Winter Babywearing

One of the downfalls of living in a cold climate is trying to navigate the world of baby wearing in minus 30... that's minus 22 for you Fahrenheit folks... Over the years I have tried many different ways to have an active lifestyle in the winter while still keeping my baby close to my heart.

The benefit of having more than one child is that I was able to test out many different things over the years. To be honest, I haven't found what I would call the "perfect fit" for myself as of yet - but I still have 2 more winters to go before my littlest won't want to be up in my arms.

If you have tried any of the following and have a review that is different than mine, or have tried something else that you just loved, share it with me, I am always on the lookout for new baby wearing solutions for winter.

First things first. What should you and the baby wear under the jackets, etc?

Of course it depends on your climate, but for the most part a t-shirt and a cardigan for you and a onsie, and an outfit for them. I usually have my babies in babylegs or tights under pants, and if it is really cold and we are going for a long walk tights, baby legs and pants. Socks and booties like padraigs or robeez. They then go in the carrier. This is if the carrier is going under the jacket. If it is going over the jacket, then dress them as you would yourself, or if they were going to go in a stroller.

After you have the baby in the carrier there are many great options out there.

MAMA JACKET

The mama jacket retails for about $300 and is a really nice looking baby wearing coat. It is great for milder winters (think of Vancouver) and can be used for both back and front carries.

What I loved : I really like the look of the jacket. It's wool and can be dressed up or down. It has a pregnancy insert which I found really helpful at 9 mos pregnant in December. It's really easy to use, the panel just zips in and the baby's head pops through the hole.

What I didn't love : It fits quite small so go up a size. I also did not find it warm enough for our prairie winters. (unless I layered). It can only accommodate front and back carriers, so no ring slings or pouches can be used. The neck area is not covered in the baby wearing insert so you need to wear a scarf or something and that can be cumbersome with a wrap as well.

I did like this jacket a lot and wore it often. It was great for the fall and spring and is really nice looking. Even getting it on and off of your back with a sleeping baby wasn't too difficult.

PEEKARU VEST

The peekaru is about $100 and is now made by Beco. I really like this option. It can be used for both front and back carries and is a nice warm fleece.

What I loved : This is really warm and perfect for when the weather is transitioning. I would wear a sweater or a hoodie under it, and my baby would be dressed up a little more - maybe one extra layer.
I would wear this either by itself or under my own winter jacket. (for warmer winter days as your coat could not zip up if you do this.) Really easy to use.

What I didn't love : It's not a jacket so your arms are exposed. That was about it though.

KOKOALA

This is a new product made in Quebec so it is made for Canadian winters. It's about $200 and fits in any zippered winter jacket.

What I loved : That it fits in my own winter jacket. I like that it is warm as well. It has two places to sinch up the fabric to stop the cold air from getting to you or the baby.

What I didn't love : That it is only good for front carries. It seems a little big for me - but my newest babe is only 2 months old, so it should be better in a year. I don't like how the neck is again uncovered. They do sell a neck warmer separately which leads me to believe this is a common complaint. Also, you have to choose what type of zipper, so if your spouse has a different zipper than you - you will have to buy two different zipper attachments.

This product was pretty warm, which is something that is really great for an add on product.

SUSE'S KINDERCOAT

The Suse's Kindercoat ($200) is the standard for the baby wearing industry. It's design is pretty flawless and has options for front, back and side carries. This is something that no other jacket provides. It also has a fleece liner so it can be used as a winter jacket or rain jacket instead.

What I loved: How warm it is. I was actually quite surprised about how much I liked this jacket. It isn't really my style - but what it lacks in style it makes up for in design. I loved how all of the hoods were in their own little pockets (including the mama's hood). The ability to wear the baby on your back and in a hip carry and still be just as warm is a huge plus. It comes with a little mesh bag to carry all of the other pieces (as they all zip on in different ways) so that you don't lose them...as long as you don't misplace the bag!

What I didn't love : I don't like the way it looks. It is bulky and not flattering at all. I feel like a frump when I wear it - but it is so comfy and warm that I just have to put up with it.

This is the best of all of them in my opinion. The warmest, most versatile, and longest lasting (for all ages of babies). While you definitely have to watch a couple youtube videos on how to wear it - once you get the hang of it you can re-join the world in the winter.


EXTRA LARGE WOWAN/ MAN'S JACKET

This just goes to show you that you can baby wear without buying any of the above products. The pic below is a sweater jacket that is wool and stretches like crazy and I just put the baby in their wrap and zip it up and go. You gotta do what is in your budget and works!! If that means not having to push a stroller through un-shovelled sidewalks - you will find a way!!

Happy Babywearing!!

Ps. There are lots of other jackets, and ponchos available - however these are the only ones that I have tried so far. I will update this list if I get to try any more.

Skip the Babyshower! Have a Mother Blessing Instead!

When I was pregnant with my first child (almost 9 years ago) I was determined to check off every item that babycentre canada said that I needed as a first time mom. My husband and i were both students so we were not as flush as we would have hoped and so we thought a good way to get baby items was to throw a babyshower. It was a good time for sure. We played all of the party games and I got a ton of swag....which I barely even used.

The part about a babyshower that no one tells you is that you probably won't be using all of the "must haves" that the baby companies say that you need. In reality, you only need clothing and diapers. Other than that, everything else is completely personal. (We didn't even use our crib!)
So when baby number 2 and 3 came around I decided to go the more non-traditional route and have a Blessing Way.

A Mother Blessing or Blessingway is a tradition that is taken from many other traditions and then melded to make a beautiful ceremony that celebrates women and motherhood.
Traditionally it is comprised of a group of women that are mothers but who are also incredibly close to the mother who is being celebrated. The guest list is very intimate and extremely exclusive. If a woman invites you to her blessing way, she feels that you alone have a very special place in her heart, and it something to feel very honoured about. (you don't just invite everyone.)

There is no right way to plan a Blessingway, as every mothers needs are different, just as every woman is different. A mother blessing for a first time mom will look very different from that of a second time mom, or a mom who has/going to have a C-birth or a VBAC. If you are hosting the Blessingway for your friend/sister it is important to know this and plan accordingly.

I thought it might be nice if I explained how my own blessing ways typically go, so that you can get a better idea and start planning one for a close girlfriend, or get someone to throw one for you!

