Social Media, Post Partum and My Life - An Ongoing Battle.

A few days ago I was offering advice on a Facebook group that I belong to about anxiety as a first time mom. This wasn't in any special group, another one of those mommy-clubs that are over represented on social media. This particular group is just a bunch of women who shared the same month of pregnancy; a due date club or what have you, nothing else other than the date of conception, morning sickness commiseration's, and the sharing of birth stories and milestones to keep the group a cohesive unit.

It's not that I needed to join another group of mothers, I have plenty of real life amazing girlfriends and a tribe within my own parenting circle of almost 10 years. However, for some reason I am drawn to the first time mom to help and support her. This is probably because I felt so alone and isolated when I, myself, was a first time mom.

As the story goes, I gave this mother some heartfelt advice and it was not well received. Since the invention of Facebook I have noticed new mothers are increasingly more unsure of their new life, maybe because we post statuses every couple hours and our whole lives are up for public scrutiny. I reached out to try and quell some fears that she had on illness, about this whole vaccine crisis, about how everything is risky, and we just have to live our lives well in spite of that. She disagreed vehemently with my viewpoint and it was actually some of the most hurtful words that have ever been thrown my way. This may have been from fear, insecurity or just anger - I am not sure really; but it has profoundly changed the way that I think about myself at the moment.

I have been struggling with post partum depression for a while, and I find that my viewpoint of myself is really coloured by ppd. It's hard to tell what are normal feelings and which ones are exacerbated by the illogical side effects of depression. On a regular day this would have been water off my back, but because of my ppd I have been stressing about it, over analysing and over thinking 2 paragraphs of hurtful comments that happened over a week ago.

This one chance encounter really made me look at why I participate in these online mommy groups, and why I feel that I should be giving advice to people who don't want it, didn't ask for it, and probably really don't need it from some random stranger online. I know that I go into a helping mode so that I don't have to pay attention to the insecurities and fears that I have surrounding my own abilities as a mother. That for me the internet is somewhere to hide when my depression is all encompassing and incredibly hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's somewhere that I can distract myself from the chaos that surrounds me and try and help those who look like they need support when I can't figure out how to support myself.  

This mother told me in not so many words to fuck off, that she hadn't asked for my advice. That I am self-centered and condescending. Patronising even. Pretty much the exact opposite of what I try to be in my life. 

I am not sure if I would have taken it so much to heart if I wasn't in the midst of post-partum, but her words cut so deep to the core that it is hard to get past them. The logical part of my brain tells me that this is insane to continue to feel anxiety and sadness over this as it is just one woman who I don't even know in real life. Just a random mom on the internet with a difference of opinion. Just like me.  I can't help but wonder if she lashed out because of her fears and her insecurities or if it really is a case of me putting my nose where it really shouldn't have been. (as I have been guilty of the latter before.)

All I know is that perhaps my time to help the insecure and frightened mothers online is really a losing battle. It's not for the faint of heart and truth be told I am much too sensitive. I can't take many attacks to my vulnerable spirit. The torch must be passed on and as much as I would like to think that new mothers want the advice that older more experienced mothers have - it's not really so. I remember as a first time mom how much I thought I already knew, and wasn't really open to getting any advice even though I was so desperately lonely and really needed someone to hold my hand.

It's only when you have been a mother for a while do you see value in those that came before. 

This isn't to say that I won't continue to help mothers in need of validation or support as that would go against my very nature. However, I am going to focus on the people I interact with on a real life basis and leave the Facebook couch psychology realm for some other mother/ activist
who is not so burnt out and who doesn't need the support herself. 

So as with everything, this was a wake up call to get my spirit out of the Facebook world where it can so easily get trampled and place it back into my body where it belongs. I guess I should be grateful for that. 

India - The Prequel

Hindu Temple

When you tell people that you are going to India they get really excited. I think it's because it is one of those exotic far-away destinations that almost everyone has on their bucket list. Maybe it's because it is so far away, or maybe because there is something for everyone. They have a rich history, amazing food, an incredible culture, nice weather, and spirituality that encompasses the whole country.

While we were travelling we saw tourists that fit in every one of these categories. Families there for the sun, backpackers there to experience the "real" India, older tourists visiting all the heritage sights, and many many people dressed in what I would consider yogi, or simple clothes following a spiritual path that only they and their god(s) knew of.

For many people India is a world that is full of mystery, and wonderings. It is so far removed from our western culture that it gets romanticized in our movies and media. You hear again and again from people who have been there that India is not a destination, but rather an experience. And, it was. However for me, it was not an experience that people would assume - you see it was not my first time to India, and going back coloured my experience in more ways than even I expected.

