He and ADHD

My son was diagnosed with ADHD.

Lego Ninjago

How many times have you read that? Many I suppose. It's not like it is some new age diagnosis that has been over diagnosed by pediatricians that have no idea what they are really talking about since it is a brain thing - and not a body thing - or is it both?

The point is that yes, many kids have it.

It's not a death sentence. Its not something that can be cured. It's not something that needs to be worn on the sleeve if his shirt to let everyone know that hey, he may be a little different. It's not an excuse for bad behaviour. It's not an excuse for any behaviour at all.

It's the way he thinks. It's in his DNA. In his brain chemistry. And yes, some if the behaviours that are symptoms can be hard to deal with for me. But they are also hard for him. He doesn't think like me. He doesn't understand some social cues. He doesn't understand personal space. He doesn't understand why his playing really loudly can sometimes cause adults to be irritated - he doesn't realize that he is doing it. And he isn't doing it on purpose.

I can tell him a million times that he needs to "be quiet" or that he must "calm down" or "stop moving" but that isn't going to make him stop. It will just make me more frustrated. It will also hurt his self esteem. But I will still do it. I am only human. 

Loves to Learn! 

The worst part about ADHD is that these kids are smart. Not just book smart, but smart beyond their years. They are creative, and think outside the box. They are leaders, forward thinkers and trail blazers. They take risks. (this may be because they lack the executive functioning not to think about risk, before they take them... But this is beside the point.)

The reason why this is bad is because you, the parent, the teacher, the adult can forget so quickly that these children are different and your expectations of them will be off. You will expect more of them than needs to be expected - and that isn't fair to him and it certainly isn't fair to you.
But life isn't fair. 

The best thing I can do is educate myself and continue to ask questions. Try to view the world from his eyes. Try to remind myself daily that he isn't like his brothers and to stop comparing them. To see them as individuals with different strengths and weaknesses - not better nor different - but unique to them. 

Inquisitive

It has taken me a long time to write this post. We knew that he was a challenge when he was younger and had flags go up as he progressed in school. Why such a bright kid was having so many problems, we knew it was coming. I didn't want to know - and even now am wary of the diagnosis as it is a label..and who really wants the label good or bad or indifferent? 

But I need to own it. To be an advocate for him and for our whole family. To learn and share my knowledge to other families going through the same thing but maybe not as vocal as me.. (who is) who maybe don't have the same background as me and maybe don't know what questions to ask. 

I struggled when they gave me the 12 page report that outlined all the tests and issues and suggestions and considerations about my son. But you know what? Its just a piece of paper. He is who he is for a reason. It is my job as his mom to give him the tools to be the best that he can be just by being himself.
                                                

I love this boy!!

**update Aug 31 - After writing my blog I recieved some comments and so I decided to compose a Vlog for you. (sorry for the lighting and the crappy quality - working on it)

Formula vs Breastfeeding : A rant

This is an response to Breast Feeding vs Formula : A Rant. 


I am getting so tired of this. Blog after blog after blog of formula feeding moms that have to set the record straight about how they feel persecuted by the breastfeeding police. That they were somehow judged somewhere and some how by some horrible LLL leader or "breastfeeding Nazi". (btw - this term is horribly offensive and disrespectful to the people who have survived the holocaust and those affected by it. - more on that later.)


Why is it that when a mom asks for support or encouragement for breastfeeding issues she gets an onslaught of
             
I went through this and eventually had to switch to formula, with both babies, it was very discouraging and I felt like a failure, but sometimes our bodies just can't give our babies what they need. YOu obviously are trying and love your baby and that's what is most important. Keep on trying and if it doesn't work out, know that you tried everything you could, you are still a great mom who wants what's best for your baby!


I have been to various lactation consultants and the LaLeche League. I hate to say this but I found LLL a little judgmental. One of the ladies there told me it's a urban myth that a woman can't produce enough milk. That I just was not committed enough. At that point I decided to try and go it myself. I don't feel like anyone should be judged for the choices they make and are already struggling with on a daily basis.


I know how you are feeling...people make you feel so guilty. My body did not produce enough milk for my Son and I had to supplement since he was losing weight. I found it so exhausting, breastfeeding, then the bottle, then pumping. Then it was time to feed again. At 7 weeks my husband finally said while I was pumping and getting nothing, "Don't feel guilty if you want to stop" After I stopped I enjoyed being a new Mom so much more. My Son is almost 2 now and is a happy healthy boy!


