Social Media, Post Partum and My Life - An Ongoing Battle.

A few days ago I was offering advice on a Facebook group that I belong to about anxiety as a first time mom. This wasn't in any special group, another one of those mommy-clubs that are over represented on social media. This particular group is just a bunch of women who shared the same month of pregnancy; a due date club or what have you, nothing else other than the date of conception, morning sickness commiseration's, and the sharing of birth stories and milestones to keep the group a cohesive unit.

It's not that I needed to join another group of mothers, I have plenty of real life amazing girlfriends and a tribe within my own parenting circle of almost 10 years. However, for some reason I am drawn to the first time mom to help and support her. This is probably because I felt so alone and isolated when I, myself, was a first time mom.

As the story goes, I gave this mother some heartfelt advice and it was not well received. Since the invention of Facebook I have noticed new mothers are increasingly more unsure of their new life, maybe because we post statuses every couple hours and our whole lives are up for public scrutiny. I reached out to try and quell some fears that she had on illness, about this whole vaccine crisis, about how everything is risky, and we just have to live our lives well in spite of that. She disagreed vehemently with my viewpoint and it was actually some of the most hurtful words that have ever been thrown my way. This may have been from fear, insecurity or just anger - I am not sure really; but it has profoundly changed the way that I think about myself at the moment.

I have been struggling with post partum depression for a while, and I find that my viewpoint of myself is really coloured by ppd. It's hard to tell what are normal feelings and which ones are exacerbated by the illogical side effects of depression. On a regular day this would have been water off my back, but because of my ppd I have been stressing about it, over analysing and over thinking 2 paragraphs of hurtful comments that happened over a week ago.

This one chance encounter really made me look at why I participate in these online mommy groups, and why I feel that I should be giving advice to people who don't want it, didn't ask for it, and probably really don't need it from some random stranger online. I know that I go into a helping mode so that I don't have to pay attention to the insecurities and fears that I have surrounding my own abilities as a mother. That for me the internet is somewhere to hide when my depression is all encompassing and incredibly hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's somewhere that I can distract myself from the chaos that surrounds me and try and help those who look like they need support when I can't figure out how to support myself.  

This mother told me in not so many words to fuck off, that she hadn't asked for my advice. That I am self-centered and condescending. Patronising even. Pretty much the exact opposite of what I try to be in my life. 

I am not sure if I would have taken it so much to heart if I wasn't in the midst of post-partum, but her words cut so deep to the core that it is hard to get past them. The logical part of my brain tells me that this is insane to continue to feel anxiety and sadness over this as it is just one woman who I don't even know in real life. Just a random mom on the internet with a difference of opinion. Just like me.  I can't help but wonder if she lashed out because of her fears and her insecurities or if it really is a case of me putting my nose where it really shouldn't have been. (as I have been guilty of the latter before.)

All I know is that perhaps my time to help the insecure and frightened mothers online is really a losing battle. It's not for the faint of heart and truth be told I am much too sensitive. I can't take many attacks to my vulnerable spirit. The torch must be passed on and as much as I would like to think that new mothers want the advice that older more experienced mothers have - it's not really so. I remember as a first time mom how much I thought I already knew, and wasn't really open to getting any advice even though I was so desperately lonely and really needed someone to hold my hand.

It's only when you have been a mother for a while do you see value in those that came before. 

This isn't to say that I won't continue to help mothers in need of validation or support as that would go against my very nature. However, I am going to focus on the people I interact with on a real life basis and leave the Facebook couch psychology realm for some other mother/ activist
who is not so burnt out and who doesn't need the support herself. 

So as with everything, this was a wake up call to get my spirit out of the Facebook world where it can so easily get trampled and place it back into my body where it belongs. I guess I should be grateful for that. 

Mommy Judgement

I have been thinking a lot on mommy judgement as of late as a couple articles that have come out in the last couple days (one that I wrote) and another have caused quite a debate in the mommy world.

We speak about how when people know better they do better, and that everyone will find a way that works for their family, and how judgement fuels the mommy wars - and it does, but that doesn't mean that all moms need to stop judging.

Wait…did I just say that you *should* judge? Wasn't my last post all about *not* judging…am I contradicting myself? I would say no, because I personally believe that there are different kinds of judgement, and different degrees of how one should be judged.

Let me give you some examples.

