to take Keenan home as the older children are modeling bad, bad, bad dangerous behaviour that I don't want Keenan learning."
The mom I know says, " Oh, that's my son, sorry " I say, " It's all the older children, not just yours."
I was kind of irritated because it is a toddler park and those kids should have gone somewhere else.
What have I become, that mean mom?
My girlfriend with a 4yr old said that I can't shelter Keenan forever and he will witness worse stuff than climbing on eqipment and throwing gravel. I know, but I can lessen the impact, can't I?
Or am I just blowing it out of proportion?

Urgent Care?!?!

I sat for 5 1/2 hours today at the South Community Health Centre,
Urgent care Clinic. I use the word "urgent" fasciciously.
I decided to go there as Chris came home and did an assessment on me
and said that he would have spine boarded me in a second. So I went to
get Xrays.
The Dr. said that I may have cracked a vertibrea, but
because it was so localized they couldnt do anything, anyways.
So just ice it, take advil and rest. Don't do anything strenuous (like
pick up and carry a 20lbs 17month old? ).
So I have made an appointment with Chris' paramedic instuctor who
happens to be a chiropractor. The dr did say that I couldnt see a
chiro or physio or massage for two weeks. I have to let it heal.
Well, I am happy that it's not super serious. 5.5 hrs is a long time
to be in a waiting room.
On another note, 3 children with seal barking coughs came in, if the "majority" of
kids are vaccinated why was it so prevalent today?

OUCH

At around 10:30pm last night I fell down my stairs. I have no idea how I ended up doing it, as I was even wearing grippy socks. I was on the phone to Chris and he ironically was at work, and bam! down I went!
The edge of the stair hit the middle of my back hard enough that I actually winded myself. I thought I had really hurt myself, like hospital hurt. My sister was staying with me so she ran down the stairs to find me in the fetal position, not being able to talk.
She started talking to Chris who tried to get her to assess me while on the phone.
I was really happy that she was here, lucky. I was alos lucky that I can still move my legs, and did not paralize myself. What if I had, I wouldn't be the best mom I could be, but I would try.
I was really lucky that I had not fallen while holding Keenan. Super Lucky.
Hold on to your handrails.

First Day with G

Keenan's new girlfriend came today for the first full day of me watching her. It actually went really well. I was suprised. I thought that they would both be crying for the whole day.
Granted I am tired. Watching two kids under two is the hardest job I have ever had.
It went well though, really. G came in the morning, we had breaky. Then we had a meltdown, to the park we went.
I don't know what it is, but something about getting out of the house makes kids more manegable. Also it keeps your sanity. G almost feel asleep in the swing at the park so we came back home, much to K's dismay. Picture him crying pitifully, "vrooom, vroooom" I have no idea what car he is talking about, but apparently we were not going any where near it.
I brought the swing out of storage and put G in it. She fell asleep almost immideatley. No crying. Then K started rubbing his eyes. They both slept for over an hour.
The only issue I have with that is now it is almost 5 and K is wired. And he would regularly be napping, so no "me" time today, which sucks because I have been "on call" for almost 12hrs. K woke up super early today.
Otherwise the day was uneventful. It reallyu went well, and it will only get better as the two of them get used to eachother.

Expectaions and Shae

One of my best girlfriends is visiting form Nelson with her daughter Shae. We all went to the zoo. Just before we got there Shae got sick in the car. Oh what fun I get to look forward to. I felt sorry for her as she was so upset about it. No big deal to me...except my car stinks. Isn't that wahat Fabreez is for? (Any natural cleaners that do the same thing?)
She had never been to a zoo so it was great fun for her. We then came home to put Keenan down for his nap, and we went to the park. I pushed her on the swing (underduck) and she went flying off!! I felt soooo unbelievably bad. I am definately NOT a good pusher. (I forgot how little she is ...now I am swing shy.) They are here for a couple more days so hopefully I get to see them some more.
And how is Keenan?
For the last TWO nights Keenan has NOT nursed to sleep!!!!! (His
choice entirely). I lie there patiently waiting for him to latch on,
and he doesn't. Is this the milestone that he was working on?
As for bedtime (reading "no cry") , Ms. Pantly says
make sure that you are trying to fix a problem. After reading the
book, he really has no problems, it is my expectaions that are the
problem.
So now, I wait until he is really tired (happens to be 9:30pm and I
turn off the lights, he plays or talks, sings whatever and then he
passes out...in 30-45mins.