12 year old me

When I was 12 years old my parents and my three siblings moved to Kota, Rajasthan. My dad was working with the Canadian and Indian governments on a project and so my grade 6 year we moved from Canada into a 6 bedroom house in the outskirts of a little town in north west India. We had many servants, a cook and a nanny. (her name was Shanti) It sounds like it was glamorous or something but my parents are not like that at all. We had to have the servants as it was expected that a western family would have them.  Honestly though, my mom had 4 kids under 12 in a foreign country with no support so I think she enjoyed the help at least a little. We were not the only family that lived in Kota, as the project was quite big. I was lucky enough that there was another girl my age and we made fast friends the first day of "school". All the children on the project were homeschooled, but we also went to school with a teacher who made sure that we kept on track with curriculum.

A Holy Cow

I can't really sum up that year except to say that THIS was the experience that people talk about. I think that it would have been the same had we gone to any third world country. I was an adolescent girl who was  acutely aware of myself. Incredibly self conscious and even more so as I was one of 40 or so families that were white. People noticed me. All the time. They looked, stared, and gestured. People smiled and were curious...and I, who has always been an extrovert, was incredibly shy. This was the one year of my life that I feel I took a backseat and WATCHED instead of jumping right up to the front as I usually do - even to this day.

The reason behind this is because I was a complete outsider. Not only did I not speak the language, but I was also a girl (becoming a woman), and at that time women were expected to act differently than they would be in North America. I had to learn new ways to carry myself, to talk to elders, to men, to my brothers. Having always been the oldest in my family, it surprised me when people would comment on how I must pay so much respect to these two little brats that made my life miserable, how there were celebrations for them, how I was to respect them. I can't really explain what it is like to grow up in a culture with such freedom for women and girls, and then living within another one that marginalizes them.

Experiences are the things that shape you. I credit India for shaping me.

When I came back to Canada I was again the outsider. Of course it was Jr.High, but how can one girl go back into the social pecking order that is adolescence when her whole idea of the world is vastly different than that of all her classmates?

I had felt racism directed at me. I had felt inequality in my soul. I saw true poverty with my own eyes. True desperation, and real suffering. I had witnessed squalor, filth, hopelessness and death. But I had also witnessed understanding, compassion, joy, and a work ethic like no other. This changes you, especially if this happens in those formative years when you are just learning about yourself. My experience made me more compassionate, more empathetic, and more understanding of all people around me. It also made me incredibly grateful for the life that I have been so lucky to be born into - that of a middle class Canadian woman.

Wearing a Sari as an Adult

And yes, India was amazing. I will share what I learned this time around in a series of posts. I am not sure how many I will do as this one wasn't really supposed to go into this direction - but I have a feeling none of them will since it is about a country that has touched my very soul.

Homeschooling, Kindergarten, and School Memories

I have been thinking a lot about what I am going to do next year. Next year all three of my children will be "school aged". 
Now, I know what you are thinking. I am a homeschooler. Why do I even care?
Well, the problem is that I care a whole lot and that is why I have no idea what I am going to do. See, in my province we get funding for our children's education when we homeschool, but this is only true for children between grades 1 - 12.
Kindergarten children do not get any funding. Yes, there are a couple boards that do offer funding for Kndergarten, but it is few and far between. (plus the driving to those boards would take me forever.
I really wish that the program my older son is in had funding for Kindy as it would be so much easier for me.

When we started down this homeschooling journey we looked at a lot of factors and you can go back and see how much I worried about it. If I was making the right choice, if he would be okay, if I could do it… all sorts of worries really. But as we have been on this path I am becoming more confident in my choices to homeschool my son. A lot of his doctors and his psychologist also commended me for tailoring this learning path for someone with ADHD.


But, my second son is nothing like my first. My husband wants to put him in full time kindergarten at the local school. Coupled with the fact that he can't sit to save his life and that 4 days is a long time at school for someone who hasn't been…the idea isn't really sitting so well.
My friends say just to homeschool Kindy, or to send him to the homeschool kindy school, or even skip kindergarten all together and just send him to the blended in grade 1…The problem is though is that I am torn. I want him to get as many good memories of Kindergarten as I did and sometimes I think everyday kindergarten would be the best option…that or the private school down the road.
My best memories of school were in Kindergarten. I know that they are old, and that Kindergarten is nothing like it used to be…but it was the first time that you were alone to make friends and be somewhat autonomous. I remember playing house and baking cookies, listening to Sharon, Lois and Bram - "peanut, peanut, butter, jelly."
I remember reading in this special nook (maybe not actually reading), sitting there with my friends, looking at all those pictures. I remember having a nap, which I know does not happen any more. I just remember this loving and caring teacher who let me learn as I wanted to, no pressure and being happy.
And I don't want him to miss it. This decision is going to be a doozy…I can already tell.