About a month before the event send out the invitations. In the invite let everyone know what a Blessingway is and ask them to bring a bead that will be strung on the birth mother's neck while in labour so that she can remember everyone who is there to support her during her birth. Ask them to come with a couple of blessings in mind, one for the mom about her birth, one for the baby, and one for the mom about how her life will change.

Also, ask the guests to bring a potluck item for everyone to share. After the ceremony, it's always nice to nosh together and just talk.

On the day of, if the mother wanted people to place their blessings inside her belly cast, then make sure that she has already made one a couple days before. If not, and she wants to do a belly cast, this can be a fun activity to do at the Blessing so make sure you have the items available.

Once all the guests arrive and are seated in a circle, go around the circle and have each woman introduce herself by her mothers lineage. For example, My name is Alisha, daughter of Ruth, Granddaughter of Audrey, and so on. At this point each woman lights a candle. These candles are to stay lit for the whole ceremony, and at the end each woman takes hers home to re-light when the mother goes into labour. It is also nice at this point to have each mom tell a funny story about the mom-to-be, or how they met, or why they feel their friendship is valuable etc. (The whole point is to make the mom feel supported).

Next, each woman goes around the circle and places a bead on a string, explaining why they chose that particular bead, and what significance it has to them or the new mom, while doing this they also state the wish that they have for the upcoming birth. For example, "I wish for your birth to be one of complete calmness and love. To birth with openness and strength." Once the necklace is done it is placed around the mothers neck.

Next, there is a little pampering where the mother can get her feet washed, hair brushed, nails painted, henna started (henna on the belly). Sometimes a crown of flowers will be placed on her head. Just to signify how beautiful she is; inside and out. Sometimes women bring items for a pampering basket for after the baby is born.

After the pampering is done, the attendants are asked to share their hopes and dreams for the child and mother. They can also be asked to write them down, as to keep a scrapbook if the mother so wished. For example, "My wish for your child is that they are happy and healthy. My wish for you is to have patience  and understand that the early years are so fleeting. Embrace your child with all the love you feel for them now, everyday."

When all of the blessings are over, get a ball of yarn and tie a couple loops around each woman's wrist. This signifies that all the women in the circle are connected and they are asked to wear that bracelet until the baby is born, so that each time they look down at their wrist they think of the special day, the mother, the child and all of the women who were in the room. (After the baby is born everyone can cut their bracelets off - but sometimes the new mom will wear it for 6 weeks post-partum or until it falls off to remind her of the support that is still there if she needs it.)

Lastly, the candles are blown out and all of the women move to the food table. Sharing stories of motherhood, life and support. Sometimes there is a sign-up list for each woman to bring a meal to the family when the child makes an appearance.

I hope that was informative for all of you, and I hope that maybe you will throw one of these, or go to one in the future. If you have any questions or comments please leave them below.

My Top 10 Must-Haves for New Moms

Notice that I said my top 10, because every mom is different.
After having 3 kids and getting ready for baby #4 these are all the things that I found to be valuable.

1. Post-Partum After Care Kit 
There is a reason that this is number one. Sometimes we get so focused on having the baby, we forget that there is recovery after. The recovery is different for a C-birth or a Vaginal birth, but it does have some overlap.

For a Vaginal Birth 
Frozen Pads - these are a must. If you only do one thing, do this. Take some witch hazel or calendula and mix it with water and lavender essential oil and spray it onto extra large and absorbent sanitary napkins. Freeze them open faced and then put them away folded up. Every time you use the bathroom after birth grab one of these. The relief is just amazing.
Peri Bottle - Fill with warm water and spray it on your swollen bits while and after you go pee. Takes the sting away.
Witch Hazel - When you are past the frozen pad stage a spray bottle of witch hazel, lavender and water by the toilet will be a soothing comfort as you heal from your birth.
Arnica - Homeopathic for swelling and for after pains...of course you can use Tylenol or Advil if that is more your style.
Here is a kit that is already made to buy from Earth Mama Angel Baby.

For a C-Birth 
Comfortable Undies that do not sit on your incision.
Arnica and Tylenol for pain and swelling.
Slip on shoes.
Frozen Peas, or other cooling pads.
Stool Softeners.
A hairdryer to dry the incision site after a shower.

http://www.babybuddy.com

2. A Breastfeeding Pillow 
This is a must have for both breastfeeding and bottle feeding moms alike. A nice pillow is really helpful when sitting up (when you are weak) to start establishing breastfeeding, or when you want the baby close to you when feeding from the bottle. (you are still weak). Also for moms that have had a C-birth it helps that you don't have to bend to pick up your baby as they are elevated right in front of you.

3. Lanolin
This is for the breastfeeding mothers. This is for protection of your sensitive nipples. Apply after every feed.

4. GlamourMom Nursing Tanks

http://www.glamourmom.com

Again for the nursing mothers. I practically live in my glamourmoms all pregnancy and motherhood. I found that bras were constrictive and caused me blocked ducts, and so the glamourmoms provide just enough support - but can be really used and withstand all the spit up and abuse.

5. Bouncer
I really liked the bouncer for using when I was in the shower. Some women like to use the bumbo but bumbos are really not for newborns and my kids would star-fish out so bringing it in the shower is not something I feel comfortable with. Having the bouncer right outside the shower door was a nice compromise.

6. Stretchy Wrap or a Ring Sling 

Me 3 days after having my 3rd son.

I found that I didn't need these as much for my first child, but for my second and third there was not a day that went by that the baby wasn't in a carrier. A carrier allows you to eat with both hands and is so helpful in the bathroom...which is pretty much all you do for the first 4 weeks. Babies love to hear their mothers heartbeat so keeping them close allows them to sleep better and be comforted by you.

So cute!! 

7. Baby Nighties 

These are sometimes hard to find but worth it. When the baby is so new all those teeny snaps make for longer diaper changes that can potentially wake the baby up from their deep sleep. Using a baby nightie means quicker and easier diaper changes! I think that speaks for itself!

8. Freezer Full of Meals
There are two ways to get a freezer full of meals. Either you make them all ahead yourself while nesting...or have a babyshower or blessingway where everyone signs up to bring you one. Seriously, not having to think about dinner or snacks when you have a new baby at home is bliss. Just bliss.

