How to Talk...and Listen

I am reading this book How to Talk so your Kids will Listen....I am really quite enjoying it. I am wondering if they have a course and then maybe I could take it or even teach it. The concepts are quite straight forward.
Verbalizing your feelings, expectations, alternatives to punishment. It's pretty hard work, but I have been going through the workbook and trying really hard. (see yesterdays post) I think that it is working really well...although sometimes he really pushes my buttons.
But I will keep working at it.
I really want to make my house a more peaceful respectful place.

A Wake Up Call.

Today is one of those days that really put my life and the way it is heading in perspective. Keenan is on day three of being sick and so I have been cooped up in the house with no escape, which is fine if you plan on being home, but not so much when you would rather be outside enjoying a chinook.
So Keenan was watching the Wiggles, Ryan was napping (who has been having a horrible time sleeping; but that can be the subject of another post.), and I was otherwise engaged...so Keenan started calling me from upstairs, I called to tell him I would be there in a minute and to be quiet because R was asleep. He kept calling and calling and calling....and woke up Ryan.
I lost it.
I was so incredibly mad that my hour of peace was now wrecked because Keenan didnt understand that he had to be quiet.
I went upstairs and turned off the TV (yes I use TV when Ryan is napping to keep Keenan quiet and occupied), and stated or rather yelled, "I told you to be quiet! Now you have woken up Ryan. No TV!" and I left the room to try and put Ryan down again.
Now Keenan was really upset. He cried and cried and cried, screaming and yelling, so upset that I had gotten angry and turned the TV off.
I lay there nursing Ryan. Thinking of all the times I had nursed Keenan, and feeling satisfied that he was so mad, because I was mad too. And then as the anger began to wane and Keenan was still crying, I started to feel bad. I thought back to an article that Mothering had just done about "unweaning" a 3 year old. And I thought about how much I had pushed Keenan to grow up in the last year that his brother has been alive.
So with Ryan back asleep, I went into the room.
I came in and started with my usual "Why are you crying?" and "Do you know why mommy turned the TV off?" and he was so hurt, and so sad that I stopped thought of the girl in the article and said, "What do you need?"
"A Hug"
I cried. This was still my baby. Who was sick and my need for personal time had clouded my vision of why I was here, and why I had my kids in the first place.
I told him how much I loved him, and that I was sorry, and that mommy would try harder to put him first.
I asked him if he missed nursing, and he said yes. I offered that if he wanted to that he could. And that mommy loved him just as much as Ryan.
He looked at me and said, "That's silly mommy! I am a big boy! Big boys don't nurse!"
That is when I got my wake up call. He really is a big boy, but still needs as much love and support and physical attention as he did as a baby...
So we sat there for the rest of Ryan's nap, snuggling on the bed, with his head on my chest.
I love you Keenan.

AP Lite

My good friend Gemma was chatting me up about the concept of AP Lite. She was saying that she could only be AP if she could be AP Lite. I laughed and asked her what that meant. Basically, once you have kids you become jaded and a bit judgmental. (who am I kidding? Mom's are the most judgmental people out there.
I am not too sure why this is, because we are all just trying to do our best with what we know at the time.
The thing is to be AP Lite means to believe that we console and give our children our full support, but do take time for ourselves as well.
I guess AP Hard Core would be completely subservient to your kids then?
Thoughts?

Crying it Out

Every 6 months or so the concept of Crying It Out (CIO) or aka the Extinction Method, comes rolling around for moms to chew on.
The concept is simple, if you want your baby to sleep, put them in a separate room from you, in a crib, with tight sheets (make sure that there are two sets of sheets on the crib, > will explain later), and lay on their back, and let them fall asleep by themselves.
No talk, no coddling. Or so say the "experts".
The thing that they are teaching these poor little babies is Learned Helplessness. If I cry and mommy does not come, then why cry, no one is there for me anyway.
But, mommy does care. Mommy wants to come and save you from the darkness...there are just "experts" in the way.
There is a REASON why our cortisol levels go up when babies cry. We are supposed to comfort them. Touch is the most important thing.
So why is CIO so damn popular?
We seem to ignore our instincts. Maybe do things a little easier. And hey, my mom left me to cry it out and we turned out alright...(side note, my mom actually slept with me til I was 2)...but are we?
Are we really "all right"?
Maybe we should let these "experts" fend for themselves when they are old and grey.