*************************************************************************************************************************

I'm participating in the Our Kids Private School Expo Blog Hop.  Yesterday's School Memories post  can be found at Raincoast Cottage.  Tomorrow, the fun is happening at Linkie's Contest Linkies
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The Blissdom Canada 2012 recap

Well, I am back from Blissdom Canada 2012. Did you miss me? I promise that I will get back to my regular blogs about Halloween on Thursday (and then some!)

I had a great time in Toronto, and better still my kids had a great time without me! My house is clean, I am renewed and refreshed and I got to spend the weekend with 500 other women (and a handful of men) that speak my language.

Love Marilyn!

Sitting in the Chair! My dream!!

I came in early for the conference as I won tickets to the Marilyn Denis show. This was a dream come true for me. I have been watching Marilyn for years with my mom and so to see her live and get to talk with her one on one was so great. She gave me a big hug and I got to sit in her chair…it's the little things you know….

Town Hall

Spent the rest of the day just walking around the city. It is SO big, and so so much faster paced than Calgary. I have to say that I actually got quite overwhelmed and had to retreat back to the hotel just to have a little quiet time. I love the city, but it also scared me at the same time.

Not even a 1/4 of the mall!!

That night I was waitlisted for the Road Rally (think Amazing Race), but in the end I got to go. (thanks Brooke!) We ran around Toronto being chauffeured by our wonderful driver Patrick and took many different pictures, videos and tweeted the whole time. It was so crazy and I am glad that all 3 of my team mates were from Toronto (lucky that way).

Next was the kick off party where we had Microsoft show us some neat things and I watched many women dance the night away with the Kinect dance challenge. (it was pretty funny)

It was at this party that I met Annie of PhD in Parenting. I felt like such a nerd and fan girl, but she was so nice and made me feel right at home. (thanks to Mara for introducing us - and thanks to Candace for showing me that she was there.)

Annie and I

Ann and I

Saturday was the first real day of the conference. It started with a welcome breakfast and we had a presentation by Dove. Next we had 3 micro-sessions to talk about things that we really wanted to learn.
The micro-sessions were by far my favourite part of the conference. I learned about analytics with Annie, How to Be an Expert with Candace, and How to Write a Book with Ann Douglas.

After lunch we had the opportunity to listen to the keynote speakers. While all of the talks were amazing in their own right, my favourite by far was Bonnie Stewart. Here is a post that she wrote that has some of the key ideas of that talk. It is something that we really have to take to heart as the internet is really just an extension of us in the real world and we must always be aware of that.

Jian and I

I was able to get my book signed by Jian Ghomeshi, the Sh*tty Moms, Andrea Nair, and by Amy McKay. (Bliss for a book lover like myself.)

So cute!!

Saturday evening my blogging girlfriends and I went to get our hair done and we dressed up as Mad Men Women for the karaoke costume party. We had planned this group costume for over two months and it was great to see it in action! It was too fun and I looked so cute! I could be a 1950's housewife every day! The party also gave me an opportunity to connect with other really neat people. I met Kyla from MommysWeird and I swear we were best friends in another life! I love this conference for stuff like that!

Hope I don't crash!!

The next day I went to the GM plant in Oshawa and learned all about the new technology that they are putting into their cars. It was pretty neat to see the "behind the scenes" and I really like how they listen to the consumer. I actually talked to them about integrated carseats and they discussed it with me. My favourite new feature that they showed us was that they have sensors that see the lines on the road and if you go over the line it vibrates your seat to alert you. How neat is that? I think it is for rumble strips (since there is talk about getting rid of them due to cyclist commutes).

Pretty Sweet!

I got to drive a Camaro (a new souped up edition) and do a slalom course, a doughnut course, and a fast breaking course. It was pretty neat and I joked with the drivers if they knew the Stig (since they all spoke french).




After the excursion was over we were whisked VIP style back to the airport to await our (delayed) flight to Calgary. The drive was great and I have to note that out of all the sponsors at Blissdom, GM were my favourite as the always had cars and drivers waiting for people, and if you were from out of town like me, that service was really invaluable.

My Ride

I learned a lot, not only about Social Media, Marketing, Books and Branding, but also about myself. I learned that I need to really look deep inside of myself and see what I want to do, apart from being a mother and a wife, and to take more time just for myself.

My kids survived, my house survived, my husband is capable.

Blissdom Canada 2013?? I think so.

Homeschooling =/= School at Home

We are homeschoolers.

Last year was our first *official* year of registering with a school board with the intent to homeschool. Before that my son went to kindergarten in a regular public school and before that I "home schooled" preschool (but I also owned a preschool at the time so it wasn't too much of a stretch).