9. A Tribe
Finding other parents that are of similar mindset to you is paramount. This is especially true once everyone goes back to their regular life and you are left at home with a newborn all by yourself. PPD is a real epidemic in our society and so finding people that you can relate to, bounce ideas off of, go to the park or a walk with is pretty important. The internet is a great start to find these people - but an "in real life" tribe is even better.

10. A Post Partum Doula/ Lactation Consultant/ Post Partum Support Group.
Professionals are always good to have in your back pocket. They can help us in places that our family, friends and/or tribe can't. They can see where we really need help, and if we are struggling. They can help us get back on our feet. I find them really invaluable!!

So, there you have it, my top 10 for new moms! Did I miss anything?? Leave suggestions in comments.

He and ADHD

My son was diagnosed with ADHD.

Lego Ninjago

How many times have you read that? Many I suppose. It's not like it is some new age diagnosis that has been over diagnosed by pediatricians that have no idea what they are really talking about since it is a brain thing - and not a body thing - or is it both?

The point is that yes, many kids have it.

It's not a death sentence. Its not something that can be cured. It's not something that needs to be worn on the sleeve if his shirt to let everyone know that hey, he may be a little different. It's not an excuse for bad behaviour. It's not an excuse for any behaviour at all.

It's the way he thinks. It's in his DNA. In his brain chemistry. And yes, some if the behaviours that are symptoms can be hard to deal with for me. But they are also hard for him. He doesn't think like me. He doesn't understand some social cues. He doesn't understand personal space. He doesn't understand why his playing really loudly can sometimes cause adults to be irritated - he doesn't realize that he is doing it. And he isn't doing it on purpose.

I can tell him a million times that he needs to "be quiet" or that he must "calm down" or "stop moving" but that isn't going to make him stop. It will just make me more frustrated. It will also hurt his self esteem. But I will still do it. I am only human. 

Loves to Learn! 

The worst part about ADHD is that these kids are smart. Not just book smart, but smart beyond their years. They are creative, and think outside the box. They are leaders, forward thinkers and trail blazers. They take risks. (this may be because they lack the executive functioning not to think about risk, before they take them... But this is beside the point.)

The reason why this is bad is because you, the parent, the teacher, the adult can forget so quickly that these children are different and your expectations of them will be off. You will expect more of them than needs to be expected - and that isn't fair to him and it certainly isn't fair to you.
But life isn't fair. 

The best thing I can do is educate myself and continue to ask questions. Try to view the world from his eyes. Try to remind myself daily that he isn't like his brothers and to stop comparing them. To see them as individuals with different strengths and weaknesses - not better nor different - but unique to them. 

Inquisitive

It has taken me a long time to write this post. We knew that he was a challenge when he was younger and had flags go up as he progressed in school. Why such a bright kid was having so many problems, we knew it was coming. I didn't want to know - and even now am wary of the diagnosis as it is a label..and who really wants the label good or bad or indifferent? 

But I need to own it. To be an advocate for him and for our whole family. To learn and share my knowledge to other families going through the same thing but maybe not as vocal as me.. (who is) who maybe don't have the same background as me and maybe don't know what questions to ask. 

I struggled when they gave me the 12 page report that outlined all the tests and issues and suggestions and considerations about my son. But you know what? Its just a piece of paper. He is who he is for a reason. It is my job as his mom to give him the tools to be the best that he can be just by being himself.
                                                

I love this boy!!

**update Aug 31 - After writing my blog I recieved some comments and so I decided to compose a Vlog for you. (sorry for the lighting and the crappy quality - working on it)

Simple Massages for a Fussy Baby

You may notice that your baby’s crying seems to peak in the evening and at meal times. You try all of the tips and tricks that you have learned, gripe water, probiotics, keeping the baby upright, and while wearing baby calms him most of the time, you think that your baby may have colic and want to do something more.

Colic is defined as persistent unexplained crying of an otherwise healthy baby for more than 3 hours a day.  Baby Massage is a great way to help your baby cope with his colic. Not only that but it also allows you to feel that you are playing an active role to make him feel better. There are three basic moves in Shantala Massage that help relive colic and gas.

1.     Colic Coils. This is a move that you can do while feeding your little one. It is basically using reflexology by making clockwise circles on your child’s hands and feet.

2.     I Love You. This is an inverted triangle that starts from the right side of the baby’s groin – moves upward diagonally toward the rib cage – across the body to the left side – and then finish the triangle by tracing your fingers down to the left side of the groin. The last step of this move is to make an upside down “U” around the belly button (clockwise.)

3.     Empting the Stomach. This simple move that means just that. Place your hands on the baby’s stomach and use a hand over hand motion using soft pressure to help relieve the baby’s gas.

Always make sure when you are doing any massage technique with your baby that you use a cold pressed vegetable oil such as grape seed which allow nutrients to be absorbed by the body and not removed like a conventional baby oil.

Also, follow your baby’s cues. Watch for signs to see if the baby is not enjoying the massage such as clenched fists. Sometimes you need to work at massage routine for a couple weeks before you and your baby feel comfortable.

Make sure that you follow up with your health practitioner if your baby’s colic does not seem to improve, or if it seems to get worse. Sometimes babies can have GERD, or there can be underlying food allergies or sensitivities that can be undiagnosed and cause issues for your child’s tummy. Sometimes it can be as simple as eliminating all dairy and soy from your diet if breastfeeding and switching to a hypoallergenic formula if you are using that instead.

Always reach out for support if you are feeling overwhelmed. There are lots of moms that have been in your shoes, you just have to find them.

Alisha Brignall is a Shantala Baby Massage Instructor and Parent Educator in Calgary. 

**Originally Published in M.O.B. Monthly April 2009

Formula vs Breastfeeding : A rant

This is an response to Breast Feeding vs Formula : A Rant. 


I am getting so tired of this. Blog after blog after blog of formula feeding moms that have to set the record straight about how they feel persecuted by the breastfeeding police. That they were somehow judged somewhere and some how by some horrible LLL leader or "breastfeeding Nazi". (btw - this term is horribly offensive and disrespectful to the people who have survived the holocaust and those affected by it. - more on that later.)


