Social Media, Post Partum and My Life - An Ongoing Battle.

A few days ago I was offering advice on a Facebook group that I belong to about anxiety as a first time mom. This wasn't in any special group, another one of those mommy-clubs that are over represented on social media. This particular group is just a bunch of women who shared the same month of pregnancy; a due date club or what have you, nothing else other than the date of conception, morning sickness commiseration's, and the sharing of birth stories and milestones to keep the group a cohesive unit.

It's not that I needed to join another group of mothers, I have plenty of real life amazing girlfriends and a tribe within my own parenting circle of almost 10 years. However, for some reason I am drawn to the first time mom to help and support her. This is probably because I felt so alone and isolated when I, myself, was a first time mom.

As the story goes, I gave this mother some heartfelt advice and it was not well received. Since the invention of Facebook I have noticed new mothers are increasingly more unsure of their new life, maybe because we post statuses every couple hours and our whole lives are up for public scrutiny. I reached out to try and quell some fears that she had on illness, about this whole vaccine crisis, about how everything is risky, and we just have to live our lives well in spite of that. She disagreed vehemently with my viewpoint and it was actually some of the most hurtful words that have ever been thrown my way. This may have been from fear, insecurity or just anger - I am not sure really; but it has profoundly changed the way that I think about myself at the moment.

I have been struggling with post partum depression for a while, and I find that my viewpoint of myself is really coloured by ppd. It's hard to tell what are normal feelings and which ones are exacerbated by the illogical side effects of depression. On a regular day this would have been water off my back, but because of my ppd I have been stressing about it, over analysing and over thinking 2 paragraphs of hurtful comments that happened over a week ago.

This one chance encounter really made me look at why I participate in these online mommy groups, and why I feel that I should be giving advice to people who don't want it, didn't ask for it, and probably really don't need it from some random stranger online. I know that I go into a helping mode so that I don't have to pay attention to the insecurities and fears that I have surrounding my own abilities as a mother. That for me the internet is somewhere to hide when my depression is all encompassing and incredibly hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's somewhere that I can distract myself from the chaos that surrounds me and try and help those who look like they need support when I can't figure out how to support myself.  

This mother told me in not so many words to fuck off, that she hadn't asked for my advice. That I am self-centered and condescending. Patronising even. Pretty much the exact opposite of what I try to be in my life. 

I am not sure if I would have taken it so much to heart if I wasn't in the midst of post-partum, but her words cut so deep to the core that it is hard to get past them. The logical part of my brain tells me that this is insane to continue to feel anxiety and sadness over this as it is just one woman who I don't even know in real life. Just a random mom on the internet with a difference of opinion. Just like me.  I can't help but wonder if she lashed out because of her fears and her insecurities or if it really is a case of me putting my nose where it really shouldn't have been. (as I have been guilty of the latter before.)

All I know is that perhaps my time to help the insecure and frightened mothers online is really a losing battle. It's not for the faint of heart and truth be told I am much too sensitive. I can't take many attacks to my vulnerable spirit. The torch must be passed on and as much as I would like to think that new mothers want the advice that older more experienced mothers have - it's not really so. I remember as a first time mom how much I thought I already knew, and wasn't really open to getting any advice even though I was so desperately lonely and really needed someone to hold my hand.

It's only when you have been a mother for a while do you see value in those that came before. 

This isn't to say that I won't continue to help mothers in need of validation or support as that would go against my very nature. However, I am going to focus on the people I interact with on a real life basis and leave the Facebook couch psychology realm for some other mother/ activist
who is not so burnt out and who doesn't need the support herself. 

So as with everything, this was a wake up call to get my spirit out of the Facebook world where it can so easily get trampled and place it back into my body where it belongs. I guess I should be grateful for that. 

Crockpot Monday - Vegetarian Butternut Squash and Chickpea Coconut Curry

I love coconut curries. I tend to make a ton of them in the winter months when I want something to warm me up.

I just registered the kids in a karate class that spans two hours at dinner time and we were always rushing to eat before or after, which was causing me so much stress.  To combat this I decided that the best solution for my dinner woes was to make crockpot meals every Monday so that we are not eating at 9pm.

This one is my absolute favorite. It can be eaten on top of rice, noodles, in a bread bowl, or all by itself for those who are grain wary. It's also vegetarian (actually vegan) and it has a ton of protein and iron!

My kids love it (and love helping me make it) so it is win/win/win for me!!

Butternut Squash and Chickpea Coconut Curry
serves 8

2 1/2 cups diced butternut squash
1 1/2 cups chick peas (dried or canned)
1 small onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced

I didn't have any fresh so I used these!

1 can 13.5 ounce organic coconut milk (light or whole fat)
1 bunch of fresh spinach, rinsed and roughly chopped (or kale, or chard)
1 1/2 cups freshly shelled edamame (you can use fresh or frozen peas as well)
1-2 large tomatoes, diced
3 cups vegetable broth or water
3 tablespoons yellow curry powder
1 teaspoon salt
handful of fresh cilantro, roughly chopped (if you don't have any fresh you can use frozen as well)

Kids love to help cook!!

Take 15 mins to prep all of your veggies. Take the skin off the squash, remove seeds and cut into squares. Add them to the crockpot. Add the onion, garlic, coconut milk, edamame, diced tomatoes, vegetable broth, curry powder, salt and cilantro.