I wrote an article on being a "sometimes" single parent. This is when mom or dad is out of town for work on a regular basis. It talked about coping techniques and how to keep your family whole when one is obviously missing. When I posted about it a couple friends of mine were completely insulted that I would write about being a single parent when I am not one. (but the article wasn't about that) I feel as if I was judged very harshly - without any real information gathered. Neither of them had actually read the article so they were just putting their perception of what they *thought* I had written and judged me for it.

This is not a nice way to judge moms.

Another would be judging a mom on how she goes about the day to day of raising her kids. Judging them on what they eat, what they wear or how they dress. We can also go into where the baby sleeps, what they do for a living etc. etc. These are normal judgments that run rampant in society - and really shouldnt matter. Every single person is judging you. Watching you. Looking at what you are doing. They are called snap judgments and to try and get people above this - especially when they are looking for connections (like in mommy groups) is almost impossible. Unless you are a devout spiritual person... I would say that everyone has these type of judgments.

As a side, these are the judgments that I fall prey to the most. I fret about how I look and how my kids look to the outside world on a regular basis…it is why there are brushes and wipes in my car at all times.

This isn't a nice way to judge people either but this one is more of a *perception* at any given moment people may or may not be actually judging you - and for the most part these are judgments that you have about yourself - remember my last post (own your choice).

The third judgement is where the second article landed on. A parent "expert" consistantly tells parents to let their children cry themselves to sleep and not check on them for extended periods of time from 2 months on.. (or 12lbs - which ever comes first). Anyway, she felt judged by parents who did not believe in her methods and other parents who use these methods also feel judged (albeit maybe having not used the extreme methods that she subscribes to).

Isn't this a good judgment? If someone is doing something that is harmful to another person, or preying on people when they are in a vulerable state…isnt this when we *should* judge?
To me advocating that an infant under 8 weeks should be left for 12 hrs at night with no exceptions is abuse…and so this expert in my opinion is teaching abuse. She should be judged.

The moms that follow her blindly should be as well. Then they should also get the support that they need.

I kind of liken it to Child Protective Services. Lets say you see a mom that is yelling at a baby. Some one under 6 months old. She is really loud, screaming at a defensless infant - in a food court - or maybe she tells you that she locks her child in the bathroom all night without supper until he poops in the potty (for hours on end), or that on Facebook you see that a mom says that she puts hot sauce on her toddlers mouth when he swears….. these are all reasons why CPS would be called…. but wait..is this judgement or is it looking out for someone who can not look out for themselves??

I believe it is the latter. Children need protection by the people in the society surrounding them. The society surrounding them uses judgement to assess whether a behaviour is acceptble or not.

So mommy's… there are three kinds of judgement; snap judgments, the judgement that you *percieve* (which may or may not actually be there) and the judgement that I hope that everyone does…every single day.

I know I do.


**added after being published - I also wanted to say that since I judge moms I expect judgement from moms as well. If I am harming my kids I *want* to be called on it. If we feel like everything we do as parents is not a regret - then we really *shouldn't* feel judgement - and have nothing to really worry about. IMO.

Freak of Nature.

When I would go out with my first I would secretly hope that people would look at me and think how cute my baby was. I really did. I loved getting those smiles that people give you when they see you with your first baby. Of course, they could have been secretly thinking, "hahaha! She doesn't know what she is in for!" But, I think for the most part people just like seeing babies.

After I became pregnant with my second, I would hope the same. I would hold my 2/3 year olds hand and then have the baby in my carrier of choice. We would walk and people would say, "oh, what sweet boys you have..." I really enjoyed just going out with the two of them and walking wherever we needed to go, taking our time and being our silly selves.

I didn't think that it would change. As my brood got bigger I thought that people would still give me that smile and say how precious my kids were. They didn't change, so why would I think that the interaction with people would?

But it did. I wrote about it in this post and this post. It were these outings that made me feel like a freak of nature with all of my kids. And the sad thing is that I only have 3. Many people I know have 4 or even more. I dread going out with them. I feel like everyone is looking at me, and maybe it is all in my head, but I can't handle the judgement. I just don't have the confidence to put up with it.

Sometimes I get the nerve to try go out again with all 3 because I need something that can't wait until the husband comes home. But inevitably every time that I do, fate steps in and shows me that I am a fool to think that anything should really go my way.

For example. We went to the grocery store (ahh the grocery store land of judgement galore) and I had both my kids in the "car cart" and the baby in the wrap (tied loosely because he was nursing). The 3 year old started acting out and standing on his seat, I warned him that I was going to buckle him in..he ignored me. So I calmly leaned over and put the strap on...the baby started fussing because he was being compressed by me bending over (but it would take a SECOND to snap the strap and we could go) and all of a sudden this old lady (70's) came over yelling, "HIS HEAD!! HIS HEAD!! YOU ARE SQUISHING THE BABY'S HEAD!!!" and I was...a bit...(it really wasnt that bad.)

