Super Mommy No More

I have a super power.

I can run on 4 hours of sleep without a cup of coffee. I can run after my 3 kids with an incredible amount of energy. I can eat whatever I want and not gain a pound. I am a size 0 without even trying.

I can work on many different things at one time. I run a business, a household, volunteer for a non-profit and stay up until 1am baking cookies to be that perfect mom....and it is killing me slowly...literally.

Things that I thought were MY normal are abnormal.

I have an auto immune disease. Disorder. Whatever.

It is like I am running a marathon every day all day long. Tricking people into thinking that I am coping.

I guess that I am not.

Graves causes extreme mood swings, which would explain why I am Dr.Jekyl and Mr.Hyde most of the time.

Graves causes a super high metabolism, thyroid storms, headaches, joint aches, food sensitivities, insomnia, etc. etc. etc.

I am still trying to wrap my head about #1 - losing my super power. Feeling as tired as all of my friends. Cutting back. Taking time for myself.

#2. Treatments. They all suck. All of them.

Pretty much take a person like me who doesn't trust the pharmacutical companies enough to Vaccinate my kids and now I have to be dependent on them for the REST OF MY LIFE.

Forever.

and ever.

I also have to render my thyroid useless. Kill it or cut it out, and then go the other way, and try and manage all the weight gain, the tiredness, the exhaustion, while taking care of 3 kids under 6. (did I mention that I am homeschooling as well?!)

Maybe I should just get pregnant again and push it off.....

So if you have been wondering why my moods are all over the place, why I am grumpy, mad and all the rest...there it is.

And no, not contagious. Caused by environmental factors. Which could literally be anything from being on Formula as a baby to microwaving hotdogs under a plastic cover. Or maybe ny flavoured water addiction.....

The Thyroid

Sucks.

I went to get my thyroid tested again as I am feeling tired, and insomniac, and grumpy and all other symptoms that are related to being Hyperthyroid.

And yes...my levels are off. In order for the doctor to figure if it is Graves or a nodule, I have to do the iodine in the blood thing so that they can see if it affects the whole thyroid or just a part of it. This would only take a day to do, and then I would have a definitive answer....but it also means that I can't nurse for 2-5 days. I could still be home with E but not able to nurse....what the heck am I supposed to do? How could I explain to a 10 month old that I have no interest in stopping nursing but that we need to take a break for 5 days for *his* own good.

If I hadn't had such issues with keenan maybe i wouldn't feel so against stopping. It's not the nutrition for me. It's totally the bonding, and being able to comfort at my own breast.

I had hoped that perhaps being 5 years older and wiser and meeting all different types of people and so many different ways of parenting that I would know that it isn't that big of a deal.

But it is. To *ME*.

I just don't want to stop. I feel so torn. Selfish and Stupid.

How can I comfort my baby without my breasts? It seems impossible to me.

I hate this.

Hate it.

Sucks.

Time Marches On

As everyday goes by I think that I want to update my blog but never seem to have the time. I started this blog to keep my musings as I am a journaling type of person and enjoy writing for leisure. With the kids being sick non-stop these last two weeks any type of "leisure" seems to be a pipe dream, but isn't that just the way? The kids take priority.

Getting sick this week myself showed me what awesome supports I have in this city of mine. We had a massive dump of snow and yet my friend still came to my house with a bottle of gingerale, and my parents drove to come and collect my whole family so that my mom could take care of us.

While being taken care of, instead of being the one taking care of, it really hit me how in denial of my hyperthyroidism I am.

Last year while pregnant with Ewan I was diagnosed with Graves disease and at the time I was devastated. No, it's not cancer, but it is a major lifestyle change, diet change, daily medication and the like. Stuff that until this week I was just not interested in even thinking about.....but as the post says "Time marches on" and I really need to get it under control.

Not only because I am hungry all the time, and yet do not have an appetite, but also because I am so tired, and weak and insomniatic.

I need to get it together for the sake of my kids. I bet that I would be a way better mom without these incredible mood swings and anger outbursts...all related to hormones.

I am just so tired of being tired.

Dr.Jack aka The Man

Thank god for Dr.Jack Newman. I emailed him after I had my meltdown yesterday. He replied as only Dr.Jack can and assured me that I could nurse and that the radiation treatment was not even an option if you had a little one.

So, radiation is off the list for the time being.

He also recommended some different medications and told me to ask my doctor about them. I was so relived to hear that women can successfully nurse with Graves. Not that I actually doubted it because I have been having symptoms for quite a while. Like read: years.

I was also concerned about passing it on to the new baby as a couple of people had told me that this might be the case. He assured me that it could not cross in milk but may cross through the placenta and to let my midwives know in case the baby needed treatment in the first 3 months.

If I have any extra money laying around this year I am going to donate it to his clinic, as he alone is one of the best resources for breastfeeding in the whole of Canada.

