*Vlog* - Freaked Out

When my husband works out of town I have a tendency to stay up way too late after the kids go to bed. It could be because I need that time to recharge, because I miss him, because I like the silence…or just because I am completely addicted to social media. Of course, late nights and sleep deprivation are not always a good combo.
  Have you ever had a similar experience?

Paying for it

My littest is a pretty good sleeper. I havent had much trouble with him in his whole 20 full months of life. However, since we have been on break since the second week of December I have let him sleep whenever he wants to. Sleep in, have a nap at 4pm, go to sleep at midnight, and so on and so on…

Well now, I am trying to get the schedule back, and boy is it ever hard. He is just not tired. Yesterday he woke up at 7am, I put him down for a really early nap at 11am, he was up by 1pm. He was tired again by 7pm.

I thought YEA! It's working!!

Yea, no.

He woke up at 8:30, and then again at 9:30pm and was awake…like WIDE awake until 2am.

So yes, he slept in - we ALL did.

This morning he was up at 9am. I skipped the nap because I wanted to force him to go to bed earlier…. and so he was miserable from 5-6:30pm.

I put him down at 6:30pm, and guess what? Up at 7pm, and up again at 8pm…..and now what? It's 10:37pm and he is WIDE awake….

Sigh.

Did I ever mess this one up!!

Sleep Training.

My advice to a mom of a 8 month old that wakes up every two hours and is at the end of her rope..

The thing is that some babies can be "trained" by No-Cry, or Shush-Pat, or whatever...but some just can't. You either get a good sleeper or you don't. What is more important is for you to get some coping techniques.

My eldest STILL doesnt sleep though the night and he is 5. (he stopped napping at 15mos as well.)

I would suggest going to bed with him so that you get *some* sleep before that first wake up, and if you leave the lights off he may just dream feed and go back to sleep. I know, it sucks! But when we choose to parent the way that we do, alone/adult time becomes part of the sacrifice.

I also found that the *more* I stressed about sleep the *less* my kids will sleep. It's almost murphys law. If I took a couple days and said, I will just go with it, my kids would not *feel* me trying to pull away and they would become more secure and then let me have more freedom.

Does that make sense?

Our kids can feel when we want space, and feel resentment, and they get scared and insecure so they *latch on* (pun intended) even more.

Differences

When my first was just a little baby I would get so caught up in the *shoulds* of life. He *should* be eating this much, pooping this much, crying that much etc. I would get such anxiety if he wasnt meeting these arbitrary milestones. Who exactly created these milestones? Who was I putting him up against? I constantly went on all sorts of message boards to try and measure him up against someone. I had NO confidence.

Why? It's not like I didn't understand babies. I have 3 younger siblings. Not only that but I babysat and nannied all through my youth. So you would think that I would have known and understood that babies are all made differently and there are NO *shoulds*.

I look back at his little life and think of all the times that I got so frustrated about when he should sleep. I would try to put him down at 7pm, (because I wanted to watch survivor) I thought that he should be asleep so that I could have my "adult time".

It's laughable. I shake my head.

As I type this it's 11pm and my littlest (8 weeks) is lying here sleeping on the couch beside me. I watched the whole season finale of Glee with no problem, nursing and patting him down while enjoying my program.

No *shoulds*. I don't expect anything from him. Ever. I just take him one day at a time.

This comes with experience, confidence and age. I know that times will be tough and then they wont.

I just accept that he is a baby and babies are unpredictable at the best of times and just roll with it.

Now, if only I could use the same techniques with the oldest...........

It's the little things.

I have been thinking a lot lately about others and the way that they choose to parent their children. When I was a new mom I was extremely passionate about how to parent, I saw a right way and a wrong way. I can admit it, I was pretty judgmental. I can say that now, and apologize to those who I probably insulted along the way. I can still get judgmental, when I see something that crosses the line towards neglect or harming a child, but for the most part I could really care less what others do with their kids.

So why the long disclaimer? I am going to post about how I put my kids to bed and why I do it.

Some would argue that one needs "mommy time" and that time starts once the kids are in bed preferably by 7pm. I don't work like that. I am on call 24/7. All the time. Am I tired? Hell yes. Do I get grumpy sometimes? Yes. Do I complain about it to my friends...yes, I am human after all. But for the most part, I cherish these moments that make me the most crazy.

I read my kids 6 stories. 2 for the little one and 4 for the big one. I answer all of the questions that are asked. I go to the potty again and again just to make sure that they are really ready for sleep. I get the teddy, and the baby and tuck them in as well. I then lay down and snuggle them. Each kid gets as much time as he needs.

Does this cut into the "mom time"? Yes. "Is it irritating some days when I have other things on my mind?" Yes. "Would I change it?" NO.