Anyway, the WHOLE aisle then decided to look at this freak wearing this long piece of cloth tied to her squishing her baby, and her two other children crying and whining.....I wanted to crawl in a hole...I thanked the lady, said he was fine, and left.

I go to that particular store often, and feel sad that it's things like that which make me afraid to go out.

It's almost like I feel ashamed to have 3 children. When I am around my friends I don't as like I said, many of us have more than one...but when in public and I have one child holding my left hand, and one child holding my right, and then the baby on the front, it just makes me feel uncomfortable.

ps. the picture is from Demi Bella which I am totally ordering from!

A Conundrum

When I was first a new parent 5.5years ago, I parented with my gut and agonized over the "type" of parent that I wanted to be. I had been given Babywise as a gift while pregnant and the whole book rubbed me the wrong way. I happened to stumble upon an ad for a online parenting group that called themselves "Attachment Parents" but really thought nothing of the term, because I thought that all parents were "attachment parents"...didn't we all want to be attached to our kids?

And really, all that I was looking for were people to connect with because as a 24 year old University student I had absolutley NO friends with kids....ok not entirely true because my best friend had a baby just out of highschool but she lives in another province.

So there I was looking for people to go on playdates with. So I joined this group and started asking questions and posting, and finding myself pretty mainstream and not entirely supported by this group. They had their ways and apparently I was not crunchy enough. I made some good connections and the women were really nice people, just a lot of them were at least 5 to 10 years my senior and were pretty black and white when it came to what was acceptable and what wasn't.

So I joined another local pay for service forum to find more people to bond with, meanwhile I was still having issues breastfeeding and finding no support what so ever, other than the LLL. So I joined this other group and it was way more mainstream, but the parents were even older and the kids were all older too, and I felt like an even bigger outsider.

A couple moms posted asking questions about Crying-It-Out and I posted links to articles and blogs that I had gotten...but really I had no idea because who would really leave their child to cry? I mean really? My baby was a great sleeper and I could sleep with him and he could breastfeed while I was sleeping so really, what was wrong with them.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't get flamed. At the time it pissed me off so badly because all these women got so much support for CIO or ignoring their babies and I was the one being told that I lived in fairy tale land.

I left that group, and coincidentally met a really good friend of mine at a LLL meeting. I gave the AP group a second chance and started recruiting. I have met many many inspiring women throughout my time with them...I have also met women that make me want to put my head through the wall...but that is life!

I became a really strong advocate for cosleeping, and/or responding to your baby...but more importantly *listening to your own gut*.

Sure mother to mother support is paramount, and we need tribes to keep us sane, but at the same time we have to be aware of the decisions that we make and how they affect us and own own families. Cosleeping doesn't work for everyone. It works for me, but I am one person in a city of one million.

I have found often in my years of being a "attachment parent" that this type of parent is too smart.

Let me try to explain...it's like smart and neurotic, but somewhat insecure. I am not excluding myself from this evaluation. I came to this conclusion when I was picking my oldest up from school and was explaining to one of the moms how much I loved Alfie Kohn. She did not have a clue who I was talking about. She said that she wasn't really into parenting books and did most of her parenting by instinct.

This is exactly my point. I was the moderator of the AP group of my city for 3.5 years and in that time I read every single questionnaire. "What is Attachment Parenting to you?" and almost every single answer was "I didn't know that what I was doing had a name until I *read* about it somewhere."

So back to being way too smart and neurotic...Attachment Parents are researchers. They research the hell out of something to find the appropriate answer. Textbooks, parenting books, expert advice, emails, forums and websites, blogs, all searching for what an "AP" parent would do in that particular situation....but the kicker is that no one actually knows because AP is not something you do, it is something you are.

Most people follow Dr. Sears Baby B's...but I have said before and I will say it again...do you really think he did all those? He was on tour making money. Bottom line. He had 8 kids to feed. It was Martha who really knows...but then she only knows how to parent *her* own kids.

So back to the CIO and the rest of the rules etc. We as "AP'ers" try to hold ourselves to some higher standard that our "mainstream" counterparts. I was right to get flamed by all those women. They were older and wiser and had learned more about parenting than I had in the 18 mos that I was a parent of one pretty easy boy.