If you are using dried chickpeas, sort and rinse and add at this step. If using canned add them 30 mins before you want to serve. Add spinach (or other leafy greens) 30 mins before you are going to serve as well. 

Cook on high for 6 hours. If it seems too watery to your liking you can add a little cornstarch 15 mins before serving to thicken it up. It does thicken as it cools. 

 You can serve over brown basmati, jasmine rice, noodles, or even in a bread bowl.  Toppings can include mint, fresh cilantro, basil or some shredded coconut. (anything goes!) 

Bon Appetit!! 

Winter Babywearing

One of the downfalls of living in a cold climate is trying to navigate the world of baby wearing in minus 30... that's minus 22 for you Fahrenheit folks... Over the years I have tried many different ways to have an active lifestyle in the winter while still keeping my baby close to my heart.

The benefit of having more than one child is that I was able to test out many different things over the years. To be honest, I haven't found what I would call the "perfect fit" for myself as of yet - but I still have 2 more winters to go before my littlest won't want to be up in my arms.

If you have tried any of the following and have a review that is different than mine, or have tried something else that you just loved, share it with me, I am always on the lookout for new baby wearing solutions for winter.

First things first. What should you and the baby wear under the jackets, etc?

Of course it depends on your climate, but for the most part a t-shirt and a cardigan for you and a onsie, and an outfit for them. I usually have my babies in babylegs or tights under pants, and if it is really cold and we are going for a long walk tights, baby legs and pants. Socks and booties like padraigs or robeez. They then go in the carrier. This is if the carrier is going under the jacket. If it is going over the jacket, then dress them as you would yourself, or if they were going to go in a stroller.

After you have the baby in the carrier there are many great options out there.

MAMA JACKET

The mama jacket retails for about $300 and is a really nice looking baby wearing coat. It is great for milder winters (think of Vancouver) and can be used for both back and front carries.

What I loved : I really like the look of the jacket. It's wool and can be dressed up or down. It has a pregnancy insert which I found really helpful at 9 mos pregnant in December. It's really easy to use, the panel just zips in and the baby's head pops through the hole.

What I didn't love : It fits quite small so go up a size. I also did not find it warm enough for our prairie winters. (unless I layered). It can only accommodate front and back carriers, so no ring slings or pouches can be used. The neck area is not covered in the baby wearing insert so you need to wear a scarf or something and that can be cumbersome with a wrap as well.

I did like this jacket a lot and wore it often. It was great for the fall and spring and is really nice looking. Even getting it on and off of your back with a sleeping baby wasn't too difficult.

PEEKARU VEST

The peekaru is about $100 and is now made by Beco. I really like this option. It can be used for both front and back carries and is a nice warm fleece.

What I loved : This is really warm and perfect for when the weather is transitioning. I would wear a sweater or a hoodie under it, and my baby would be dressed up a little more - maybe one extra layer.
I would wear this either by itself or under my own winter jacket. (for warmer winter days as your coat could not zip up if you do this.) Really easy to use.

What I didn't love : It's not a jacket so your arms are exposed. That was about it though.

KOKOALA

This is a new product made in Quebec so it is made for Canadian winters. It's about $200 and fits in any zippered winter jacket.

What I loved : That it fits in my own winter jacket. I like that it is warm as well. It has two places to sinch up the fabric to stop the cold air from getting to you or the baby.

What I didn't love : That it is only good for front carries. It seems a little big for me - but my newest babe is only 2 months old, so it should be better in a year. I don't like how the neck is again uncovered. They do sell a neck warmer separately which leads me to believe this is a common complaint. Also, you have to choose what type of zipper, so if your spouse has a different zipper than you - you will have to buy two different zipper attachments.

This product was pretty warm, which is something that is really great for an add on product.

SUSE'S KINDERCOAT

The Suse's Kindercoat ($200) is the standard for the baby wearing industry. It's design is pretty flawless and has options for front, back and side carries. This is something that no other jacket provides. It also has a fleece liner so it can be used as a winter jacket or rain jacket instead.

What I loved: How warm it is. I was actually quite surprised about how much I liked this jacket. It isn't really my style - but what it lacks in style it makes up for in design. I loved how all of the hoods were in their own little pockets (including the mama's hood). The ability to wear the baby on your back and in a hip carry and still be just as warm is a huge plus. It comes with a little mesh bag to carry all of the other pieces (as they all zip on in different ways) so that you don't lose them...as long as you don't misplace the bag!

What I didn't love : I don't like the way it looks. It is bulky and not flattering at all. I feel like a frump when I wear it - but it is so comfy and warm that I just have to put up with it.

This is the best of all of them in my opinion. The warmest, most versatile, and longest lasting (for all ages of babies). While you definitely have to watch a couple youtube videos on how to wear it - once you get the hang of it you can re-join the world in the winter.


EXTRA LARGE WOWAN/ MAN'S JACKET

This just goes to show you that you can baby wear without buying any of the above products. The pic below is a sweater jacket that is wool and stretches like crazy and I just put the baby in their wrap and zip it up and go. You gotta do what is in your budget and works!! If that means not having to push a stroller through un-shovelled sidewalks - you will find a way!!

Happy Babywearing!!

Ps. There are lots of other jackets, and ponchos available - however these are the only ones that I have tried so far. I will update this list if I get to try any more.