I love to snuggle them. I feel like I get to connect in these moments. My little one drifts off to sleep with no tears, patting my face and kissing me. I soak every moment up. How many times will he do this? Not many. Boys start to pull away by 7years.

The older one and I talk about his day, what bugged him, what made him happy, sad...what he wants to do the next day, etc. He loves to kiss my belly and say goodnight to the baby. I look at him and realize how big he is already, and how fast they grow.

I had my kids because I wanted to share my life, and experience life through the eyes of a child. I wanted to experience unconditional love.

Every moment I spend putting my kids down, I try to burn it into my brain for when they are older.

Life is so precious and so fleeting, I try to live my life with no regrets, and having my kids go to sleep, with no tears and snuggling their mom just makes ME feel better.

So back to the disclaimer. That is why I co-sleep sometimes, why I nurse until 2, and why I don't let my kids Cry It Out....because it feed *my* soul too.

In Search of Sleep.

We don't sleep very well in this family. I can't actually remember the last time one of us got a full eight hours of sleep. I think you just get used to it after a while. Well I do anyway. If I am not waking up myself to pee, then I am getting up to soothe a nightmare, or pat a child back to sleep. I find it really funny that when you are pregnant the first time people tell you, "oh, get sleep when you can"...or after the baby is born they then say "Sleep when the baby sleeps." like it is easy or something.

I just think as parents we just get used to sleep depravation.

Then there is the sleep trainers. They lead parents to believe that babies are supposed to sleep a minimum of 8hrs a day and that just is not true for all babies. Each child is really different and while some are just born good sleepers, others are not.

I think it has more to do with the parent's temperament really. What I mean is that some people are light sleepers and some are not. I know for myself and my husband nighttime is so different for us. My husband wakes up so fast, even for the slightest noise. I, on the other hand can sleep through a 4 year old climbing in my bed, and a two year old trying to twiddle, and a baby nursing through the night. So sleep comes easy for me...and not even that, but I seem to be able to live on much less sleep.

So when people rely on baby trainers I really just think that perhaps they need more sleep than some other person. Some times I think that it's needed, if used in the right way (like not neglecting your child, and checking on them periodically). Is a mother who beats her child, or yells, or whatever because her sleep deprivation is leading to depression, or severe mood swings worse or better than a sleep trainer?

What do you think??

Sleep...or Lack Thereof

I seem to be in a sort of time warp when it comes to sleep and my children. Here I am at 11:02pm and my children are finally asleep.
Usually this wouldn't bother me, but lately it is. A lot.
The thing is that I really really need to study. I have a couple classes that are winding down in the next month and I really have to spend some time to finish them, and if my kids are not sleeping until 11pm then when am I supposed to do this work?
What ends up happening is that as soon as they are both sleeping I spend an hour "de-stressing" from the day....either cleaning a little, eating, going on the computer etc. Maybe doing some actual work...and then I start studying and then I go to bed at 1 or 2am. This would be okay if I wasn't woken up at 7am.
I feel like a zombie. I dont feel like I am actually doing well in my classes if I cant do any work at a reasonable hour.
I could just shut the door at 7pm and listen to them scream, but I dont because I have made this commitment to myself and to them that I will be there for them when they need me, especially in the arena of sleep, but boy is it tempting.
I have so much stuff to do in the evening and can never do it.
I guess what I really have to do is bite the bullet and wake up earlier and then wake them up earlier, and perhaps skip the nap until they are on a good schedule.
I would love it if they could both be asleep by 8pm.
Then maybe I could get to sleep myself at a decent hour.

Melts my Heart

Here is a nice story for you all.

Today was a difficult day for me, as Keenan was up really early (for
me) and it was a long day. (no nap)

It seemed as the day got later and later he was just pushing all my
buttons (except I really shouldn't have been doing laundry when he is
awake)...

So I finally get him to go down at 10:15pm, and was getting annoyed
with him that he would not stay laying down, that he would just keep
talking, and singing.

I kept telling him, "head on your pillow Keenan. It is bedtime,
goodnight Keenan." I was feeling really exasperated. (and SUPER hungry).

Keenan then proceeded to put his head on my chest and said "mommy best
friend"

I said, "mommy is your best friend?"

He said, "uh huh. mommy best friend."

My heart melted. I said "you are my best friend too." I then didnt
care how long it took him to fall asleep, as I was content just to
hold my little guy for as long as he needed.

I love when they give you a reality check.

He is growing up.

Keenan has been nursed for just about 2 years, we are in the process
of weaning and are down to 3 times a day. When he wakes up, for a nap
(if he has one), and before bed.

Now that we nurse in another room and then go to bed, kiss him
goodnight and then say "nite nite Keenan, I love you" he then lies
down and goes to sleep.

Tonight was the same. After I said "Nite, nite Keenan, I love you" I
told him that it was bed time and pretended to sleep.