Why is it that when a mom asks for support or encouragement for breastfeeding issues she gets an onslaught of
             
I went through this and eventually had to switch to formula, with both babies, it was very discouraging and I felt like a failure, but sometimes our bodies just can't give our babies what they need. YOu obviously are trying and love your baby and that's what is most important. Keep on trying and if it doesn't work out, know that you tried everything you could, you are still a great mom who wants what's best for your baby!


I have been to various lactation consultants and the LaLeche League. I hate to say this but I found LLL a little judgmental. One of the ladies there told me it's a urban myth that a woman can't produce enough milk. That I just was not committed enough. At that point I decided to try and go it myself. I don't feel like anyone should be judged for the choices they make and are already struggling with on a daily basis.


I know how you are feeling...people make you feel so guilty. My body did not produce enough milk for my Son and I had to supplement since he was losing weight. I found it so exhausting, breastfeeding, then the bottle, then pumping. Then it was time to feed again. At 7 weeks my husband finally said while I was pumping and getting nothing, "Don't feel guilty if you want to stop" After I stopped I enjoyed being a new Mom so much more. My Son is almost 2 now and is a happy healthy boy!


Each one of these posts says that they tried and were *unsuccessful* at breastfeeding. Each one. So, how is that encouraging to the mom asking the question? 


I bring this up because there seems to be a real double standard when it comes to formula feeding moms and moms who use breastmilk.  Now I would argue along with The Feminist Breeder that formula feeding is not necessarily a "choice"… but lets argue for a moment that you think it is. One *chooses* to feed formula and one *chooses* to feed breastmilk. Okay. Now, why is it that when ever there is a question on breastfeeding it is taken as an excuse to explain how hard it is and how formula *saved the baby's life* but a breastfeeding mom can't be proud of her accomplishment? Does that somehow make her judgemental of a formula feeding mom? Just because she succeeded at getting milk to come out of her breasts?? 


Another question was posed on Today Moms facebook page asking about how long people had exclusively breastfed for, and what helped them, and what could have helped them even more…. the responses again were not very supportive of breastfeeding…. 


Some babies just don't take to it well and at the end of the day the health and well-being of your child should be more important than you being able to say you exclusively breastfed.



Nothing would have helped. I never lactated at all, not even colostrum. Fortunately, I didn't have any stupid hang ups about it and happily gave my kids formula.


I really wanted to breast feed but from day one my daughter wasn't having it. Pumping is just not the same and doesn't produce milk the same way if that's all your doing. I pumped for about two months then went all the way to formula.


 I did it for 3 months. Never had enough due to death threatening complications when I had my daughter. So I'm VERY thankful for bottles and "the fake powder stuff" like Amy calls it. Two centuries ago my daughter and I would've been dead if it not were for the advancements in medicine.


Are we noticing a trend yet?? 


And then to the Blog in question. This particular blog was written in response to a twitter party with a formula manufacturer giving away free swag being shut down because they were afraid of the backlash from the "lactivist" community. (doesn't that say something right there? The formula company cancelled it on their own because they were afraid of what exactly??)


Anyway, this mom, felt the need to post because she felt that the moms who *choose* formula should get free swag too. (and sure, yes they should). But, the thing is that formula companies are horrible in their marketing practices and they don't really care about you once they have gotten you - I mean just look at the recalls…. they want that NEW mom. That mom who is struggling and LOOKING for SUPPORT - and then they swoop in on their white horse and give her a free sample and *save her baby's life*. 


How is that ethical? 


And so blog posts standing up for the *choice* of formula and saying things like - "You don’t think it crosses our mind that, if it weren’t for formula, our babies would die? Do you think that feels good?"  …are just lining the pockets of the food giants.


What about milk sharing, or milk banks?? (but that is another post entirely).


So when a mom who is really only invested in the health and wellness of another mother and child - mental health as well, has NO ulterior motive…no bottom line…they get mud slung at them - 


unfreakingbelievable. Seriously? And what would these breast milk nazis have done for MY children, when my breast milk didn't contain enough fatty nutrition and I was forced to use formula so that my kids didn't starve to death? When the hell will self righteous bitches learn to mind their own damn business, take care of their own brats as opposed to telling us how to take care of ours? I'm with you on this one, T. This is god damn INFURIATING.



What is infuriating to me is that it seems like if you formula feed you can pretty much say whatever you want and not really get held accountable. You can call activists "Nazis" and it is socially acceptable… You can make a societal issue all about you and not really understand the politics and money behind the issue and blame it all on judgement. 


Basically, you can run your mouth about support and judgement and then turn around and do the EXACT same thing to a mom who is wanting to or actually breastfeeding…. 


Why can we not see the hypocrisy here and why do we allow it to continue?? 


If you truly *chose* to formula feed. i.e.) had an adequate supply of milk, a ton of support, no issues at all and THEN decided that you wanted to formula feed for convenience - as this is the ONLY way that I think it is actually a *choice* then seriously. OWN YOUR CHOICE - and don't feel guilty or defensive because it was YOUR CHOICE.


And moms that tried to breastfeed but could not for whatever reason. Get angry at the medical professionals who failed you. Get angry at your genetics. Get angry at our society for not supporting you. Get angry at the formula companies that undermined you at every turn… but STOP taking it out on other mothers who tried and for whatever reason were lucky at it. Praise them. Look up to them…you wanted to breastfed right? you tried right?? so why the hate for those who made it? 


Stop with the judgement, the name calling and defensiveness…if you want support, start giving it. 




ps. before you start to throw mud at me - my first born was formula fed - and guess what?? He is not *fine*. He has allergies, sleeping issues, and hyperactivity tendencies…. hmmm…the anecdotal evidence didn't work there did it? 

You know you are a mother when….

Today was one of those days. The days that just keep kicking you even when you are down.
It started when I decided (for the first time in 3 weeks) to go to bed early. My littlest still sleeps in the family bed, so I happily climbed in all ready to get some much needed sleep - when he woke up.
He sometimes wakes for a couple minutes, so I patted him down and he fell back asleep.

And then woke up. Again, and again, and again. He woke up every hour from 11pm to 5am… He is night weaned and has been sleeping through the night for months (at 23 months old). It was a rough night!!