Each one of these posts says that they tried and were *unsuccessful* at breastfeeding. Each one. So, how is that encouraging to the mom asking the question? 


I bring this up because there seems to be a real double standard when it comes to formula feeding moms and moms who use breastmilk.  Now I would argue along with The Feminist Breeder that formula feeding is not necessarily a "choice"… but lets argue for a moment that you think it is. One *chooses* to feed formula and one *chooses* to feed breastmilk. Okay. Now, why is it that when ever there is a question on breastfeeding it is taken as an excuse to explain how hard it is and how formula *saved the baby's life* but a breastfeeding mom can't be proud of her accomplishment? Does that somehow make her judgemental of a formula feeding mom? Just because she succeeded at getting milk to come out of her breasts?? 


Another question was posed on Today Moms facebook page asking about how long people had exclusively breastfed for, and what helped them, and what could have helped them even more…. the responses again were not very supportive of breastfeeding…. 


Some babies just don't take to it well and at the end of the day the health and well-being of your child should be more important than you being able to say you exclusively breastfed.



Nothing would have helped. I never lactated at all, not even colostrum. Fortunately, I didn't have any stupid hang ups about it and happily gave my kids formula.


I really wanted to breast feed but from day one my daughter wasn't having it. Pumping is just not the same and doesn't produce milk the same way if that's all your doing. I pumped for about two months then went all the way to formula.


 I did it for 3 months. Never had enough due to death threatening complications when I had my daughter. So I'm VERY thankful for bottles and "the fake powder stuff" like Amy calls it. Two centuries ago my daughter and I would've been dead if it not were for the advancements in medicine.


Are we noticing a trend yet?? 


And then to the Blog in question. This particular blog was written in response to a twitter party with a formula manufacturer giving away free swag being shut down because they were afraid of the backlash from the "lactivist" community. (doesn't that say something right there? The formula company cancelled it on their own because they were afraid of what exactly??)


Anyway, this mom, felt the need to post because she felt that the moms who *choose* formula should get free swag too. (and sure, yes they should). But, the thing is that formula companies are horrible in their marketing practices and they don't really care about you once they have gotten you - I mean just look at the recalls…. they want that NEW mom. That mom who is struggling and LOOKING for SUPPORT - and then they swoop in on their white horse and give her a free sample and *save her baby's life*. 


How is that ethical? 


And so blog posts standing up for the *choice* of formula and saying things like - "You don’t think it crosses our mind that, if it weren’t for formula, our babies would die? Do you think that feels good?"  …are just lining the pockets of the food giants.


What about milk sharing, or milk banks?? (but that is another post entirely).


So when a mom who is really only invested in the health and wellness of another mother and child - mental health as well, has NO ulterior motive…no bottom line…they get mud slung at them - 


unfreakingbelievable. Seriously? And what would these breast milk nazis have done for MY children, when my breast milk didn't contain enough fatty nutrition and I was forced to use formula so that my kids didn't starve to death? When the hell will self righteous bitches learn to mind their own damn business, take care of their own brats as opposed to telling us how to take care of ours? I'm with you on this one, T. This is god damn INFURIATING.



What is infuriating to me is that it seems like if you formula feed you can pretty much say whatever you want and not really get held accountable. You can call activists "Nazis" and it is socially acceptable… You can make a societal issue all about you and not really understand the politics and money behind the issue and blame it all on judgement. 


Basically, you can run your mouth about support and judgement and then turn around and do the EXACT same thing to a mom who is wanting to or actually breastfeeding…. 


Why can we not see the hypocrisy here and why do we allow it to continue?? 


If you truly *chose* to formula feed. i.e.) had an adequate supply of milk, a ton of support, no issues at all and THEN decided that you wanted to formula feed for convenience - as this is the ONLY way that I think it is actually a *choice* then seriously. OWN YOUR CHOICE - and don't feel guilty or defensive because it was YOUR CHOICE.


And moms that tried to breastfeed but could not for whatever reason. Get angry at the medical professionals who failed you. Get angry at your genetics. Get angry at our society for not supporting you. Get angry at the formula companies that undermined you at every turn… but STOP taking it out on other mothers who tried and for whatever reason were lucky at it. Praise them. Look up to them…you wanted to breastfed right? you tried right?? so why the hate for those who made it? 


Stop with the judgement, the name calling and defensiveness…if you want support, start giving it. 




ps. before you start to throw mud at me - my first born was formula fed - and guess what?? He is not *fine*. He has allergies, sleeping issues, and hyperactivity tendencies…. hmmm…the anecdotal evidence didn't work there did it? 