A poem

I wrote this a while ago while I was feeling sappy.

My Son for Keenan August 7, 2006

Everyday you are growing,
and yet you stay so small.
Sometimes I feel as though time and space,
mean nothing at all.
Everyday you are growing,
and yet a baby to me,
it's hard to believe that each day,
my love grows exponentially!
Everyday you are growing.
My love makes you grow strong,
one day I will wake up and you will be grown up and gone.
I am happy to see you grow up,
to witness it first hand.
But sometimes I wish you would slow down,
and help me saty on dryland.
Because everyday it feels as though I am lost at sea,
the world is moving so fast,
but luckily, your love grounds and comforts me.
Everyday you are growing
and one day it will be nice to see,
What type of kind man and father you will become,
because of me!

Breastfeeding Challenge Results!

http://www.babyfrie ndly.ca/challeng e/2006/site_ result.php

We came in first place! Well, first place in Alberta. We had so many moms and kids and dads and support people show up. Also, CTV and Global came and took video. I didn't make it on TV. Poopy. I even washed my hair, you know, just in case.
My good friend Lindsay did, as she was the "spokesperson." So proud of her!
Keenan and I participated in a wrap fashion show and had a blast. The *funniest* part about the entire event was that Keenan was nursing constantly in the morning before the challenge, because he had missed his morning nurse, but when it came time to "latch on" he just wasn't interested. So funny. He will nurse all day every day, but not when you want him to.
Too funny. My boy he certainly is developing his own ideas about things.

Sleep Please

So this morning I lost it. Last night was hellish getting Keenan to go to bed. I had so many other things that could have been getting done, but instead I was there nursing, nursing , nursing for over an hour. It wouldn't have been so bad if Chris wasn't passed out next to me.
He has sleep apnea, and doesnt get a whole lot of sleep because of his job, and I respect that. So I let him sleep. Whenever. But recently, with the whole Keenan sleeping issues I am starting to resent Chris for having the ability to sleep, whenever, where ever. It makes me so mad when I hear him snoring and I am up for yet another hour tending to his son.
So this morning I lost it. I had a heck of a time falling asleep last night. Since my schedule is so messed up from weeks of random sleep. I think I finally fell asleep around 1 - 1 :30am, and there was Keenan waking up to nurse at 6am, for a whole hour. Needless to say, he woke me up. So by 7:10am I was just fuming. That I hadn't gotten any sleep, that my hubby was sleeping through this, and that it was 7am and I was awake.
So I got out of bed and let Chris deal with it. Keenan cried and cried. I feel so guilty. But at the same time I feel like if something doesnt change I am going to be a very mean person.
Does this constitute Crying-it-out? Some people may say yes, and I think it is to an extent. But I also think that all the attachment parenting I have done up to this point will be devalued if I continue to feel resentment towards my son and hubby.
All I am asking for is a break. Maybe one night of uninterupted sleep? Or to be able to sleep in once a month? I don't think that it is too much to ask for Chris to put Keenan down once in a while. We are both his parents, we should have to share the easy stuff and the hard stuff, and maybe that way we will all get some sleep.

The Crib

"Well, How did it go" you may ask.
After almost a week of sidecaring the crib, I have to say "not too bad."
The first night I was a total wreak, I kept thinking, is he breathing? I can't even fathom what the mother's that let thier children "cry-it-out" are thinking/feeling. I don't even try to understand it.
Keenan now sleeps the first half of the night in his crib and the rest in my arms. It works great as we don't disturb him when we go to bed, and I can fall asleep without the little body kicking me, and then when I am super tired he comes in next to us and we all sleep peacefully.
Mind you he is nursing like crazy, that damn tooth just won't come through. But I know it's because of his poor teeth and he will soon be back on some resemblance of a schedule before his new girlfriend comes to stay with us for two days a week..we will call her G for privacy sake.
Since he is now in his crib we are moving the office into the Crib's old room and moving the change table into the old office. That way when I am working on the computer Keenan has more of a playroom to play in.
What is the point of having "keenan's room" if he never sleeps in it???
I honestly don't see him moving out of our room until the new baby comes, whenever that will be. (soon I hope)