But what happens in the AP community, I am noticing is that new moms come in trying to find out what constitutes AP and how to assimilate into the community but only have parents of children that are maybe 2 to 4 years older than their own children to gather information from. And you have your die hards that live on another level, or your super "natural/green" parents that follow another sect, and so the new mommies think that this is the norm that these are the parents that they have to look up to...when really in real life they are nothing like the posts and chats that they answer.

Really. Who is going to actually say that they did something that is not AP on an AP forum. NO ONE. Because people are so afraid of losing their community or tribe or what have you.

So they form little separate groups with other moms of kids the same age and get together in real life and find out that it's okay to dislike your child somedays, and that makes you human.

But this doesn't help the community as a whole because those secret conversations are not shared with all the new mommies that are looking for support.

It seems to me to be a real conundrum.

People are not completely honest for fear of being judged by those who are afraid of being judged themselves. All because some "expert" wants to make money by selling a book, and tours and an endorsed "arms reach cosleeper."

So, in closing to this incredibly long winded blog post...I am going to post the things that I hate about myself and how I parent...a confessions post (which we used to do in the AP group long ago) to let others see just how human I am.

How Old Are You?!?

It's really none of your business is it? This question keeps coming up again and again, and it is really starting to tick me right off. I have noticed that it is more frequently asked since I have had the 3rd boy child.

Not that it didn't happen before, but it's happening more and more and more.

I took my kids to the doctor and while trying to wrestle my 2 year old into submission while my 5 year old sat on the bed and my 3 month old cried in the sling, the doctor asked, "Can I ask you how old you are?" I was taken aback...was my loss of control at that moment related to *my* age, or more the age of my squirmy two year old? (I would put my money on the 2 year old!)

Or the random woman on the street who demanded to know if in fact all 3 boys were mine, how old they were, and how old I was... Who comes up to someone and demands to know their age? What gave her the idea that it was okay to come up to me and ask me that?

I honestly do not understand why people feel that it is appropriate to come up to me and ask me how old I am...some how insinuating that perhaps I am too young to have one child, let alone 3. My husband says that I should take it as a compliment, but I don't. It really ticks me off.

Just because someone decides to start with the career and not the family as I have chosen does not make them *more* qualified to have children, or more able to pass judgement.

If a 45 year old woman was walking around with 2 or 3 small kids, would random strangers and doctors ask *her* how old she was?

NO. BECAUSE IT IS RUDE.

I decided to have my kids young because honestly, I feel like I can handle them better when I am young. I wanted to have more than a few kids and I wanted them close together. I wanted to be done having babies by 30. I wanted to be able to stay home and not worry about the career that I was leaving or hoping was staying on hold for me.

Because my mom had her kids young.

Because my grandma had her kids young.

Because I *wanted* to.

Thats right. Not only am I young (which is B.S because I was 8 years older than my mom when she had me, when I started) I planned them. Each and every one.

So stop asking me, because I am going to start asking it right back. Why? Why does it matter to people?

Age is just a number...and in 20 years from now when my kids are all in college, (or whatever they want to do) I will only be in my late 40's and free from diapers, and kid drama...and then the table will turn, and I wont be judged anymore.

THAT Mom....

I confess. I am one of those people that judged people who had kids harshly before I had my own. I used to work at a resturant as a hostess and saw many many families and unruly children. I promised myself I would never ever let my kids do any of the things that the kids were doing at the tables. (like dropping french fries!!! *gasp*)

When I got pregnant it got worse. I would notice parents yelling, grabbing, and children screaming in shopping carts and I would think these moms were the worst! Kids don't have to cry ever, I thought to myself, If you know what you are doing.

I became a nanny just before I got pregnant and thought of that time as my trial for having kids. Let me tell you, those kids that I watched had THE BEST nanny. I got down at their level, played, didnt need to discipline, they went to sleep easy! (of course I had the energy of a 23 year old!!)

So, now here we are at 33 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old boy and a 4 year old boy, both of who have energy coming out of the ying-yang. I can admit that perhaps I was a little quick to judge these past moms....

You see, I was THAT mom at the playground the other day. I had gotten maybe 4 hrs consecutive sleep the night before and my husband had been gone for 7 days. I was going just a little crazy with the continual need to separate my boys as they love to rough house. I decided that I would take a friends advice and take my kids to the playground. There is one rather close so I thought we could kill an hour or so before I had to start making dinner.

Once we got outside my kids bee-lined for "Summer Bucket"; which is full of all of our outdoor summer toys. K was ecstatic to find water guns and pistols. Of course he showed them to R and the two of them immediately started shooting eachother.

