Mommy Judgement

I have been thinking a lot on mommy judgement as of late as a couple articles that have come out in the last couple days (one that I wrote) and another have caused quite a debate in the mommy world.

We speak about how when people know better they do better, and that everyone will find a way that works for their family, and how judgement fuels the mommy wars - and it does, but that doesn't mean that all moms need to stop judging.

Wait…did I just say that you *should* judge? Wasn't my last post all about *not* judging…am I contradicting myself? I would say no, because I personally believe that there are different kinds of judgement, and different degrees of how one should be judged.

Let me give you some examples.

I wrote an article on being a "sometimes" single parent. This is when mom or dad is out of town for work on a regular basis. It talked about coping techniques and how to keep your family whole when one is obviously missing. When I posted about it a couple friends of mine were completely insulted that I would write about being a single parent when I am not one. (but the article wasn't about that) I feel as if I was judged very harshly - without any real information gathered. Neither of them had actually read the article so they were just putting their perception of what they *thought* I had written and judged me for it.

This is not a nice way to judge moms.

Another would be judging a mom on how she goes about the day to day of raising her kids. Judging them on what they eat, what they wear or how they dress. We can also go into where the baby sleeps, what they do for a living etc. etc. These are normal judgments that run rampant in society - and really shouldnt matter. Every single person is judging you. Watching you. Looking at what you are doing. They are called snap judgments and to try and get people above this - especially when they are looking for connections (like in mommy groups) is almost impossible. Unless you are a devout spiritual person... I would say that everyone has these type of judgments.

As a side, these are the judgments that I fall prey to the most. I fret about how I look and how my kids look to the outside world on a regular basis…it is why there are brushes and wipes in my car at all times.

This isn't a nice way to judge people either but this one is more of a *perception* at any given moment people may or may not be actually judging you - and for the most part these are judgments that you have about yourself - remember my last post (own your choice).

The third judgement is where the second article landed on. A parent "expert" consistantly tells parents to let their children cry themselves to sleep and not check on them for extended periods of time from 2 months on.. (or 12lbs - which ever comes first). Anyway, she felt judged by parents who did not believe in her methods and other parents who use these methods also feel judged (albeit maybe having not used the extreme methods that she subscribes to).

Isn't this a good judgment? If someone is doing something that is harmful to another person, or preying on people when they are in a vulerable state…isnt this when we *should* judge?
To me advocating that an infant under 8 weeks should be left for 12 hrs at night with no exceptions is abuse…and so this expert in my opinion is teaching abuse. She should be judged.

The moms that follow her blindly should be as well. Then they should also get the support that they need.

I kind of liken it to Child Protective Services. Lets say you see a mom that is yelling at a baby. Some one under 6 months old. She is really loud, screaming at a defensless infant - in a food court - or maybe she tells you that she locks her child in the bathroom all night without supper until he poops in the potty (for hours on end), or that on Facebook you see that a mom says that she puts hot sauce on her toddlers mouth when he swears….. these are all reasons why CPS would be called…. but wait..is this judgement or is it looking out for someone who can not look out for themselves??

I believe it is the latter. Children need protection by the people in the society surrounding them. The society surrounding them uses judgement to assess whether a behaviour is acceptble or not.

So mommy's… there are three kinds of judgement; snap judgments, the judgement that you *percieve* (which may or may not actually be there) and the judgement that I hope that everyone does…every single day.

I know I do.


**added after being published - I also wanted to say that since I judge moms I expect judgement from moms as well. If I am harming my kids I *want* to be called on it. If we feel like everything we do as parents is not a regret - then we really *shouldn't* feel judgement - and have nothing to really worry about. IMO.

Sanctimommy

When most people post about Sanctimommies they are talking about me.

Someone who Co-Sleeps (doesnt CIO), Babywears (every day all day), Births at Home, Breastfeeds well into toddlerhood, delayed or selective Vaccination, eats Organic. (or as organic as I can do at the moment), Homeschools (oooh..that is a new one!) etc. etc. etc. etc.

Oh wait! And the pinnicle is that they tell other people about thier way of life.... guilty.

But here is the thing. I dont really care if you used CIO, wear a Bjorn or use a Stroller, Fed Formula because you think that it is better than Breastmilk. I dont care if you had an Elective C-Section, Vaccinated right on Schedule or Eat at McDonalds every other week. I honestly do not care nor wish to change your mind if you are happy for all the decisions that you have made while rearing your young child. Honestly.