Big Boy

*sigh*
The last couple nights have been really hard. I totally jinxed myself by telling people that Keenan is a good sleeper. He WAS a good sleeper. The last 4 nights he has been up all night crying and moving and just not falling asleep until 6am, making Chris and I ... well... angry. We tried everything; boobie, tylenol (teething), not feeing him too late (upset tummy), too early (hungry), short pj's(hot), long p.j's (cold), yesterday I was so mad that I wasn't getting my sleep. I was seething. But I kept it all in there and continued to work with Keenan. He finally feel asleep when Chris couldn't take it and moved off the bed.
Then it donned on us. He sleeps great UNTIL we get in the bed. Then he can't sleep.
Now you all know what an avid co-sleeper I am. Ever since day one he has been in in our bed. So today when we decided to sidecar the crib. I wept.
Not because I am sad. I am happy, I know he is growing up, and maybe sleeping with him is putting my needs first, not OURS.
I don't know if this will work. But he is in there. In the Crib that I thought would never see the light of day. Maybe it's time that he had his own bed.
As I write this I am still weaping. I love him so much, and I love to hold him and smell him and nurse him all night. But, he is not my little baby any more, he is alomost 1 and 1/2, and becoming more and more independent everyday. Becoming a strong, intellectual, stubborn, shy, caring, friendly, outgoing, playful little boy, who will always ALWAYS be welcome in my bed. If HE wants to.

Changing the way you AP

Chris and I were just talking about this exact topic tonight as Keenan is 16months and begining to show us his independence and frustrations (in the form of screaming and/or biting).
As I tried to put Keenan down for the 3rd time in 3 hours > 9pm, nurse 30mins give up, 10pm nurse 30 mins, give up, 11pm nurse 40mins (asleep!) I lost my temper with DH saying that I really needed a break and perhaps he should put Keenan down. He told me that I chose to be an Attachment Parent and that I had said that in order to be AP you have to sacrifice. And my form of sacrifice is nursing Keenan to sleep, it may take 10mins one day and 2hrs the next but I honestly have no idea what else to do.
Chris and I are not willing to let him "cry it out" even in loving arms, and so we have to nurse down.
But sometimes when he just won't go to sleep and I want to go do something else after a long day, it makes me want to scream! :P
But, I digress, I totally agree that AP'ing a baby is easy, babywear, breast/or bottle feed in love, be in tune with that child etc. But as a toddler or older, they say NO, they have thier own ideas...and you are tired, not sleep deprived newborn tired, tired as in "Please stop touching that for the millionth time, yes that is a dog outside, please please please go to sleep"
I just try to think in a positive light and that Keenan will only be young for a short time, and I really wouldn't change it for the world. My child is so loving and sensitive and empathetic, because I nurse and hug and listen to him even when I just want him to be sleeping!

Breastfeeding Challenge

Can I go a week without talking about Breastfeeding? Nope, I have to be totally obsessed! The Calgary Attachment Parenting Group is sponsoringing the first annual Brastfeeding Challenge at Eau Claire Market on Sapt 30. Registration is at 10:30am, latch on is at 11.
What exactly is a breastfeeding challenge, you may ask. Well, it's not nursing to see how fast one's child can eat, or seeing how far your milk can spray (picturing squimish guys), it's basically seeing the ratio of babies latched on at the challenge to Calgary's birthrate. The Challenge part is if we can beat the other cities participating in the challenge.
"you mean it's not just kooky people in Calgary?" No! The breastfeeding challenge is to celebrate world breastfeeding week, so city's across Canada and the Us are participating.
www.babyfriendly.com
I would like to voulenteer, but I am so busy. I know it's a cop out. I do help when asked though.

Dead Wasp

Poor Keenan!
As we were going for our walk today, keenan walks beside me picking up
rocks, he reached down to touch a spinkler and starts screaming.
I grab his hand and see a wasp attached to it. I shake his hand trying
to get the wasp off, it doesn't budge. Meanwhile Keenan is still
screaming. I flick the wasp off take the stinger out and run home.
I call my DH at work, not available, he is out on a call (EMS). So I
call heath link, the nurse tells me to ice the site. I look everywhere
for an ice pack, don't have one. She says how about a freezie? I have
one of those, Keenan is still screaming, as I am cutting the top off
the freezie I give Keenan the boob, he crys a little telling me that
it really hurts, I tell him it's okay and that mama will make it
better. He latchs on oand the nurse comments "frezzies everytime!" I
reply actually he doesn't like freezies, I am nursing him." She
replies "even better".
So I really didn't need any advice, when in doubt use the boob!
FYI he didn't want the freezie.