My Last Birth Story - The birth of Audrey Jean

Well, I had been having braxton hicks pretty regular for weeks so when I woke up on the morning of the 22nd with more of them I just ignored them. I did feel like absolute crap and went to have a nap right after I woke up. I posted a depressing status about morning sickness returning and went to sleep for an hour. When I woke up it was 11am and they had still not subsided. We went to do some errands and I felt really tired. They were super consistent at 2 mins apart and 1 min in duration. So when we got home at about 12:30pm I called my midwives just to tell them that the BH were not stopping. They asked me to eat, rest and drink water and call back in an hour. 

My midwife actually decided to call me back before the hour was done and asked if they had stopped - which they had not - so she drove over (40min drive - Thank GOD it was a sunday). 

She got to my house around 4pm and we talked about what was going on and she asked if she could check me - even though it kinda inconclusive for 4th babies. I was 4 cm - and so she asked how my labours usually go - I told her they ramp up after the kids go to bed so we made a plan for her to come back around 7:30pm/8pm just to see what was going on. 

I had an hour long nap and then walked and walked around my room listening to my awesome playlist - no change - just WAY more pressure - I felt like my water would break any second....and at 7:30pm when my littlest son fell asleep it did. 

All over my bathroom floor. 

I frantically called the midwives and my doula and everyone made their way to my house. The contractions stopped for about 30 mins, and then picked up again once my doula and midwives made it. 

I just kept walking for about an hour - they were stronger but still really manageable - I was waiting for them to hurt like my last birth - but they didnt. 

At 9pm I got in the tub and stayed there until I was 8 cm. I didnt feel any contractions in the tub. It was amazing. I was irritated that it was taking so long and I was SO SO tired. I kept asking just to sleep. 

I decided that the tub wasn't making them strong enough to do anything, so I got out and was given some homeopathics and flower essence to speed them up..... I stalled completely, and when checked it was because her head wasnt on my cervix and there was too much forewater - so my midwife asked if she could break it - and I agreed. 

I still had pathetic contractions and so I did about 4 flights of stairs to try and get her head on my cervix. That worked and the contractions picked right back up. Back to 2 mins apart and 1 min long. 

I was offered the tub again, but I just wanted it done so I declined and kept walking and walking. 

The contractions started to ramp up (I am sure I was at 9cm) and I started to complain about doing it again, and feeling the panic, and not wanting to do anything but sleep. I started to have to lean on my husband and my doula used counterpressure on my back as I could no longer walk through them. 

I had about 5 contractions leaning on him, and then 2 on my hands and knees. I complained pretty loudly at this point. 

I asked my midwife if I could push and she said sure, so I climbed up on the bed and started pushing.

For some reason the contractions during pushing hurt - but if I pushed with them it didn't - which is something that I did not have happen before. 

I have to say that the push before crowning made me cry and doubt myself - but everyone was so supportive and my husband held me so tight (we were spooning) that I went by pretty quick. 

It was 10 mins of pushing and she was out.

Since we wanted a water birth - we did not protect the mattress - so it's a write off..... ;)

All in all, it was a great birth. Second best for me. No tears, no stitches and 4hrs of active labour... pretty great for the last one! 

Skip the Babyshower! Have a Mother Blessing Instead!

When I was pregnant with my first child (almost 9 years ago) I was determined to check off every item that babycentre canada said that I needed as a first time mom. My husband and i were both students so we were not as flush as we would have hoped and so we thought a good way to get baby items was to throw a babyshower. It was a good time for sure. We played all of the party games and I got a ton of swag....which I barely even used.

The part about a babyshower that no one tells you is that you probably won't be using all of the "must haves" that the baby companies say that you need. In reality, you only need clothing and diapers. Other than that, everything else is completely personal. (We didn't even use our crib!)
So when baby number 2 and 3 came around I decided to go the more non-traditional route and have a Blessing Way.

A Mother Blessing or Blessingway is a tradition that is taken from many other traditions and then melded to make a beautiful ceremony that celebrates women and motherhood.
Traditionally it is comprised of a group of women that are mothers but who are also incredibly close to the mother who is being celebrated. The guest list is very intimate and extremely exclusive. If a woman invites you to her blessing way, she feels that you alone have a very special place in her heart, and it something to feel very honoured about. (you don't just invite everyone.)

There is no right way to plan a Blessingway, as every mothers needs are different, just as every woman is different. A mother blessing for a first time mom will look very different from that of a second time mom, or a mom who has/going to have a C-birth or a VBAC. If you are hosting the Blessingway for your friend/sister it is important to know this and plan accordingly.

I thought it might be nice if I explained how my own blessing ways typically go, so that you can get a better idea and start planning one for a close girlfriend, or get someone to throw one for you!

About a month before the event send out the invitations. In the invite let everyone know what a Blessingway is and ask them to bring a bead that will be strung on the birth mother's neck while in labour so that she can remember everyone who is there to support her during her birth. Ask them to come with a couple of blessings in mind, one for the mom about her birth, one for the baby, and one for the mom about how her life will change.

Also, ask the guests to bring a potluck item for everyone to share. After the ceremony, it's always nice to nosh together and just talk.

On the day of, if the mother wanted people to place their blessings inside her belly cast, then make sure that she has already made one a couple days before. If not, and she wants to do a belly cast, this can be a fun activity to do at the Blessing so make sure you have the items available.