He played for a couple minutes and said "mom" a couple times. He then
said "shhhh. mommy seep-in" he then took his bear and said "ni ni
bear" "kiss" , and then his moose "ni ni moose" , then "monkey
seep-in". After he put all his stuffies in the order he wanted in our
bed he then said/sang "tinkle tinkle star" he layed down and went to
sleep.

At 22months my baby has left and a little boy has emerged. I am so
happy, because the transition was so smooth, (because of my parenting
style I believe), but at the same time I am so sad, because my baby is
growing up!

Now, don't get me wrong I am not sad that he is growing up, because
the alternative is unthinkable, but I am melancholic. I guess I will
just have to try harder to have another "baby".

Lullabye

I just thought of this while putting Keenan down, maybe we could use something like it…just a thought.

Sung to the tune of Rock a Bye Baby

Rock a Bye Baby

In Mommy’s arms.

Mama will Keep you safe from all harm.

Mama will stay and watch over you,

Until you are sleeping

Mommy loves you!

Or

Rock a Bye Baby

Snug in my bed,

When you get tired,

Lay down your head.

Mama won’t leave you,

So fall asleep,

Mama will be here,

Let’s all go to sleep.

Business

I started a Parent Education company and it launches on Saturday at the Natural Family Fair. I am so excited and scared $h!tless as well. I have so much to do and hardly any time to do it.
You should see the state of my house. Chris is at work (again) and it has all gone to h#ll in a handbasket. I am going to have to work my @$$ off before he gets back so that he doesnt complain about how I sit on my butt all day.
Which I really didnt do this time, as I have been super busy. But I dont think that my family realizes how serious I am about this business and how I really want it to take off.
I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions.
Finishing my practicum, doing business stuff, doing fair stuff, watching Keenan, cleaning house, going to the doctor for health concerns (lost 20lbs in 1month), and I am in two courses for general education. (homeopathic for kids and fertility awareness).
Needless to say my plate is overflowing. And I am up until 1am everynight finishing things and doing things on the computer that I wanted to do all day but couldnt because Keenan wants to play kneebouncers.com
And then I am up at least once to nurse and he is up for the day by 6:30 am. (Did I mention he doesnt go to sleep til 10pm?!? DAMN Daylight Savings)
I find that once you finally get them on a schedule, something happens and it all goes to $#!T!!!
(Can I swear enough on this post?)

First Day with G

Keenan's new girlfriend came today for the first full day of me watching her. It actually went really well. I was suprised. I thought that they would both be crying for the whole day.
Granted I am tired. Watching two kids under two is the hardest job I have ever had.
It went well though, really. G came in the morning, we had breaky. Then we had a meltdown, to the park we went.
I don't know what it is, but something about getting out of the house makes kids more manegable. Also it keeps your sanity. G almost feel asleep in the swing at the park so we came back home, much to K's dismay. Picture him crying pitifully, "vrooom, vroooom" I have no idea what car he is talking about, but apparently we were not going any where near it.
I brought the swing out of storage and put G in it. She fell asleep almost immideatley. No crying. Then K started rubbing his eyes. They both slept for over an hour.
The only issue I have with that is now it is almost 5 and K is wired. And he would regularly be napping, so no "me" time today, which sucks because I have been "on call" for almost 12hrs. K woke up super early today.
Otherwise the day was uneventful. It reallyu went well, and it will only get better as the two of them get used to eachother.

Expectaions and Shae

One of my best girlfriends is visiting form Nelson with her daughter Shae. We all went to the zoo. Just before we got there Shae got sick in the car. Oh what fun I get to look forward to. I felt sorry for her as she was so upset about it. No big deal to me...except my car stinks. Isn't that wahat Fabreez is for? (Any natural cleaners that do the same thing?)
She had never been to a zoo so it was great fun for her. We then came home to put Keenan down for his nap, and we went to the park. I pushed her on the swing (underduck) and she went flying off!! I felt soooo unbelievably bad. I am definately NOT a good pusher. (I forgot how little she is ...now I am swing shy.) They are here for a couple more days so hopefully I get to see them some more.
And how is Keenan?
For the last TWO nights Keenan has NOT nursed to sleep!!!!! (His
choice entirely). I lie there patiently waiting for him to latch on,
and he doesn't. Is this the milestone that he was working on?
As for bedtime (reading "no cry") , Ms. Pantly says
make sure that you are trying to fix a problem. After reading the
book, he really has no problems, it is my expectaions that are the
problem.
So now, I wait until he is really tired (happens to be 9:30pm and I
turn off the lights, he plays or talks, sings whatever and then he
passes out...in 30-45mins.