If I were a cat...

I would have one less life!!
Okay I just had to post this, so typically me!!
Chris is on tour right now so I am home sans DH, so I tend to get a little freaked out easier. All yesterday I thought I could smell plastic burning. So I unplugged everything and spent an hour in my kitchen "sniffing" around. (Keenan thought this was hilarious btw)
I couldn't seem to find the source so I just forgot about it. But before I went to be I double checked to make sure everything was unplugged and turned off.
Around 8 this morning, I roused and thought I could smell smoke, but I assured myself that everything was off and unplugged and really, if there was a fire I have smoke detectors, so I feel back to sleep.
I woke up around 10:30 to a roaring noise. Was it a plane? No. Sounds like water, high pressure water on the side of the house. What was it?
OMG it's high pressure water...firehoses?? OMG there must be a fire in one of the units, and we must have slept through the alarms, or the door bell, and no one knows we are in here!!
So I rushed to the window threw open the shutters, expecting firetrucks and engines and...
suprised two window washers, not expecting to see a woman throw open her window in her underware!!
LOL

Stop the insanity!!!

Sometimes I wonder. What are people thinking. Well as you can tell from the subject on my blog, it is really just me surfing the web finding articles that piss me off and then sharing them with all of you.
As a fan of Shalom in the Home on TLC I was suprised when I read the following article, where Rabbi Schmuli has issues with people breastfeeding to *GASP* 11 months old, whereas the womans breasts are "de-eroticized" and marrigaes suffer for it. http://www.beliefnet.com/story/194/story_19451_1.html
His solution, cover up. Even at home. Where do we live? Canada, America? And we liberated women can not even feed our children from our breasts because our hubby's will be less likely to have a stiffy?
Give me a break! A man should be so lucky to have a wife that cares about his child so much that she sacrifices her time and body for the betterment of her child.
Oh and men, while we are at it, make sure that you are present at the birth of your child, just don't look down. Because as you know the vagina was created soley for your pleasure and seeing your child emerge from there won't make you want to have sex with your wife.
Better yet, convince her to have a c-section!! Yea that's it, an elective c-section will make sure that she has trouble producing milk, so you can bottle feed and don't have to share *your* breasts with your child, and the baby doesn't even come through the vagina, so you won't EVER have to worry about throwing the proverbial hotdog down that hallway!
Thank you Rabbi Shumuli! I am so happy to finally understand what my purpose in life is, to be my husbands sexual plaything no better than an oversized eroticized blow up doll.

Back From Ontario

And we absolutley loved it. I a however still on Ont time so to me it is 1:44am. I am so tired.
I just wanted to give an update,
Keenan is walking all over the place. Still like a wobbly sailor but so cute and so mobile. He can disapear really quick, one moment he is here the next gone.
Most memorible thing that happened in Ontario.
We went on a 2hr boat ride to a place called Parry Sound and had lunch. Getting there was great, no real waves, smooth ride all the way there.
The way back, however, is a total different story.
Bounce, bounce, bow-bounce, bounce. The waves we hard and frequent. Keenan had missed his nap and the violent bouncing of the boat scared him. So what did he do (remeber he couldn't nurse because of the lifejacket)
He slept. The whole way.
I have no idea how a kid who does not nap anywhere but in his bed could sleep while bouncing like that. No rythm, irratic, hard bouncing. And he sleeps the whole way.
Unbelievable.
I am happy to be home though. Ahhh.

Going on Vaycay!!

As most of you know I am on my way to sunny old Ontario for the remainder of the summer. So no, you can't get a hold of me.
A whole 20days without the internet, how will I ever survive? As you can see it is now 11pm and my flight is in 6hours and I am not sleeping yet. Why? Because I am addicted to the net and I need to be in constant contact with everyone. No really, Im just tieing up loose ends.
An email here a counter there.
I am going to miss my hubby like crazy. And it's no fun that I will be with his whole family without him for 10days. I can't wait until we can be at the cottage together.
This will be the first and only time I ever go without him again.
Too stressfull.
So don't email me, and comments won't be posted. It's like I will have stepped into a black abyss.
But the jet boat will be fun!!
Vroom, vroom!!