Once all the guests arrive and are seated in a circle, go around the circle and have each woman introduce herself by her mothers lineage. For example, My name is Alisha, daughter of Ruth, Granddaughter of Audrey, and so on. At this point each woman lights a candle. These candles are to stay lit for the whole ceremony, and at the end each woman takes hers home to re-light when the mother goes into labour. It is also nice at this point to have each mom tell a funny story about the mom-to-be, or how they met, or why they feel their friendship is valuable etc. (The whole point is to make the mom feel supported).

Next, each woman goes around the circle and places a bead on a string, explaining why they chose that particular bead, and what significance it has to them or the new mom, while doing this they also state the wish that they have for the upcoming birth. For example, "I wish for your birth to be one of complete calmness and love. To birth with openness and strength." Once the necklace is done it is placed around the mothers neck.

Next, there is a little pampering where the mother can get her feet washed, hair brushed, nails painted, henna started (henna on the belly). Sometimes a crown of flowers will be placed on her head. Just to signify how beautiful she is; inside and out. Sometimes women bring items for a pampering basket for after the baby is born.

After the pampering is done, the attendants are asked to share their hopes and dreams for the child and mother. They can also be asked to write them down, as to keep a scrapbook if the mother so wished. For example, "My wish for your child is that they are happy and healthy. My wish for you is to have patience  and understand that the early years are so fleeting. Embrace your child with all the love you feel for them now, everyday."

When all of the blessings are over, get a ball of yarn and tie a couple loops around each woman's wrist. This signifies that all the women in the circle are connected and they are asked to wear that bracelet until the baby is born, so that each time they look down at their wrist they think of the special day, the mother, the child and all of the women who were in the room. (After the baby is born everyone can cut their bracelets off - but sometimes the new mom will wear it for 6 weeks post-partum or until it falls off to remind her of the support that is still there if she needs it.)

Lastly, the candles are blown out and all of the women move to the food table. Sharing stories of motherhood, life and support. Sometimes there is a sign-up list for each woman to bring a meal to the family when the child makes an appearance.

I hope that was informative for all of you, and I hope that maybe you will throw one of these, or go to one in the future. If you have any questions or comments please leave them below.

Hello Baby - A Book Review

With my fourth baby due in a month, the boys and I have been doing a lot of preparation for the upcoming birth. My oldest son really wants to be there and especially wants to cut the cord.
I am still on the fence about him being in the room, especially during transition, but I am open to exploring the options and will probably end up deciding the day of.

Since I am having a homebirth with midwives it will be easy for him to come in and out when he sees fit. I know that my labours are typically short and boring, as I tend to go inward...but the transition is pretty intense and I don't really want to be distracted or scare him because I get a little vocal. (read - swear like a trucker).

But, I also want to honour that he would like to be there, and I think normalizing birth for children is so important for when they are older. If they see birth as a normal, natural process, they will be less likely to be influenced by he media that tries to convince us that it is a medical condition that needs "fixing".

One of my most favourite ways to prepare my kids for my birth is by reading them the story Hello Baby by Jenny Overend. Hello Baby is a wonderful story about a mom with 3 kids who is having a homebirth with a midwife. She goes about her day while her husband and children set up for the birth and upcoming arrival of their new sibling. It is through the eyes of a 4 or 5 year old boy and is so beautifully illustrated that it really shows how calm and wonderful a birth can be.

I really recommend it for anyone who wants to normalize a vaginal birth, even if you would prefer to birth in hospital. The story has many questions that the boy asks that are exactly what any child expecting a new sibling would ask, and so easy for kids to understand.

Here is a link to get it on Amazon

My Top 10 Must-Haves for New Moms

Notice that I said my top 10, because every mom is different.
After having 3 kids and getting ready for baby #4 these are all the things that I found to be valuable.

1. Post-Partum After Care Kit 
There is a reason that this is number one. Sometimes we get so focused on having the baby, we forget that there is recovery after. The recovery is different for a C-birth or a Vaginal birth, but it does have some overlap.

For a Vaginal Birth 
Frozen Pads - these are a must. If you only do one thing, do this. Take some witch hazel or calendula and mix it with water and lavender essential oil and spray it onto extra large and absorbent sanitary napkins. Freeze them open faced and then put them away folded up. Every time you use the bathroom after birth grab one of these. The relief is just amazing.
Peri Bottle - Fill with warm water and spray it on your swollen bits while and after you go pee. Takes the sting away.
Witch Hazel - When you are past the frozen pad stage a spray bottle of witch hazel, lavender and water by the toilet will be a soothing comfort as you heal from your birth.
Arnica - Homeopathic for swelling and for after pains...of course you can use Tylenol or Advil if that is more your style.
Here is a kit that is already made to buy from Earth Mama Angel Baby.

For a C-Birth 
Comfortable Undies that do not sit on your incision.
Arnica and Tylenol for pain and swelling.
Slip on shoes.
Frozen Peas, or other cooling pads.
Stool Softeners.
A hairdryer to dry the incision site after a shower.

http://www.babybuddy.com

2. A Breastfeeding Pillow 
This is a must have for both breastfeeding and bottle feeding moms alike. A nice pillow is really helpful when sitting up (when you are weak) to start establishing breastfeeding, or when you want the baby close to you when feeding from the bottle. (you are still weak). Also for moms that have had a C-birth it helps that you don't have to bend to pick up your baby as they are elevated right in front of you.