Of course when we decided to homeschool we came across many different opinions of why we should not. Allowing him to be behind in academics was one concern, another was not being able to be on the sports teams within his school,  or not having access to IP programs and aides for his ADHD. The biggest concern that friends and family had (and perfect strangers for that matter), was socialization.

Socialization is such a funny concept though, because if you look at our society as a whole, the schools idea of socialization and putting children into little boxes that are all the same age group isn't really how the real world works. We mix together with children of different ages, ethnicity and backgrounds (both educational and economic). So to say that one has to go to their neighbourhood public school to be socialized is erroneous at best.

Watch: Ken Robinsons Talk on Learning Revolution

Another common misconception is the "what exactly do you teach him?" What don't I teach him? If you go to your local provinces guidelines for education outcomes you can see that the ones for elementary school are really quite basic. Some of the learning outcomes kids already know before they go into the system and others can be taught by a variety of methods outside the traditional classroom.

"But you are not a teacher!" That is right. I am not trained as a professional teacher, and I don't pretend to be. I am one of those homeschooling parents who contracts out for my kids education. I look at their strengths and weaknesses and my strengths and weaknesses and I find the ones that mesh and the ones that don't.

My son goes to a particular program that is really well suited for children with ADHD in my city, and we are so lucky that it is available. He goes to classes two days a week where the professional teachers teach math, science, social and English in a thematic based approach. (Thematics means all of the subjects together, and project based). This is a wonderful approach for a child with a short attention span who can't be bothered, or gets bored, doing worksheets. The rest of the week we have other classes. Swimming lessons for gym, piano lessons for music, and an incredible City Ecosystems class for getting outside and learning about habitats every single week. (which also means me living in my car for hours on end…)

We do have days where all we do is science experiments with kits that we have bought at Scholars Choice or from The Magic School Bus. We do math games, games for learning, games for writing, and games for reading all just for fun. Not scheduled, just thrown in whenever we have a spare time to learn. We also have days when we do nothing but play and read and learn just by living. It's this balance that is so wonderful for our family, and why I choose to continue the path that we are on.

Learning is all around you. It doesn't have to be so rigid and doing what works best for your family and your child is really all that matters in the end. So if you are thinking that homeschooling needs to look like something in order for it to work, re-evaluate and see that parenting doesn't have to look like something for it to work as each and every parent will do it differently…and that is okay too.

                                                       My Vlog about Car-schooling. :P

Can the Cupcake or Tips for Sending Treats to School

My Son's Allergy Bracelet

It's that time again, and so the topic of sweets and schools is in the forefront. With allergies and sensitivities at an all time high, many parents do not realize that sending a treat to school can lead to disappointments and tears for a growing number of children (or worse). Who can blame these parents for wanting to send something special for a class party or a birthday? Food is one of those things that has been the center of a community for countless generations.

Switch Witch

Disappointment is something that children with allergies/sensitivities and/or food preferences are just going to have to learn at an early age. As adults we can understand fully what happens when we eat something that we should not, however, children have a real hard time understanding this especially from the ages of 3-7 when being like your peers is a daily goal. Protecting our children from disappointment is easier when they are not in daycare/preschool/school as we control the environment and/or we can distract and/or we can be prepared in advance.  For example, being the "switch witch" at Halloween you can take all the candies that your kids cannot eat and leave a toy in its place, or you can take your children to venues that have goodies that they *can* eat. It is only when the child is asked to do this self-policing that things can get a bit trickier…

As a parent with a child with food challenges here are some ideas to make the early years a bit more manageable:

Can't get any simpler than that. 

1.) Ask the teacher for a list of all the birthdays in the class. Make sure that when they land that your child has a substitute (frozen treat that they can eat) already at the school or send with the child in his/her lunch.

2.) Ask the teacher for a list of all the food sensitivities/allergies and preferences and then sign up to bring a treat and make sure that it does not have any of the trouble foods in it. Tell the other parents so that they know and are aware of the food challenges in class.

3.) Get shirts, pins, bracelets or labels to go on your children’s school items so that all the parents/teachers that see your child will know that they have food challenges. With more education comes more change.

4.) Get involved in your child’s parent council. Especially if your child has a severe allergy. Peanuts are not the only food that can kill a child, and again education is key.

5.) Consider doing a presentation or have a coffee meeting with the parents to let them know that having a heads up when they want to bring treats is preferable… sometimes parents will just keep kids from home, it  can be simpler that way.

As a parent of a child who does not have any food challenges.

Leave the Cupcakes at home.

1.) Try not to send baked goods. As much fun as it is to have the whole class celebrate with your child, baked goods are one of the most common things that all children can not eat. There will always be one child who must miss out. If it is the child with diabetes, the vegan child or the child with a dairy, egg or gluten allergy; one of them will be disappointed when everyone else gets to share in the celebration and they can not.