But, we mothers can function on very little sleep so I got up and went about my day. I let my middle child pour the milk for his cereal (training him to do it himself) and he spilled the whole thing…It was okay - no need to cry over spilt milk - but my cleaning list started to grow from that point.

We went to feed our fish. Three little guppies that we were growing attached to - and of course, "why is that one upside down??" and of course it *had* to be K's as he is the most sensitive one. Lots of talking and lots of tears later, and lots of WHY questions… we said goodbye to the spotted one.

After the tragedy they were playing very nicely, little fights here and there, however they would not leave the kitchen and had me tripping over them time and time out. I was starting to get frustrated. I remembered that they seem to act out more on a weekend when dad is not home - so I sucked it up, and found them work to do.

I decided to send them outside to play so that I could finish the kitchen. Just as I put my youngest in his snow gear he pooped. I picked him up and went upstairs to change him (of course I had just run out of diaper liners - and so now my cleaning list grew some more as this particular cloth diaper needed some TLC.

As I was putting a freshly clean cloth diper on his bum, my middle child came in the room. I asked him if he went pee (as he was entering the bathroom as I headed up the stairs). He said, yes that he had gone pee. But that he wanted to be like E. (the youngest). I asked him - how so? He told me that he pooped in his pants. He is 4. Has been potty trained for a year. I said, you want to poop in your pants? He replied, no I pooped in my pants to be like E.

I would like to say that I stayed calm, but I was pretty irritated that he would purposefully poop in his pants (adding more to the cleaning list). I took him to the bathroom and sure enough a kid sized poop was in his pants. I put him on the potty and left the room…taking a parent time out. (He finished on the potty and I praised and smiled…and the grumbled to myself while cleaning now the potty and the pants.)

They went outside. The day continued. They came back in. Wanted to paint.

We painted. They made a collosial mess… paint on the floor and the walls… apparently they like to wave their hands a lot when excited.

Cleaned up, went downstairs - ate popcorn, watched a movie. (emotionally scarred R - the middle - UP is too intense for him.)

Left the TV on for 15 mins while I re-heated the pizzas in the oven and came down to E - sleeping at 6:30pm… 7 was usually his bedtime, and I panicked. Not wanting him to miss dinner and not wanting to be up all night - I woke him…..he didnt eat dinner anyway….

Bed for the big two at 8pm….E didnt go down until 10pm… that cat nap sure gave him a second wind.

Just as I got E to sleep, K - the big one, calls me into his room.. I walk in and he goes, "mom, my neck feels funny." I say, "oh?" and walk over to feel it. Not a moment after my hand is on his neck he starts to gag and projectiles in my direction. I pick up the closest thing to me - which is a basket - and he fills it with regurgetated popcorn and pizza. I gag, he gags again and continues.

After he is done, I carry him to the bathroom and place him on the toilet. I go and strip his bed (look more cleaning!!) and thow it in the wash. I look at the basket.

It's a wicker basket that I use to collect their toys that they leave in my living room. It sits on my stairs and then at the end of the day is brought up into their rooms to empty….so this one - full of puke - also had ALL of the toys that he loves the MOST!

I take the basket into the bathroom dump it in the sink - fill the sink with water and gag - and gag- and gag - and start to *fish* out Lego Minifigures…. Luke, Darth Vader, and Ninjagos and floating in stomach contents.

It is in that moment that I think about how *only* a mom would do this. No one else would sift through vomit to save beloved toys. And as he sat on the toilet he kept asking in a panicked voice - "you are not losing them down the drain are you??"

I wish that was the end - but it is not…he puked again…and I had to strip the bed again, and throw stuff in the wash again - and as I write this I can hear him retching…..it is going to be a long long long night….

Sigh. (but this *is* my job.)

Sanctimommy

When most people post about Sanctimommies they are talking about me.

Someone who Co-Sleeps (doesnt CIO), Babywears (every day all day), Births at Home, Breastfeeds well into toddlerhood, delayed or selective Vaccination, eats Organic. (or as organic as I can do at the moment), Homeschools (oooh..that is a new one!) etc. etc. etc. etc.

Oh wait! And the pinnicle is that they tell other people about thier way of life.... guilty.

But here is the thing. I dont really care if you used CIO, wear a Bjorn or use a Stroller, Fed Formula because you think that it is better than Breastmilk. I dont care if you had an Elective C-Section, Vaccinated right on Schedule or Eat at McDonalds every other week. I honestly do not care nor wish to change your mind if you are happy for all the decisions that you have made while rearing your young child. Honestly.

It does not affect me or my family.

I can say that with my hand on my heart. We are all different people who do things for different reasons, I don't judge you, and you don't judge me....right?

Wait...well maybe I do judge...because there is ONE thing...one itty bitty thing that makes me want to run up to another parent and slap them accross the face with thier own childs hand....you want to know what it is?? Something that DOES affect me and my family....

RESPECT!

I have been to MANY MANY a playground this summer, at all times of the day and I have noticed (and so have my kids) a growing populace of young tweens (8-15 yrs of age) at the playground alone (and you Free Rangers would LOVE this), but its not all make believe and fun play.

Its blatent, hurtful, un called for Bullying.

"I am going to kill you if you touch the swing"

"I am going to hit you if you go on the slide"

"EWWW! You kissed your brother! You are GAY!"

"I don't like you"

"I am not going to play with you"

Screaming, "Its our Ball, Get OVER it!!" to a 3 year old....

and then when confronted, by this overzealous sanctimommy, "That is RUDE. You will NOT talk to my children in that manner." I get, sheepish, "sorrys" and "I was only jokings"

So moms. There it is.

Teach your kid some RESPECT and all will be right with the world.

A Penny in Hand...and Mouth

I almost lost my baby to a penny. One cent. A worthless, useless, peice of copper (and lead) that my older child(ren) had left on the floor. You know the saying, "Find a penny, pick it up and all day you will have good luck."

No. Not at all.

I saw the baby had something in his mouth. (as he always does), and was aruging with my older two to stay in bed, as they had gotten out for the millionth time. (which they also do when daddy is not home).

I slammed the door, told them to stay in bed, and put the baby on the floor to change his bum.

As I was changing him, I remembered about the item in his mouth which I thought was LEGO; since we have a TON of that laying around the house.