3. Lanolin
This is for the breastfeeding mothers. This is for protection of your sensitive nipples. Apply after every feed.

4. GlamourMom Nursing Tanks

http://www.glamourmom.com

Again for the nursing mothers. I practically live in my glamourmoms all pregnancy and motherhood. I found that bras were constrictive and caused me blocked ducts, and so the glamourmoms provide just enough support - but can be really used and withstand all the spit up and abuse.

5. Bouncer
I really liked the bouncer for using when I was in the shower. Some women like to use the bumbo but bumbos are really not for newborns and my kids would star-fish out so bringing it in the shower is not something I feel comfortable with. Having the bouncer right outside the shower door was a nice compromise.

6. Stretchy Wrap or a Ring Sling 

Me 3 days after having my 3rd son.

I found that I didn't need these as much for my first child, but for my second and third there was not a day that went by that the baby wasn't in a carrier. A carrier allows you to eat with both hands and is so helpful in the bathroom...which is pretty much all you do for the first 4 weeks. Babies love to hear their mothers heartbeat so keeping them close allows them to sleep better and be comforted by you.

So cute!! 

7. Baby Nighties 

These are sometimes hard to find but worth it. When the baby is so new all those teeny snaps make for longer diaper changes that can potentially wake the baby up from their deep sleep. Using a baby nightie means quicker and easier diaper changes! I think that speaks for itself!

8. Freezer Full of Meals
There are two ways to get a freezer full of meals. Either you make them all ahead yourself while nesting...or have a babyshower or blessingway where everyone signs up to bring you one. Seriously, not having to think about dinner or snacks when you have a new baby at home is bliss. Just bliss.

9. A Tribe
Finding other parents that are of similar mindset to you is paramount. This is especially true once everyone goes back to their regular life and you are left at home with a newborn all by yourself. PPD is a real epidemic in our society and so finding people that you can relate to, bounce ideas off of, go to the park or a walk with is pretty important. The internet is a great start to find these people - but an "in real life" tribe is even better.

10. A Post Partum Doula/ Lactation Consultant/ Post Partum Support Group.
Professionals are always good to have in your back pocket. They can help us in places that our family, friends and/or tribe can't. They can see where we really need help, and if we are struggling. They can help us get back on our feet. I find them really invaluable!!

So, there you have it, my top 10 for new moms! Did I miss anything?? Leave suggestions in comments.

Crying It Out....Again (RANT)

My cousin recently posted on her FB status that she was having a hard time putting her littlest one to sleep. He is just under a year old. Somehow, this opened her up for complete unsolicited advice from all of her "friends".

What skeeves me the most is that people get so passionate about this subject so you can't just say, "I didn't CIO, and my kids sleep great", you get to be attacked for your choice...passive agressively.

Don't Coddle, it's proven children have to "self-soothe"....ummm, really? Prove it. Because I can actually prove the opposite, here, here and here. Oh, and here.

Not to mention that I was a psych major in University and so "attachment theory" was a whole semseter class.

Oh, but "coddling" them will make them more dependent.

No. It doesn't. And I have a 3 year old who can tell you that for sure.

Dependence LEADS to Independence.

Once a child is sure of thier environment and *trusts* the people around them, they will venture out. If they don't.. (or think that you are going to abandon them) then they are much more "clingy."

And can we seriously stop with this "independent" "dependent" "clingy" "coddled" language?

Why DON'T you want your child dependent on you? Would you rather they be "dependent" on a friend? a peer? a stranger? How about a molester?

If you don't nurture your children, some one else will take the opportunity to.

So be HAPPY that they *want* to be with you, to share with you, to be comforted by you, to NEED you.

Just drives me insane.

If you want your child to "self-soothe" and be "independent" at 1 year old, then maybe you should have not "coddled" them as a newborn. Newborns don't need to be "coddled" do they? Maybe you should start the way you want to finish....or maybe you should get a dog.

Sleep Training.

My advice to a mom of a 8 month old that wakes up every two hours and is at the end of her rope..

The thing is that some babies can be "trained" by No-Cry, or Shush-Pat, or whatever...but some just can't. You either get a good sleeper or you don't. What is more important is for you to get some coping techniques.

My eldest STILL doesnt sleep though the night and he is 5. (he stopped napping at 15mos as well.)

I would suggest going to bed with him so that you get *some* sleep before that first wake up, and if you leave the lights off he may just dream feed and go back to sleep. I know, it sucks! But when we choose to parent the way that we do, alone/adult time becomes part of the sacrifice.

I also found that the *more* I stressed about sleep the *less* my kids will sleep. It's almost murphys law. If I took a couple days and said, I will just go with it, my kids would not *feel* me trying to pull away and they would become more secure and then let me have more freedom.

Does that make sense?

Our kids can feel when we want space, and feel resentment, and they get scared and insecure so they *latch on* (pun intended) even more.

Differences

When my first was just a little baby I would get so caught up in the *shoulds* of life. He *should* be eating this much, pooping this much, crying that much etc. I would get such anxiety if he wasnt meeting these arbitrary milestones. Who exactly created these milestones? Who was I putting him up against? I constantly went on all sorts of message boards to try and measure him up against someone. I had NO confidence.

Why? It's not like I didn't understand babies. I have 3 younger siblings. Not only that but I babysat and nannied all through my youth. So you would think that I would have known and understood that babies are all made differently and there are NO *shoulds*.