2.) If you really want to send baked goods, ask the teacher for a list of all the food challenges that are in the class and try to accommodate. The children may not be able to eat it anyway, with all of your efforts as cross-contamination is really easy to happen when baking, and most parents will not let their child take that risk.

Little Tree Crayons

3.) Send stickers, pencils or homemade crayons as a way to celebrate. This way the celebration can last longer than eating a cupcake in 5 seconds flat!! (and I bet the kids will treasure it more!)

4.) Make your child an extra special birthday lunch with their favourite foods. You could also make a themed lunch. Just typing into google-bento lunch and your child's favourite thing can give you a whole host of ideas to try. It will also make your child feel really special – and isn’t that the point entirely?

5.) Save the cupcake for home or the birthday party. A lot of it comes down to the parents of the other children not knowing that a treat is coming so that they can prepare accordingly. If you save the treats for the party the other parents can warn their child or have a substitute.

6.) Send fruit or vegetables. Childhood obesity is on the rise and many children do not get the proper servings of fruits and veggies needed for optimal growth, a celebration day is a great way to get them into children.

We don’t have to take food completely out of celebrations to make everyone happy, but we can choose other things to make it a more inclusionary practice. There are many different ways that we can dress up good allergen free foods to make them fun too. It just takes a little more creativity and some time…time you have when you are not icing 24 cupcakes. 

It's even Vegetarian!

He and ADHD

My son was diagnosed with ADHD.

Lego Ninjago

How many times have you read that? Many I suppose. It's not like it is some new age diagnosis that has been over diagnosed by pediatricians that have no idea what they are really talking about since it is a brain thing - and not a body thing - or is it both?

The point is that yes, many kids have it.

It's not a death sentence. Its not something that can be cured. It's not something that needs to be worn on the sleeve if his shirt to let everyone know that hey, he may be a little different. It's not an excuse for bad behaviour. It's not an excuse for any behaviour at all.

It's the way he thinks. It's in his DNA. In his brain chemistry. And yes, some if the behaviours that are symptoms can be hard to deal with for me. But they are also hard for him. He doesn't think like me. He doesn't understand some social cues. He doesn't understand personal space. He doesn't understand why his playing really loudly can sometimes cause adults to be irritated - he doesn't realize that he is doing it. And he isn't doing it on purpose.

I can tell him a million times that he needs to "be quiet" or that he must "calm down" or "stop moving" but that isn't going to make him stop. It will just make me more frustrated. It will also hurt his self esteem. But I will still do it. I am only human. 

Loves to Learn! 

The worst part about ADHD is that these kids are smart. Not just book smart, but smart beyond their years. They are creative, and think outside the box. They are leaders, forward thinkers and trail blazers. They take risks. (this may be because they lack the executive functioning not to think about risk, before they take them... But this is beside the point.)

The reason why this is bad is because you, the parent, the teacher, the adult can forget so quickly that these children are different and your expectations of them will be off. You will expect more of them than needs to be expected - and that isn't fair to him and it certainly isn't fair to you.
But life isn't fair. 

The best thing I can do is educate myself and continue to ask questions. Try to view the world from his eyes. Try to remind myself daily that he isn't like his brothers and to stop comparing them. To see them as individuals with different strengths and weaknesses - not better nor different - but unique to them. 

Inquisitive

It has taken me a long time to write this post. We knew that he was a challenge when he was younger and had flags go up as he progressed in school. Why such a bright kid was having so many problems, we knew it was coming. I didn't want to know - and even now am wary of the diagnosis as it is a label..and who really wants the label good or bad or indifferent? 

But I need to own it. To be an advocate for him and for our whole family. To learn and share my knowledge to other families going through the same thing but maybe not as vocal as me.. (who is) who maybe don't have the same background as me and maybe don't know what questions to ask. 

I struggled when they gave me the 12 page report that outlined all the tests and issues and suggestions and considerations about my son. But you know what? Its just a piece of paper. He is who he is for a reason. It is my job as his mom to give him the tools to be the best that he can be just by being himself.
                                                

I love this boy!!

**update Aug 31 - After writing my blog I recieved some comments and so I decided to compose a Vlog for you. (sorry for the lighting and the crappy quality - working on it)

You know you are a mother when….

Today was one of those days. The days that just keep kicking you even when you are down.
It started when I decided (for the first time in 3 weeks) to go to bed early. My littlest still sleeps in the family bed, so I happily climbed in all ready to get some much needed sleep - when he woke up.
He sometimes wakes for a couple minutes, so I patted him down and he fell back asleep.