My Preschool Gut....

So I went an volunteered at Keenan's preschool today, which is if anyone cares, not the preschool that I own and run. Why? Because I did not want my child to be treated any differently than anyother kid because his mom was cutting the cheques.
So I placed him in a comparable program closer to our house. I have been having this weird gut feeling about it ever since I put him in, and my friends say that it is just me...but something is off. So I have been waiting MONTHS to be able to volunteer in his school, and today it finally happened. Can I say I was impressed....no.
But, am I expecting too much? I am not sure.
Keenan basically just played all by himself at the Dino table, then the rocket table, as the other children ran around and visited, and danced, played house etc. There was Keenan. And then we read some books, again kids following ME around but not Keenan.
He was so quite too...he is so extroverted at home, he knows the answers to everything, constantly interrupting us, and at school when they brought out a stegosaurus...he just sat there. Not a word. A mute.
My Keenan. A mute? What happened? It is surreal to me.
So then there was songs and story. I am happy to say that he participated in both those, as lackluster as they were. They were definitely no Natalie.
So now I am torn.
I put him in preschool to meet other kids, BOYS!!!! And he hasn't. No playdates or anything. But can I blame him? When I go and chat the only mom that actually talks to me is Kathryn, and we knew eachother already. Otherwise it is like highschool all over again.
What is the issue? Mine or his?
I thought that after today I would see that it was just me, but now I am not so sure....

Going Solo at Sobey's

I had a glorious time this morning! I went to breakfast at Cora's with my wonderful "Townie" friends. It was really nice to chat without our kids in tow, but at the same time, we really don't get to see eachother as much so you are trying to cram in a months worth of conversation in one sitting. Not to mention that it is all women trying to talk over eachother. We mostly talked about our kids, and pregnancy, and weaning, and sex. I ask you, why is it that the conversation always leads to sex? It is too funny, all these women with children all under 10 chatting it up in a resturant about thier sex drives. Anyway, it was a lot of fun and I would like to do it more often, the only thing is that it cuts into my weekend time with Chris and the kids...I really wish I had more time.
Speaking of time, I got all of my weekly grocery shopping done in 45mins. 45! It was amazing. Usually we go shopping as a family, and it takes forever. But this morning I went solo and powered through Sobey's, a mom on a mission. It would have taken longer but I have been using this new site, to make menu plans and grocery lists. It cuts the menu planning etc in half! Not to mention that we are saving a tonne of money because we are actually orgainzed. It is the best gift I could have ever gotten! Thanks mom!

Swimming and Superglue.

We went swimming at Cardel Place on Wednesday. It was so much fun! I have never seen such a cool pool before. Fountains, sprayers, a river, it was almost overstimulating for me. The best part? $3.75/per kid to get in. Seriously. :)
Keenan had so much fun, and Ryan had never been to a pool, so needless to say this water hating mama was forced to sit in a cold pool for more than an hour! But, really, an hour of being uncomfortable was well worth it when I saw how much my kids loved it, and how well they napped that afternoon. I think that a Wednesday swim may become a part of our weekly regime.
I saw a girl there that I know from Jr.High, it's funny that we change so much but can still recognize people. Took me a while to figure out where I knew her from because she had a baby as well...so it could have been from a variety of places. She actually figured it out before I did, small world!
And Superglue, I just quickly wanted to share a tidbit from the mouth of my super smart 3 year old. They are learning about Dino's and Volcano's in school and he was worried that the Volcano would cause a fire in our house, I assured him that wasnt the case. He went on to formulate why, and decided to tell me.
K: Mama do you know why a bocano wouldn't fire our house?
M: Tell me why.
K: 'Cause the contruction workers used superglue, and the bocano couldnt break it!

All powerful Super Glue to the rescue!