I look back at his little life and think of all the times that I got so frustrated about when he should sleep. I would try to put him down at 7pm, (because I wanted to watch survivor) I thought that he should be asleep so that I could have my "adult time".

It's laughable. I shake my head.

As I type this it's 11pm and my littlest (8 weeks) is lying here sleeping on the couch beside me. I watched the whole season finale of Glee with no problem, nursing and patting him down while enjoying my program.

No *shoulds*. I don't expect anything from him. Ever. I just take him one day at a time.

This comes with experience, confidence and age. I know that times will be tough and then they wont.

I just accept that he is a baby and babies are unpredictable at the best of times and just roll with it.

Now, if only I could use the same techniques with the oldest...........

The Birth Story - Part Four

With my previous deliveries the pushing part was the best part. No pain. So when my midwife told me that I was fully dilated I was excited to start pushing. I had gotten out of the tub because I didn't really feel like I had the leverage that I needed to effectively push out the baby, and in hindsight I had probably decided to go on the bed as that is what I was used to. (muscle memory).

Pushing wasn't painless this time, however, and that really surprised me.

With every push I could still feel my lower back spasm, and so instead of letting go completely between each push, I held it and kept the tension until the next.

I pushed hard and could feel movement. My midwives commented on how I had my bag of waters bulging before the baby's head. Suddenly with a loud *pop* the waters exploded and hit my head midwife full in the face! I could hear the others joking about having a shower and how much water had come away. I kept my focus however, thinking about my walls and carpet, and continued to push.

The next push and I was crowning, the next came his head. Shoulders with the next push and he appeared at 9:52pm, after 4 or 5 pushes.

The relief that I experienced once he came out was immense. I had never felt anything like it and my back stopped hurting immediately.

I held him close and kissed his little head. We hung out for 30 mins waiting for the placenta and he started showing signs of wanting to nurse.

I wanted to see if he could self latch, as in the breast crawl video, and was delighted when he did.

My placenta was birthed shortly after and we skyped with my husbands mother as she was in the U.S. and unable to attend. (my mother and sister were present).

After everyone had gone home my sister sent me a copy of my birth story from her perspective, and it is the most powerful thing I have ever read. She talks about how inspiring it was for her, and how she wants to birth naturally. She talks about the power of the female body and how birth is a process and not a medical procedure.

So while I felt that this birth was my toughest, my little sister put it all in perspective for me.

Pain with Purpose; with a wonderful gift at the end.

The Birth Story - Part Three

I had gone to the Birth Breastfeeding and Bonding conference and had met Barbara Harper while pregnant with E. I had heard of the benefits of labouring in water since my first pregnancy, and had used the water with K until my water had broken. I had read all about water birth and all of the positives that came associated with it, "natures epidural" and the like. I was still pleasantly surprised when I got into the water and my contractions seemed to disappear.

I was worried that the contractions would stop all together and then I would have to get out of the tub. I sat pensively and waited for the next contraction to come. When it did it was still intense but bearable. I was so happy that I had this relief, as the contractions out of the water were the most painful of all my births.

Its not that I have had orgasmic births or anything, just that with both K and R the really intense contractions were at the end, and I had very few of them before pushing. I wasn't prepared to experience those types of contractions from the middle of labour on. These particular contractions were much different than that of my other births. They started in my sacrum and flowed into my uterus, down my thighs and into my calves. I could not walk through any of them, and if this had been a first birth I can honestly say that I would have probably asked to be transported to the hospital for some pain relief.

I had absolutely no idea how to cope and was saved by the water. If I had not had the water I am honestly not sure what I would have done.

I rocked through each contraction on my knees in the warm pool. My midwives, knowing my wish for a peaceful and less chaotic birth than that of my first and second, spent the majority of the time chatting with eachother at the kitchen table. Every 15 mins or so they would come up to check to see how I was coping, do a fetal assessment and then leave.

After about an hour of being in the water my contractions ramped up and they started feeling like they had when I was out of the water. I was so happy that my husband was there as he sat vigilantly by the pool side (he refused to get in :P ) holding my hand. I was having a really hard time trying to cope and so I grabbed my husbands hand and squeezed with all of my might. I could tell that it hurt him as well.

As the contractions increased I tried as best as I could to breathe through each one, finding it more difficult as they started to come one on top of eachother. I kept thinking that if they were to continue with such ferocity that I would not be able to cope at all. I remembered reading that one has to open and let go to make labour less painful so I kept repeating "open, open, open, open" through each one, hoping that they would give me some reprieve.

As the last couple went through my body I told my midwives (who had all appeared at the same time) that I did not think that I could do it anymore. My midwives and my husband reassured me that it was almost over.

I kept looking at the bed, thinking that it would help if I just got on it. I desperately wanted to be checked again just so I could know how much longer I would have to endure. I got out of the tub and had the most powerful contraction that I had ever had. I tried to breathe through it, and when it was over I quickly got on may back and demanded to be checked by my midwives.

She quickly checked me and told me that I was fully dilated and that there was just a little lip of a cervix left and if I wanted to push through it, or if I wanted her to move it for me. I told her to move it, and asked if I could start pushing. She laughed and said, whenever you feel like it.