He looked at me and giggled as I lifted him up to remove the object, at that moment he laughed and choked. I panicked.

I could hear that it has gotten stuck, so I put him across my knees and did the back blows that I was taught by my husband when a child is choking. No use. He just kept coughing and crying. I thought at least it wasnt in his airway.

I called my husband and asked what to do, and then got a lecture from a very irate firefighter/paramedic that told me that he could not assess our son as he was over the phone. So I hung up and called our 24 hour health service.

At this time the baby had stopped crying, but my mommy gut was still going off. As I explained all the symptoms to the nurse, drooling, not nursing, not eating etc... she asked me to give him a sip of water, which I did and caused him to go into fits of coughing again.

She told me to drive to the closest hospital immideately. (I should have called the ambulance at this point).

I called my mom to come over and watch the other two children and got dressed, me and the baby (as we had been in pjs), and while I was putting him into his car seat my mom pulled in.

I got in the car and sped the whole way (yes, not safe) to the hospital.

As I was driving I could hear him struglling, and gurgling, so I started to panic. It took me 15 minutes to get there from my house... (it usually takes more like 25).

I pulled into short term parking, looked at the pay meter, decided to check on the baby first...I opened the van door and he was covered in drool and vomit. It was like he was foaming at the mouth. (a sign of airway obstruction).

He did not look good.

I decided to skip the payment for parking and RAN him into the ER. Right up to the front. Waited 2 minutes while they were doing paperwork, and then was called to the window.

As soon as I got there I started bawling.

I explained what had happened and they took him into the back. As soon as we got a bed the tirage nurse called a code and 2 doctors and 3 nurses came running in.

I lost it. I felt like the worst mother of the year. So mad at myself for not being more vigalent about toys on the floor.

They gave him an Xray and stabilzed him. (apparently if he was on his back or on an incline - like a car seat, it exacerbated the problem).

I was shocked when I saw it was a coin.

Wedged in the collarbone area, side ways. So he could breathe when upright but not able to drink, or eat.

I was told to grab my car seat out of the van and then we were transported to the Children's hospital in the area by Ambulance, lights and sirens.

Once we got there we got a room in the ER and waited until 4 am for a bed to open up. He was not allowed to eat or drink so I kept him in the sling (Thank Goodness I Brought the Sling!!) which made him think it was nap time.

We were told that we had a bed and so we went up and I was shown a bed....for him.

Which makes sense. But we are cosleepers, and there was NO way that he would ever sleep in a crib for the first time in a hospital!

So we slept in a chair.

The things we do for our kids. I slept sideways with my feet over the edge. They were so numb when I woke up an hour later that I thought about calling a nurse!

We waited for 12 hours in all for day surgery.

They took him from me and put him out and then used an endoscope and a pair of itty bitty forcepts to take the offending penny out. The whole procedure was less than an hour.

But the LONGEST hour of my life so far.

After he woke up he nursed and we had to wait an hour to get discharged.

We (my mom who had come to be with me for the surgery) drove back to the first hospital where my van was (no ticket!!) and then I jumped out and drove it home.

I am keeping the penny forever. I am going to make it into a peice of jewlery.

A friend of mine stayed with my older boys to help out, and we had many people ask how we were doing.

He was fine, no worse for wear. Happy as a clam at the hospital, with me, snuggled in my sling. I on the other hand was an emotional wreck and now hyper sensitive to anything on my floor.

I guess that is what happens when a penny almost takes your child away from you....it also readjusts your priorities, and the way that you look at things in life.

How something so small, so useless, so worthless could have *killed* my son. Taken him away from me forever.

ps. a penny is as corosive as a battery when in the human body. THROW your pennys AWAY!!

pps. ALL of the health care personelle were amazing. All of them. So understanding, supportive and caring. For such a horrible incident for me and my family they made it feel better. I will be forever grateful to the men and women who worked in both ER's, surgery and Patient Transfer forever.

End of an Era.

A couple of days ago my favourite parenting magazine Mothering said that it could no longer sustain the magazine portion of their business and that they are going to go towards an information/web only form of publication.

I was shocked. Mothering has been around since the late 70's! I could not believe that such an important part of my information gathering was going to be no more. I give out these magazines to clients and to friends who have babies and so I am sad that this part of the company will be no more. I love the realness of a magazine, the smell, the feel and the fact that I can stash them just about everywhere. I will have to guard my back issues that much more carefully. :)

I have been thinking alot on why this has happened. Of course the American economy is partly to blame, and they could have too much staff or what have you. But I think the real reason is because they are no longer a "Fringe" magazine.

Let me explain. For many many years Mothering has been accepted by one type of person. Your super crunchy attachment parent. (of course Natural Family Living as well). So you had one type of subscriber that would pay $30 or more (which is almost double than other "mainstream" parenting mags) because they wanted to feel that others felt the same way.

After 2005, "AP" became more "mainstream". I used to be on a parenting support forum that really was a proponent of Crying it Out, or smacking, or yelling and all out "seen but not heard" children. I went back again to see what their thoughts were, just because I was curious, and instead they were talking about their favourite slings, cloth diapers, sleeping in the same bed as the baby, and nursing well past a year.

I was kinda thrown.

But it's true. Attachment parenting principals are becoming more widely used. Mostly because parents are listening to their guts and not the textbook, or the doctor, or their mom, or whoever...just themselves.

And so with this "trend" mainstream magazines are more likely to print about safe ways to sleep with your baby, how to breastfeed, and what sling is the most awesome....and that takes market share away from Mothering as you can get 24 issues of Todays Parent for $1! (which is way cheaper...)

In a way, they kind of helped to make themselves obsolete.....and I am not sure if that is good or bad in the end.

Younger and Wiser?

I was just looking at a bunch of my favourite Bloggers the other day PhD in Parenting, CodeName Mama, The Feminist Breeder and Christie Haskell on the Stir. All pretty much blog about my "type" of parenting. I think their blogs are wonderfully informative and I forward them often to friends on Facebook.

I was noticing today, as they have all posted about their own families recently, that not one of them has a child *over* 6. (PhD in Parenting's son is the oldest and born in 2004)

What is up with that?

It's a theme that has been following me for a while and just now rearing it's ugly head in my Blogreel. My child is older than the children of a lot of the parents that I go to for advice.