It does not affect me or my family.

I can say that with my hand on my heart. We are all different people who do things for different reasons, I don't judge you, and you don't judge me....right?

Wait...well maybe I do judge...because there is ONE thing...one itty bitty thing that makes me want to run up to another parent and slap them accross the face with thier own childs hand....you want to know what it is?? Something that DOES affect me and my family....

RESPECT!

I have been to MANY MANY a playground this summer, at all times of the day and I have noticed (and so have my kids) a growing populace of young tweens (8-15 yrs of age) at the playground alone (and you Free Rangers would LOVE this), but its not all make believe and fun play.

Its blatent, hurtful, un called for Bullying.

"I am going to kill you if you touch the swing"

"I am going to hit you if you go on the slide"

"EWWW! You kissed your brother! You are GAY!"

"I don't like you"

"I am not going to play with you"

Screaming, "Its our Ball, Get OVER it!!" to a 3 year old....

and then when confronted, by this overzealous sanctimommy, "That is RUDE. You will NOT talk to my children in that manner." I get, sheepish, "sorrys" and "I was only jokings"

So moms. There it is.

Teach your kid some RESPECT and all will be right with the world.

Screw the Books

As some of you may know I have been in this parenting journey for 5 years. Funny enough 5 years seems like a lifetime. Working with parents I am exposed to a lot of mommy judgement, not directed at me in particular but listening to moms conversations when I am setting up or taking down a class, trade fair, event etc.

And every single year new moms put their feet so far up their butts it is not even funny. They talk and gossip about how so-and -so and her kid is so this or so that. How the kid will be messed up, and how they will NEVER do that....

I know, I know! I did it too!! This is the sad part. We are so disconnected with our community that we don't even know it!! Imagine if you became friends with moms before you were pregnant...if we had an opportunity to learn rather than judge?

When I had my first son I had to run into a local baby store to grab a soother clip or something and left him in the car with my husband...he was 3 0r 4 months old. In the store there were these two moms having a conversation, one was holding her baby and the other had her (7 to 9 month old) baby sitting/crawling on the floor.

I can't tell you how disgusted I was. I mean that baby was on the dirty store floor!!! Gross.....laughable isnt it?!

My children would NEVER go on a gross floor like that....oh yes they would! And later when I had my third he would eat cheerios of said gross floor if it meant I could make a purchase with both hands!

The Feminist Breeder wrote a post recently about this phenomena. It's so true, each generation of mothers sits upon her high horse if only for a moment to be kicked off by her kid...maybe not kid #1, or #2 but at some point she will.

Reading every parenting book and following every class and doing everything that the "experts" say will NOT make your kids any less fucked up than they are going to be. It will just make you feel more depressed that you are doing it all *wrong*.

YOU ARE NOT DOING IT WRONG.

Balancing Act

I am in the process of moving house and have moved in with my parents for the time being...one month...one long long month.

It's not my parents and I that have a difference of opinion, well that is not entirely true...

The main thing that I notice is that my siblings and my parents (to a lesser exent) get super irritated at my children. Mostly when they are acting like, well, children.

Kids are loud. My kids are incredibly loud. There are 3 of them all under 5. The 5 year old is talking non-stop, the 2 year old is making animal sounds, and the baby...well, he cries. :)

I just get this pressure to make them conform and I am just not that type of person. I want my kids to be kids. They are little. They shouldn't have to sit and eat all their dinner or stop running around or being absolutely quiet until 10am.

I feel incredible pressure that I am not doing it right, and I sometimes wonder about when we were in tribal setting how the village that raised the child didn't have these crazy expectations placed on the children.

I bet it was way less stressful.

Now don't get me wrong, I completely appreciate that my parents have opened their house to a family of 5 for 5 weeks...and yes, it is hard on everyone, and yes people have to make sacrifices for family...I get all of that. I just really feel like a huge outsider even when in my family of origin, and I never thought that I would feel that way. Not in a million years.

Yes, I am more laid back than my siblings. Yes, I let things slide. Yes, I am lazy at times. But I like the way that I am raising my kids, and I like that they don't have many expectations....does this mean that I am setting them up for failure?

Who knew moving back home would zap my self confidence?

Over Protection

It's no secret that I sometimes lose it when the kids are driving me bonkers. I raise my voice and say things that I shouldn't say.

It's funny that I can let myself get away with this bad behaviour but can't allow anyone else to; especially my husband.