The Birth Story - Part Two

My labour started as the previous ones did. Braxton Hicks for days on end. I felt like I was constantly in a start, stop cycle of labour. It started 3 weeks before I actually went into labour. I had a wonderful Blessingway and three days later I had a period of strong Braxton Hicks that lasted 3 full days. I thought that these contractions that were consistently 7 mins apart were the real deal; unfortunately they were not.

My husband was set to go back to work on the monday and so on Saturday I started to panic that he may not be home to witness and support me during the birth. I had tried everything that I felt comfortable doing to bring on labour and was feeling very disheartened that it wasn't happening. I went for a massage and hoped that it would start on the Sunday. By Sunday I was having inconsistent contractions and we decided that we would just go for a really long walk. I had written a blog post about how frustrated I was and decided just to let go of all expectations. We walked for an hour and I got a Chai Latte and we headed for home.

Once I got home my contractions were staying at 2 mins apart. They seemed pretty legitimate but I was worried that it was false labour so I didn't let anyone except my mom, my cousin and my good friend L in the loop.

I called my midwives, just because I thought that they could just check me and let me know if anything was happening. We decided that I would call back in an hour to re-assess.

I kept walking around and around and around my island just to make sure that the contractions continued as I really wanted my husband to be home. I plugged in my ipod and downloaded a contraction app just so I could keep an eye on them.

Another hour and a half went by and my contractions kept on coming, not only that but they were getting stronger and stronger.

I was excited and started thinking that it was the real thing.

I called my midwives again and the midwife said that she would be over in 30 mins. I couldnt wait, and hoped that the contractions kept coming.

When she arrived she brought in all of her supplies and I worried that we would have to help her load them all back into her car if I was actually experiencing false labour.

She asked me if I had gotten the tub ready and I told her that I had. I took her up to my room and the other midwife arrived.

We did my blood pressure and a fetal heart tone, and then she asked me if I wanted to be checked. I agreed.

I was 5cm and she said that I had lost my plug and that there was a lot of show. She told me that yes, I was in labour and that she expected me to have the baby in 6 hrs at the latest.

I called my mom to come and watch my other kids and went about getting the tub filled and finishing my laundry. The midwives joked about how they thought that it was funny that I was in active labour while folding laundry, I commented that you could not do laundry with one hand.

My mom came over and we had supper, we put the boys in a bath and then put the boys to bed.

An hour after the boys went to bed I started having contractions that were an 8/10 on the pain scale. I then asked to be checked again (now at a 7) and went into the tub.

The Birth Story - Part One

When you become pregnant the first time you know that at some point you will have to give birth. You really have no idea what to expect, and have nothing to reference it to. You are basically blind to the experience, with some theoretical knowledge but not much else. Even if you take birthing classes you have ideas of how to cope with pain, but you really don't *know* what is coming.

For your second birth you have some idea of how the birth will go, generally. This is unless your first birth had complications and you hope to have a different experience. If you had an uncomplicated birth then you have an idea of what it will feel like and how it will go.

After having two, it seems like your birth will be old hat. Its not that you don't look forward to it, but you know what is coming.

Both of my previous births followed the same formula. Contractions for 7 - 10 hrs, active labour for 1-2 hrs of hard contractions followed by pushing. Pushing for me was the best part, no pain just progress.

So, following all that I thought that I knew what was coming. I was ready for birth, I wanted to meet my baby, I had prepared myself. All I had to do was wait...which was difficult for me.

So imagine my surprise when this labour and delivery was nothing like I had expected...

Trying to let go.

I had hoped that I would have a new baby now, but it seems my girlfriend S is going to be right. (She always goes over her dates, and so thought that I was crazy to think I would go any earlier.) I just had the 10th in my mind for the last 9 months, so I am a little disappointed that he didn't come yesterday...and what is worse, it just seems like everything has slowed right down. I mean, yes, I still am having contractions all the time, but nothing regular. It makes me really tired. I have been sleeping a tonne. 2 hr naps and going to bed at 9pm.

I keep thinking of R's birth and thinking how I had to let go in order for him to come. I am trying to think of all the things that I need to get ready or to let go so that this little one can come. I keep coming up with dead-ends. I really feel like I am ready.

Well, as ready as one can be to go into labour. It's not like I *want* to go into labour...who really does? It's hard work, and as quick as it can be done, it's still like a massive workout. I sometimes think that my other two are holding me back as well. Like they need to be taken care of before I go into labour, but they have been sleeping pretty well for the last couple days so I am not sure what is up with that either.

All this wouldnt matter if I didnt have until tomorrow to figure it out. If I wasnt on a deadline this baby would have shot out 3 days ago...but no, it will just wait until the husband is on the plane.

Frustration and Too Much Information.

My husband now works shift work, but the kind of shift work that takes him away for days on end....

I made the mistake of getting checked by my midwives at my last appointment, my husband is only home for 5 days and I wanted to see if I was at least starting labour. They checked me and the diagnosis was awesome. 3 cm dilated, fully effaced and engaged and a paper thin cervix. My midwife was convinced that it would be no more than 2 weeks. I was hopeful that it meant that my husband would not miss the birth.

So began a waiting game that is making me insane.

It's not like nothing is happening, I get contractions...every 7, 10, 5 or 2 mins apart, for days. I have other changes that I have noticed as well, I have a back ache, leg cramps, and am incredibly grumpy. (of course that could just be the fact that I have a cold at this time as well).

A couple nights ago I had contractions so strong that they caused me to have a cold sweat. Now, that is intense.