And then woke up. Again, and again, and again. He woke up every hour from 11pm to 5am… He is night weaned and has been sleeping through the night for months (at 23 months old). It was a rough night!!

But, we mothers can function on very little sleep so I got up and went about my day. I let my middle child pour the milk for his cereal (training him to do it himself) and he spilled the whole thing…It was okay - no need to cry over spilt milk - but my cleaning list started to grow from that point.

We went to feed our fish. Three little guppies that we were growing attached to - and of course, "why is that one upside down??" and of course it *had* to be K's as he is the most sensitive one. Lots of talking and lots of tears later, and lots of WHY questions… we said goodbye to the spotted one.

After the tragedy they were playing very nicely, little fights here and there, however they would not leave the kitchen and had me tripping over them time and time out. I was starting to get frustrated. I remembered that they seem to act out more on a weekend when dad is not home - so I sucked it up, and found them work to do.

I decided to send them outside to play so that I could finish the kitchen. Just as I put my youngest in his snow gear he pooped. I picked him up and went upstairs to change him (of course I had just run out of diaper liners - and so now my cleaning list grew some more as this particular cloth diaper needed some TLC.

As I was putting a freshly clean cloth diper on his bum, my middle child came in the room. I asked him if he went pee (as he was entering the bathroom as I headed up the stairs). He said, yes that he had gone pee. But that he wanted to be like E. (the youngest). I asked him - how so? He told me that he pooped in his pants. He is 4. Has been potty trained for a year. I said, you want to poop in your pants? He replied, no I pooped in my pants to be like E.

I would like to say that I stayed calm, but I was pretty irritated that he would purposefully poop in his pants (adding more to the cleaning list). I took him to the bathroom and sure enough a kid sized poop was in his pants. I put him on the potty and left the room…taking a parent time out. (He finished on the potty and I praised and smiled…and the grumbled to myself while cleaning now the potty and the pants.)

They went outside. The day continued. They came back in. Wanted to paint.

We painted. They made a collosial mess… paint on the floor and the walls… apparently they like to wave their hands a lot when excited.

Cleaned up, went downstairs - ate popcorn, watched a movie. (emotionally scarred R - the middle - UP is too intense for him.)

Left the TV on for 15 mins while I re-heated the pizzas in the oven and came down to E - sleeping at 6:30pm… 7 was usually his bedtime, and I panicked. Not wanting him to miss dinner and not wanting to be up all night - I woke him…..he didnt eat dinner anyway….

Bed for the big two at 8pm….E didnt go down until 10pm… that cat nap sure gave him a second wind.

Just as I got E to sleep, K - the big one, calls me into his room.. I walk in and he goes, "mom, my neck feels funny." I say, "oh?" and walk over to feel it. Not a moment after my hand is on his neck he starts to gag and projectiles in my direction. I pick up the closest thing to me - which is a basket - and he fills it with regurgetated popcorn and pizza. I gag, he gags again and continues.

After he is done, I carry him to the bathroom and place him on the toilet. I go and strip his bed (look more cleaning!!) and thow it in the wash. I look at the basket.

It's a wicker basket that I use to collect their toys that they leave in my living room. It sits on my stairs and then at the end of the day is brought up into their rooms to empty….so this one - full of puke - also had ALL of the toys that he loves the MOST!

I take the basket into the bathroom dump it in the sink - fill the sink with water and gag - and gag- and gag - and start to *fish* out Lego Minifigures…. Luke, Darth Vader, and Ninjagos and floating in stomach contents.

It is in that moment that I think about how *only* a mom would do this. No one else would sift through vomit to save beloved toys. And as he sat on the toilet he kept asking in a panicked voice - "you are not losing them down the drain are you??"

I wish that was the end - but it is not…he puked again…and I had to strip the bed again, and throw stuff in the wash again - and as I write this I can hear him retching…..it is going to be a long long long night….

Sigh. (but this *is* my job.)

End of an Era.

A couple of days ago my favourite parenting magazine Mothering said that it could no longer sustain the magazine portion of their business and that they are going to go towards an information/web only form of publication.

I was shocked. Mothering has been around since the late 70's! I could not believe that such an important part of my information gathering was going to be no more. I give out these magazines to clients and to friends who have babies and so I am sad that this part of the company will be no more. I love the realness of a magazine, the smell, the feel and the fact that I can stash them just about everywhere. I will have to guard my back issues that much more carefully. :)

I have been thinking alot on why this has happened. Of course the American economy is partly to blame, and they could have too much staff or what have you. But I think the real reason is because they are no longer a "Fringe" magazine.

Let me explain. For many many years Mothering has been accepted by one type of person. Your super crunchy attachment parent. (of course Natural Family Living as well). So you had one type of subscriber that would pay $30 or more (which is almost double than other "mainstream" parenting mags) because they wanted to feel that others felt the same way.