It's not really fair. I am not sure why I hold him to a higher standard than myself. He has just as much of the stresses that I do, he works just as hard and he has just as many issues with the boys, but when he reacts just as I would I hold him more accountable.

Sometimes I feel that it may be because he is a man, and yes I know that is a total cop out...but I mean it in the way that he may be harder on his boys because society wants us to toughen them up. Meanwhile I am searching for why the child is acting out and making excuses for it.

*sigh*

Trying to Understand

I have been at my parents for a couple days while trying to keep my house clean. I am finding the boys incredibly hard to handle, the bigger one more than the little ones.

My parents commented that perhaps he has ADHD. Just because he doesnt respond to regular discipline. I started researching it and he hits a whole bunch of markers. He also gets super intense the more that he is stimulated.

I have always noticed this intensity that he has just under the surface and it's something that I really have a hard time dealing with. Looking at these websites and books tho, it shows that perhaps this intensity is just a part of him...and maybe he does have ADHD....at least I have something to start looking at...

It makes me think that maybe I should look into it more because maybe it will help me understand him more....and deal with him better.

No Ideas, Just Anger.

I lost it today. Completely and totally. It could be that 9 days without a husband is my limit, or just that I am sick and tired of arguing with K for everything. (could be the 32 weeks preggo too). I am just at my limit, and this child and I are not going to have a very good relationship if it continues the way it has been going. I posted about "Listening" but really I should have said all out "Ignoring" or "Defiance". I have tried all of the gentle discipline I can, reasoned, negotiated, screamed, yelled, cried, stomped my own feet, shut my self in a room..it goes on and on. I am *trying* to respect him. To treat him like an adult, but I am slowly realizing that most of this is just BS and no amount of respect for him is going to make his reciprocate. Where is the respect for ME? I always said that my children would never yell or hit me, and guess what...they do. I spend all day long arguing with an almost 5 year old, and you know what I don't like him. I pretty much have hit rock bottom, and unless someone can show me the holy grail of this is what Attachment Parenting does when they are older, I am really falling from believing it. He is not respectful, he is un-grateful, rude, right now he is up stairs throwing his toys because I told him that he needs to start picking them up, he whines all day long, and picks on his brother and laughs about it. I follow every fricken tenet that Sears, Neufield, Kohn, and Faber and Malish talk about and it's not working. And I swear to god if the he needs to go outside and burn off energy for 90 mins a day comes up I will scream. You need to GET him to go outside before that happens. So, anyone want to just commiserate and say, Yea, my kid is like that?

The Spirited Child

I went to a parent's group today just to learn more about my kids etc. We were talking about temperaments and how no matter what your parenting style is, how it will not affect the child's innate personality; no matter how hard you try.

We talked about labels and how we can say lots of negative labels when referring to our kids, but how we can change those labels into positive traits as well. For example, bossy could be self-assured, defiant could be independent, nosey could be seen as curious. When we look at these labels in a positive way we see that we actually want to cultivate them in our children. Self-assured, independent, curious adults are exactly what I want my sons to be.

We also talked about the label of the spirited child. We took a test to see if our children had any of the traits that a spirited child is supposed to have. I thought that between my two kids my younger one would be more spirited as he is the most vocal and active. That boy knows what he wants and will not rest until he gets it. What surprised me the most was that my older son ranked the highest on the spirited scale. It was shocking to me actually.

He does not do well in transitions, he is extremely sensitive and empathetic, he likes things just so, etc. I was wondering why I didnt notice any of this until I took this test and it occurred to me that I "over parent" him. I dont want the battle or the conflict so I head it off at the pass, I cut the crusts off his peanut butter sandwich and serve it on a green plate with a green cup....I read him 4 stories before bed, and get the water, and the snuggle, I make sure the labels are cut out of his shirts, he doesnt have to wear jeans, etc. Now I realize that the reason I don't see that "spirit" is because I have made his life easier, and he doesnt have many transitions....but is this doing him a dis-service? Should I be ignoring his quirks and making him see that it doesnt always go his way?

Am I coddling him? And what does that mean for kindergarten?

The Same, not Different

I have been listening to some of my friends and aquantinces about how difficult it is to raise boys, and all of the challenges that they face with their sons.

At first people suggest that it could be a variety of things, as kids are usually affected by many different environmental factors.

Food. The types, organic or non, dairy, food colouring, gluten, frequency of eating, or not eating for that matter.