Freak of Nature.

When I would go out with my first I would secretly hope that people would look at me and think how cute my baby was. I really did. I loved getting those smiles that people give you when they see you with your first baby. Of course, they could have been secretly thinking, "hahaha! She doesn't know what she is in for!" But, I think for the most part people just like seeing babies.

After I became pregnant with my second, I would hope the same. I would hold my 2/3 year olds hand and then have the baby in my carrier of choice. We would walk and people would say, "oh, what sweet boys you have..." I really enjoyed just going out with the two of them and walking wherever we needed to go, taking our time and being our silly selves.

I didn't think that it would change. As my brood got bigger I thought that people would still give me that smile and say how precious my kids were. They didn't change, so why would I think that the interaction with people would?

But it did. I wrote about it in this post and this post. It were these outings that made me feel like a freak of nature with all of my kids. And the sad thing is that I only have 3. Many people I know have 4 or even more. I dread going out with them. I feel like everyone is looking at me, and maybe it is all in my head, but I can't handle the judgement. I just don't have the confidence to put up with it.

Sometimes I get the nerve to try go out again with all 3 because I need something that can't wait until the husband comes home. But inevitably every time that I do, fate steps in and shows me that I am a fool to think that anything should really go my way.

For example. We went to the grocery store (ahh the grocery store land of judgement galore) and I had both my kids in the "car cart" and the baby in the wrap (tied loosely because he was nursing). The 3 year old started acting out and standing on his seat, I warned him that I was going to buckle him in..he ignored me. So I calmly leaned over and put the strap on...the baby started fussing because he was being compressed by me bending over (but it would take a SECOND to snap the strap and we could go) and all of a sudden this old lady (70's) came over yelling, "HIS HEAD!! HIS HEAD!! YOU ARE SQUISHING THE BABY'S HEAD!!!" and I was...a bit...(it really wasnt that bad.)

Anyway, the WHOLE aisle then decided to look at this freak wearing this long piece of cloth tied to her squishing her baby, and her two other children crying and whining.....I wanted to crawl in a hole...I thanked the lady, said he was fine, and left.

I go to that particular store often, and feel sad that it's things like that which make me afraid to go out.

It's almost like I feel ashamed to have 3 children. When I am around my friends I don't as like I said, many of us have more than one...but when in public and I have one child holding my left hand, and one child holding my right, and then the baby on the front, it just makes me feel uncomfortable.

ps. the picture is from Demi Bella which I am totally ordering from!

Someone must be listening.

I wrote my last post talking about the discrimination against boys and one of my fav Bloggers did the same here.

Here is my response to that blog post.

I am glad to see this post Annie, as I have been feeling this backlash for over 5 years. I am the mother of only boys, 3 of them to be exact…5yrs, 2yrs and an infant. I am really starting to resent people when I am out in public and get insensitive comments directed at me and my boys. (Are you going for a girl? Did you want a girl? Hopefully one of your sons will be gay…and so on. Do people not think that perhaps I am happy with my boys?!)
I want to preface by saying that I was in woman’s studies in university and considered myself to be a feminist…now, I am just getting tired of the reverse discrimination against my kids and feel resentful towards the woman that try so hard to make everything “equal”.
I really feel that my little boys get discriminated against because they are not girls, or should I say that they do not act like girls…you said it yourself “how can parents help their boys to be better citizens and people?” Who says that the are not already? Who says that the way a “girl” acts is the proper way to act? She may act like a girl stereotypically does, quiet, shy, listens, sits, etc…but that doesn’t mean that WE as Women/ Mothers need to enforce these codes of behaviour on our boys. I followed the link above provided by a commenter and it explained how to stop the gender gap…I want to ask all of you, WHY? Why do we have to act the same? Why can’t we embrace our femininity and let the boys embrace their masculinity? Why do we try and make our sons more empathetic, or sensitive or whatever emotion you wish to “create”? What gives us the right as WOMEN to try and TELL a man or in this case our son how he “should” act?
Is my brain wired the same way as his, science would tell me no. So why would he want to think like me, or is he even capable?
I think in our society we are trying to feminize boys and we don’t respect them enough to know that they will be who they are biologically.
Why is it that it is okay that a girl have Girl Scouts that are just for girls, but the boys are expected to share? Why can’t they learn just boy things?
I could go on forever on this topic, as I have started already, but I urge any woman with sons to read “The Wonder of Boys” by Michael Gurian. It explains that what boys really need is a tribe of their own, a place where they can just be “a guy” and they need a MALE mentor, and HE will show them the proper way to “act” like a “man”.