The kids BEGGED to take them to the park and I quickly looked over to see if there were any other kids or moms at the park. Noticing that there wasn't, I agreed.

They were in heaven and the best part was that I could sit my butt on the bench and just zone out.

We were there for less than 10 mins when the local school bus pulled up and children started appearing with their moms and siblings to the park.

My kids were super excited to now have real people to use for target practice. K and R started "piss-shoe-ing" every single mom and toddler. They were acting like crazed mad men!

K started saying how everyone was bad and he was going to kill them.

I felt so embarrassed. I tried, with little success to get them to just point at inanimate objects. When I tried to take the guns away I got massive temper tantrums...it was starting to go down-hill. I started to feel judged and watched by the other moms, and knew that when they went home that they were going to post about the frazzled mom with the 2 boys and the guns.

I became THAT mom in that moment, the one that people say, "I will never let my kids bring guns to the park and shoot people."

I do wish that perhaps they gave me some slack as you could tell that I was quite haggard, tired and 33 weeks pregnant.

Moral of the story. Don't judge moms, you have no idea what their day has been like.

A new way of looking at things.....

So it is no surprise that I subscribe to the "attachment parenting" philosophy. I breastfed (eed), co-sleep (slept), baby wear (wore) both of my children. I have read Alfie Kohn, Elaine Faber, Gordon Neufield and the like. (Dr. Sears as well). But, I have always felt that there is/was no need for this label.

This "AP" label. It just makes women crazy. That we have to do X and X and X to prove to someone, anyone (ourselves?) that AP is the only way that you can possibly "do right" by a child. I am one of those who fell for that way of thinking hard. 4 hard years ago in fact. I never let my child Cry-it-out. I never once belittled him, ignored him and the like....well, who exactly am I trying to kid?

I am a human first, a woman second and a mom 3rd. Of course I have screwed up. I have not left him to cry, that is right, but he has screamed in my arms. I have ignored him, I have yelled, lost my temper and all the others, I havent smacked him....but who exactly am I qualifying to?

Do you, dear reader, really truly care if I screw up my kid? Isnt that my right as a parent?

So back to the whole AP point that I was trying to make and then got distracted.

I have friends that CIO. And I see their kids, they are just as grouchy as mine, as disrespectful as mine can be, and as loud and obnoxious too...maybe that is just "preschooler". These women are not evil. They are doing the best that they can do, with the knowledge that they have, and who is anyone to judge them. Me? Do I have that right? You? How would I feel if someone judged me? Thought I was the worst parent in the world because I cant keep my boys clean.

I change them over 5 times a day...clothes that is.... doesnt matter, as soon as I put it on its on the floor covered in paint, dirt, snot or other things too gross to mention.

Why am I all riled up? I have been reading my parenting forum and the newbie moms, you know the one's with *one* kid who is less than 2. The ones whose children cant walk let alone backtalk...they just judge so harshly. And it burns me up, because I was like that too. SO judgmental. They just dont understand that by saying "I am so glad that I AP" means that they are building a gap between moms that just need a little support, some guidance, some help. The energy could be so much better spent. Instead of an US vs. Them mentality. Of course I dont have a leg to stand on as I also hold grudges forever.....

One last point on AP and this is the big one, the reason for this post. I actually dont think we AP our kids...I think we AP ourselves. Our children will all react the same way no matter how we raise them, it is how we react that matters.

Passing Judgement

I was reading a friend of mines blog and the comments on her latest post really bothered me. Not that I actually care what this anonymous person thinks, but the fact that someone actually took the time to put my friend down.

Of course it was a comment on AP, and how she must know everything...but I think, maybe she does? Is it so wrong for a parent, any parent to be truly informed when making decisions for their child. It is not like we are only care takers of children, these small people will one day become mothers and fathers themselves and the way we treat them is the way that they will treat the world when they grow and leave our nests.

I know that I personally would want my son to know that I will always come when he needs me. Regardless of age or time or place. And that way he will always be there for his wife and his children. He won't feel the empty void that so many people feel because of the way they were parented as children, and this includes me to some extent, as my father was not available.

Kinda getting off topic ;) but basically can we not just let people do what they want with their children and leave the sarcasms and judging to bigger things such as global warming, and war?

Because really, does it really matter how I or you parent? How does it affect me, personally in anyway? (other than when my son marries his wife and she has a void to fill, I will be the one to help my son fill it.)