(I would urge you to do the same. :) )

Pity Post - pay no mind...

I am awake at 1:16am due to hunger and pregnancy induced insomnia...

Today was a interesting day, mood wise.

We went and saw a show home that we can now afford because of my husbands new job. It was lovely. I fell in love with it immediately. You know when you have your list in your head of every little thing that you may want one day...this was my forever house. I could live there NO problem for years. The only thing is that my husband would have to stay a rig worker for 10 years to pay off the mortgage.

Also, I am starting to get nervous about the 8 day away thing. Supper and bedtime are the hardest parts of the day for me and I will really miss my hubby, but I have to keep looking at the bigger picture. I know we can do this...and if I lived in that house it would be even more do-able...lol.

All this is exacerbated by this damn Graves bullshit. It's really hitting home for me today, and probably the actual reason why I am awake. I mean no one is actually "normal" but to actually know that you have a disease that affects your quality of life is really daunting. And the treatments scare the shit out of me. (this is my blog I can swear if I want). I mean, cutting your neck!! Your NECK. Good lord. I can't even take pre-natals because they make me gag, but I am supposed to go on meds for my whole life? Every day? And radiation...radiation?! I can't even go into that one, as I will just get more upset.

I haven't been googling Graves a lot because I don't want to hear horror stories, or get myself too worked up with mis-information...but I did join a support group on Facebook, and while the stories are uplifting and people are getting treatment, I keep noticing that they all have my symptoms. Some of these symptoms are ones that I didn't even know WERE symptoms....like my eye twitch, and watering. I thought that it was just stress from my husband. I got it after having Ryan...now apparently it is one of the first signs.

I keep hoping, and praying that this is just some mistake. I mean they haven't *actually* diagnosed me yet. I haven't had the antibody test to make sure that it is, as it is super hard to figure that out in pregnancy...so they will have to wait until I give birth and the hormones all fix themselves.. THEN we can go get tested.

I just really hope it isn't. (and that it isnt cancer either.)

This really really sucks.

Still Processing

We have had many big things happen this week and I am still processing them but am feeling that we may be getting back to normal. My husband gave his 2 weeks from a job that he has worked at for 6 years to work up north for an 8 on shift...which will be a big change..

I will post more about it once we get closer as stuff is still being worked out.

I am having tones of Braxton Hicks which is normal for me to start getting at this stage of the game (28weeks). Just more tiring than anything.

And as for a follow-up from my last post...I am feeling so grateful for all the wonderful support and advice that people are giving me. I really feel like I have a strong network of friends and family to draw on in the next couple years while I figure all this stuff out.

I am def. leaning towards another baby tho...just to delay deciding anything at this moment at time. :)

My oldest will be starting soccer in March...I will then be a soccer mom...so why not add another boy to the mix....

(I dont think my husband reads this....)

Life

This is a harder post than I thought it would be. I have been trying to write it since yesterday, but the words are not as available as I would have hoped, which means that I am still processing.

I was diagnosed with an auto immune disorder yesterday. Graves disease. The reason why I have been a toothpick for over 6 years.

See, I started at about 120 lbs before having my kids, and my last weight was just over 90 lbs, on a 5'6" frame...needless to say I look pretty emaciated.

But, still able to get pregnant, and gain weight while pregnant; so kinda confusing.

When I was pregnant with my last child the midwives noticed that my thyroid levels were low, and we got them retested but they normalized so we stopped investigating. This time they were even lower, almost non-existent. So they kept testing and a specialist finally decided that Graves is what I have had since my early 20's.

I have very conflicting feelings about getting the diagnosis. On the one hand I feel relieved that it isnt cancer, or something worse. I am also surprised to find out that all of the weird things that I thought were just quirks of myself, are actually symptoms...like tingly fingers, and insomnia.

I am also freaking out about the treatments that are available.

Basically there are 3.

1) Radiation - my least favourite but most effective treatment. While I don't get the willies from radiation itself, I am nervous to either a) have to wean my child prematurely, and b) not be around them for at least 4 days after treatment. I have not ever been away from my kids for 48hrs, let alone 4 days....and my oldest is almost 5.

2) Surgery - again, the need for weaning, and not being there for my children. Not to mention a huge scar across my neck...partial decapitation is not something one would look forward to.

3) Medication - 30% effective...not really good odds. Again the weaning, the doctor did say that I could nurse while on medication...but at the same time, what would this medication do to my new little buddy.

So, the neat thing is that pregnancy actually inhibits this disorder, but I can't be pregnant forever. Although this may cause me to try for #4 in a year or two....if only to delay these choices. The worse part is that I am an attachment parent that *wants* to nurse for as long as mutually agreeable, and *wants* to wear my baby close, and not leave my kids for long periods of time.