Reverse Discrimination

I run in many activist circles. I have friends that fight for the rights of animals, for the right to breastfeed wherever and whenever (including a swimming pool), for the right to allow women the choice to keep their child or to abort, for the right of the newborn male to keep his foreskin...but above all else these friends fight for the rights of women. It's safe to say that the majority of my friends are feminists. I get it, I am right there with them, I think women should have the same opportunities as men. I think that women should get to choose what is right and okay for their bodies and themselves. I think women should be valued for their intellect rather than their T and A. I took many a women's studies course in University...so why is it now that I have sons that I feel like I may be on an island all by myself?

The thing is that I notice that there is a lot of reverse discrimination when it comes to boys. Girls can pretty much play both gender roles with not much of a comment, but boys on the other hand are encouraged to be gender neutral to a point, but once they pass that point people get uncomfortable. A boy can have long hair, until he is school-aged and even then he will be called a girl many many times before he reaches that age. He can wear pink, but will get commented on for it. He can play with dolls etc, but he must also suck it up when he is upset, brush it off when he is hurt and pretend that he is fine when he gets insulted.

There was a recent post about what to say if a girl is wearing a bikini top, as if it some how makes her listen to "the man"...but what if a boy wore a bikini top....not so comfortable now is it?

And then there is the stuff that makes me personally irritated with society. We can have all of these classes and clubs that are co-ed. But, we cant have just boys clubs because women fought so hard to get acceptance into them...but on the other hand we have "women only" clubs that boys can not attend. (the biggest one being Boy Scouts Vs. Girl Scouts). When I brought this up to a couple friends about wanting my boys to have their own club, it was like I had spat in the face of feminism...when really I just wanted my boys to be able to do boy stuff....

Because really we ARE different. I feel like we are oppressing little boys for the sake of our feminism.

The Same, not Different

I have been listening to some of my friends and aquantinces about how difficult it is to raise boys, and all of the challenges that they face with their sons.

At first people suggest that it could be a variety of things, as kids are usually affected by many different environmental factors.

Food. The types, organic or non, dairy, food colouring, gluten, frequency of eating, or not eating for that matter.

Potty. Whether they go potty really affects the mood of kids. I know that mine get aggressive when they need to pee.

Energy. Too much sleep, not enough sleep, exercise, how much running do they need? The more energy they burn off the better it is for everyone involved. (hard in the winter)

There can also be many more things that we just don't know that affect boys and girls equally, development, environment, brain...etc.

I started thinking that perhaps that it may be because some of these moms have girls as well...

Let me explain. It's no secret that I believe that girls and boys are hardwired differently...so perhaps the mom expects her son to act a certain way and that he is such a handful because her daughter isn't?

I think this could be a real answer for some of these moms...I see them with both of their children, or all three, and see that the girls are talked to in a different manner. For example, "Hunny, can you please get your boots on" vs. "(Child's name) put your boots on."

It could be that the boy is harder to deal with and that he needs that direct-ness, but I dont think so.

I think that I have the benefit of seeing that both of my boys are equally challenging in their own ways and am better to just go with the flow than try to understand what is causing it. Just by listening to them and giving the opportunity to get angry and frustrated without me coming down on them allows them more time to process and then we get on with our day!

The right to bring kids.

I have kids, yes I do. Two of them in fact. Excitable, active, inquisitive children. One toddler, and one preschooler.

I have been noticing of late that we (my family and I) seem to be getting the shaft when it comes to family get togethers when the occur *outside* the home. It seems as though while the grandparents love and cherish their grandchildren they do not want to see them in public. Which some would say is understandable.

While I do agree that there are certain things that children should not be invited to as a wedding, a funeral and the like, a family dinner, a graduation dinner, a birthday dinner are all things that they SHOULD.

Now, it could just be that I feel like this because I feel not being invited to said events is like discrimination. Discrimination for having children. Like Joey's Tomatoes who just dont have a kids menu, and good luck finding a high chair.

So maybe it is because the grandparents dont want to eat at Boston Pizza, that could be a reasonable explanation. I would take that explanation. I would understand that eating out with small children can be annoying. I get it.

However, to invite the other siblings, the ones that *dont* have children, or *choose* not to, is in my opinion just mean.

That is where the discrimination comes in.

If we were invited we would decline to go to fancy restaurants or try and get a sitter.

But we would need the invite first.