After 2005, "AP" became more "mainstream". I used to be on a parenting support forum that really was a proponent of Crying it Out, or smacking, or yelling and all out "seen but not heard" children. I went back again to see what their thoughts were, just because I was curious, and instead they were talking about their favourite slings, cloth diapers, sleeping in the same bed as the baby, and nursing well past a year.

I was kinda thrown.

But it's true. Attachment parenting principals are becoming more widely used. Mostly because parents are listening to their guts and not the textbook, or the doctor, or their mom, or whoever...just themselves.

And so with this "trend" mainstream magazines are more likely to print about safe ways to sleep with your baby, how to breastfeed, and what sling is the most awesome....and that takes market share away from Mothering as you can get 24 issues of Todays Parent for $1! (which is way cheaper...)

In a way, they kind of helped to make themselves obsolete.....and I am not sure if that is good or bad in the end.

Sleep Training.

My advice to a mom of a 8 month old that wakes up every two hours and is at the end of her rope..

The thing is that some babies can be "trained" by No-Cry, or Shush-Pat, or whatever...but some just can't. You either get a good sleeper or you don't. What is more important is for you to get some coping techniques.

My eldest STILL doesnt sleep though the night and he is 5. (he stopped napping at 15mos as well.)

I would suggest going to bed with him so that you get *some* sleep before that first wake up, and if you leave the lights off he may just dream feed and go back to sleep. I know, it sucks! But when we choose to parent the way that we do, alone/adult time becomes part of the sacrifice.

I also found that the *more* I stressed about sleep the *less* my kids will sleep. It's almost murphys law. If I took a couple days and said, I will just go with it, my kids would not *feel* me trying to pull away and they would become more secure and then let me have more freedom.

Does that make sense?

Our kids can feel when we want space, and feel resentment, and they get scared and insecure so they *latch on* (pun intended) even more.

Screw the Books

As some of you may know I have been in this parenting journey for 5 years. Funny enough 5 years seems like a lifetime. Working with parents I am exposed to a lot of mommy judgement, not directed at me in particular but listening to moms conversations when I am setting up or taking down a class, trade fair, event etc.

And every single year new moms put their feet so far up their butts it is not even funny. They talk and gossip about how so-and -so and her kid is so this or so that. How the kid will be messed up, and how they will NEVER do that....

I know, I know! I did it too!! This is the sad part. We are so disconnected with our community that we don't even know it!! Imagine if you became friends with moms before you were pregnant...if we had an opportunity to learn rather than judge?

When I had my first son I had to run into a local baby store to grab a soother clip or something and left him in the car with my husband...he was 3 0r 4 months old. In the store there were these two moms having a conversation, one was holding her baby and the other had her (7 to 9 month old) baby sitting/crawling on the floor.

I can't tell you how disgusted I was. I mean that baby was on the dirty store floor!!! Gross.....laughable isnt it?!

My children would NEVER go on a gross floor like that....oh yes they would! And later when I had my third he would eat cheerios of said gross floor if it meant I could make a purchase with both hands!

The Feminist Breeder wrote a post recently about this phenomena. It's so true, each generation of mothers sits upon her high horse if only for a moment to be kicked off by her kid...maybe not kid #1, or #2 but at some point she will.

Reading every parenting book and following every class and doing everything that the "experts" say will NOT make your kids any less fucked up than they are going to be. It will just make you feel more depressed that you are doing it all *wrong*.

YOU ARE NOT DOING IT WRONG.

Pass the Vegetables Please

My son is a vegetarian. He refuses to eat anything that ever had a heart beat. The rest of our family is about 75 - 80% vegetarian depending on the week. Ever since I had my first son I have been trying to eat more local, sustainable and in season. I have many friends who are vegetarian, vegan and the like, but I have never been able to fully commit myself. (it's the sushi and the lamb).

At first I thought that my son was just an incredibly picky eater. He was only 3 years old. He just didn't like the way chicken tasted...or beef...or lamb...or fish....hmmm. I tried him on Tofu expecting him to turn his nose up at it, I mean even some grown ADULTS turn their nose up to tofu. But no, he gobbled up his whole plate and asked for seconds and thirds!!

I tried to bribe him with chicken nuggets and fish and chips. He wouldn't have any of it. More carrots he would ask, more sweet potatoes, more peas. I finally resigned myself to the fact that my 5 year old can make some decisions all by himself.

He loves Edaname. Can't get enough noodles and loves to eat gnocchi. Veggie Potstickers, spring rolls, and of course peanut butter sandwiches. There isn't too many veggies that he doesn't like apart from mushrooms and black beans.

