A Conundrum

When I was first a new parent 5.5years ago, I parented with my gut and agonized over the "type" of parent that I wanted to be. I had been given Babywise as a gift while pregnant and the whole book rubbed me the wrong way. I happened to stumble upon an ad for a online parenting group that called themselves "Attachment Parents" but really thought nothing of the term, because I thought that all parents were "attachment parents"...didn't we all want to be attached to our kids?

And really, all that I was looking for were people to connect with because as a 24 year old University student I had absolutley NO friends with kids....ok not entirely true because my best friend had a baby just out of highschool but she lives in another province.

So there I was looking for people to go on playdates with. So I joined this group and started asking questions and posting, and finding myself pretty mainstream and not entirely supported by this group. They had their ways and apparently I was not crunchy enough. I made some good connections and the women were really nice people, just a lot of them were at least 5 to 10 years my senior and were pretty black and white when it came to what was acceptable and what wasn't.

So I joined another local pay for service forum to find more people to bond with, meanwhile I was still having issues breastfeeding and finding no support what so ever, other than the LLL. So I joined this other group and it was way more mainstream, but the parents were even older and the kids were all older too, and I felt like an even bigger outsider.

A couple moms posted asking questions about Crying-It-Out and I posted links to articles and blogs that I had gotten...but really I had no idea because who would really leave their child to cry? I mean really? My baby was a great sleeper and I could sleep with him and he could breastfeed while I was sleeping so really, what was wrong with them.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't get flamed. At the time it pissed me off so badly because all these women got so much support for CIO or ignoring their babies and I was the one being told that I lived in fairy tale land.

I left that group, and coincidentally met a really good friend of mine at a LLL meeting. I gave the AP group a second chance and started recruiting. I have met many many inspiring women throughout my time with them...I have also met women that make me want to put my head through the wall...but that is life!

I became a really strong advocate for cosleeping, and/or responding to your baby...but more importantly *listening to your own gut*.

Sure mother to mother support is paramount, and we need tribes to keep us sane, but at the same time we have to be aware of the decisions that we make and how they affect us and own own families. Cosleeping doesn't work for everyone. It works for me, but I am one person in a city of one million.

I have found often in my years of being a "attachment parent" that this type of parent is too smart.

Let me try to explain...it's like smart and neurotic, but somewhat insecure. I am not excluding myself from this evaluation. I came to this conclusion when I was picking my oldest up from school and was explaining to one of the moms how much I loved Alfie Kohn. She did not have a clue who I was talking about. She said that she wasn't really into parenting books and did most of her parenting by instinct.

This is exactly my point. I was the moderator of the AP group of my city for 3.5 years and in that time I read every single questionnaire. "What is Attachment Parenting to you?" and almost every single answer was "I didn't know that what I was doing had a name until I *read* about it somewhere."

So back to being way too smart and neurotic...Attachment Parents are researchers. They research the hell out of something to find the appropriate answer. Textbooks, parenting books, expert advice, emails, forums and websites, blogs, all searching for what an "AP" parent would do in that particular situation....but the kicker is that no one actually knows because AP is not something you do, it is something you are.

Most people follow Dr. Sears Baby B's...but I have said before and I will say it again...do you really think he did all those? He was on tour making money. Bottom line. He had 8 kids to feed. It was Martha who really knows...but then she only knows how to parent *her* own kids.

So back to the CIO and the rest of the rules etc. We as "AP'ers" try to hold ourselves to some higher standard that our "mainstream" counterparts. I was right to get flamed by all those women. They were older and wiser and had learned more about parenting than I had in the 18 mos that I was a parent of one pretty easy boy.

But what happens in the AP community, I am noticing is that new moms come in trying to find out what constitutes AP and how to assimilate into the community but only have parents of children that are maybe 2 to 4 years older than their own children to gather information from. And you have your die hards that live on another level, or your super "natural/green" parents that follow another sect, and so the new mommies think that this is the norm that these are the parents that they have to look up to...when really in real life they are nothing like the posts and chats that they answer.

Really. Who is going to actually say that they did something that is not AP on an AP forum. NO ONE. Because people are so afraid of losing their community or tribe or what have you.

So they form little separate groups with other moms of kids the same age and get together in real life and find out that it's okay to dislike your child somedays, and that makes you human.

But this doesn't help the community as a whole because those secret conversations are not shared with all the new mommies that are looking for support.

It seems to me to be a real conundrum.

People are not completely honest for fear of being judged by those who are afraid of being judged themselves. All because some "expert" wants to make money by selling a book, and tours and an endorsed "arms reach cosleeper."

So, in closing to this incredibly long winded blog post...I am going to post the things that I hate about myself and how I parent...a confessions post (which we used to do in the AP group long ago) to let others see just how human I am.

The Breakdown - Cross Post

This is a Cross Post from my Homeschooling Blog. Can you tell what I am thinking about all the time?

I had a complete mental breakdown last night. Today my son was registered for Kindergarden. My mom says that it's something about mothers and sons, that the mothers get over emotional about sending their children into the world, and I wondered why is that? Or at least, why is that for me?