Sleep Please

So this morning I lost it. Last night was hellish getting Keenan to go to bed. I had so many other things that could have been getting done, but instead I was there nursing, nursing , nursing for over an hour. It wouldn't have been so bad if Chris wasn't passed out next to me.
He has sleep apnea, and doesnt get a whole lot of sleep because of his job, and I respect that. So I let him sleep. Whenever. But recently, with the whole Keenan sleeping issues I am starting to resent Chris for having the ability to sleep, whenever, where ever. It makes me so mad when I hear him snoring and I am up for yet another hour tending to his son.
So this morning I lost it. I had a heck of a time falling asleep last night. Since my schedule is so messed up from weeks of random sleep. I think I finally fell asleep around 1 - 1 :30am, and there was Keenan waking up to nurse at 6am, for a whole hour. Needless to say, he woke me up. So by 7:10am I was just fuming. That I hadn't gotten any sleep, that my hubby was sleeping through this, and that it was 7am and I was awake.
So I got out of bed and let Chris deal with it. Keenan cried and cried. I feel so guilty. But at the same time I feel like if something doesnt change I am going to be a very mean person.
Does this constitute Crying-it-out? Some people may say yes, and I think it is to an extent. But I also think that all the attachment parenting I have done up to this point will be devalued if I continue to feel resentment towards my son and hubby.
All I am asking for is a break. Maybe one night of uninterupted sleep? Or to be able to sleep in once a month? I don't think that it is too much to ask for Chris to put Keenan down once in a while. We are both his parents, we should have to share the easy stuff and the hard stuff, and maybe that way we will all get some sleep.

The Crib

"Well, How did it go" you may ask.
After almost a week of sidecaring the crib, I have to say "not too bad."
The first night I was a total wreak, I kept thinking, is he breathing? I can't even fathom what the mother's that let thier children "cry-it-out" are thinking/feeling. I don't even try to understand it.
Keenan now sleeps the first half of the night in his crib and the rest in my arms. It works great as we don't disturb him when we go to bed, and I can fall asleep without the little body kicking me, and then when I am super tired he comes in next to us and we all sleep peacefully.
Mind you he is nursing like crazy, that damn tooth just won't come through. But I know it's because of his poor teeth and he will soon be back on some resemblance of a schedule before his new girlfriend comes to stay with us for two days a week..we will call her G for privacy sake.
Since he is now in his crib we are moving the office into the Crib's old room and moving the change table into the old office. That way when I am working on the computer Keenan has more of a playroom to play in.
What is the point of having "keenan's room" if he never sleeps in it???
I honestly don't see him moving out of our room until the new baby comes, whenever that will be. (soon I hope)

Big Boy

*sigh*
The last couple nights have been really hard. I totally jinxed myself by telling people that Keenan is a good sleeper. He WAS a good sleeper. The last 4 nights he has been up all night crying and moving and just not falling asleep until 6am, making Chris and I ... well... angry. We tried everything; boobie, tylenol (teething), not feeing him too late (upset tummy), too early (hungry), short pj's(hot), long p.j's (cold), yesterday I was so mad that I wasn't getting my sleep. I was seething. But I kept it all in there and continued to work with Keenan. He finally feel asleep when Chris couldn't take it and moved off the bed.
Then it donned on us. He sleeps great UNTIL we get in the bed. Then he can't sleep.
Now you all know what an avid co-sleeper I am. Ever since day one he has been in in our bed. So today when we decided to sidecar the crib. I wept.
Not because I am sad. I am happy, I know he is growing up, and maybe sleeping with him is putting my needs first, not OURS.
I don't know if this will work. But he is in there. In the Crib that I thought would never see the light of day. Maybe it's time that he had his own bed.
As I write this I am still weaping. I love him so much, and I love to hold him and smell him and nurse him all night. But, he is not my little baby any more, he is alomost 1 and 1/2, and becoming more and more independent everyday. Becoming a strong, intellectual, stubborn, shy, caring, friendly, outgoing, playful little boy, who will always ALWAYS be welcome in my bed. If HE wants to.

Back From Ontario

And we absolutley loved it. I a however still on Ont time so to me it is 1:44am. I am so tired.
I just wanted to give an update,
Keenan is walking all over the place. Still like a wobbly sailor but so cute and so mobile. He can disapear really quick, one moment he is here the next gone.
Most memorible thing that happened in Ontario.
We went on a 2hr boat ride to a place called Parry Sound and had lunch. Getting there was great, no real waves, smooth ride all the way there.
The way back, however, is a total different story.
Bounce, bounce, bow-bounce, bounce. The waves we hard and frequent. Keenan had missed his nap and the violent bouncing of the boat scared him. So what did he do (remeber he couldn't nurse because of the lifejacket)
He slept. The whole way.
I have no idea how a kid who does not nap anywhere but in his bed could sleep while bouncing like that. No rythm, irratic, hard bouncing. And he sleeps the whole way.
Unbelievable.
I am happy to be home though. Ahhh.