I used to try and fight it, because lets face it, vegetarian is a better/healthier option...but for a busy mom of 3 sometimes it's easier to get drive thru Swiss Chalet.

Barely Making It? Change it up.

I have talked before how it irritates me when people say "I don't know how you do it" in regards to single parenting 85% of the time. My response is always "Not well!" Today was sure one of those examples!

My lovely sister came over last night to watch my children for me so that I could go on a much needed Moms Night Out. (which I enjoyed immensely) When I came home we decided to stay up and have some girl time. I stayed up WAY too late! 2 am is not okay for moms of 3 kids. I felt sick in the morning. (and I didn't get my latte, so that makes me grouchy as well). She helped me put together some furniture (IKEA), and then went back to her life...and I back to mine.

There is something about lack of sleep and lack of latte that makes children's fighting and whining that much more hard to take, and makes me a much worse parent. I was yelling and screaming and sending kids to their rooms because *I* was having the tantrum.

It's interesting how just that little bit of extra sleep can really change the tone of the day. Also, how when I lose control it just reinforces the behaviours that I don't really like to see in them...but they are just copying the way that I react when I am having a tough go.

Weekends have always been the toughest in any case because being alone with no adult interaction really drains on me. But I have said this before. I really feel that being a parent that tries to be present and aware of my kids feelings etc, sets me up for a little bit more failure because the expectations of my self are much higher than they could be.

I try not to speed through the day because I don't want to rush through their childhood, so I decided instead to sign them both up for a class. It's a sports class right in the middle of the day. So we get out, change the routine and make the day better.

After our class we visited Starbucks and got hot chocolates, and my latte... we then came home and watched a movie together, dinner then bedtime....and the hope that tomorrow will be much better! :)

The Polite Thing

Picture this...you saved up all your money to buy a nice fancy car you have always wanted. You love the feel of the seats, the smell of the upholstery, the way that the engine purrs. You love it so much that you take it with you everywhere, and why wouldn't you? It's your favourite car.

One day you drive it to your mom's house for a dinner party. All your mom's friends are there and they gush about how cute you look in your new car. Your mom's best friend's daughter enters the room and tells you how much she would love a car like that.

You take people out to show it to them. You rev the engine. People love how shiny it is, and they comment on how great it is for you to have gotten it. You spend almost as much time in the party as you do outside admiring your new car.

Later in the evening you notice that your mom's friend's daughter has taken your keys and is attempting to drive away. You panic and run out side to stop her. Your mom grabs your arm and says, "Why not let Jenny have a turn? You have to share."

You get visibly upset. It is YOUR car! Why do you have to share it with anyone? You yell at your mom and say no! But, instead of your mom taking your side she tells you that you are not being a very nice child and that you have to learn how to share your things.

You are outraged! You kick and scream! You are so mad at Jenny for taking your car. No one is taking your side, and worse yet you are being punished for it.

You don't understand. You are so sad.

People laugh it off and say, "Ah that is life...everyone has to learn how to share."

But do we? Would you share your car if someone asked you to? Or how about if someone just came and took it....and maybe if you would, what if it was the one thing that meant the world to you...would you then?

Think about it for a second, and then ask your self why we expect our children to share if we as adults don't....

The Spirited Child

I went to a parent's group today just to learn more about my kids etc. We were talking about temperaments and how no matter what your parenting style is, how it will not affect the child's innate personality; no matter how hard you try.

We talked about labels and how we can say lots of negative labels when referring to our kids, but how we can change those labels into positive traits as well. For example, bossy could be self-assured, defiant could be independent, nosey could be seen as curious. When we look at these labels in a positive way we see that we actually want to cultivate them in our children. Self-assured, independent, curious adults are exactly what I want my sons to be.

We also talked about the label of the spirited child. We took a test to see if our children had any of the traits that a spirited child is supposed to have. I thought that between my two kids my younger one would be more spirited as he is the most vocal and active. That boy knows what he wants and will not rest until he gets it. What surprised me the most was that my older son ranked the highest on the spirited scale. It was shocking to me actually.

He does not do well in transitions, he is extremely sensitive and empathetic, he likes things just so, etc. I was wondering why I didnt notice any of this until I took this test and it occurred to me that I "over parent" him. I dont want the battle or the conflict so I head it off at the pass, I cut the crusts off his peanut butter sandwich and serve it on a green plate with a green cup....I read him 4 stories before bed, and get the water, and the snuggle, I make sure the labels are cut out of his shirts, he doesnt have to wear jeans, etc. Now I realize that the reason I don't see that "spirit" is because I have made his life easier, and he doesnt have many transitions....but is this doing him a dis-service? Should I be ignoring his quirks and making him see that it doesnt always go his way?

Am I coddling him? And what does that mean for kindergarten?