I really don;t think that this is intentional...I follow blogs because I am a techy. I have had this particular blog since I was pregnant with my first (way back in 2004/2005) because I was looking for somewhere that I could share the milestones of pregnancy with friends (since I was the first to get preggo - well... second).

Some would say that maybe it is because Blogging is so new. Well, that is kinda true but there are bloggers of teenagers out there..they just don't blog about "parenting" and more about "life" or school/food/crafts/cakes/etc. etc.

Others would say that it is because "Attachment Parenting" or "instinctual parenting" or what ever you want to call it, is new....and it really isnt. Dr.Sears came out with his first books in the late 70's early 80's...and my own mother breastfed and co-slept with ALL her kids until they were 2. (not to mention sharing feelings, gentle discipline...the whole deal (pssst. she was also a TEEN mom - does that shock you?! :P )

I feel that when I read these posts of my favourite bloggers I get more of a sense of validation...that yes, I have been saying that all along, or hey, I blogged about that 3 years ago, or just wait until your child is 4....

What I would love is to read a blog by a mother who parents like I do, but has children that are OLDER than mine. I want to see what she would have done *differently* so that I can maybe change some of the things that I do in my life.

When everyone is going through the same thing, it is great to commiserate, but you don't learn as much as listening to someone who has already *been* at that stage and survived to tell the tale.

What do you think? Do you follow any "AP" blogs that feature parents who have older kids????

Screw the Books

As some of you may know I have been in this parenting journey for 5 years. Funny enough 5 years seems like a lifetime. Working with parents I am exposed to a lot of mommy judgement, not directed at me in particular but listening to moms conversations when I am setting up or taking down a class, trade fair, event etc.

And every single year new moms put their feet so far up their butts it is not even funny. They talk and gossip about how so-and -so and her kid is so this or so that. How the kid will be messed up, and how they will NEVER do that....

I know, I know! I did it too!! This is the sad part. We are so disconnected with our community that we don't even know it!! Imagine if you became friends with moms before you were pregnant...if we had an opportunity to learn rather than judge?

When I had my first son I had to run into a local baby store to grab a soother clip or something and left him in the car with my husband...he was 3 0r 4 months old. In the store there were these two moms having a conversation, one was holding her baby and the other had her (7 to 9 month old) baby sitting/crawling on the floor.

I can't tell you how disgusted I was. I mean that baby was on the dirty store floor!!! Gross.....laughable isnt it?!

My children would NEVER go on a gross floor like that....oh yes they would! And later when I had my third he would eat cheerios of said gross floor if it meant I could make a purchase with both hands!

The Feminist Breeder wrote a post recently about this phenomena. It's so true, each generation of mothers sits upon her high horse if only for a moment to be kicked off by her kid...maybe not kid #1, or #2 but at some point she will.

Reading every parenting book and following every class and doing everything that the "experts" say will NOT make your kids any less fucked up than they are going to be. It will just make you feel more depressed that you are doing it all *wrong*.

YOU ARE NOT DOING IT WRONG.

Barely Making It? Change it up.

I have talked before how it irritates me when people say "I don't know how you do it" in regards to single parenting 85% of the time. My response is always "Not well!" Today was sure one of those examples!

My lovely sister came over last night to watch my children for me so that I could go on a much needed Moms Night Out. (which I enjoyed immensely) When I came home we decided to stay up and have some girl time. I stayed up WAY too late! 2 am is not okay for moms of 3 kids. I felt sick in the morning. (and I didn't get my latte, so that makes me grouchy as well). She helped me put together some furniture (IKEA), and then went back to her life...and I back to mine.

There is something about lack of sleep and lack of latte that makes children's fighting and whining that much more hard to take, and makes me a much worse parent. I was yelling and screaming and sending kids to their rooms because *I* was having the tantrum.

It's interesting how just that little bit of extra sleep can really change the tone of the day. Also, how when I lose control it just reinforces the behaviours that I don't really like to see in them...but they are just copying the way that I react when I am having a tough go.

Weekends have always been the toughest in any case because being alone with no adult interaction really drains on me. But I have said this before. I really feel that being a parent that tries to be present and aware of my kids feelings etc, sets me up for a little bit more failure because the expectations of my self are much higher than they could be.

I try not to speed through the day because I don't want to rush through their childhood, so I decided instead to sign them both up for a class. It's a sports class right in the middle of the day. So we get out, change the routine and make the day better.

After our class we visited Starbucks and got hot chocolates, and my latte... we then came home and watched a movie together, dinner then bedtime....and the hope that tomorrow will be much better! :)

Confessions of a Lazy Mom

As of late I have seen many different blog posts and Facebook statuses of moms telling WHY they choose to do something one way or the other way. A lot of these posts pertain to the AP or "attachment parenting" way, or as it is now being called "instinctual", "intuitive" or "natural" way of raising children.

What gets my goat up is when these mommy bloggers extoll the virtues of their way, or that it is the "best" way of raising children....not that it is just a different way. I don't understand why they have to "defend" their position.

So, I have decided to come out of the closet and tell you how I started to "AP". It's because I am the laziest parent you will ever meet.

Breastfeeding : Which is easier?

1. Popping a boob into the mouth of a hungry 4 month old and going back to sleep, or

2. going to the store, finding formula, buying the right bottles,

sterilizing said bottles, walking down the hallway at 4am to mix the formula, feed the

baby, burb the baby and then have to wash the bottles and start all over again?

Having said all that, I did have to use bottles and formula for my first born as we had an uphill battle with establishing nursing for the first 6 months, but I can tell you that while nursing my 2nd and 3rd with no issues Breastfeeding is the easier choice. Convenient, less work, and way way more sleep.

CoSleeping/Bed Sharing : Which is easier?

1. Laying down with the baby when you get tired and nursing them to sleep and falling asleep yourself, and when they wake up, pulling them close and popping said boob...or

2. Rocking, shushing, bouncing, nursing, to sleep, trying to transfer, having them wake up 20 mins later to start all over again, waking in the middle of the night, having to get out of bed and walk down the hallway to get the baby to sleep and then come back to your own bed exhaused to start all over again an hour later?