The 100th Post!!

http://ikea.shoplocal.com/ikea/default.aspx?action=browsepageflash
&pretailerid=-98652&siteid=713&promotioncode=IKEA-060723&page
number=1&storeid=2499966

I was so excited to see the family bed normalized in Ikea's new catelogue. Go to the link above and click on page 205. How cool is that? Although I do realize that these children are older than toddlers and infants, the fact is that they are sleeping *with* their parents. What else eould you expect from a european company?

We are so backwards here in North America.

Speaking of which, no idea what to say about these, below

http://www.pregnancystore.com/zaky.htm

At first my gut reaction was "EWW" "GROSS" and "The next level of detachment parenting, maybe some of my friends could use these."
And then I saw that they are marketed for preemies. I am all up for anything helping little preemies along. But what about Kangaroo care? (When the parent/baby has skin to skin contact) The website says when baby's are unable to be touched. When would they be unable to be touched?
I think that if Keenan was in the NICU and was fading fast and they said that if I rouched him he may die, and he may die anyway, I think I would tell them to "go where the sun don't shine" and hold my baby boy.
I may be wrong, but I think that real touch is the most important thing for healing.

Check out the link and form your own opinion. If they are for babies who can't be touched, why can a peice of cloth still touch them? Isn't that "touching"?

Breastfeeding

I am starting to notice the stares. The "everyone is watching you feeling." Now that Keenan is over a year, the general consensus is that I should wean him. That he is too old to nurse, that it's just disgusting. I get it from a lot of people, close to my heart and those who are not.
The funny thing is that children are not weaned from the breast in 3rd world countries until they are closer to their 5th birthdays. Gross you may say. But normal to them. Most children do wean themselves from the breast earlier than that, around two, when they are too busy to come to mama for a snuggle and a nurse.
I was like that once; I naively believed that baby's are the only ones who should nurse, and that once they reached a certain age, walking, talking, and actively going for the breast, that it was in fact too long for them to be nursing in the first place.
And then, my views changed. I had a son. He is part of me and nursing is bonding for us. I had so many issues with nursing in the beginning. Hours of spilt tears and why can't I's, it looks so easy's, and I'm a failure's. But I persevered. I gave him supplements, I pumped, I took medications and herbal remedies that caused fevers, I did everything that it took in order to nurse with my son.
His latch was wrong. I didn't know, lack of understanding and education is what led me down that road. I had childbirth classes and my mother had breastfed every one of her children, but I thought, "How hard can it be?" and ignored everything I was being taught.
My nipples bled, nursing felt worse than labour. They told me, a little pain is normal. I just thought I was a wuss. When I finally found out it was a bad latch Keenan was 6 weeks old and my supply was in jeopardy. So we did everything possible to try and fix it and continue with nursing.
By 6 months he was on solids, and nursing slowed down. With all the pressure lifted, I gained a healthy supply. And I have a boy who loves to nurse. Not for nourishment per se, but for comfort and for compassion and for love.
I don't write this to say to the bottle feeders of the world that what they are doing is wrong, or that they aren’t as bonded, or don't love their children as much as I do mine. On the contrary, I have been there. I have given him formula, I cried so hard, afraid that he would never nurse again, and the overwhelming sense of failure. The people around me kept saying that it was no big deal, that he would thrive and that we would bond in other ways. And that is all true, but all I wanted was to nurse.
Now, because I have overcome all my nursing struggles and we have a healthy and happy nursing relationship, I feel angry when people pressure me to wean or to feel as if I am doing something wrong.
Don't look at me if it grosses you out. Don't look at me if you think he is too old. Don't look at me if you think I should cover myself up. But, most of all; Keep your comments to yourself.
I have worked too hard and too long to have someone make my son feel as though what he is doing is wrong.
He loves his mama, and his mama loves him and this is how we communicate our love for one another. It is how we check in at the beginning and end of the day. It is how we relax before a nap and after a bath.
It is a sacrifice and a gift that I give to my son everyday. Because I am his mom.

Check out the link below to see other mama's participating in this gift.
http://celebritybabies.typepad.com/photos/breastfeeding/index.html?