Potty. Whether they go potty really affects the mood of kids. I know that mine get aggressive when they need to pee.

Energy. Too much sleep, not enough sleep, exercise, how much running do they need? The more energy they burn off the better it is for everyone involved. (hard in the winter)

There can also be many more things that we just don't know that affect boys and girls equally, development, environment, brain...etc.

I started thinking that perhaps that it may be because some of these moms have girls as well...

Let me explain. It's no secret that I believe that girls and boys are hardwired differently...so perhaps the mom expects her son to act a certain way and that he is such a handful because her daughter isn't?

I think this could be a real answer for some of these moms...I see them with both of their children, or all three, and see that the girls are talked to in a different manner. For example, "Hunny, can you please get your boots on" vs. "(Child's name) put your boots on."

It could be that the boy is harder to deal with and that he needs that direct-ness, but I dont think so.

I think that I have the benefit of seeing that both of my boys are equally challenging in their own ways and am better to just go with the flow than try to understand what is causing it. Just by listening to them and giving the opportunity to get angry and frustrated without me coming down on them allows them more time to process and then we get on with our day!

Disciplining the Parents

What a concept.

My mom actually brought this lightbulb moment for me. Let me explain what it means and where I am coming from.

So today at playgroup things were a little more chaotic than I would have liked. Many of the moms had already left the room to go to see the parent educator and I was left to watch the children with the other volunteers. Needless to say, on the first day back, many of the kids did not have good listening skills. There was blatant disrespect and behaviour issues.

I listened to the facilitator ask the children time and time again to "please stop the behaviour" but they didnt. I started to get frustrated and asked the facilitator what course of action were we going to follow, and that my child would have been removed from the situation LONG ago. She replied that "We don't do time-out" and then continued to plead with the child to stop...

So, feeling that I had lost my power I decided to leave, as I was leaving a little girl (3.5yrs) looked me straight in the eyes with a "look at what I am going to do" and pushed my 2 year old to the ground, and gave me a smirk.

I was not going to let this child think that she could disrespect me or my 2 year old son, so I exclaimed. "(child's name) we do not push little children. You need to apologize to him." She looked so taken aback that *someone* was holding her accountable that she ran SCREAMING to her dad.

He promptly picked her up and asked her what the problem was, and what was wrong. I went right up to him and said, "She pushed my son, on purpose, I expect her to apologize."

Now, I know forcing children to apologize is just dumb. They are going to dig their heels, but for some reason, losing my authority in the playroom made me NEED to get it back from this child and her dad....and you know what, it took 15 mins of her crying and making excuses, but she finally apologized.

Did I handle that one wrong....probably. So while recanting the story to my mom she said, "why would you think that the children would care what you think? You need to hold their parents accountable."

She continued to explain that when a child is in school and skips or whatever, the parents are called and chastised by the principal, and then they put pressure on their child not to do the offending behaviour again.

So her solution for my issue would have been to go up to the parents and say, "Don't you teach (child's name) not to push younger children? That type of behaviour is not acceptable in my house." By shaming the parents they may think that perhaps instead of coddling their child they should step up and actually parent.

Hey, like I have said time and time again, I am all for gentle discipline and attachment parenting to a point; but some behaviours are just not okay. Period.

Hitting, Slapping, Fighting, Choking, Scratching, Spitting, Hair Pulling, Toy Throwing, Hitting Parents, Hurting Animals, Hurting Babies etc. No amount of talking and distraction is going to put a stop to these behaviours. The child needs to know that this type of behaviour is NOT acceptable in the least bit, and that their are consequences to those behaviours. Immediate consequences.

Thats my rant....

Listening ...or not.

I am on a journey at the moment. Since I am taking a break from School, and from Volunteering I have a little more time for myself as of late. I am working on relationships, with my family, my friends and even my dog!

At the moment my biggest parenting issue is that my older child (4) doesnt listen to me. He can hear me, he just chooses not to follow instruction.

I have to say that it is the most incredibly frustrating thing that he does. I understand that I dont want him to everything that people ask him to do, as questioning a persons motives is always nice when being asked a favour...but I am asking him to stay in a bathroom stall while my pants are down around my ankles and the other child is being wrestled away from the Tampon Disposal....yuck! But no, instead of heeding his mothers warnings and requests and threats, this 4 year old disappears under the door, and races to the entrance of the building so that he can then press the handicap button. SOOOO frustrating, not to mention unsafe.