I absolutely started bedsharing with my kids because I did not want to have to walk down the hallway and go and get them. It was so much easier for me just to roll over, comfort them and go back to sleep. Sure there is a safe way of cosleeping and of course I need to highlight it, and funny enough people who do feed children formula should not...but for me and the fact that I was nursing through the night, it saved me HOURS of sleep. This was not at all about lowering the risk of SIDS, about regulating body temperature, or for bonding...it was all because I am way to lazy to get out of bed in the middle of the night.

Babywearing: Which is easier?

1. Having a baby content and sleeping on you or

2. Holding your baby all day until your arms feel like they are going to drop off, or trying to get the baby calm and then putting them down, only to have them cry and have to pick them up and do this over and over and over again, or have to buy so many batteries for all the devices that they now make to give us some reprieve for our sore arms?

I think I became a babywearer the first time I tried to pee while holding my son. It's true. He had fallen asleep while nursing and I didnt want him to wake up when I tried to transfer him so I thought, how hard can it be to pee holding something that weighs 10lbs? HARD. Getting my pants around my ankles wasn't the hard part, it was pulling them back up...with one hand...and dont even get me started on the button. I know, I know, too much information...but seriously, it was the hardest thing ever. Put that baby in a wrap however (mind the tails) and you can do ANYTHING! Anything. With two hands the possibilities are endless!! You can eat steak!! You can cut it yourself!! (I also babywear with wraps because they are cute...but that is another blog post.)

There are many more things that I do because of my laziness...but that is for another day. (the kids are bugging me to play!!) :)

A Conundrum

When I was first a new parent 5.5years ago, I parented with my gut and agonized over the "type" of parent that I wanted to be. I had been given Babywise as a gift while pregnant and the whole book rubbed me the wrong way. I happened to stumble upon an ad for a online parenting group that called themselves "Attachment Parents" but really thought nothing of the term, because I thought that all parents were "attachment parents"...didn't we all want to be attached to our kids?

And really, all that I was looking for were people to connect with because as a 24 year old University student I had absolutley NO friends with kids....ok not entirely true because my best friend had a baby just out of highschool but she lives in another province.

So there I was looking for people to go on playdates with. So I joined this group and started asking questions and posting, and finding myself pretty mainstream and not entirely supported by this group. They had their ways and apparently I was not crunchy enough. I made some good connections and the women were really nice people, just a lot of them were at least 5 to 10 years my senior and were pretty black and white when it came to what was acceptable and what wasn't.

So I joined another local pay for service forum to find more people to bond with, meanwhile I was still having issues breastfeeding and finding no support what so ever, other than the LLL. So I joined this other group and it was way more mainstream, but the parents were even older and the kids were all older too, and I felt like an even bigger outsider.

A couple moms posted asking questions about Crying-It-Out and I posted links to articles and blogs that I had gotten...but really I had no idea because who would really leave their child to cry? I mean really? My baby was a great sleeper and I could sleep with him and he could breastfeed while I was sleeping so really, what was wrong with them.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't get flamed. At the time it pissed me off so badly because all these women got so much support for CIO or ignoring their babies and I was the one being told that I lived in fairy tale land.

I left that group, and coincidentally met a really good friend of mine at a LLL meeting. I gave the AP group a second chance and started recruiting. I have met many many inspiring women throughout my time with them...I have also met women that make me want to put my head through the wall...but that is life!

I became a really strong advocate for cosleeping, and/or responding to your baby...but more importantly *listening to your own gut*.

Sure mother to mother support is paramount, and we need tribes to keep us sane, but at the same time we have to be aware of the decisions that we make and how they affect us and own own families. Cosleeping doesn't work for everyone. It works for me, but I am one person in a city of one million.

I have found often in my years of being a "attachment parent" that this type of parent is too smart.

Let me try to explain...it's like smart and neurotic, but somewhat insecure. I am not excluding myself from this evaluation. I came to this conclusion when I was picking my oldest up from school and was explaining to one of the moms how much I loved Alfie Kohn. She did not have a clue who I was talking about. She said that she wasn't really into parenting books and did most of her parenting by instinct.

This is exactly my point. I was the moderator of the AP group of my city for 3.5 years and in that time I read every single questionnaire. "What is Attachment Parenting to you?" and almost every single answer was "I didn't know that what I was doing had a name until I *read* about it somewhere."

So back to being way too smart and neurotic...Attachment Parents are researchers. They research the hell out of something to find the appropriate answer. Textbooks, parenting books, expert advice, emails, forums and websites, blogs, all searching for what an "AP" parent would do in that particular situation....but the kicker is that no one actually knows because AP is not something you do, it is something you are.

Most people follow Dr. Sears Baby B's...but I have said before and I will say it again...do you really think he did all those? He was on tour making money. Bottom line. He had 8 kids to feed. It was Martha who really knows...but then she only knows how to parent *her* own kids.

So back to the CIO and the rest of the rules etc. We as "AP'ers" try to hold ourselves to some higher standard that our "mainstream" counterparts. I was right to get flamed by all those women. They were older and wiser and had learned more about parenting than I had in the 18 mos that I was a parent of one pretty easy boy.

But what happens in the AP community, I am noticing is that new moms come in trying to find out what constitutes AP and how to assimilate into the community but only have parents of children that are maybe 2 to 4 years older than their own children to gather information from. And you have your die hards that live on another level, or your super "natural/green" parents that follow another sect, and so the new mommies think that this is the norm that these are the parents that they have to look up to...when really in real life they are nothing like the posts and chats that they answer.

Really. Who is going to actually say that they did something that is not AP on an AP forum. NO ONE. Because people are so afraid of losing their community or tribe or what have you.

So they form little separate groups with other moms of kids the same age and get together in real life and find out that it's okay to dislike your child somedays, and that makes you human.

But this doesn't help the community as a whole because those secret conversations are not shared with all the new mommies that are looking for support.

It seems to me to be a real conundrum.

People are not completely honest for fear of being judged by those who are afraid of being judged themselves. All because some "expert" wants to make money by selling a book, and tours and an endorsed "arms reach cosleeper."

So, in closing to this incredibly long winded blog post...I am going to post the things that I hate about myself and how I parent...a confessions post (which we used to do in the AP group long ago) to let others see just how human I am.