A MNO to Remember.

* MNO = Mom's Night Out.

So I went out last night. My cousin and I decided that it was high time that we get out of the house and spend some quality time without our kids. We thought maybe dinner and a movie, which then turned to just dinner, then just desserts, and then "I am too lazy to drive downtown for dessert, how about we go to Superstore?"
Yes, you read that right, I said "Superstore!"
Maybe you are asking yourself why two twenty somethings with kids would want to go to Superstore for a Mom's Night Out or maybe you are thinking, "Man these women have no lives! That is pathetic!" But let me tell you, kind reader, there is nothing like being able to saunter through a store with no distractions and just a fellow woman to chat with. And if she is a mom looking for bargains it's even better.
So we spent an hour and a half looking at movies, rugs, books and cooking utensils just chatting about life. It was WONDERFUL.
No whining, no pulling of shirts, no stinky diapers, no husbands looking at watches telling us to hurry up, just me and my cousin - Shopping. :)
We then went to BP's for dinner/dessert and continued an uninterrupted conversation for another hour. Glorious. (and for the record it wasn't all about our kids!)
We even commented how nice silence was.
"Listen you can actually hear the fridge humming."
I need nights like that more often!

Money Money Money....Money!

So with the downturn in the economy it seems like everyone is feeling it. A little anyways. Alberta doesn't really seem like much has changed. Well I guess I shouldn't say that, we have had a drop in registrations but that could be due to the economy, or because it is so fricken cold no one wants to go out. I know that I don't.
I have been thinking about getting a part time job for a while now, to help with the crunch...but it is seemingly impossible to make about $1000/month while being a SAHM. I mean really, all the good paying jobs I would have to put my kids in daycare, and really why the heck would I want to do that?! The whole reason we had our kids young was so that we could be there for them and play with them, because our careers would be more flexible at the beginning rather than the middle or end...was I so wrong???
I have options, none that I am overly keen about. That mother guilt dragging down my soul. Makes me just want to move away from the city out to the country away from all the b.s. But, will all of the stuff just follow? Is it really more 'simple' or will this city girl lose her nerve?
It's interesting because Chris and I feel that we are at a crossroads, we could either go one way or another, but either could be a major mistake.
It's like the game of Life but more cruel. We know that we need to go 5 spaces and we are at a junction. In the game you can count your spaces and look ahead, in real life...not so much.
We both feel that we have gone down a path that was never us. Pushed by outside influences that claim that they were never influences...and now we don't know what to do.

If we had it our way, we would buy an acreage any where that is populated with trees and that Chris could work near, and just live self sustainably. Cozy, cottage like.

May Old Acquaintances Be Forgot...

Hello 2009!
I have to say that I have started this year off in a foul mood. Maybe foul is not the right word, maybe more "realistic". I have realized that I alone control my destiny and that society as a whole kinda sucks...at least this society.
So I have decided to cast off people that piss me off, and stop pandering to people who's opinions of me really don't count. I mean why deal with drama and stress yourself so much over people who you probably will never see again. ;)
So, why the change in heart, really? I guess it boils down to the fact that I am so flippin' tried ALL THE TIME, and no, it really has nothing to do with my children, my dog, my husband or my house. We would all be perfectly happy if we lived in seclusion and were able to do what WE wanted to do...but the problem...we have ethics, and expectations that we must adhere to and by doing so we squander away all of our free time making sure that OTHER people are happy.
So to start, here are some long due resolutions.
1. Put ME first.
2. Put Keenan, Ryan and Chris second. (whoever needs more at the exact moment gets first dibbs).
3. Say No more.
4. Say No way more.
5. Stop Volunteering. I have no time, I work at my own business (and surviving through a recession is hard enough without having 2 small children and a life.), and have too much to worry about picking up the slack when other people are not interested.
6. So that comes to my parenting group. I need to get over that one, and put some serious space between the drama and me. :)
7. Did I mention put ME first?
8. and for good measure, have sex more! ;) (maybe I will get that girl after all).

Happy New Year everyone!

ps. Welcome to my new and improved Blog!