I have asked for many many different opinions, and have tried pretty much all of them, save spanking....I honestly dont think that one would work either. (not that it is even an option for me), I am just at my wits end and felt I had to rant about it...at least that way I feel like I am actually doing something.

Ahhhh....kids!

Sibling Rivalry

I just finished reading Siblings Without Rivalry, it really only took me 3 hrs (uninterrupted!). The basics concepts of the book were really well laid out.

The only real issue that I had with the book was that it is really hard to use the concepts on a 2 year old and 4 year old. Both get way too upset to really listen.

Most of the concepts talk about using words and understanding and working things out with little parental suggestion.

Something along the lines of "I see two sad children, who both want to watch different TV shows, can you both work together to figure out how both of your needs can be met?"

I think that perhaps with a 5 - 20 year old that could work, but a 2 and 4 year old....they just get too angry.

They dont understand that their actions have any consequences for other people.

I really enjoyed this book though and would suggest it to other parents for a sneak peak on what to say when their kids get a little bit older. :)

The Discipline Post

A mom on my parenting board put out a simple call for some advice on how to discipline her 3 year old daughter, from the flurry of responses you would think that a "time-out" was the WORST thing that you could EVER do to a child.....so what about a spanking???
I am beginning to feel like one can never win at the mommy wars game. For one, it starts with conception, ageism, and fertility, then birth experience, then nursing then sleep, now discipline....when will it ever end.
Honestly, I dont give a rats ass how you parent as long as YOU feel in your GUT that you are informed, empowered and are doing the right thing for YOUR family. I will gladly help you find resources, but in the end, to time out, or not to time out is not going to affect me....until that is my son brings your daughter home who has never been told no in her life....my poor sons! ;P

I did however want to share a couple of ideas about discipline and maybe "attachment parenting" in general.

So, as an "attachment parent" we want our children to be as attached, as emotionally cognizant, as well rounded, sensitive and the like. To understand to respect all peoples regardless of colour, creed, or race. How exactly can we do that if there are no limits on our children?
I am not saying that we should expect our kids to be little soldiers. I will be the first to tell you that I enjoy it sometimes when my son questions the norm, or says no. That shows me that he is gaining independence, confidence and understanding of the world around him. Our world has boundaries and it is up to us to show our children where those lines lay.
I do not advocate allowing the child to have the upper hand. You are the parent. The buck stops with you. Bottom line. Kids dont want friends. I am not even 30 yet and I have plenty friends whos parents were permissive....can we say no motivation and sex and drug addictions??? Maybe this is because they never learned about control?

Our children are not robots, they are autonomous creatures that learn a million things everyday. I for one think we are doing them a HUGE disservice if we "talk our feelings to death". In my house it is NOT okay to hit the dog or the baby. I honestly could care less why. I really could. My older son is immediately removed. Kicking, screaming, punching. I tried to ask him why he hits his brother, or the dog...."because I like to." Stalemate. So I moved to "it is unacceptable to hit your brother or the dog unprovoked, if you do so, you will sit alone, on this stair. We show love in this house, and if you dont want to you can play by yourself in your room." Children need to know how to deal (defense mechanisms) when they do not get what they want (stress). We have to help them figure out how to deal with it.

I will not be beside my son everytime something doesnt go his way. He has to know how to deal with that himself, so I am setting him up to be an emotional cripple that will have an anxiety disorder because he can not leave the house for fear of someone saying, no.

We only know our children, and how our children cope with a particular situation. I would never ever tell a mother of teenagers that what she is doing could scar her kids....um, am I in that situation? How do I know that? Because I read it in a book....better yet a book by a man who was never home with his kids because he was busy promoting his book? How does he know?
So, when others with children who are NO where near my child's age, ability, or environment give their two cents I can respect it, I can listen, but I will not take it to heart, because I will listen to some one who has a child in a similar situation, or has gone through it before.....

I can't make my children do anything, as I have said before, but I can show them what is acceptable and what isnt...and as a parent that is the best I can do. I am only human, I make mistakes, one size does not fit all......

and lastly, if your child is a perfect little angel and does nothing to displease you.. (and I am talking over 3 years old), your day is coming....and it's not the way your parent...that could be a part of it, but it's called NATURE vs. NURTURE and nature usually wins. ;) (you could just be one of the lucky ones with an easy to please tempermented child....I know I am not!)