The issue I am having now is that he goes back in 3 days and we have to book the flight, I feel like I am on this horrible timeline and there is nothing I can do.

Now, dont get me wrong, I am a huge proponent of natural birth and do not want to force my body into doing anything that it isnt ready to do, but my biggest fear is that he will get on the plane and at that exact moment I go into labour.

It's just frustrating, that's all I am saying.

Come on Baby, gimme a sign.

Toddler Property Laws

I came across this today and laughed as I thought of my two year old.

Toddler Property Laws

If I like it, it's mine.

If it's in my hand, it's mine.

If I can take it away from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

If we are building something together, all of the pieces are mine.

If it looks like mine, it's mine.

If I think it's mine, it's mine.

If I give it to you, and change my mind later, it's mine.

If it's broken, it's yours!

~ Author Unknown.

We are definitely going through the "mine" stage right now as he is well aware that a baby is coming any day now. It's hard not to laugh at just how serious he gets when it comes to what is his and what isn't.

This kid is in for a wake-up call I think.... ;P

A Completely Superficial Post

This post is just for me to compare all of the wraps that I am interested in for this new baby. :)

I have always defaulted to "boy" colours and my wraps are all very dark and subdued. I want a little more vibrance. :)

The one on the left is the Girasol Rainbow.

I like it because it has a lot of bright colours. The only downside is that I think my best friend owns this one, and I dont want to buy the same wrap as her. Another good friend of mine said that perhaps I should get the night Rainbow, but honestly, it looks dirty to me....

This one on the right is the Girasol Night Rainbow.

I am a fan of the Girasol's weave, it is lighter than a Didymos, but heavier than a Ellaroo. There is a Girasol that I seem to be drawn to, so maybe I will try and get one of these...

This is called the Girasol Symphuo (above). I really like the vibrance of the colours and the brown strips seem to pop right off the fabric. I think this one *may* be my favorite so far. I would actually sell two of mine to get one of these. (A ring sling, and a Ellaroo.)

There is also this one on the left, which is just named #26 which is kinda funny. It reminds me of the Rainbow, but I would like to see the two of them side by side to truly see what the difference is... (in real life.) I think that the Rainbow is block colours and this one is more striped.

So next to the Neobulles, which I am unsure of because I have never felt one to know what the weave would feel like. The colours are really vibrant, and my girlfriend *may* be bringing them into her store....

Both of them seem to be pretty much the same. The one on the left is a softer looking wrap, colour-wise, with pink and turquoise as the main colours. The one on the right has much more red to it.

So dear friends, which one do you like better? Please leave your comments and help me to choose a new wrap for this little one. :)

Dr.Jack aka The Man

Thank god for Dr.Jack Newman. I emailed him after I had my meltdown yesterday. He replied as only Dr.Jack can and assured me that I could nurse and that the radiation treatment was not even an option if you had a little one.

So, radiation is off the list for the time being.

He also recommended some different medications and told me to ask my doctor about them. I was so relived to hear that women can successfully nurse with Graves. Not that I actually doubted it because I have been having symptoms for quite a while. Like read: years.

I was also concerned about passing it on to the new baby as a couple of people had told me that this might be the case. He assured me that it could not cross in milk but may cross through the placenta and to let my midwives know in case the baby needed treatment in the first 3 months.

If I have any extra money laying around this year I am going to donate it to his clinic, as he alone is one of the best resources for breastfeeding in the whole of Canada.

(I would urge you to do the same. :) )

Tips for having a Newborn and a 3 year old....

I think there is absolutely an adjustment period between one and two,
and some people just cope better than others...it's all about how you
handle stress.
I found that the newborn stage for Ryan was a breeze. I just put him
in the wrap all the time. He just slept in the wrap from day one, so
really it was just like I was still pregnant.
At 6 months however, was when it got really tough for me. Ryan and
Keenan demanded an equal amount of my time and there is only so much
of you that can go around...not to mention that once both kids were
occupied/sleeping Chris would want some one on one. It got really
draining, really fast. So I started taking time for myself. I do yoga
while the kids play beside me, I put Keenan in preschool so I have 4
hours a week with just Ryan. Quiet time when Ryan naps is a must.
(still working in this one). I joined a Babysitting Coop and can use
that when I really need to get out.
I have also pared back my extracurricular/work. I do not work all day
everyday as I was before, I do not work on Tuesdays and Thursdays when
Keenan is home, and we try to get out of the house as a family on
Fridays. Chris and I have also agreed to one night a week where we do
something separate, if that means a movie or a meeting for me, and
jamming for him, that is how it works...we try not to take more than
one day away alone, or we start to resent eachother.
TV is my savior for when Ryan is being put down. Keenan can watch the
Wiggles and I can nurse Ryan down with no interruptions.
You have to do what you can to make YOUR life easier for YOU.
Lastly, I have a couple books on activities to do with kids and try to
pick one a day to do with Keenan. For example, we had a "Backwards
Day" so we started with a bath and then got dressed (clothes on
backwards) and had leftover dinner for breakfast, a BIG lunch, and
pancakes for dinner...kids love it when you get involved so play with
them. :)
If you feel like you can't cope take deep breaths and walk away...and
call a friend who understands...many women on my parenting board have had me
call them when I am in crisis...and it means SO much!!!
Good Luck!
Alisha
mama to keenan and ryan