I think for me, and I have stated it time and time again, that I feel that our Western society breaks boys. It squashes their empathy, sympathy, and sensitivity. Boys are told to "harden up" as soon as they are in a peer environment.

When I have my boys at home or near me, as I would with homeschooling, I can be there to help them through the trials and tribulations of these outside forces. I can tell them that they don't need to listen to what others say, that they are confident, and that family is most important. When they are in the public realm I lose all of that control.

My husband says that I can't shelter him and keep him in a bubble forever, as that doesn't give him a fighting chance. I understand that. I am still saddened however that it is almost inevitable and the only way that society can ever not have that impact is if we (my family) leaves North American culture, and while I am up for that my husband is not.

I know that one must learn how to deal with others and move away from their parents...but at 5? What purpose is it really to have children away from their mothers for hours on end, when the mom is able to be home? Who does that serve? The Child? The mother? or the government?

I guess I am still a little skeptical, as what do they really learn in Kindergarden, Grade 1 and Grade 2?

A new way of looking at things.....

So it is no surprise that I subscribe to the "attachment parenting" philosophy. I breastfed (eed), co-sleep (slept), baby wear (wore) both of my children. I have read Alfie Kohn, Elaine Faber, Gordon Neufield and the like. (Dr. Sears as well). But, I have always felt that there is/was no need for this label.

This "AP" label. It just makes women crazy. That we have to do X and X and X to prove to someone, anyone (ourselves?) that AP is the only way that you can possibly "do right" by a child. I am one of those who fell for that way of thinking hard. 4 hard years ago in fact. I never let my child Cry-it-out. I never once belittled him, ignored him and the like....well, who exactly am I trying to kid?

I am a human first, a woman second and a mom 3rd. Of course I have screwed up. I have not left him to cry, that is right, but he has screamed in my arms. I have ignored him, I have yelled, lost my temper and all the others, I havent smacked him....but who exactly am I qualifying to?

Do you, dear reader, really truly care if I screw up my kid? Isnt that my right as a parent?

So back to the whole AP point that I was trying to make and then got distracted.

I have friends that CIO. And I see their kids, they are just as grouchy as mine, as disrespectful as mine can be, and as loud and obnoxious too...maybe that is just "preschooler". These women are not evil. They are doing the best that they can do, with the knowledge that they have, and who is anyone to judge them. Me? Do I have that right? You? How would I feel if someone judged me? Thought I was the worst parent in the world because I cant keep my boys clean.

I change them over 5 times a day...clothes that is.... doesnt matter, as soon as I put it on its on the floor covered in paint, dirt, snot or other things too gross to mention.

Why am I all riled up? I have been reading my parenting forum and the newbie moms, you know the one's with *one* kid who is less than 2. The ones whose children cant walk let alone backtalk...they just judge so harshly. And it burns me up, because I was like that too. SO judgmental. They just dont understand that by saying "I am so glad that I AP" means that they are building a gap between moms that just need a little support, some guidance, some help. The energy could be so much better spent. Instead of an US vs. Them mentality. Of course I dont have a leg to stand on as I also hold grudges forever.....

One last point on AP and this is the big one, the reason for this post. I actually dont think we AP our kids...I think we AP ourselves. Our children will all react the same way no matter how we raise them, it is how we react that matters.

Inspiration.

I first want to start off by saying that I have had people tell me that I should really read Alfie Kohn and I have hummed and hawed about it time and time again, so when my friend told me to check out his lecture that was coming up, I thought sure, why not. (Save me from reading the book.)
I was blown away. Never has something resonated with me like his words. It was a religious experience for me. I agreed with EVERY SINGLE WORD that came out of his mouth. And the weird part, so did my husband.
It was amazing.
When I went into university for the first time it was to become a teacher, I made it into my 3 year and met the other people who would be my peers, colleagues and I hated them. (Not all, but a vast majority.) I wanted CHANGE in the system, and they were only in Ed, because the GPA was a 2.5 and they couldn’t get into anything else. They didn’t like kids, they didn’t really care about education, they just needed a job, or a degree and Ed seemed like the way to go.
Needless to say, I was devastated.
I partied way too hard to drown my sorrows of a front to my idealism and dropped out.
Of course I found my way back, but never wanted to go into Ed, as I felt it was too far gone. I started researching different schooling opportunities for my child and homeschoolling came up again and again, although I never thought that *I* would be the only one able to teach my child.
I just feel like as a mom *I* will get lazy and MISS those pivotal teaching moments that arrive once in a blue moon...and you know what Alfie agreed with me.
I was shocked.
I thought he was all for homeschooling/unschooling, why it was my unschooling/homeschooling friends that told me to go and see him...and here he was saying that peer based learning in a integrative model is the best way to ensure a WHOLE child.
I was surprised, I was intrigued, but above all else I was inspired.
I *WISH* I had seen Alfie talk while I was in University...I can tell you one thing; I definitely would have finished my degree, got my masters, and started a Progressive School.